hair

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Vanity Project(s)

I have a dressy event tomorrow, and I’ve been spending way too much time and money planning for it. It’s not like anyone cares what I look like, I realize this. And yet I still have been spending way too much time and money. Partly, the What to Wear frenzy is a manifestation of social anxiety; if only I wear the perfect dress and have the perfect hair and find the perfect accessories, I will not feel nervous or awkward! Conversation will flow effortlessly and I will not end up casting about for non-boring topics while the silence drags on interminably! I will say the exact right thing and speak neither too much nor too little and know intuitively just how much eye contact is enough! People will think I am charming and friendly instead of weird and gawky! Partly, I have lost a little weight this year, and none of my dressy clothes fit. Although I never have dressy clothes that fit, it seems like. Somehow, I nonetheless have a closet full of dresses.

My new dress is navy and I love it. It’s ankle length and it’s more body hugging than I usually wear. That makes it sound like it’s tight, which it most definitely is not. It’s just not the A-line/fit-and-flare silhouette I always gravitate toward. I originally wanted to go with gold accessories, but I tried on some gold jewelry with it and the combination read very old. Not sure if it was the gold and navy combo (doubtful; gold and navy together seem classic and chic), or the fact that the dress has kind of high-ish neckline, or if it was the combo on me, but it was not good. Silver, somehow, looked MUCH better. Younger. Fresher. Let’s be frank: I can use all the youth additive factors that I can get.

When I chose the dress and discovered that silver looked better than gold, I cheered myself with the fact that I already own silver shoes. Shoes with heels that are, alas, much too high and spindly for my post plantar fasciitis feet. I ended up buying new silver shoes with a kitten heel that make me feel much more secure. I also bought a silver clutch; I have been wanting an evening bag for years. Every time I go to a dressy occasion, I lament my lack of evening bags. Now I have one. Of course, now that I own the heels and the bag, I am realizing that I should have skipped the silver and gone with burgundy. Oh well. Too late now. Maybe I will have another occasion to wear this dress and I can seek out burgundy accessories for that. Maybe I will also have time to become the type of person who feels comfortable buying this evening bag, which I want quite badly without wanting in any way to pay the asking price. In the meantime, I am placating myself with some burgundy nail polish.

I realized last weekend that my hair needs a touch up. Seems like I need to color it more and more frequently these days, which is spendy. Usually, I get the updates done at a salon. It’s not that I can’t, technically, color my own hair; I gamely dyed my own hair during the pandemic, but I hated it so very much. The whole process is messy and I suck at applying the color and my hair always winds up with uneven darker chunks because I suck at it. Plus, it’s not like the at-home dye kit is FREE. If I’m going to pay for hair dye, I would rather also pay someone to apply it for me. Literally the only thing I enjoyed about coloring my own hair was the little envelope of conditioner that came with the dye kit. It made my hair SO soft.

Anyway, since my next hair appointment is not until after the dressy event, I purchased a touch-up kit with plans to cover my greys. Alas, I have been at Sports or School Things every night and with various service people or houseguests every day, so I have not managed to cover a damn thing. I have a few spare minutes this afternoon, and I floated the idea of coloring my hair today past my husband. In the kindest way possible, he said, “Absolutely not.” I mean… I suppose going with known grey roots is preferable to dealing with the potentially horrifying results of a last-minute dye job. The smart thing to do is return the kit and get my money back. But… I do love the conditioner.

Speaking of hair dye: Carla has been making some wistful comments recently about highlighting her hair. A bunch of her friends have gotten highlights, and it does look lovely. Unfortunately for Carla, I am a Mean Mom and I refuse to pay for her to color her hair. (See also: Starbucks and a cell phone.) First of all, she has gorgeous dark blonde hair with natural highlights. Second of all, highlights seem like they require intervention from an Experienced Hair Stylist, for which a) Carla has no time and b) I don’t want to pay. Third, as I know from experience, once you start dying it is very, very hard to stop. Seems like the perfect thing she can save up for.

While we’re on the topic of hair, I need all your Anti-Frizz advice please. I have developed a pretty effective regimen, involving three separate hair products and drying/straightening my hair with the ridiculously expensive tool my husband got me a few years ago. I have not achieved the glass hair of my dreams, but I’m mostly happy with it. Still, sometimes the humidity overrides the products.

Carla, unfortunately, does not have the time to straighten her hair. And she has not had the same luck with the products. (To be fair, this may be, how can I say this tactfully?, user error and not the fault of the products.)

What do you use to tame the frizz????

Oh! I have a hair related recommendation! I suspect this handy little tool is probably one of those things that y’all have been using already; I am often late to the trends party. My daughter got one for her birthday on the recommendation of a friend and I recently tried it on my own hair and I looooovvvvveeee it. I do worry that my hair will get caught and I’ll have to cut my way out of the damn thing, but it doesn’t seem to be possible. I have definitely gotten a little tangled (due to hubris; I tried to put more hair into the slot than could possibly fit), and extraction was simple, with no damage or hair loss.

I used to curl my hair every day, for many, many years. This tool makes the whole process leaps and bounds simpler, and the results are fabulous, AND there’s a little button that allows you to curl in opposite directions, so that all curls go away from or toward your face – an effect I was never able to achieve with a curling iron for reasons I still don’t understand. Because I like it so much, and because Carla does not love the idea of me keeping it in MY bathroom, I think I need to get a separate one for myself.

I think I’ll curl my hair for the dressy event.

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Turns Out I Have a Few More Random Topics in My System

One of my worst habits is picking up my phone when I wake up in the wee hours of the morning. Last night, I opened up my email to see a 30% off offer from Athleta, which is irresistible because I love their athleisure. (I still don’t know if it’s pronounced Ath-leh-tuh, like “lettuce” or Ath-LEE-tuh, like “athlete.” I want very badly for it to be the latter, but I don’t know.) I already have so many pairs of high-rise leggings, but they are so comfy… and maybe one more pair would ease the emptiness in my soul, especially in the dark green, and especially if I also get this matching sweatshirt.

Okay, I’m just kidding. My soul is full of (mainly) love and light. But I do sometimes get into that mindset of This One Specific Thing Will Fix Me.

Speaking of which, I cannot stop thinking about this sweatshirt.

image from evereve.com

I saw it in person when I was doing a little light shopping with a friend while our kids were at an event. A person in my circle happened to be in the same store and was chatting with us while I perused the clothing. When I held up this sweatshirt and said, mostly joking, “I think I need an après ski sweatshirt,” she said, “No, no one needs that.” in what I can only call a Tone of Intense Derision. DO I need this sweatshirt? No, I most certainly do not. And yet my reaction to her comment was one of visceral opposition and defiance. I managed to tamp it down in the moment – again, I do not need this sweatshirt – but I still want the sweatshirt, and more so after I was scolded about it. It’s probably not financially wise to buy things out of spite, though.

You know what is the opposite of spiteful? Holiday cards. How about that masterful segue, huh??? I have said it many times but holiday cards are my favorite thing about the season. I would forego all gifts in a hot second, but I would never want to give up exchanging holiday cards.

It is quite difficult to get a photo of my cards while still keeping everyone’s faces anonymous. So you get to look at this adorable Christmas dogs card while kind of getting a *feel* for the cards on my wall.

This year, there seem to be far fewer cards on my wall than in years past, when they have wrapped around the entire perimeter of the kitchen. This is slightly concerning. Obviously my main worry is that I have been blacklisted from people’s holiday card lists, for reasons unbeknownst to me. When the more likely scenario is that a) cards are expensive and b) stamps are HELLA expensive and c) Thanksgiving was late this year, so I think some people are late in sending out their cards. I only just got my last few cards into the mail yesterday, so I clearly don’t have a leg to stand on. More cards will arrive, and I will leave them up until my husband gets annoyed enough by their presence to badger me into taking them down.

His big concern with my tendency to stick cards on the walls is that the sticky tack I use won’t come off. I have always pooh poohed that fear because it always comes off. But… last year I may have left the cards up a wee bit too long… and some of the sticky tack may have pulled off a wee bit of paint. Whoopsie. This year I am using a different brand, one that is also nearer the grey of our paint.

If you were concerned that my husband’s stocking was going to be woefully empty compared to everyone else’s, allow me to lay your fears to rest. Last night, we went to Barnes & Noble on our date night, as we do, and he spent a long time examining this book. He doesn’t usually read books in print, because of limited time, but he was seriously considering this one. It has an intriguing premise, and it’s smallish (just over 200 pages) and it has a visual element that is unusual and appealing. He looked it up on Goodreads and told me that the author’s previous book was more highly rated, but, alas, not available in the store. So during my middle-of-the-night non-sleeping, I ordered the previous book for him, along with a book of dad jokes (he’d also spent quite a lot of time lingering over a dad jokes calendar, and he loves telling dad jokes, and this book can be delivered before Christmas so it was an easy add-on). Now I am REALLY DONE BUYING THINGS.

image from amazon.com
image from amazon.com

While a lot of people, I expect, will spend this weekend baking wonderful treats and going to holiday parties, I am planning to spend my weekend TIDYING. The Christmas decor, which I love, is already beginning to close in on me. There’s the tree, which takes up space, and the necessity of moving one of the armchairs into the piano room, which makes that room crowded (there’s STILL an old couch in there as well) (also we got a concrete coffee table for the sunroom and that’s in the piano room too). Plus there is detritus on every surface – like a tin of peppermints from someone at my husband’s office, and the replacement Hanukkah pajamas I mentioned in my last post, still in their bag, and a plate of Christmas cookies, and some gift receipts, and a winter-themed tie someone gave my husband, and the two holiday letters I received from friends that I have read but am not ready to discard yet – in addition to the normal random assortment of glasses and water bottles and cat fur and tweenager flotsam and mail. Of course, there are also BOXES EVERYWHERE (the instant I break down a box and put it into the recycling bin, another box appears) because the cat loves boxes, and he also loves the brown packing paper that comes in the boxes (his version of “These Are a Few of My Favorite Things” would just be “brown paper packages, brown paper packages, brown paper packages” on repeat), and he loves to leap on the packing paper and tear it with his teeth and leave little crumbs of paper everywhere.

The Instagram algorithm, intuiting my Christmas claustrophobia, served me a video of an advice vlogger answering someone’s question about Christmas with her mother-in-law. The gist was that the writer-inner’s mother-in-law had decreed that Christmas was over at noon on Christmas Day, and so promptly at noon she started putting away all the Christmas décor, and insisted the writer-inner help. It took them five hours to put away all the ornaments and lights and the tree, and the writer-inner was upset that THAT was how she’d spent her first Christmas with her new husband and his family. She was anticipating the same thing this year, and wanted help from the advice giver.

Oh, how deeply do I empathize with the mother-in-law! I, too, reach a point at which I am simply Done with Christmas, and when I get there, I want it all to be whisked away immediately. This is one of the reasons that I refuse to decorate for Christmas before December 1. I want to enjoy the decorations, not feel stifled by them. I do typically leave them up until at least New Year’s Day, though. Even if I’m gritting my teeth by the end.

By the way, the advice given was a) see if you can change the holiday arrangement so that you spend Christmas Eve with the in-laws and Christmas Day with your family, rather than swapping every-other-Christmas Day with each family and, if that’s a no-go, b) simply agree that Christmas ends at noon on Christmas Day, and depart the in-laws’ house at that time. I don’t know about how this would go over with your family, but I just cannot imagine doing either of these things with my family of origin or my in-laws. Our families don’t even swap Christmases that often! But if we did, the swap would need to be Exactly Even. And I also cannot imagine simply opting out of what sounds like a family tradition of putting Christmas away, even if it SUCKED. But then again, I am not always the greatest at setting boundaries so maybe the advice giver has it right.

Anyway, I am going to spend this weekend tidying as much as I possibly can (GOODBYE, latest crop of boxes!), and doing laundry, and giving myself a clean-if-cluttered slate from which to begin two weeks of family togetherness.

I am also going to try out a new hair crème, which I discovered after Instagram presumed (rightly!) that I would be interested in something called “glass hair.” None of my efforts at improving my skin with expensive products have worked, but surely I can have the hair of my dreams if I just buy This One Specific Hair Crème. (I had a gift card.)

image from amazon.com
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Seven for Sunday

Even when everything is awful, I have so much to be grateful for. Thank you to Elisabeth for driving that point home for me this past month, with her F.I.G. Collective.

Saturday, February 22: My husband and I undertook a very tedious house project I have been wanting to do since we moved in. (Going through all the paint in our basement, removing the paint that we will never need to the garage where we can let it dry out and then finally dispose of it, and moving the heavy, hideous shelving units on which the paint has been living so I can clean behind it. It was AWFUL, and it’s done, and I am very thankful I don’t have to think about it anymore.

Sunday, February 23: A very lovely friend has arranged an adventure for the two of us, as a birthday gift, and I am so touched by her generosity and also excited to see her. (We have an earlier adventure planned, which I am looking forward to as well. One adventure is food-focused and the other is book-focused, and I think you know food and books are two of my favorite things.) Sunday also came with a bonus dinner out with my parents. They took us to a restaurant we’d never been to before: I had delicious filet mignon and shared a scrumptious crème brûlée with my husband and kid, and the company and conversation were a balm against my (our collective???) current uptick in anxiety.

Monday, February 24: My local writing friend and I went for a nice long walk, during which we discussed all the non-writing concerns and triumphs in our lives, and then we headed to my house to write. I started our writing session doing exactly what I have promised myself I won’t do, which is rereading old chapters and editing them as I go. This story, as every story seems wont to do, has meandered away from where I originally thought it was going, so some of the early chapters are just plain wrong. It feels impossible to leave them like that! And yet this is some of the quicksand in which I get deeply and irretrievably stuck: I keep rewriting and rewriting and never finish the writing portion of the story, which, as you might agree, is pretty crucial. My friend and I checked in with each other after our designated sprint, and I admitted to her what I’d been doing, and she very gently and very kindly asked me if I could make a choice to leave those old chapters alone and write something new. It was a very simple suggestion, and a technique I am familiar with from parenting, and my initial reaction was resistance. But she looked at me without judgment and I looked at her, and I thought, okay, yes, I can do this. I can go back to the other chapters once this draft is done. And I ended up writing nearly 3,000 new words in new chapters. I feel like I am not conveying properly how kind and also freeing her suggestion was. I feel so grateful to have her as a friend and as a writing partner.

Tuesday, February 25: After my stellar writing day on Monday, I had time to make cupcakes. And I was very grateful on Tuesday to have fresh cupcakes to eat. But my main source of gratitude Tuesday was spending the afternoon with my parents. My dad I hung out and talked about finances and politics and health. My mom and I looked at her latest paintings. The three of us watched at least a dozen squirrels tear around the lawn and one of their trees. Then we went for a walk and ended up at the woodshop where my dad showed me his latest carpentry project. I hope I never take for granted that I can just pop over to their house and chat with them for a few hours. I hope we have many, many afternoons just like that in our future. Okay, maybe my time with my parents is tied for top spot, because I spent the evening with my husband and kid. My husband picked up the kiddo from school, which is always a treat for me (and for both of them), and then they picked up Mediterranean takeout for dinner, which we ate together around the table. It has historically been very difficult for the three of us to eat dinner together, but my husband and I are making more of an effort to make it happen, and I love it every time.

Wednesday, February 26: This was a hair washing day, and I was for once excited to wash my hair because – YOU GUYS – my husband got me the dryer/straightener of my dreams. It is truly magical. I have straightened my kid’s relentlessly wavy hair twice so far, and my own twice as well, and I love it so very much. Moreso than my gratitude for the hair dryer itself: I am deeply touched that my husband a) heard me when I was discussing the various merits and disadvantages of replacement hair dryers and b) that he would be on board with such an extravagance and c) that he would buy it FOR me as a surprise. (I hope this doesn’t sound too much like “I like my husband because he gets me fancy gifts” – I’m more thankful for the deliberate thoughtfulness. I trust you understand.)

Thursday, February 27: Engie emailed me to tell me that one of my all-time favorite books is going to be a movie! She and I agreed that the star – a Great Dane named Bing – is reason enough to watch the movie.

Friday, February 28: I am delighted that the month, the week, and my FIG collection efforts are all ending on the same day! So fun when things line up like that. I am also grateful for the penguin photos I keep getting from a friend who is in Antarctica right now. Nothing brightens a day quite like getting a text and finding out it’s another photo of PENGUINS.

This exercise of gratitude has been worthwhile, necessary, and more difficult than I anticipated. I have so much good in my life, and I don’t know why it can be so hard sometimes to find the glimmers amid the darkness. I strive to be more like Nicole, and devote regular time to giving thanks for the things I take for granted every day: clean water, electricity, abundant food, good health, a roof over my head, a safe place to walk, a loving family, wonderful friends. If this month has taught me anything, achieving that goal takes – like anything worthwhile – effort.

Thank you, Elisabeth, for leading this practice of gratitude. Thank you to everyone who participated, and whose FIGs brightened many of my days all month long.