no YOU’RE so vain

Five for Friday
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Five for Friday

Hooray for a few calm minutes in which I can sit and write a blog post! I have been so nonstop gogogo this school year that when I do have a few free moments, I feel certain I am forgetting something. Should I be at an appointment? Should I be picking up Carla for an appointment? Have I made dinner? Probably I could be exercising, but I am choosing to sit in a non-ergonomic position with my laptop on my thighs instead.

Absent-Minded or Mind Is Absent:

Forgetting something important is not, sadly, a hypothetical. This year so far I have already had a very embarrassing memory lapse. Carla had an orthodontist appointment; it was on my calendar; I got a text reminder the day before that I didn’t bother to open because I was already On Top Of It. I remembered to contact her school in advance to let them know I’d be picking her up. I reminded Carla about the appointment the night before and the morning of and reminded her both times that she would need to bring her retainer.

In the car on the way to school that morning, Carla wailed that she’d forgotten her retainer at home! The retainer she needed for the appointment, which was a retainer check. Fine. I will grab it for you, Carla! And yet, on my way to pick her up – like, literally five minutes away from her school – I realized that I, too, had forgotten her retainer at home.

My brain went immediately into project solving mode. Okay! I had arranged to pick her up early, so I would swoop in, grab her, race home, get the retainer, and race back to the orthodontist. If all went well, I might be ten or fifteen minutes late for her appointment. Not ideal. But we could still make it!

I called the orthodontist’s office to let them know the plan. But… no sound of the phone ringing on their end. No sound of the call being connected. I hung up and tried again. Same thing. I pulled up to Carla’s school. No Carla. The whole point of letting the school know in advance that she has an appointment is so that someone will go get her out of class and make sure she’s waiting in the lobby for me when I arrive. I tried the orthodontist again. Same issue. I went inside to get Carla. No one was in the reception office. Shit. I lurked in the lobby for a few minutes until the principal walked by, noticed me, and said he would go find Carla. After he left, Carla’s science teacher walked by and asked if I need help, and I said the principal was looking for Carla, and the science teacher said he would ALSO go look for Carla. I tried the orthodontist again. No answer. Okay, fine – they are having Phone Issues. But! They texted me a reminder the day before the appointment, so presumably I could text them back!

I opened the unread text reminder. Which is when I discovered that I was ALREADY AN HOUR LATE for the appointment. This is, of course, when the principal and science teacher reappeared, Carla in tow. And because they’d already gone to all this trouble of fetching her, I took her out of school even though we had missed her appointment. We went and got fast food for lunch and I brought her back to school. She pretty much thought it was The Best Thing Ever, but I felt (and still feel) like a massive dumbass.

Finger Embellishment:

I painted my nails burgundy in advance of my dressy event. I think they look lovely. How long will the nail color last? Hopefully through the event; I have learned that’s all I can really ask for. By the way, my kid and I got pedicures with my mother-in-law for her birthday, and I did my toes in this version of burgundy, which is so good. I would have bought it if the salon had sold it, but alas they did not.

Listen, I didn’t say I was GOOD at painting my nails. But no one is going to be looking at my old hands closely enough to see the mistakes.

Sandwich Success:

I have been doing The Bare Minimum when it comes to meals this school year. This was all fine and good when I was (not) feeding my own immediate family, but we’ve had houseguests for the past week. I ended up making some Actual Meals, one of which was the balsamic pork I’ve made a million times since my friend served it at her house many years ago. It’s a super easy slow cooker meal the results in shredded pork tenderloin. We serve it with brown rice, feta cheese, kalamata olives, and caramelized onions. (My husband adds diced sundried tomatoes, as well.) It’s delicious and different from most of the lemon- or soy-sauce-based meals I usually gravitate toward.

Because the only pork tenderloins I had in my freezer were a) giant and b) a two pack and c) frozen inextricably together, I had a mountain of shredded pork left over. Fortunately, I thought ahead and also had a ton of caramelized onions leftover. Instead of allowing all the leftovers to languish unused in my fridge until I finally threw them out, I decided to figure out how to repurpose them.

This is what I came up with: a vat of butternut squash soup with a fancy grilled cheese on the side. Sourdough bread, bacon onion jam, provolone cheese, leftover pork on one half, leftover caramelized onions on the other half. DELICIOUS.

I swear this is SO MUCH tastier than my photography skills might indicate.

Homophonic Hiccup:

As a former editor, I am prone to spotting errors in text. I like to think I’ve grown much less judgmental over the years when I come across a spelling, grammar, or usage error. We all make mistakes. Even the finest toothed comb of a copyeditor can overlook a typo. I make errors all the time, simply consult this here weblog for innumerable mistakes. And yet I still have my pet peeves. One of which is GLARING ERRORS in headlines, especially when those headlines come from major publications who should have careful editors on staff. “Lead” being misused as “led” really grates my teeth. Of course, this kind of thing happens, it does. Often I can overlook it; glass houses and all. But sometimes it makes me very grumpy and judge-y. This is one of those times.

You know, on second look, this headline has more issues than just the spelling error.

Little Golden Girls Books:

A dear friend of mine and I have a longstanding joke that I am Dorothy Zbornak and she is Blanche Devereaux from Golden Girls. (Which Golden Girl are you?) So when I saw this post about what the Golden Girls would be reading, I was delighted to see that I have read all three of the books assigned to Dorothy. (Depending on which book the group selects for Engie’s next round of the CBBC, perhaps we are ALL Dorothy????)

We have an action-packed weekend ahead of us. You will not be surprised to learn that I do not want to participate in any action. I want to sit at home with my cat and finish reading my new book (it’s so good and I have no idea where it’s going) and maybe eat another fancy grilled cheese sandwich. Instead, I’m going to go put on my fancy dress and shoes and try to muster up some social energy.

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Vanity Project(s)

I have a dressy event tomorrow, and I’ve been spending way too much time and money planning for it. It’s not like anyone cares what I look like, I realize this. And yet I still have been spending way too much time and money. Partly, the What to Wear frenzy is a manifestation of social anxiety; if only I wear the perfect dress and have the perfect hair and find the perfect accessories, I will not feel nervous or awkward! Conversation will flow effortlessly and I will not end up casting about for non-boring topics while the silence drags on interminably! I will say the exact right thing and speak neither too much nor too little and know intuitively just how much eye contact is enough! People will think I am charming and friendly instead of weird and gawky! Partly, I have lost a little weight this year, and none of my dressy clothes fit. Although I never have dressy clothes that fit, it seems like. Somehow, I nonetheless have a closet full of dresses.

My new dress is navy and I love it. It’s ankle length and it’s more body hugging than I usually wear. That makes it sound like it’s tight, which it most definitely is not. It’s just not the A-line/fit-and-flare silhouette I always gravitate toward. I originally wanted to go with gold accessories, but I tried on some gold jewelry with it and the combination read very old. Not sure if it was the gold and navy combo (doubtful; gold and navy together seem classic and chic), or the fact that the dress has kind of high-ish neckline, or if it was the combo on me, but it was not good. Silver, somehow, looked MUCH better. Younger. Fresher. Let’s be frank: I can use all the youth additive factors that I can get.

When I chose the dress and discovered that silver looked better than gold, I cheered myself with the fact that I already own silver shoes. Shoes with heels that are, alas, much too high and spindly for my post plantar fasciitis feet. I ended up buying new silver shoes with a kitten heel that make me feel much more secure. I also bought a silver clutch; I have been wanting an evening bag for years. Every time I go to a dressy occasion, I lament my lack of evening bags. Now I have one. Of course, now that I own the heels and the bag, I am realizing that I should have skipped the silver and gone with burgundy. Oh well. Too late now. Maybe I will have another occasion to wear this dress and I can seek out burgundy accessories for that. Maybe I will also have time to become the type of person who feels comfortable buying this evening bag, which I want quite badly without wanting in any way to pay the asking price. In the meantime, I am placating myself with some burgundy nail polish.

I realized last weekend that my hair needs a touch up. Seems like I need to color it more and more frequently these days, which is spendy. Usually, I get the updates done at a salon. It’s not that I can’t, technically, color my own hair; I gamely dyed my own hair during the pandemic, but I hated it so very much. The whole process is messy and I suck at applying the color and my hair always winds up with uneven darker chunks because I suck at it. Plus, it’s not like the at-home dye kit is FREE. If I’m going to pay for hair dye, I would rather also pay someone to apply it for me. Literally the only thing I enjoyed about coloring my own hair was the little envelope of conditioner that came with the dye kit. It made my hair SO soft.

Anyway, since my next hair appointment is not until after the dressy event, I purchased a touch-up kit with plans to cover my greys. Alas, I have been at Sports or School Things every night and with various service people or houseguests every day, so I have not managed to cover a damn thing. I have a few spare minutes this afternoon, and I floated the idea of coloring my hair today past my husband. In the kindest way possible, he said, “Absolutely not.” I mean… I suppose going with known grey roots is preferable to dealing with the potentially horrifying results of a last-minute dye job. The smart thing to do is return the kit and get my money back. But… I do love the conditioner.

Speaking of hair dye: Carla has been making some wistful comments recently about highlighting her hair. A bunch of her friends have gotten highlights, and it does look lovely. Unfortunately for Carla, I am a Mean Mom and I refuse to pay for her to color her hair. (See also: Starbucks and a cell phone.) First of all, she has gorgeous dark blonde hair with natural highlights. Second of all, highlights seem like they require intervention from an Experienced Hair Stylist, for which a) Carla has no time and b) I don’t want to pay. Third, as I know from experience, once you start dying it is very, very hard to stop. Seems like the perfect thing she can save up for.

While we’re on the topic of hair, I need all your Anti-Frizz advice please. I have developed a pretty effective regimen, involving three separate hair products and drying/straightening my hair with the ridiculously expensive tool my husband got me a few years ago. I have not achieved the glass hair of my dreams, but I’m mostly happy with it. Still, sometimes the humidity overrides the products.

Carla, unfortunately, does not have the time to straighten her hair. And she has not had the same luck with the products. (To be fair, this may be, how can I say this tactfully?, user error and not the fault of the products.)

What do you use to tame the frizz????

Oh! I have a hair related recommendation! I suspect this handy little tool is probably one of those things that y’all have been using already; I am often late to the trends party. My daughter got one for her birthday on the recommendation of a friend and I recently tried it on my own hair and I looooovvvvveeee it. I do worry that my hair will get caught and I’ll have to cut my way out of the damn thing, but it doesn’t seem to be possible. I have definitely gotten a little tangled (due to hubris; I tried to put more hair into the slot than could possibly fit), and extraction was simple, with no damage or hair loss.

I used to curl my hair every day, for many, many years. This tool makes the whole process leaps and bounds simpler, and the results are fabulous, AND there’s a little button that allows you to curl in opposite directions, so that all curls go away from or toward your face – an effect I was never able to achieve with a curling iron for reasons I still don’t understand. Because I like it so much, and because Carla does not love the idea of me keeping it in MY bathroom, I think I need to get a separate one for myself.

I think I’ll curl my hair for the dressy event.

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Saturday Randomosity: Distracting the Brain from Dream Grief Edition

I did my at-home sleep study last night, and had a terrible night of sleep (not surprising). The last straw was a horrible vivid nightmare about someone I love dying. I think I squeaked in at least six hours in bed, if not six hours of sleep, so I called it quits. Now I’m trying to banish the dream-grief with mundane things like de-scaling my tea kettle and washing sheets.  

Why do some dreams linger? The last dream that lingered was a nightmare about someone I see on a regular basis. He – let’s see; how much do you need to know about how disturbing my psyche is? – attacked me in the dream, and then, upon waking, I had to see him randomly out in the world while the feelings of the dream clung to me and to him. It was not pleasant. Poor guy! He is by all appearances a kind, friendly, hard-working person who would never dream of attacking anyone, except maybe the weeds in his garden. And yet now I feel all weird about him, as though my mind has secret perceptive powers. Yes,  yes, Gavin de Becker would probably tell me that I am indeed perceiving something real about his character (either that, or I am giving my own anxiety too much power), but I really think in this case IT WAS ONLY A DREAM.

Let us swiftly change subjects!

I was telling you the other day that I did buy the anti-cellulite cream and had started using it. I am going to continue using it. And I am also here to tell you that you should never, EVER apply it directly after taking a shower. The instructions say this: “You may start to feel a warming sensation, that’s totally normal! If you’re not into the tingle, we recommend waiting at least 20 minutes after a shower before applying. Use twice a day for best results.” I read the instructions, and found the wording peculiar. But I waited twenty minutes after showering to apply it the first few times, and then applied it a second time in the morning well before showering. But then. The other day I just… forgot, I guess? My husband and I had a date night planned, and I was doing all my normal getting-ready things, showering, doing my hair, etc. I slapped on some of this cream instead of my good ol’ Eucerin. This was the fieriest it has ever felt. And we were on a date! I was so uncomfortable! It wasn’t painful, just… deeply, deeply uncomfortable. I was wearing a dress and anytime my thighs touched, the heat intensified. I will not be doing that again.

It’s got to be working, right? I hope you are enjoying my play-by-play of this experience. I am nothing if not ever-hopeful when it comes to cellulite magic.

You know what I would like to magic into being? My kid’s summer schedule. I finally sat down with some calendar pages and plotted out all the camps that she’s expressed interest in, and there are a few overlaps but mostly I think she can do everything she wants to do. One of our neighbors has also asked if Carla will be available to do some dog walking this summer, which of course Carla is delighted to do. And then there will presumably be A Cat to play with, too.

I am fully on board with Carla having a relaxed, pet- and pool-centric summer. That sounds fabulous, and I am happy to limit the driving I need to do. But I do need her to do SOME THINGS. Maybe not every day, but probably most days, for a couple of hours. Otherwise, the battle over screen time is going to ruin our relationship. I wonder if I could simply BAN SCREENS during the day? Would that be doing myself a disservice? I just know that if I set a limit, that it will gradually erode. I’m not tough enough or disciplined enough to stick to, say, two hours a day, and Carla can smell weakness and will exploit it. (This is not a dig at her, it is purely about my own shortcomings, I hope you understand.) But then again, if I ban her from screens, and then am sitting around typing away at my own screen – which I need to do in order to achieve my own goals – I feel like that’s a massive double standard? I can already hear the relentless arguments about how unfair it is. No. Better to whisk her away to camp for some period of time each day so that I feel less terrible about the inevitable screen time taking place the rest of the time.

(I feel like I have to include the caveat that different kids are different, and can handle screen time differently, and that my kid’s needs are specific to her and don’t reflect on you or your kids at all. And also that my parenting strategy, lackluster as it may be, does in fact involve some modicum of boundary-holding; I just recognize my own limits and the value of picking battles.)

Oh – I finally, after dithering about it for eons, and being terribly afraid I will offend someone, have added a blog roll to my site. If your blog is not listed, please know that this is purely user error, to be blamed on me and my current unworkable hodgepodge method of following blogs, which uses a combination of Feedly, bookmarks in various browsers, and the power of memory which we all know is subpar at best. If your blog is not featured, it has NOTHING to do with YOU. I want to read your blog, I want to list it in my blogroll, so please let me know if it is not there and I will add it. I promise to comment as erratically as I post.

The other thing on my mind today is my niece, who is turning TEN. Even though Carla is not quite two years older, I am at a loss for what the ten-year-old set is into these days. NOT makeup; my father-in-law noted that my niece is overrun with Ulta and Sephora gift cards, and hasn’t really found a use for them. She used to like robots, and this looks pretty cool. She likes math; would a math game be a good birthday present? (I would not like a math game for myself.) A Pokémon gift bag might be cool, if she is still into Pokémon. Although wait – shipping starts at $175? Never mind. Clearly, I do not know my niece as well as I wish I did, so I am drawing a blank. Any ideas????

Okay, that’s all I’ve got this morning, Internet! Hope your Saturday is off to a great start!