Social Ineptitude

by

Vanity Project(s)

I have a dressy event tomorrow, and I’ve been spending way too much time and money planning for it. It’s not like anyone cares what I look like, I realize this. And yet I still have been spending way too much time and money. Partly, the What to Wear frenzy is a manifestation of social anxiety; if only I wear the perfect dress and have the perfect hair and find the perfect accessories, I will not feel nervous or awkward! Conversation will flow effortlessly and I will not end up casting about for non-boring topics while the silence drags on interminably! I will say the exact right thing and speak neither too much nor too little and know intuitively just how much eye contact is enough! People will think I am charming and friendly instead of weird and gawky! Partly, I have lost a little weight this year, and none of my dressy clothes fit. Although I never have dressy clothes that fit, it seems like. Somehow, I nonetheless have a closet full of dresses.

My new dress is navy and I love it. It’s ankle length and it’s more body hugging than I usually wear. That makes it sound like it’s tight, which it most definitely is not. It’s just not the A-line/fit-and-flare silhouette I always gravitate toward. I originally wanted to go with gold accessories, but I tried on some gold jewelry with it and the combination read very old. Not sure if it was the gold and navy combo (doubtful; gold and navy together seem classic and chic), or the fact that the dress has kind of high-ish neckline, or if it was the combo on me, but it was not good. Silver, somehow, looked MUCH better. Younger. Fresher. Let’s be frank: I can use all the youth additive factors that I can get.

When I chose the dress and discovered that silver looked better than gold, I cheered myself with the fact that I already own silver shoes. Shoes with heels that are, alas, much too high and spindly for my post plantar fasciitis feet. I ended up buying new silver shoes with a kitten heel that make me feel much more secure. I also bought a silver clutch; I have been wanting an evening bag for years. Every time I go to a dressy occasion, I lament my lack of evening bags. Now I have one. Of course, now that I own the heels and the bag, I am realizing that I should have skipped the silver and gone with burgundy. Oh well. Too late now. Maybe I will have another occasion to wear this dress and I can seek out burgundy accessories for that. Maybe I will also have time to become the type of person who feels comfortable buying this evening bag, which I want quite badly without wanting in any way to pay the asking price. In the meantime, I am placating myself with some burgundy nail polish.

I realized last weekend that my hair needs a touch up. Seems like I need to color it more and more frequently these days, which is spendy. Usually, I get the updates done at a salon. It’s not that I can’t, technically, color my own hair; I gamely dyed my own hair during the pandemic, but I hated it so very much. The whole process is messy and I suck at applying the color and my hair always winds up with uneven darker chunks because I suck at it. Plus, it’s not like the at-home dye kit is FREE. If I’m going to pay for hair dye, I would rather also pay someone to apply it for me. Literally the only thing I enjoyed about coloring my own hair was the little envelope of conditioner that came with the dye kit. It made my hair SO soft.

Anyway, since my next hair appointment is not until after the dressy event, I purchased a touch-up kit with plans to cover my greys. Alas, I have been at Sports or School Things every night and with various service people or houseguests every day, so I have not managed to cover a damn thing. I have a few spare minutes this afternoon, and I floated the idea of coloring my hair today past my husband. In the kindest way possible, he said, “Absolutely not.” I mean… I suppose going with known grey roots is preferable to dealing with the potentially horrifying results of a last-minute dye job. The smart thing to do is return the kit and get my money back. But… I do love the conditioner.

Speaking of hair dye: Carla has been making some wistful comments recently about highlighting her hair. A bunch of her friends have gotten highlights, and it does look lovely. Unfortunately for Carla, I am a Mean Mom and I refuse to pay for her to color her hair. (See also: Starbucks and a cell phone.) First of all, she has gorgeous dark blonde hair with natural highlights. Second of all, highlights seem like they require intervention from an Experienced Hair Stylist, for which a) Carla has no time and b) I don’t want to pay. Third, as I know from experience, once you start dying it is very, very hard to stop. Seems like the perfect thing she can save up for.

While we’re on the topic of hair, I need all your Anti-Frizz advice please. I have developed a pretty effective regimen, involving three separate hair products and drying/straightening my hair with the ridiculously expensive tool my husband got me a few years ago. I have not achieved the glass hair of my dreams, but I’m mostly happy with it. Still, sometimes the humidity overrides the products.

Carla, unfortunately, does not have the time to straighten her hair. And she has not had the same luck with the products. (To be fair, this may be, how can I say this tactfully?, user error and not the fault of the products.)

What do you use to tame the frizz????

Oh! I have a hair related recommendation! I suspect this handy little tool is probably one of those things that y’all have been using already; I am often late to the trends party. My daughter got one for her birthday on the recommendation of a friend and I recently tried it on my own hair and I looooovvvvveeee it. I do worry that my hair will get caught and I’ll have to cut my way out of the damn thing, but it doesn’t seem to be possible. I have definitely gotten a little tangled (due to hubris; I tried to put more hair into the slot than could possibly fit), and extraction was simple, with no damage or hair loss.

I used to curl my hair every day, for many, many years. This tool makes the whole process leaps and bounds simpler, and the results are fabulous, AND there’s a little button that allows you to curl in opposite directions, so that all curls go away from or toward your face – an effect I was never able to achieve with a curling iron for reasons I still don’t understand. Because I like it so much, and because Carla does not love the idea of me keeping it in MY bathroom, I think I need to get a separate one for myself.

I think I’ll curl my hair for the dressy event.

by

Wednesday Randomosity: Various Small Updates and Summer Shopping Edition

My darling cat is OBSESSED with going outside. At least, I think that is the reason he now meows at me all the time. Even though taking him outside makes some people extremely nervous (Hi Mom! I love you!), I persist for two reasons: 1. I want him to be familiar enough with “outside” to know where his house is, if he ever gets outside by accident, and to feel like he is not in a completely alien environment, and 2. I am in constant search of “enrichment” opportunities for him, and being outside is a great way to tire him out.

He wears a harness and I hold tightly to it at all times. His top favorite outdoor activities are rolling luxuriously on the pavers, watching birds, sniffing the air, and trying to eat various grasses and leaves that I’m SURE are poisonous. (I do not allow him to do this last thing, in case you were worried.)

Guess what? The GRILL IS GONE!!!!! I paid a junk removal company to remove it, along with some other junk we had lying around, and they removed all the junk and I feel so light and free! Worth every penny.

In other outdoor updates, my mystery plant is beginning to flower. Lauren says it is probably a phlox, and I would trust Lauren with my life in a plant-related situation (quite possibly in several other situations as well, which feels like a weird thing to say about a person I know solely through the internet, but here we are), and I am super eager for the flowers to bloom so we can know for sure.

Meandering along with more plant talk, I have serious flower envy. I feel like my flowers bloom later and with less abundance than my neighbors’ flowers, and I want to know their secrets. One of my neighbors has several hydrangeas in front of her house and they are in full, glorious bloom, while mine are barely eking out a blossom here and there. Surely there is something I could do, involving fertilizer or plant food or gentle lullabies, but I am reluctant to mess with plants that are at least growing. My lavender is looking lush and gorgeous, and my astilbe is flourishing this year like never before, and my magnolia tree is putting out gorgeous and fragrant flowers, so I should probably stop complaining.

You know what else is flowering? Yes, I am still talking about plants. The three zucchini plants I grew from seed. And yet, they are only producing male flowers! WTF?!

Okay, one more plant topic, which is that I immediately bought the grow lights that Kate recommended for my indoor plants and I am excited to set them up and see if they have any effect on my light-starved little friends. (The lights are on sale for Prime Day, and I will note that the sale is for $55.97, down from $79.95, and I paid $63.96 for them last week.)

Oh, I lied. I have ANOTHER plant update, which is that I went searching for replacement palms and ended up coming home with two giant ferns.

Let’s stay outside for a second and talk about summer essentials. Even though I know all the reasons to avoid Amazon, I do find it convenient and cost-effective enough to continue using it. Especially when the other options are so much less convenient and/or more expensive and/or don’t have the things I need. I feel guilty about this; I continue to search for ways to reduce my reliance on Amazon; and I still use it. Anyway. Prime Day is this week and so I’m taking the opportunity to load up on some summer essentials. Refills for my Thermacell mosquito repellent are at the top of the list. (By the way, if you don’t have one yet, it is on sale for $19.79; I got it for my parents last summer for $32.99. I love this thing so much because it works. It’s an excellent housewarming or hostess gift for people who spend a lot of time outdoors.) Another summer essential is my favorite moisturizing face serum with SPF. It is SO GOOD. I wear it daily. My favorite summer drink these days is a half-and-half mixture of grapefruit sparkling water and Trader Joe’s jalapeno limeade. SO GOOD.

Of course, as I’m adding bug repellent and sun repellent to my online cart, I am also perusing some of the things I’ve been dithering over for a long time. Namely, solar fence lights and some floating pool lights.

As you can tell, I am an excellent consumer. My husband said the other day that sometimes it feels like all we do is spend money. Does it feel that way to anyone else? Because it DOES feel that way. In part, there was some frenzy of last minute purchases to prepare Carla for camp. And then there was some Father’s Day gift buying. And then some gifts for Carla’s upcoming birthday. Plant stuff. Food and litter for the cat. Groceries. Birthday gifts for a friend, baby gifts for my housecleaner, new home gifts for my friend who just bought her first house. Prescriptions. Gas. And that’s just STUFF stuff, not bigger picture things like utilities and travel plans and, like, insurance. I am grateful to be able to buy the things we need. I am mindful that it feels like A Lot, and my husband and I are looking for ways to cut back.

Speaking of spending money AND of Carla’s birthday: We are having a skating party at the roller rink followed by a slumber party at our house. I think Carla is into the idea of a 90s theme for her party, which I am extremely delighted to get behind. I am imagining party favor bags full of Koosh balls and slap bracelets and tiny troll dolls and hours of playing Light As a Feather, Stiff As a Board.

Something else that has been on my mind, totally unrelated to anything else, is Class Dynamics. Specifically, when the teacher goes around the class and expects each person to make a comment on whatever it is you’re studying that week. I hate that. First of all, there’s the part where I have to speak, out loud, to other people. Even if I have thoughts on the subject at hand, there’s a good chance those thoughts will get garbled on the way out, and/or I’ll talk too fast, and/or I’ll jump around incoherently, and/or I’ll say something that doesn’t sound out loud the way it does in my head, and/or I’ll try to be funny and it will not make sense. Secondly, I hate speaking first, because there’s so much pressure on that and also it feels like being a goody two shoes… but I also hate speaking after other people have gone, because by then my exact points will for sure have been stated, in a clearer and more interesting way. And I cannot think on my feet; no way, if I know that we’ll be going around the room, I will have prepared my response WELL in advance. Thirdly, I hate it when the instructor either doesn’t respond to your comment, or responds with something like “thank you” or “okay” when it seems like she responds to everyone else with “good point” or “I was thinking the exact same thing.” Fourthly, I hate “going round the room” in general, because there’s no connectivity! The whole point is to say something different from everyone else, and so you’re not having a conversation, you’re giving a presentation, and I hate that.

See, this is why I distract myself with plants and purchases. Because dealing with other humans is TOO FRAUGHT.

Lest we end on such a weird an anxious note, let us turn our gaze once more to my cat. Carla’s new pajamas (birthday gift) arrived the other day and I opened the box on the counter and Lenny was CERTAIN I was doing something Extremely Interesting that he didn’t want to miss. Sure enough, I had revealed a perfect resting spot.

by

Three Things Thursday

I have an exciting day of errands and a home improvement project with my dad and physical therapy in front of me, but I’m having a very hard time getting going. Here are three things on my mind.

Meeting People Never Gets Easier: No matter how old I get, I never find it easier to meet people. In advance of the meeting, I get SO NERVOUS. Like, cannot focus on anything else nervous. If I lose track of the time for five minutes and then realize that I haven’t looked at my watch to ensure I’m not late, my heart drops into my stomach nervous. And then during the meeting of the people, I feel like I vacillate WILDLY between trying so hard to Be Myself that I forget entirely what that is/feels like, and trying too hard in general that I come across as completely unhinged. Am I making too much eye contact? Am I laughing too loudly? Why am I trying to be funny when I am not funny and also this new person has no context for my sense of humor? Am I gesturing with my hands too much? Why did I say that? I feel like I should prepare a Suzanne Briefing Pamphlet to hand out to new acquaintances, so that they know I am 100% always this awkward, but the awkwardness will smooth out (at least a little bit) (I hope) over time.

How Does She Do It? I ran into a neighbor at the grocery store the other day. I was in athletic clothes and tennis shoes, I had brushed my hair and washed my face but didn’t have a lick of makeup on. She was wearing an adorable outfit, had a full face of makeup, and looked like she was ready to star in a commercial for that grocery store or perhaps accept a nomination to become the patron saint of motherhood. She is one of the most genuinely nice people I have ever met, she is involved at her kids’ school, and she has five children. (The oldest is Carla’s age.) Listen. I know comparison is dumb and useless. And also, I want to know HOW??? Like, what does her morning look like, that she has time to get five children off to school, but also has time to make her hair look like that and do her makeup and choose the cutest outfit? I feel like you are going to say prioritization, but also, that can’t be the only explanation???? There are occasions when I need to be presentable first thing in the morning, and I manage it, but just barely. The most recent time I put on Real Clothes and makeup (and by “makeup” I mean mascara and eye balm), we left the house fifteen minutes late. I wake up at 5:30! I don’t even exercise or shower in the morning! All I do is tend to the cat, make and drink tea, wake up my child, make breakfast, pester my child to get out of bed/get dressed/eat breakfast, throw on some exercise clothes and do the bare minimum of hair/skin/dental care. Maybe this other mom’s kids actually get out of bed when she wakes them up, and maybe she doesn’t make them breakfast, maybe she is always fifteen minutes late, and maybe her husband is also helping with Morning Stuff? I know they don’t have a cat, but THAT CANNOT BE THE RATE LIMITING FACTOR. I’m not even jealous. I’m just perplexed. Okay, I’m also jealous. But I really want to know HOW.

Cleaning Project Success(es): I finished my Big Cleaning and Organization Project this week. It took seven hours and resulted in five enormous black trash bags full of trash. There is still a clothing organization element I have yet to complete. I find that memoirs are the ideal content for me whilst undertaking projects of this nature, and I listened to The Third Gilmore Girl by Kelly Bishop and unSweetined by Jody Sweetin while I worked. Both books were narrated by the authors, which I loved. I enjoyed them both immensely. (I also tried both You Never Know by Tom Selleck and Paris by Paris Hilton, but they didn’t do it for me so I moved on.) After I’d shut the door on the clothing aspect of my big project, I undertook a smaller cleaning project: my desk. Somehow – probably because I tend to sit in my cozy armchair to do any actual writing – my desk becomes a repository for all manner of things, from receipts to coupons to things I need to return and books and old Halloween decorations and wrapping paper and bat mitzvah invitations and more. It had gotten to the point of overflow that my cat would knock multiple things onto the floor every single time he jumped up onto it. Often in the middle of night, jarring me from sleep with a pounding heart until I realized the sound that had awakened me was not a murderer but Lenny displacing a box of highlighters and handful of carpet samples. Anyway, it was time to clean it and clean it I did. Shall we place bets on how long it takes before my desk is once again overcome with stuff?

Okay, that’s all I’ve got. I am going to go put on makeup and Real Clothes and do the things I need to do.