writing

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Seven for Sunday

Even when everything is awful, I have so much to be grateful for. Thank you to Elisabeth for driving that point home for me this past month, with her F.I.G. Collective.

Saturday, February 22: My husband and I undertook a very tedious house project I have been wanting to do since we moved in. (Going through all the paint in our basement, removing the paint that we will never need to the garage where we can let it dry out and then finally dispose of it, and moving the heavy, hideous shelving units on which the paint has been living so I can clean behind it. It was AWFUL, and it’s done, and I am very thankful I don’t have to think about it anymore.

Sunday, February 23: A very lovely friend has arranged an adventure for the two of us, as a birthday gift, and I am so touched by her generosity and also excited to see her. (We have an earlier adventure planned, which I am looking forward to as well. One adventure is food-focused and the other is book-focused, and I think you know food and books are two of my favorite things.) Sunday also came with a bonus dinner out with my parents. They took us to a restaurant we’d never been to before: I had delicious filet mignon and shared a scrumptious crème brûlée with my husband and kid, and the company and conversation were a balm against my (our collective???) current uptick in anxiety.

Monday, February 24: My local writing friend and I went for a nice long walk, during which we discussed all the non-writing concerns and triumphs in our lives, and then we headed to my house to write. I started our writing session doing exactly what I have promised myself I won’t do, which is rereading old chapters and editing them as I go. This story, as every story seems wont to do, has meandered away from where I originally thought it was going, so some of the early chapters are just plain wrong. It feels impossible to leave them like that! And yet this is some of the quicksand in which I get deeply and irretrievably stuck: I keep rewriting and rewriting and never finish the writing portion of the story, which, as you might agree, is pretty crucial. My friend and I checked in with each other after our designated sprint, and I admitted to her what I’d been doing, and she very gently and very kindly asked me if I could make a choice to leave those old chapters alone and write something new. It was a very simple suggestion, and a technique I am familiar with from parenting, and my initial reaction was resistance. But she looked at me without judgment and I looked at her, and I thought, okay, yes, I can do this. I can go back to the other chapters once this draft is done. And I ended up writing nearly 3,000 new words in new chapters. I feel like I am not conveying properly how kind and also freeing her suggestion was. I feel so grateful to have her as a friend and as a writing partner.

Tuesday, February 25: After my stellar writing day on Monday, I had time to make cupcakes. And I was very grateful on Tuesday to have fresh cupcakes to eat. But my main source of gratitude Tuesday was spending the afternoon with my parents. My dad I hung out and talked about finances and politics and health. My mom and I looked at her latest paintings. The three of us watched at least a dozen squirrels tear around the lawn and one of their trees. Then we went for a walk and ended up at the woodshop where my dad showed me his latest carpentry project. I hope I never take for granted that I can just pop over to their house and chat with them for a few hours. I hope we have many, many afternoons just like that in our future. Okay, maybe my time with my parents is tied for top spot, because I spent the evening with my husband and kid. My husband picked up the kiddo from school, which is always a treat for me (and for both of them), and then they picked up Mediterranean takeout for dinner, which we ate together around the table. It has historically been very difficult for the three of us to eat dinner together, but my husband and I are making more of an effort to make it happen, and I love it every time.

Wednesday, February 26: This was a hair washing day, and I was for once excited to wash my hair because – YOU GUYS – my husband got me the dryer/straightener of my dreams. It is truly magical. I have straightened my kid’s relentlessly wavy hair twice so far, and my own twice as well, and I love it so very much. Moreso than my gratitude for the hair dryer itself: I am deeply touched that my husband a) heard me when I was discussing the various merits and disadvantages of replacement hair dryers and b) that he would be on board with such an extravagance and c) that he would buy it FOR me as a surprise. (I hope this doesn’t sound too much like “I like my husband because he gets me fancy gifts” – I’m more thankful for the deliberate thoughtfulness. I trust you understand.)

Thursday, February 27: Engie emailed me to tell me that one of my all-time favorite books is going to be a movie! She and I agreed that the star – a Great Dane named Bing – is reason enough to watch the movie.

Friday, February 28: I am delighted that the month, the week, and my FIG collection efforts are all ending on the same day! So fun when things line up like that. I am also grateful for the penguin photos I keep getting from a friend who is in Antarctica right now. Nothing brightens a day quite like getting a text and finding out it’s another photo of PENGUINS.

This exercise of gratitude has been worthwhile, necessary, and more difficult than I anticipated. I have so much good in my life, and I don’t know why it can be so hard sometimes to find the glimmers amid the darkness. I strive to be more like Nicole, and devote regular time to giving thanks for the things I take for granted every day: clean water, electricity, abundant food, good health, a roof over my head, a safe place to walk, a loving family, wonderful friends. If this month has taught me anything, achieving that goal takes – like anything worthwhile – effort.

Thank you, Elisabeth, for leading this practice of gratitude. Thank you to everyone who participated, and whose FIGs brightened many of my days all month long.

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Seven for Saturday 

It has been a fine week, with lots of good things, and nonetheless I have been alternately crabby and weepy all week. Thank goodness for Elisabeth, who, through her F.I.G. Collective, is encouraging us to find joy in gratitude, every single day, all month long. 

Saturday, February 1: 

  • I spotted tulips for the first time this year in the grocery store and bought a bunch. Not only do they brighten up my kitchen, they remind me that spring is on its way and soon my yard will be full of blooms.
  • My parents came over so my dad could work on a school project with Carla, and my mom and I got to go for a long early evening walk. This is one of the unexpected joys of having them nearby – they can just pop over for a couple of hours! We can simply go for a walk together! We had a nice talk and moved our bodies and enjoyed the crisp February air. 
  • When we returned, Carla was hanging out with my dad while he told her stories about his childhood. Oh, my heart! 

Sunday, February 2:

  • We got caught in a snowstorm on our way home from an epic back-to-back Costco/Target spending spree, and the whole world was magical again for a few hours. I don’t love driving in inclement weather, but I love it when everything is coated in white.
  • My dad came BACK to our house for the second half of the school project. He and Carla were making chocolates as part of a request to showcase a family tradition. My dad has been making chocolates for decades, and when I was a kid, I would make them with him at Christmastime to hand out to friends. We started with rolled truffles, like the ones he and Carla made, and eventually branched out into dipped and filled truffles. It was a tradition I loved and have managed to execute once or twice with Carla. (I found a photo of the three of us dipping truffles back in 2015! Carla was so small!!!!) I love that she remembers making truffles with her grandfather and that this was the tradition she wanted to share with her classmates. 
  • Carla, her dad, and I snuggled up together to watch Groundhog Day, which was more poignant than I remember. My goodness do I love Andie MacDowell’s hair in that movie. Between Andie and Julia Roberts and Keri Russell, the 1990s were full of such amazing hair.  

Monday, February 3:

  • After the grocery store (yes, if you’re keeping count this is three days of shopping in a row), I got in a good strength training workout, which always makes me feel strong and healthy.
  • I had an online writing session with a friend! This is so inspirational and motivational to me – to set aside time with a friend explicitly for writing, to discuss our concerns and writing triumphs. I also love it because we set aside a few minutes before and after we write to gab about other things and THAT is delightful in a totally different way.
  • I had a hankering for pasta primavera, which I’ve made before with limited success. But I tried this recipe and it turned out great! I also tried a new type of pasta (I am such a sucker for variations on regular old Barilla) (which I love, don’t get me wrong) and it was just as good as “normal” pasta. 

Tuesday, February 4:

  • Even though it was quite slippery outside, I met up with a local friend for a walk. Neither of us fell, for which I am very grateful. 
  • After our writing session, I was still in a creative groove. Then, my husband texted to say he would be done with work early and offered to pick up Carla from school, which was on his way home. Yes please! That saved me a whole hour of driving and allowed me to keep writing and writing.
  • My husband and I started watching a new show, which is extremely well done.

Wednesday, February 5:

  • My husband took Carla to school AND picked her up from school! That is TWO HOURS of extra time, right off the bat. I was able to get a sweaty HIIT workout in before eight…
  • …and then my local writing friend came over for our second writing session of the week. 
  • Since I didn’t have to drive Carla to and from school, I had two extra hours in my day and ended up doing tons of laundry, vacuuming the house, going for a quick walk, AND getting a ton of writing done. Such a productive day! Then, to make up for not getting much time with my kiddo, we spent extra time reading our book before bed. We are getting so close to the end, so pretty much every page is exciting.

Thursday, February 6:

  • This morning, I met up with a friend for tea. Due to kid illnesses, call schedules, and various other obstacles, we hadn’t seen each other for a very long time and had a LOT to catch up on. We talked and talked until she accidentally looked at her watch and we realized we’d been chatting for two hours. Whoops!
  • Today was my scheduled call with another long distance writing friend. I am so lucky to have THREE people with whom I can share ideas, complain, brainstorm, and discuss the ups and downs of trying to put your story into words.
  • My husband and I met with our new accountants, and they are so awesome I kind of want to be an accountant now??? and then we picked up Carla together and spent a pleasant hour at the mall, smelling perfumes.

Friday, February 7:

  • My parents are coming over for the Super Bowl on Sunday, and I stopped in at a local gourmet food shop to pick up some snacky treats. I am VERY excited about trying them. 
  • The sun was shining, so I got in a nice long walk in the bracing cold. 
  • The tulips I bought last Saturday still look gorgeous! 

If I were to summarize what I’m grateful for – at least this week – it would be creative time, time moving my body (especially outdoors), and time with the people I love. When I look at the abundance of those things in my life, it makes a lot of the bad feelings seem very small. 

Thank you, Elisabeth, for helping me find joy and gratitude during a week that felt unaccountably bleak.

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Six Things Sunday

Oh hello there! It’s been too long! Like, really too long. Thank you so much to everyone who has written a sweet note or text or blog comment checking in. I feel very loved, and I’m so sorry if I caused you any worry.

I’m also a little embarrassed, to be honest. Because there is NO REASON for my very lengthy impromptu break from the blog world. I can say “I’ve been busy” because that’s true, but also: WE ARE ALL BUSY. And yet YOU have continued to prioritize posting and commenting and I somehow have not. 

That doesn’t mean I don’t miss you. And it doesn’t mean that I don’t feel tremendous guilt about missing all the things going on in your life. There are a lot of negatives in there; I trust you get where I’m coming from. 

1. Writer’s Block: Because I am currently struggling to think of ANYTHING AT ALL to write in this post, I might as well start with the Big Dumb Excuse, which is that I have been suffering a severe case of Writer’s Block lately. I sit down to write and there might be a few gasping spurts of words but then there’s nothing but hissing air and the sense that something might be broken. I have neglected all three of my writing partners this month, and I hate that. As someone who thrives when I know a friend is sitting beside me, tapping away at their keyboard at the exact same time, I hate that I’m not holding up my end of the clickety-clack. When I told one of my writing pals that I hadn’t written a word in eons, he mused that he doesn’t believe in writer’s block. I get it; he has been a professional writer for decades now, and when there is a deadline, you simply can’t have writer’s block. You find a way for the words to flow. And I managed to tap into that source this month – the cold, deep pool of responsibility in which swim your reputation and your income, present and future – for a work project, and again for an editing project. But I could not get it together to do any other writing whatsoever. I opened my document of blog posts and stared at it more times that you can imagine. I made lists of blog topics. I brainstormed a new story idea with a friend via text. I opened up in-progress works and stared at them. That’s as far as I got. My writer’s-block-is-not-a-thing friend gently tried to prompt me to just WRITE, anything, even if it’s crap, and – this blog post aside – I find that nearly impossible to do. I know that it’s like exercise: you do it, even if it hurts, even if your heart feels like it will explode the cage of your ribs, and the more you do it, the easier it gets, bit by agonizing bit. And yet I find myself staring at the cursor, blinking, blinking, and cannot remember what a sentence is or how to form one. Alongside the shame of any kind of personal failure, there’s something uniquely demoralizing about not being able to do something you’ve always done. ANYWAY. I no longer have The Chaos of May to blame for my not sitting and staring at the cursor, so I’m forcing myself to Just Do It, even if the results are Of Highly Questionable Value.

2. The Best Thing About My House: It has been SO FUN to see my yard come alive this spring and summer! The previous owners planted so many things and many of them are haphazard and a little weird (like big tufts of grass that seem to be plopped down in places with no rhyme or reason), but many of them are delightful. There is a lone forsythia bush in the back yard that burst into yellow in early spring. A lilac bush followed, and oh – lilac is one of my favorite scents. I collected big bunches of the blooms and brought them inside where they filled the house with spring scent. And then came a glorious surprise: IRISES. I adore irises. Alongside tulips, they may be my favorite flower ever. We had so many of them! They were gorgeous and smell divine. There is a magnolia tree in my backyard! I have wanted a magnolia tree since college, when I first encountered one outside my freshman year dorm. For several magical days each spring, you could walk through a shower of fragrant pink petals. And now I have my own! It’s white, though, but it’s nonetheless so lovely. We have roses! And daylilies! And peonies! Catmint and lavender by the bushel! And a bunch of flowers I don’t recognize! The hydrangeas are just starting to bloom and we have some butterfly bushes and I am just so happy with all of this color and scent and summery abundance. 

3. Plans and Planning: A million years ago, I asked for advice about buying a planner. I am not a planner person, but I wanted to BECOME a planner person. So many of my blog readers are planner people, and they all seem to Have It Together, so I kind of deluded myself into thinking if only I had a planner, I could also Have It Together. I admit, somewhat sheepishly to everyone who was kind enough to leave a helpful comment, that I panic-ordered the first specific planner someone suggested. It was a Passion Planner, recommended by Kate (thanks, Kate!) and I got it in the 5×8 size because that’s what Gigi recommended. It arrived, and I looked at it, and it has since gone unused. Turns out I have no idea how to use a planner. Anyway. My daughter is beginning MIDDLE SCHOOL next year, and the Middle School administration recommends using a planner to keep track of their absolutely bonkerballs schedule (bonkerballs is my term, not theirs; presumably they think it is doable and normal), so I bought Carla a planner and we are going to learn how to use one together this summer. 

4. More Gardening Talk! My husband and daughter got me a garden center gift certificate for Mother’s Day, so I spent one entire glorious day shopping for and planting a whole host of annuals. The previous owners left quite a few containers behind (some of which are in poor shape; one disintegrated the instant I moved it) and I had some containers from my old house. So I had a lot of real estate to fill. I bought plenty of flowers but I also bought a bunch of vegetables. It’s been a few years since I tried to grow veggies, but our backyard is fenced in, so there is no danger of deer (chipmunk danger is, however, rampant) and I’m excited to try again. I have a zucchini plant, a broccoli plant, two different cucumbers (I asked A Woman Who Seemed to Know Her Stuff for cucumber advice at the garden center, and she recommended two types, and I felt like I couldn’t not take her advice), a strawberry plant, a jalapeno plant. I also planted a few sugar snap peas and a bunch of herbs (thyme, rosemary, basil, cilantro). THEN our old next door neighbor texted me that she’d grown a few tomato plants from seed just for Carla. The neighbor is an avid gardener, and Carla used to go over to her house to play with her dog and they’d end up in the garden, where Carla would eat so many tomatoes. This former neighbor is also solely responsible for Carla liking broccoli, which is a thing she now reliably eats, so you will understand that I have undying love and adoration for this person and her magical powers. We just got to visit the ex-neighbor and her dog, where we also collected three beautiful tomato plants, and as soon as I’m done typing this nonsense I am going to go move them from their tiny pots into bigger containers. 

5. Summer Priorities: Carla and I sat down the other day and came up with a list of summer priorities. I feel like I have too many priorities, though, and feel a little pre-stressed about failing to prioritize any of them. Anyway, my daily priorities are: writing, exercising, spending time outside, spending time with my kid, reading, dusting off my rusty French. Weekly, I want to swim, go for a drive, and have a family movie night. Carla’s daily priorities are: biking, playing with the neighbors, reading, and swimming. (She is also studying French daily, though for some reason it didn’t make it on the priorities list.) Each week, she wants to walk with me, swim with me, get ice cream, and have playdates with friends. Some of these things can be done in combination. Like, if Carla and I go on a walk or a swim, that covers three priorities at once. I could even try writing outdoors, which could be fun? (I just ordered this bug spray because our lovely yard is humming with biting insects.)

6. Why French? Carla and I are both studying French because we have a loose plan to go to France as a family in 2025. My husband and I have both been lucky enough to visit France several times apiece. We also spent our honeymoon in Paris. We love the country and we both feel fairly comfortable getting around. Right now, we are in the planning stages and we haven’t yet narrowed down where we want to go. Paris is a definite, since Carla has never been there and wants to see the Eiffel Tower. But then where should we go? My husband and I have both been to a lot of places, but there is surprisingly little overlap in where we’ve visited. Do we go somewhere one of us has already been? Do we try to stick to places neither of us have seen? I’m also kind of excited about the idea of picking a historical French subject for us to study as a family and then explore in person. Joan of Arc! Marie Antoinette! Eleanor of Aquitaine! Marie Curie! How cool would it be to read about a historical person and then see where she lived? My family is (so far) less enthused about this plan than I am. Carla has never been abroad and we are all super excited about introducing her to the joy of international travel. 

    That’s it for today, Internet. Carla’s tomato plants are calling. Thank you again for being so kind, and for caring about me. 

    If you could go to any non-Paris city in France, where would you go? Do you have any summer priorities? Do you use a planner and, if so, do you have any hot tips for a planner neophyte?