Friendship

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Five for Friday

It IS Friday, right? I am at the point in summer where I have sort of lost track of the days. I have certainly lost track of the ability to write a cohesive blog post on one topic, that’s for sure. (Did I ever really possess that ability????) So let’s do some bullet points. 

1. Sleep Regression: I have become a baby, internet, mixing up my days and my nights. I have trouble sleeping at night, so I end up napping during the day. Which makes me not sleepy at bedtime, so I stay up later than I intend to. Then I am tired the next day, so I take a nap. Lather, rinse, repeat. I am not a fan, and also I’m not really sure how to correct this??? When I try to not nap, I end up nearly falling asleep while driving, so I don’t think that’s the answer. Probably the answer is some combination of better habits and seek professional help, but I don’t feel like doing those things so I’m whining about it instead.

2. Velcro Baby: Speaking of babies, my actual baby (who is a long-limbed pre-teen) stayed home from camp this week to fight a cold. It’s one of those awful coughs, and the doctor basically said there’s nothing they can do about it at this point. Hopefully it goes away soon, I hate hearing my poor kiddo hack away in the middle of the night. It’s been a while since she’s had a sick day, and she was Velcroed to me the entire time, which I think is as good a demonstration as any that she is sick. We watched MANY movies. Having her draped all over me was both lovely – I mean, how much longer is she going to deign to sit on my lap? – and tiresome. She is heavy, now, and has many more elbows and knees than seems possible, and they are all sharp. I kept telling myself to enjoy it; I would have my body and my time back soon enough, and being able to snuggle with her is precious and limited. And yet I just wanted some personal space for the love. I am so used to her being so independent, it’s a little startling how little patience I have for dependency. It reminds me of the toddler years, and how HARD it was, to have someone touching me at all times, to have someone needing me at every second. Big kids bring along their own challenges, but mine at least has not been as physically demanding as she was a few years ago. If you are in the toddler stage, you have my sincere empathy. By the way, having an 11-year-old cough in your face is just as charming as having a three-year-old cough in your face. Some things never change. 

3. Mosquito Prevention: My legs are covered in mosquito bites right now. COVERED. I have a hideous bite on the back of my arm, too – red and angry. It’s unattractive and itchy. I haven’t had bug bites like these since the beginning of the summer. You know why? Because my husband bought this mosquito repellent device and we turn it on anytime we are outside. IT IS MAGIC. We’ve had it outside with us basically all summer, including during our two recent dinner parties and I came away with nary a bite! But then we went to our neighbors’ house for an impromptu BBQ and ended up hanging outside for about 20 minutes, and I got chewed to bits. Maybe I need to buy the neighbors their own mosquito device??? Or start carrying mine with me? 

4. Automotive Technology: Earlier this week, I found myself looking up automotive technology programs at local colleges. Is this the second career I need? Is this a(n over)reaction to too many recalls on my car? Is this a cry for help? I like cars, but I’ve never really been interested in learning how they work. My father would be delighted to help me, I’m sure. (He tried to teach me how to change my own oil back in the late 90s and… I resisted.) But I often find myself wishing I had more automotive knowledge. Mainly when the mechanic is telling me I NEED a part that costs $800. Maybe it would be kind of cool to reinvent myself as an auto mechanic. This is not going to happen, but it’s fun to think about. 

5. Shame Spiral: I am on one (1) group chat, and honestly I don’t know if a group text is the same thing as a group chat, and those two points should really Tell You Something. Anyway, I responded to a message with something that I meant to be silly and fun, and no one responded, and I have been analyzing it backwards and forwards since yesterday afternoon and feeling worse and worse and more and more sure that my (probably former) friends are not only going to cut me out of the group chat, but out of their lives completely. It wasn’t even that BAD, I don’t think; at most it was a) not funny or b) mildly insulting of someone’s relative’s food choice. But nonetheless: SHAME SPIRAL. Also, I am well aware that maybe they didn’t respond simply because it wasn’t response-worthy, or because they went out to dinner or had to deal with a sick child or sat down to watch a movie or or or. I may be a narcissist, but I am aware of it. Anyway, despite all my coping thoughts of narcissism and “people who are your friends will forgive you the occasional dumb comment,” I continue to spiral. I am the most awkward person on the planet and do not deserve friends. Probably at least some of this has to do with me submitting a short story to my critique group and being sure they are texting each other behind my back about the best way to break it to me that the story is not really a story and also sucks balls. But also I haven’t had A Friend Group since college and we didn’t text back then anyway and I don’t know how to be a person or what I’m doing trying. Fretting about how they are texting each other about how to respond to my stupid attempt at humor is what I AM doing. 

There. That’s my Friday morning for you, Internet! What’s up with you?

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An Introvert Whines (Again)

Recently I read one of those tweet round-up articles that was something like, “things millennials love to say.” One of the tweets was something like, “Millennials love to talk about what it means to be an introvert.”

To say I felt attacked…

Well, today I am going to WHINE, and possibly (knowing me) at GREAT LENGTH, about being an introvert because I AM an introvert and I am at my breaking point! I am a frayed wire! 

My volunteer event is nearing completion, and the lead up is the time when little things go awry and things arise that we didn’t anticipate. I have had ten separate phone calls in the past two days to discuss various facets of the events and two Facetime calls. I spent 205 minutes on the phone calls alone. That is more than an hour and a half on the phone! I do not like talking on the phone!

I have also had a very lovely, very friendly worker in my house for the past four days. 

This is my limit on human interaction. I have reached it.

I was already nearing my limit, what with all the houseguests (yes, they have been gone a while now, but I am still recovering). But now I am all topped up, thank you.

I am not being a good friend, I know this. I have a friend I have had to say no to multiple times over the past few weeks because I am either previously engaged (yuck) or because I just cannot bear the idea of spending even an hour with even a very dear friend. I backed out of attending a Moms Night that has been in the works for weeks. I have been ignoring phone calls from another friend. We finally chatted today while I was in the car and she wanted to plan a time to get together when things slow down.

“Let’s get drinks as soon as your event is over!” she said. 

I told her I didn’t think that would be a good idea. 

“You should just tell your family, ‘look, I’m going out!’” she told me.

My family would be fine with that (because then there would be one less person for THEM to deal with; we are all introverts), but going out with a group of friends for a fun night of drinks and talking is the last thing I want to do. The. Last. 

That kind of thing does not energize me. It does not feel like A Break. It feels overwhelming and anxiety-producing on the best of days, and if I did it now, it would have the added flavor of feeling like Just Another Thing I have to endure until I can be alone and quiet.

I want to go to a cabin in the remote wilderness BY MYSELF and sit in silence BY MYSELF for a month. That’s what I want to do. Then, maybe I will feel up to going out with one or two people. Maybe.

It seems as though I am doing NaBloPoMo this month, which is 30 blog posts in 30 days. (Will I make it??? Only time will tell.) Details at San’s blog here.