Friendship

by

Birthday Sleepover Awkwardness

Why yes I am dramatically behind in planning and/or even thinking about my child’s birthday party this year, why do you ask? 

For one thing, my husband is on call on Carla’s birthday weekend, which means we have to find a different date for the party (just… trust me. we are not doing a party on a call weekend), and I can’t figure out what that date should be. Seems like it should be obvious, or that there should be some reasonable candidates, but I am struggling. We’re up against camp and holidays and other birthday parties and vacation and no date seems workable.

For another thing, Carla has been happily discussing plans for her party for several months now, so it feels like I don’t have anything to do. When in reality, I have ALL THE THINGS to do because her saying “I want to have a water theme” doesn’t make water-themed décor magically appear in my house, nor does her making a list of kids she wants to invite equate actually inviting anyone.

Let’s start there, with the invitations, because that’s part of the delay, I think. 

Carla wants a sleepover party this year. Here’s the thing: I refuse to have more than six children in my house overnight. Why this number, I don’t know. All I know is that I can hardly deal with having one child over for a sleepover, it goes against everything in my constitution, and the thought of something like ten kids makes me hyperventilate. I know a large sleepover party is doable. One of Carla’s friends had, like, twenty girls sleep over last year. But that kid’s mom is a very different person from me, in almost every way, which instead of making “big sleepover” seem possible, makes it seem even less possible, if that makes any sense. Hell, even my own mother hosted big sleepovers with probably ten or more kids when I was in middle school. My mother was FANTASTIC at birthday parties, let me tell you.

Carla is amenable to the limit, but she would love to have a BIG PARTY with all her friends, and then have a select few stay the night after the party and I… well, I have put my foot down about this. And I’m feeling like I want to walk it back, but I also still agree with my reasons for saying no in the first place. 

This may sound like a non-sequitur, but stay with me here: We have reached an age where birthday party invite lists have begun to be… tricky. Like, I am theoretically 100% behind Carla or any child only inviting people to her birthday that she wants at her birthday. We are long past the days when you invited the entire class or – in some cases – the entire grade. And I theoretically completely understand that just because parents are friends with one another does not mean their children are also friends with one another. 

In practice, it feels so different and yucky to leave people out, especially if they are the kids of your friends. And yet: six person limit. 

My reason for not doing the big party with the smaller sleepover is related to that yucky feeling. I don’t want to leave anyone out, I don’t want anyone to feel less special or less of a friend or lesser in any way because they weren’t included in the super exclusive sleepover contingent. Carla’s argument is twofold. First, she says that other kids have big parties and then a few kids sleepover. Second, she says that she would never, ever mention to anyone that only a few kids would sleepover. My rebuttal is that kids a) aren’t great at secrets and b) can be mean and c) people always find out! 

Other people DO do this! I have picked up my kid from several birthday parties, and a couple kids remain behind to stay for a sleepover extension. This has never bothered me because I have only recently allowed Carla to sleep over anywhere. But it has bothered Carla. She always feels left out and wonders why not her. We had a good reason: she wasn’t allowed. That helped soothe the hurt feelings. Plus, she’s a very cheerful kid who gets over things pretty swiftly. But what about the other kids who may not have mean sleepover-hating moms to blame their lack of fun on, or who may be struggling with finding their crew, or whose feelings are sharper and longer lasting? 

(I have no good place to stick this point, but I want to head off any suggestions that Carla invite one or even two people over. I think I could be okay with a Big Party and one kid sleeping over after. But Carla doesn’t have a Best Friend, so that doesn’t really make sense in her situation. Plus, I think part of the allure of the Big Sleepover is the BIGNESS of it.)

We’re not doing Big Party with the Small Sleepover. We just aren’t. I mean, I suppose I could hold two events on two separate days but NO THANK YOU ONE PARTY IS ENOUGH I MEAN IT. Please, back me up here, because I can feel my resistance crumbling as I type and I know I will RUE MYSELF if I give in to the two party plan. Can a person rue herself? Even if that’s not a thing, I will.

Because I cannot and will not host two separate parties (right????? that would be dumb?????), and because I refuse to make a portion of birthday invitees feel like the B Team, I am trying to work myself up to a slightly bigger sleepover. Like… eight people??? Could I do ten? It’s always possible that we invite ten and only three show up. That would be IDEAL, honestly. But in my experience, if you plan on that kind of attrition, everyone shows up and also one kid brings her out-of-town cousin. 

Carla is not the problem here. She has narrowed her list down to five invitees, with very little pleading and negotiating. I AM THE PROBLEM. There are some kids that I would like to invite just out of… I don’t know. Mom friendship? Duty? Duty invites? That’s awful. No one wants to be at a party because the birthday girl’s MOM wants you there. I am sure the duty invitees would HATE THAT, and Carla might also hate it too, and I can see right now that if I tell her to invite A, she will ask, “If I can have an extra spot for A, why can’t I invite B instead?” which makes total sense; I refer you back to my theoretical conviction that a kid should only invite kids to her birthday party that she wants at her birthday party.  And even if I upped the guest list count to ten, there’s no guarantee that the duty invitees would make that cut, either. (Ugh ugh ugh. I need a different way to frame this than “duty invitees,” because these kids are sweet and wonderful and fun and they just aren’t in Carla’s immediate circle, that’s all there is to it.)

Listen. Pretty much no one these days is going around inviting every kid in the class/grade or even every kid of one gender in the class/grade. Carla has been invited to three birthday parties this year, that’s it. So I get it. Not everyone gets invited. That’s not how friendship works. We moms all say, “We understand.” And I know that we do. If Carla didn’t get an invitation to a specific kid’s party, I would understand. That doesn’t mean it wouldn’t sting. 

Someone’s feelings are going to get hurt. Perhaps many someones. Perhaps someone’s mom’s feelings are going to get hurt too. I don’t want to be the cause of it!

Do you see? Do you SEE why I am struggling to plan the party when I cannot figure out the guest list?????? 

Clearly I am in bit of a tizz. We’ll have to reconvene later to discuss present ideas and cake. (We have one gift for Carla: a pair of tickets to a play we think [hope] she wants to see. Nearly Twelve is exceedingly difficult to shop for!) 

Let’s look at a soft sleepy kitten to soothe the jangled nerves.

by

Seven for Saturday 

It has been a fine week, with lots of good things, and nonetheless I have been alternately crabby and weepy all week. Thank goodness for Elisabeth, who, through her F.I.G. Collective, is encouraging us to find joy in gratitude, every single day, all month long. 

Saturday, February 1: 

  • I spotted tulips for the first time this year in the grocery store and bought a bunch. Not only do they brighten up my kitchen, they remind me that spring is on its way and soon my yard will be full of blooms.
  • My parents came over so my dad could work on a school project with Carla, and my mom and I got to go for a long early evening walk. This is one of the unexpected joys of having them nearby – they can just pop over for a couple of hours! We can simply go for a walk together! We had a nice talk and moved our bodies and enjoyed the crisp February air. 
  • When we returned, Carla was hanging out with my dad while he told her stories about his childhood. Oh, my heart! 

Sunday, February 2:

  • We got caught in a snowstorm on our way home from an epic back-to-back Costco/Target spending spree, and the whole world was magical again for a few hours. I don’t love driving in inclement weather, but I love it when everything is coated in white.
  • My dad came BACK to our house for the second half of the school project. He and Carla were making chocolates as part of a request to showcase a family tradition. My dad has been making chocolates for decades, and when I was a kid, I would make them with him at Christmastime to hand out to friends. We started with rolled truffles, like the ones he and Carla made, and eventually branched out into dipped and filled truffles. It was a tradition I loved and have managed to execute once or twice with Carla. (I found a photo of the three of us dipping truffles back in 2015! Carla was so small!!!!) I love that she remembers making truffles with her grandfather and that this was the tradition she wanted to share with her classmates. 
  • Carla, her dad, and I snuggled up together to watch Groundhog Day, which was more poignant than I remember. My goodness do I love Andie MacDowell’s hair in that movie. Between Andie and Julia Roberts and Keri Russell, the 1990s were full of such amazing hair.  

Monday, February 3:

  • After the grocery store (yes, if you’re keeping count this is three days of shopping in a row), I got in a good strength training workout, which always makes me feel strong and healthy.
  • I had an online writing session with a friend! This is so inspirational and motivational to me – to set aside time with a friend explicitly for writing, to discuss our concerns and writing triumphs. I also love it because we set aside a few minutes before and after we write to gab about other things and THAT is delightful in a totally different way.
  • I had a hankering for pasta primavera, which I’ve made before with limited success. But I tried this recipe and it turned out great! I also tried a new type of pasta (I am such a sucker for variations on regular old Barilla) (which I love, don’t get me wrong) and it was just as good as “normal” pasta. 

Tuesday, February 4:

  • Even though it was quite slippery outside, I met up with a local friend for a walk. Neither of us fell, for which I am very grateful. 
  • After our writing session, I was still in a creative groove. Then, my husband texted to say he would be done with work early and offered to pick up Carla from school, which was on his way home. Yes please! That saved me a whole hour of driving and allowed me to keep writing and writing.
  • My husband and I started watching a new show, which is extremely well done.

Wednesday, February 5:

  • My husband took Carla to school AND picked her up from school! That is TWO HOURS of extra time, right off the bat. I was able to get a sweaty HIIT workout in before eight…
  • …and then my local writing friend came over for our second writing session of the week. 
  • Since I didn’t have to drive Carla to and from school, I had two extra hours in my day and ended up doing tons of laundry, vacuuming the house, going for a quick walk, AND getting a ton of writing done. Such a productive day! Then, to make up for not getting much time with my kiddo, we spent extra time reading our book before bed. We are getting so close to the end, so pretty much every page is exciting.

Thursday, February 6:

  • This morning, I met up with a friend for tea. Due to kid illnesses, call schedules, and various other obstacles, we hadn’t seen each other for a very long time and had a LOT to catch up on. We talked and talked until she accidentally looked at her watch and we realized we’d been chatting for two hours. Whoops!
  • Today was my scheduled call with another long distance writing friend. I am so lucky to have THREE people with whom I can share ideas, complain, brainstorm, and discuss the ups and downs of trying to put your story into words.
  • My husband and I met with our new accountants, and they are so awesome I kind of want to be an accountant now??? and then we picked up Carla together and spent a pleasant hour at the mall, smelling perfumes.

Friday, February 7:

  • My parents are coming over for the Super Bowl on Sunday, and I stopped in at a local gourmet food shop to pick up some snacky treats. I am VERY excited about trying them. 
  • The sun was shining, so I got in a nice long walk in the bracing cold. 
  • The tulips I bought last Saturday still look gorgeous! 

If I were to summarize what I’m grateful for – at least this week – it would be creative time, time moving my body (especially outdoors), and time with the people I love. When I look at the abundance of those things in my life, it makes a lot of the bad feelings seem very small. 

Thank you, Elisabeth, for helping me find joy and gratitude during a week that felt unaccountably bleak.

by

Six for Saturday: Frets and Shopping and Shopping Frets

I am loving the thoughtful comments about whether or not I should tattoo eyebrows on myself. THANK YOU. I have truly found My People. 

Here are six things on my mind this morning. 

School Year Frets In Session: While it seems like a lot of the country has already headed back to school – in fact, school buses appeared this week in my neighborhood like a noisy flock of migratory birds – we are still holding onto the last tatters of summer with our teeth and fingernails. It has become increasingly difficult to ignore the impending school year, though. And I am STRESSED. Middle School, y’all. 

Maybe I need to write an entire post about all the things that are freaking me out about Middle School (top of the list: MY TINY BABY IS GOING TO MIDDLE SCHOOL), but right now I am thinking mainly about the schedule aspect of it. A bunch of wonderful extracurricular activities have manifested themselves, and I am doing my very best to walk the fine line between “my kid would LOVE that” and “if she does this activity we will all go insane.” For instance, there is a local activity that she would enjoy SO MUCH, but it begins at 3:45 after school and school pickup begins at 3:10 and it takes 30 minutes to drive between school and the activity, so it would be doable but only if I got to the carline at, like, 2:30 and she got out the door immediately at 3:10 and we didn’t hit any sort of traffic or need to pee or any of the other delays we have faced in the past. So. That activity is just not going to happen this year, and I have to trust that it will be available in a more workable form at some later time, or it just isn’t Meant to Be. 

We have also signed her up for two sports this fall, which is GREAT. But the one sport is notoriously weird about assigning practice slots – like, they wait until the week of to say, “Hey, your practice day and time is X,” and then they are unable to accommodate any change requests. I learned this the hard way last year, and fortunately the coach was very kind about allowing Carla to be on the team even though she was fifteen minutes late to every single practice because she had a conflicting extracurricular. So: I am trying to wait to find out the sports schedule before I schedule her for anything else, but that’s HARD, because spots are filling up. 

I did reach out to an instrumental teacher who comes highly recommended, because I guess I thought we would have some sort of conversation about Carla’s experience with this instrument and how practices go and whether there are recitals and what practice expectations are etc. etc., but instead the teacher wanted to know Carla’s availability and I don’t know that. Whoops. I guess I should have waited to reach out????

The other sport is going great, but Carla has no set lesson time. This worked fine during the summer, because it was the only thing we had going on. But I need to KNOW. I want to have a calendar that has everything arranged very neatly IN ADVANCE. 

There is an academic extracurricular I want Carla to take as well, but I am waiting until we know the schedule for the previously mentioned activities, and ideally I would want to see how school goes for awhile first, before adding it on, but I don’t know if that’s feasible???? 

And then Carla will probably try out for the school play, but auditions take place later in the fall so I cannot worry about it now. 

I know this sounds like A Lot, but it feels a little bit more workable than last year’s extra curricular schedule. At least now, when it is half formed and entirely theoretical. I just want things SET. 

Friend Visit Fret: While I am fretting about things, I might as well fret about an upcoming visit from my dearest friend. We have known each other for THIRTY-TWO YEARS which sounds bonkers to me. Anyway, she is coming to visit and I am so excited I can think of little else. It’s quite an emotional ping-pong match in my brain right now, what with the Middle School Scaries bopping around with the more Happy Excited Anticipatory Anxiety of hosting my friend. What will we DO? What should we EAT? Would it be nice for her to meet some of my Here Friends, or would that be weird for everyone? Do I need to schedule a bunch of touristy-type activities so she can experience the city? Or should we just take relaxing walks together and then hang out by the pool? I think she is looking more for the latter, in which case I need the weather to cooperate, but it might be nice to do one or two touristy-type things, just so she can say, “Yes, of course, when I was in City I did The Thing That City Is Known For” when people ask. 

Listen. This is my best friend. She is probably still going to be my best friend even if she has a boring time here, even if she hates my cooking, even if hanging out with an intensely enthusiastic eleven-year-old drives her bonkers. I KNOW THIS. 

Here’s why I am fretting: We have never spent this much time one-on-one together! In fact, the bulk of our relationship has taken place via phone. We used to see each other regularly once or twice a year, but I haven’t seen her in two years now, and before that it had been about a decade. Will we have enough to talk about? What if she gets annoyed with me???? Or sick of me??? Despite knowing each other for a million years, we are fairly new at voicing our needs with one another, so I am a little afraid she will just agree to whatever I suggest even if it doesn’t sound good or fun to her. Also, I am a little shy about her seeing me in Mom Mode, which sounds silly even as I’m writing it, but… the shyness is still there. She’s only met Carla once, and for a very short time, and I don’t know, it just feels weird to be this whole other person than I was when we grew up together.

Also, I have asked her some questions like if there are any foods she hates/won’t eat, but my knowledge of her likes and dislikes mainly comes from high school. It’s kind of amazing how LITTLE you can know about the day-to-day life and habits of someone you love very much. 

I am EXCITED, and I trust that it will be okay. But still, underneath all the happy anticipation is a little trepidation. 

My Garden Continues to Delight: Let’s move on to LESS STRESSFUL THINGS, shall we? My garden is still producing flowers and I am loving it. The hydrangea bushes are scaling back, but we have several hydrangea trees that are in bloom and they are SO pretty. We also have an abundance of coneflowers, which are not my favorite flower, but which look quite stunning in a big bunch. The hibiscus are blooming as well, and they are ALSO not my favorite flower (and wayyyyy too big and unwieldy to cut and display in a vase), but they are pretty and a nice vivid red. Now I just need the garden to continue to look gorgeous for a little longer so my friend can enjoy it. 

Who Recommended These Shoes? Because I LOVE Them: My plantar fasciitis is pretty well controlled these days, thank goodness, and I attribute that to regular shoe-wearing in the house. Usually I wear sneakers, but I have been wanting to try out some flip flops because I hate wearing socks, and it is a pain to tie and untie my sneakers all day long. I’ve had this pair of flip flops in my amazon cart for AGES, and I am pretty sure someone told me they were amazing which is why I added them to my cart. But I only just bought them in the past few weeks, and I love them so much. If you were the one who recommended them: THANK YOU.

They are much cuter than I expected; I guess I thought because they are “orthotic” that they would automatically be clunky and ugly, and they are not. Best of all, they are SO COMFORTABLE. I am getting a second pair to wear outside of the house because I love them so much. (Also, they are $30 right now, down from $50, so if you are looking for magic flip flops, this is a good time to go for it!)

How to Eat a Cucumber: There is just no way to write this bullet point that doesn’t sound like a euphemism, but please trust that I am looking for RECIPE IDEAS. 

My husband brought home a cucumber one of his colleagues brought home from work. I am looking for creative ways to prepare this cucumber for consumption. (I don’t really like cucumbers.) I could make a big Greek salad, which I enjoy. But it is QUITE a large cucumber, and also I feel like that’s a little boring??? Maybe I should make this green goddess cucumber salad? Or this creamy cucumber salad? Or this smashed chili-soy cucumber salad? What’s your favorite cucumber recipe?

The Fall Birthday Procession Cometh: Okay I guess we’re back to fretting. ALL THE BIRTHDAYS are coming up in September and October and I am wholly unprepared and have no idea what to get anyone. My brother and his wife are typically very “no gifts, thanks” kind of people, but I would love to get them something little if possible. (They are both outdoorsy, they have a cat.) My sister-in-law and mother-in-law are always baffling, from a What to Give Them perspective. My friend who is visiting will have just had a birthday when she arrives, so I kind of want to have something here for her. (She is a runner and an avid gardener. I am thinking something garden-y? We don’t usually give each other presents, so I have no idea what she might want or need!) My husband’s birthday is also coming up! I have NO IDEA AT ALL what to give him! My mind is a complete blank. The only things that I know he has been looking at buying are a) a new external hard drive, which is a useful but way-too-boring gift, and plus I would need him to give me the exact specifications of the one he wants which would spoil whatever level of “surprise” goes along with “I got you an external hard drive for your birthday,” or b) a new travel backpack, but that again seems like something he’d really want to choose for himself. I guess it’s more exciting than a hard drive, but that’s not really saying much, is it? 

Help???? Do you have any idea, based on the Very Limited Information I have shared about all of these complete strangers to you, what should I get them???? I am so bad at gift giving, and this year I feel especially useless. 

And all these birthdays are right before CHRISTMAS, so there will need to be gifts for all of these people – and more! – again, and ugh. 

Okay, Internet. That’s all I have for you today. Shoe recommendations and flower brags and double entendres and tons of random fretting. Hope you have a glorious weekend!