awkwardness

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Friday Randomosity: Holiday Detritus Edition

It’s Friday, my house is a mess, there are wrapping paper scraps literally everywhere (LEO), I have overcommitted to Fun Things that currently feel less like fun and more like stress, so let’s get into some bullets.

* In addition to overcommitting to Fun Things, Past Me also apparently set up eight thousand appointments for the weeks leading up to Christmas. Last week was the dentist which led to yesterday’s repeat visit so I could get a filling. After several teeth extractions as a child, and a lifelong issue with getting properly numb from anesthetic, I get severe anxiety about going to the dentist. Yesterday was no exception. I hadn’t had a filling in decades, and all I could think about was getting those huge, painful shots in my mouth. Now that I am a grownup, I understand that it’s okay to TELL THE DENTIST a) that I am anxious, b) I have trouble getting numb, and c) WHEN I AM IN PAIN. Either dental practices have dramatically improved since I was a kid, or my childhood dentist was not very good (or some combination of the two), but my filling experience was as good as could be. The shots hurt, but they weren’t as unbearable as I remember, and it took the dentist maybe ten minutes to remove the cavity. The rest of my time in the chair was with the Filling Specialist. The worst part about the experience (outside of the anticipatory anxiety) was the music. They turned on some instrumental Christmas music which turned out to be an epic rendition of “Jingle Bells” that lasted the entire forty-five minutes I was in the chair. That is too much “Jingle Bells.” Way, way too much.

* Most of my holiday gift-buying is complete; my husband and I have a date this weekend to go shopping in an actual physical mall to find the final couple of items on our list. So now I am turning my attention to the monetary gifts we give out every year: sports coaches, tutors, special teachers, mail person, trash collection, hair stylist, housecleaner. But I am – as usual – dithering about amounts. The mail person and trash collectors are easy, because I just give them gift cards in the $10-$20 range. Others feel less simple. Usually, like for the hair stylist or the housecleaner, I give what amounts to double their normal fee. But this year, my daughter started seeing my hair stylist, too, so I suppose I should combine our typical appointment costs and give that? Also, for the first time ever, my hair stylist has had the same assistant working with her for the last three or four times I’ve gotten my hair cut and colored. Do I give the assistant a separate gift, or does my hair stylist give her a portion of whatever she gets? And, if the latter, do I need to bump up the gift a bit to account for whatever she distributes to others? The other thing that’s stumping me is people whose normal fees are weird numbers. Like if your normal fee is $35, then I would give you a $35 gift. But $35 seems like a weird amount for a gift, doesn’t it? Should I just round up to $50? But that’s a BIG roundup. If your normal fee is $90, somehow $100 seems like a much nicer gift than simply doing an extra $90. I am overthinking this, right? But what would you do?

* By the way, if you have a Trader Joe’s near you, mine has an assortment of cute holiday cards for ninety-nine cents apiece (a STEAL for any card, let alone a cute one). I bought a big handful of these cards to accompany the money gifts.

* Should I get bangs? This feels like a non-sequitur, but I was just thinking about my hair stylist and how last time I visited her, we briefly discussed Forehead Minimization Tactics, and she said she thinks I would look good with bangs. I haven’t had bangs since elementary school. I don’t think I could DEAL with bangs, honestly. But also, more and more lately, I have been staring at the immense freckled and beginning to crepe expanse of my forehead with despair.

* Speaking of despair, I have a Fancy Event coming up in January and I need Fancy Clothes to match. I’ve been looking at dresses for months now, refusing to try anything on, hoping that I would somehow magically shrink to fit one of the many many beautiful dresses I already own and have kept lo these many years. And now the time has come when I have to face reality and buy a new dress. Nordstrom has a bunch of dresses I’ve had in my digital shopping cart for awhile. I really like this one; it’s fancy, the fit-and-flare style typically looks okay on me, it’s not too short. I don’t love the straps, though; I feel as though my bare shoulder days are behind me. Also, it’s more than I’d like to spend on a dress I may wear ONCE. But then again, maybe if I buy a higher quality dress, it will fit me better? This one is pretty, and has sleeves. I like the color, the price is decent. It also looks itchy, and maybe too short. I love the look of this one – I swoon for a navy dress – and it also has sleeves. And it’s VERY on sale. But is the neckline too restrictive? Does it read too youthful for a middle-aged mom? I like the look of this one, and it looks elegant and very comfortable. The pattern is not exactly my typical style, and I’m worried it’s slightly too casual for an event with cocktail attire. Which one would you suggest I try? I’m toying with buying all of them, trying them on, and returning three. I’ve done that before, but it always makes me nervous.

* This is kind of a dumb, low-stakes question, but what is the protocol for food procurement when you’re meeting someone? I met a friend at a bakery the other day. I wasn’t sure when she would arrive, and she had declined my offer to get her something, so I ordered my little pastry and drink and was standing in line to pay when she got there. But then it felt awkward, like I hadn’t waited for her? Standing in the bakery without buying anything would have felt awkward, too, though. I can also imagine grabbing a table, waiting for her, then going to place our orders together, and feeling awkward about THAT. (There is something unbearable to me about paying for something for myself and NOT for the other person.) Clearly I will just feel awkward about anything and everything.

* Here’s another dumb thing I am feeling awkward about. As I mentioned, my husband and I are going to The Mall this weekend. I rarely go to malls, but I realized we will be in the proximity of several stores that have something I want very badly: a cake stand with a dome. The thing is, I put this on my Christmas wish list that my husband sends around to all his family members, so there is a chance I might be getting one for Christmas. I don’t think anyone (except perhaps one person) who takes part in this gift-list-sharing process really feels like the items are Must Buys, they are more like suggestions. Plus, we haven’t received any gifts addressed to me at all. So it’s a small chance, but it’s still a chance. But… should I take advantage of being in The Mall and just buy myself a cake stand??? This one is kind of exactly what I’d envisioned, and it’s on sale. Or this one is so simple and elegant. I like this one, too, with the marble base. I should just wait until after Christmas, right? I should just wait.

* Leo is loving Christmas. Or hating it, it’s kind of difficult to distinguish between the two. I made the mistake of bragging to Elisabeth recently that I make my own bows out of wrapping paper. I do do that; it’s fun and the results are cute, but they take FOREVER to make. And, of course, Leo thinks they are for his personal entertainment. Or he takes them as a threat to the safety of his home and targets them for immediate destruction. Hard to say. Pride goeth before the fall and all that, I guess.

All right, that’s all I’ve got this morning. I have a Fun Thing today, plus cleaning, plus at some point I still need to address and mail our holiday cards.

What’s on your mind today?

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Five for Friday

It IS Friday, right? I am at the point in summer where I have sort of lost track of the days. I have certainly lost track of the ability to write a cohesive blog post on one topic, that’s for sure. (Did I ever really possess that ability????) So let’s do some bullet points. 

1. Sleep Regression: I have become a baby, internet, mixing up my days and my nights. I have trouble sleeping at night, so I end up napping during the day. Which makes me not sleepy at bedtime, so I stay up later than I intend to. Then I am tired the next day, so I take a nap. Lather, rinse, repeat. I am not a fan, and also I’m not really sure how to correct this??? When I try to not nap, I end up nearly falling asleep while driving, so I don’t think that’s the answer. Probably the answer is some combination of better habits and seek professional help, but I don’t feel like doing those things so I’m whining about it instead.

2. Velcro Baby: Speaking of babies, my actual baby (who is a long-limbed pre-teen) stayed home from camp this week to fight a cold. It’s one of those awful coughs, and the doctor basically said there’s nothing they can do about it at this point. Hopefully it goes away soon, I hate hearing my poor kiddo hack away in the middle of the night. It’s been a while since she’s had a sick day, and she was Velcroed to me the entire time, which I think is as good a demonstration as any that she is sick. We watched MANY movies. Having her draped all over me was both lovely – I mean, how much longer is she going to deign to sit on my lap? – and tiresome. She is heavy, now, and has many more elbows and knees than seems possible, and they are all sharp. I kept telling myself to enjoy it; I would have my body and my time back soon enough, and being able to snuggle with her is precious and limited. And yet I just wanted some personal space for the love. I am so used to her being so independent, it’s a little startling how little patience I have for dependency. It reminds me of the toddler years, and how HARD it was, to have someone touching me at all times, to have someone needing me at every second. Big kids bring along their own challenges, but mine at least has not been as physically demanding as she was a few years ago. If you are in the toddler stage, you have my sincere empathy. By the way, having an 11-year-old cough in your face is just as charming as having a three-year-old cough in your face. Some things never change. 

3. Mosquito Prevention: My legs are covered in mosquito bites right now. COVERED. I have a hideous bite on the back of my arm, too – red and angry. It’s unattractive and itchy. I haven’t had bug bites like these since the beginning of the summer. You know why? Because my husband bought this mosquito repellent device and we turn it on anytime we are outside. IT IS MAGIC. We’ve had it outside with us basically all summer, including during our two recent dinner parties and I came away with nary a bite! But then we went to our neighbors’ house for an impromptu BBQ and ended up hanging outside for about 20 minutes, and I got chewed to bits. Maybe I need to buy the neighbors their own mosquito device??? Or start carrying mine with me? 

4. Automotive Technology: Earlier this week, I found myself looking up automotive technology programs at local colleges. Is this the second career I need? Is this a(n over)reaction to too many recalls on my car? Is this a cry for help? I like cars, but I’ve never really been interested in learning how they work. My father would be delighted to help me, I’m sure. (He tried to teach me how to change my own oil back in the late 90s and… I resisted.) But I often find myself wishing I had more automotive knowledge. Mainly when the mechanic is telling me I NEED a part that costs $800. Maybe it would be kind of cool to reinvent myself as an auto mechanic. This is not going to happen, but it’s fun to think about. 

5. Shame Spiral: I am on one (1) group chat, and honestly I don’t know if a group text is the same thing as a group chat, and those two points should really Tell You Something. Anyway, I responded to a message with something that I meant to be silly and fun, and no one responded, and I have been analyzing it backwards and forwards since yesterday afternoon and feeling worse and worse and more and more sure that my (probably former) friends are not only going to cut me out of the group chat, but out of their lives completely. It wasn’t even that BAD, I don’t think; at most it was a) not funny or b) mildly insulting of someone’s relative’s food choice. But nonetheless: SHAME SPIRAL. Also, I am well aware that maybe they didn’t respond simply because it wasn’t response-worthy, or because they went out to dinner or had to deal with a sick child or sat down to watch a movie or or or. I may be a narcissist, but I am aware of it. Anyway, despite all my coping thoughts of narcissism and “people who are your friends will forgive you the occasional dumb comment,” I continue to spiral. I am the most awkward person on the planet and do not deserve friends. Probably at least some of this has to do with me submitting a short story to my critique group and being sure they are texting each other behind my back about the best way to break it to me that the story is not really a story and also sucks balls. But also I haven’t had A Friend Group since college and we didn’t text back then anyway and I don’t know how to be a person or what I’m doing trying. Fretting about how they are texting each other about how to respond to my stupid attempt at humor is what I AM doing. 

There. That’s my Friday morning for you, Internet! What’s up with you?

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Saturday Superlatives: Thanksgiving Edition

For my outside-the-US friends, is your country’s celebration as food-focused as US Thanksgiving seems to be? I feel like it seems lower-key in Canada, and much more relaxing. Then again, maybe I’m one of the few who find Thanksgiving stressful. (I seem to find a way to make everything stressful.) 

If you celebrated this week, how was your Thanksgiving? Are you sick of leftovers yet? While I could happily eat a bowl of mashed potatoes and gravy for breakfast until Christmas, I avoid all other Thanksgiving foods until next Thanksgiving. Turkey is something I eat one day a year. My husband is a big fan of leftovers though. This year he has even vowed to make the infamous turkey tetrazzini that people swear by for transforming leftover turkey into something new and fabulous. 

This was a week of highs and lows, emotionally. But it was also overall a nice, low-key week. As the Holiday Table staffer at Whole Foods said when I told her we were down to three from seven people, “Nice! No stress!” And then quickly and ruefully added, “Well, there are pros and cons to all things.” 

Here are some of the superlative moments from this Thanksgiving week.

Worst Moment: When we had to tell Carla that her beloved cousin was no longer coming for Thanksgiving. She sobbed and sobbed. Hopefully we will find another time to get the families together. 

Sweetest Moment: Carla and I sat on the couch one day and watched movies together. Then after dinner we watched Jeopardy! together and she held my hand the whole time. All the heart eyes. 

Most Uncomfortable Moment: I think I mentioned previously that our real estate agent gave us a free apple pie as a thank-you for using them when we bought (and sold) our house. Carla and I were doing Thanksgiving prep work at the house when my husband texted me to remember the pie. So we dashed out to pick it up from the realtor’s office. I was wearing leggings and a sweatshirt under my winter coat (outdoor leggings, of course; not my bedtime leggings) and Carla was wearing a flannel shirt and shorts. Why yes it was only 40 degrees outside but PYB, people, PYB. It was pouring rain and we wore masks even though we’d both tested negative, just in case. I expected to run in, grab the pie, and run out, but no. There was a PARTY being held at the office. People in dressy casual clothing, milling about with drinks. A long table set with drinks and pastries. A special room set aside for children. A fire in the fireplace. My realtor was wearing slacks and a nice sweater. I was in leggings and a mask, dripping wet, my hair plastered to my makeup free face. Once again, Carla was wearing shorts. All I wanted was to get my pie and escape. But my sweet realtor wanted to chat about the house and our Thanksgiving plans. OMG. It was so horrifically awkward. Nearly as bad as those dreams where you go to school naked or you show up for your wedding without your dress. Also… I feel like this is probably rude of me to even ask, but do my realtor’s clients… enjoy parties like this??? Our orthodontist throws a party every year, too, and… it’s nice to do something festive for your clients, but… I don’t know any other orthodontia clients? And it’s not like a bunch of my friends and I all bought houses together. Are people who buy homes in the same year expected to form a club together? Maybe we’re supposed to be schmoozing about lawncare companies and the best place to buy lamps… but I just can’t imagine doing that on purpose. Is this what it’s like to be an extrovert? You just… go to parties purely to socialize with strangers? 

Most You-Win-Some,-You-Lose-Some Moment: The kind people at Whole Foods were so understanding about our change in holiday plans. They refunded me the cost of the green beans and asparagus. While I was standing in line at the Holiday Table waiting to “check in,” with shoppers pushing past us on both sides, and Carla asking if she could please buy a watermelon and what about the chocolate Advent calendar or maybe could she go look for some hot dogs? and what about buns, she really wants to try buns with her hot dog this time, I noticed a display of Ramona Ruby Grapefruit Wine Spritz. I glanced at the label which I thought said $8.99, which seems like a reasonable enough price for four bottles. (My husband and I had Ramona this summer and loved it, and I haven’t seen it anywhere before.) We checked out and it turns out that each four pack is $18.49. OMG. I mean, yes, you could buy a bottle of wine for $18.49 and probably wouldn’t bat an eye (although I am more of a $10-a-bottle kind of gal), but. OMG. Good thing we saved all that money on green beans and asparagus so I could turn around and spend it on booze. (It really is delicious. But still.)

Most You-Really-Should-Be-A-More-Careful-Reader,-Suzanne Moment: Turns out that every single box of Covid tests in our house was expired. And, while several of them had expiration dates that had been extended to nowish, I thought it would be prudent to get some new unexpired-in-any-way ones. I looked up my options at the local Target. The top results cost $35! That seemed like a lot, when I was used to getting them free (I just ordered the latest batch of free ones). I scrolled down a bit in the results and spotted a pack of four tests for $12.99. Much better. Carla and I put on masks and drove to Target for their drive-up service. It wasn’t until I got home that I realized I’d purchased drug testing kits. SIGH. 

Funnest and Funniest Moment: This year, Carla helped me with a ton of the Thanksgiving food preparation. She made the cranberry sauce pretty much independently, cut all the cornbread and French bread for the dressing, and helped chop mire poix for the various things that required mire poix. Most helpful was when she helped me deal with the turkey. I am very squeamish about touching raw meat and have used a variety of kitchen tools in past years to prevent me from touching the turkey. This year, I just powered through and touched it with my bare hands. *Shudder.* But one thing I will not do is touch any part of the turkey’s innards, and that’s where Carla came in. Like a champ, she removed the neck and giblets from the turkey cavities with kitchen tongs, while we both squealed in disgust. It was the most fun I’ve ever had dealing with raw meat. (Less fun for her, because I made her wash her hands about 80 times and then gave her a mini lecture about salmonella as I sprayed down the counter with antibacterial spray.)

Favorite Blog Comments: While I adore every comment you leave, sometimes they feel like they’re just for me, you know? Which is fabulous. Other times, they are full of GOLD that I want everyone to read. It was an utter delight to read everyone’s take on pets and pet names. But I think the GOLD this week is in the comments of this post. If you haven’t added your own thoughts, I would love it if you took the time to add your own thoughts about blogs and blogging. And if you haven’t scrolled through to find new bloggers to follow, please check it out. 

That’s it from me, Internet. Now I need to go scour my house clean after having my (ravenous and less-than-tidy) child home with me for eight days straight and prepare (again) for my delayed houseguests. 

Any stand-out moments for you this week?

I am kinda sorta attempting to complete NaBloPoMo, with the full expectation that life will make it impossible any day now. If you want to follow along, or join the fun, check out San’s blog here.