parenting angst

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Friday Randomosity: Distraction by Shopping and Cat Edition

I love you and appreciate you. Thank you for being here.

Here are some random thoughts cluttering up my brain this morning.

  • One of the things I most frequently say to Carla is, “Tools only help if you use them.” Well, lately I have been having a hell of a time following my own advice. I’ve been consistently waking up at about 5:30 these days, which is working for a lot of reasons (and is really working for the cat). But for some reason, this shift has caused me to repeatedly forget to take my morning medication. My medication has always been on my nightstand, and my husband is often still asleep when I creep out of the room, and I don’t want to risk waking him up by rattling a bunch of pills. Obviously, just because I have always kept my medicine on my nightstand doesn’t mean I need to continue doing so! I could move them into the bathroom, or into my office, or the kitchen. Or! I could use the pill organizer I already own – and have neglected since my summer visit to my parents’ house – and have my morning medications all ready to go in the same tiny compartment. The tool is RIGHT THERE. Why is it so difficult for me to PUT IT TO USE?
It really is a useful little fella.
  • Speaking of getting up early: I have a plan for getting up earlier. My plan is to continue waking up at the same time I do now even once the clocks change. The cat refuses to adhere to human constructs like Daylight Savings, so I know he will help me by continuing to come into my room to apply his purr-and-bite wake-up system directly to my person. This way, I will soon be waking up at 4:30, and then, MAYBE, I will be able to exercise and shower before I start my day. 
  • By the way, every time my actual alarm goes off at 5:21 and I hit snooze so I can play Wordle and Connections on my phone and cuddle my purring kitten, I think of Sarah and how she referred to this behavior as “bed rot.” The term is amusing enough (I visualize myself slowly rotting like an old zucchini) that it does not spur me out of bed immediately at 5:21, although it is visceral enough that I no longer stay in bed after my snooze alarm sounds at 5:30. Thank you, Sarah, for the motivating morning visual.  
  • My eyes have been doing this thing where they suddenly sting and start streaming tears and I can’t see properly for a long time. The phenomenon has happened maybe ten times in the past couple of years (and definitely started pre-kitten, so there is no need to blame Lenny, not that you would), but it started happening more frequently in August and September. It seems to strike out of nowhere, sometimes in the morning, sometimes later in the day. I haven’t identified any specific trigger. I do all the things: take out my contacts, remove any makeup I’m wearing, flush my eyes with water. A few times, I’ve had to lie on my back with a damp washcloth on my eyes. I reported this issue to the eye doctor who suggested eye drops for dry eyes, so I use those as a preventive measure. But it occurred to me recently that maybe I’m allergic to my mascara? I love drugstore mascaras, like Maybelline The Falsies and L’Oreal Voluminous False Fiber Lashes. In fact, I purchased a tube of Maybelline Lash Sensational Firework mascara in early September. It seemed that I mostly had these weird reactions when I was wearing mascara; maybe I was allergic to it? So I took myself to Google and read a bunch of articles about the best mascara for sensitive eyes and ended up buying this one. Yes, it is $28 (even on amazon), which is FAR more than I typically prefer to spend on my mascara. But oh how I love it! It makes my lashes nice and long. It doesn’t seem to clump. My eyes haven’t had a single reaction in the weeks I’ve been using it. And, best of all, it comes off my lashes without having to use paint thinner. I suppose it’s still early days, and my eyes could decide to revolt against this mascara… or perhaps there is something totally unrelated to mascara that is causing the stinging/tearing issue. But right now, I am in LOVE with this mascara.
  • Speaking of things I love lately, I am really into this guacasalsa from Trader Joe’s. It’s possible I’ve mentioned this before, but I forgot about it for awhile. It’s really good – slightly tangy, slightly creamy, neither guacamole nor (very mild) salsa. I love it on chicken tacos but it is good on nachos, too.
Can you spot the cat in this photo? He is obsessed with the fridge and freezer and will scamper into the kitchen any time we open them.
  • Back to discussing makeup. I have never been a person who wears foundation. I don’t like it. But it seems like maybe foundation – or other products with similar benefits to foundation – has improved since I last wore it, which was at my senior prom in 1999. What I want is something that goes on and feels like a moisturizer but has some sort of blurring/smoothing effect as to even out my skin and hide my undereye circles. What I don’t want is something that makes me skin a different color than my neck, or something that looks cakey or flaky, or something that emphasizes my wrinkles by cracking around my mouth or eyes. Does this magical product exist? Bonus points if it works with sensitive skin (my skin is prone to break outs if cosmetics even glance my way). I think I am looking for a tinted serum, but… that’s as far as I’ve gotten. What do you use?
  • Older kids are amazing part 324: Carla did all the Halloween decorating this year! I am so pleased with how it turned out. All I had to do was bring the box of Halloween decorations upstairs and she took care of the rest. Are things arranged the exact way I would have arranged them? Nope. Do I care? Not one bit. (Update: Lenny / Leo has decided the decorations don’t scare him.)
Cat and pumpkin have achieved an uneasy peace… for now.
  • Colorful leaves are not the only view I enjoy about fall. Right now, I am loving the Halloween decorations I see as I drive. While I know it’s not for everyone, Halloween is such a delightful time of year for me. I’m not even really into it the way a lot of people are, but it’s a season of pure joy (and chills) that has no expectations besides sharing a bit of candy. I love everything – the super scary scenes, the animatronic ghosts and ghouls, the yards that have a million zombies, the roving orange spotlights on people’s houses, the arrangements of pumpkin and squash, the giant skeletons, the inflatable spiders. My only question is where do people KEEP their Halloween decorations during the off season? All of my decorations (except for one stand-up ghost) fit into a single plastic bin and I love that. Some yards showcase so many skeletons and zombies, I wonder if the owners have a separate storage space just for their decorations.
These guys are going through some things.
  • It’s been super rainy this week, as befits the latter half of October. I do hope we get some warm, dry weather for Halloween. For the first time ever, Carla will be trick-or-treating at a friend’s house instead of at our house. Wait. No, for the second time ever. (We went to a friend’s house when Carla was in… pre-K? I can’t quite remember.) Even though I think Carla and her friends are kind of at that borderline age for trick-or-treating (which is not to say I oppose anyone of any age trick-or-treating) so I hope this year is spectacular for them. My kiddo has gone around and around about her costume. Originally she wanted to be one of the characters from KPop Demon Hunters, which is a phenomenon I still find baffling, but whatever, you do you, teens. Then she was waffling between Wednesday or Enid from Wednesday. She went with the latter, which seems to be a good choice; I’ve heard that KPop Demon Hunters is such a popular costume that people are having trouble finding it. And I am NOT a Make Your Own Costume person. I mean, I would support Carla in making her own costume, but I don’t sew and I’m not creative about sourcing inexpensive ways to put a costume together. Which is to say that we bought a costume online. Carla was eager to dye her hair, and I was not, so the costume element I am most excited about is a pack of colorful hair extensions. When I bought them, they were $6.99 – I price I gladly paid to prevent Carla from using hair chalk, which I loathe. Now I just have to figure out how to install (?) them in her hair so they look good! 
The kitten is FURIOUS that *I* am outside and *he* is inside.
  • What are you doing for winter outerwear these days? It was in the mid 40s (8.3 C) and raining when I went for a walk yesterday. I had to wear a heavier jacket than usual and I discovered that it is NOT waterproof. Don’t get me wrong – I adore my jacket, it’s cute, it’s comfortable, it’s lightweight, it’s super warm. And it’s not like it claims to be waterproof. It’s “water repellant.” But apparently it repels water only for so long, and then the rain soaks through into your arms. The cooler temperatures reminded me, though, that Carla needs a new winter coat this year. She’d been wearing a hand-me-down from a friend for the past two years, but now her wrists extend far beyond the sleeves so it’s time to get something new. Ugh. She also needs new snow pants and snow boots. In the past, I got her winter outerwear from Lands End – the snowpants were waterproof and had reinforced knees and I always bought them in a larger size so they would last two years. But she no longer fits in kid sizes. Wait a second – Lands End actually has sizes up to 15-16 years. AND they have a slim line. Maybe I have answered my own question! Boots though. Those are always trickier. I have SUCH a hard time buying expensive footwear when I know it’s only going to last a year. I wish I had Elisabeth’s thrifting eye, but I don’t; thrifting makes me feel overwhelmed and uncomfortable, and it’s not like I even know of any good local thrift shops. Which snow boots do you wear and/or buy for your kids?
  • Let’s talk about something that’s unrelated to spending money! Carla has a parent / teacher conference coming up and, as usual, I am anxious about it. Her school doesn’t do conferences with individual teachers, although I assume I could set some up if I wanted to. Instead, we meet with a teacher who sees her for something like homeroom. Fortunately, this homeroom teacher is also Carla’s instructor for a core class, so at least I can get some in-depth understanding of how she’s doing in one key subject. I never feel prepared or satisfied for conferences. The teachers usually have a prepared list of things they go through, and then answer questions. But we only have thirty minutes together, and a homeroom teacher can only address so many things about a class she doesn’t teach. Carla is having a tough year on several different fronts, so I really want to understand how I can support her at home, but I don’t know the right questions to ask or how to find a balance between support system and helicopter mom. The whole thing stresses me out. Parenting is IMPOSSIBLE. It is so hard to see your child struggle and not be able to step in and fix everything. Ah, okay, now I understand why I just want to write about frivolous shopping needs. Much less stressful.
  • It’s Friday and I still have yet to make a single phone call on my list. The anxiety of making the phone call is a big part of the battle, but the other half is the knowledge that one phone call rarely resolves anything. As Birchie said when I first moaned about not wanting to make any of these calls, “Up to the point where I make the call, it’s just one item on my to-do list. Once I make the call the task expands to 10 items.” PREACH. And yet I do need to make these stupid calls. One of them should be fairly simple: scheduling our flu and Covid shots. Carla’s pediatrician will provide shots to parents, too, which is fabulous. I am going to make this call today. I am. Ugh. I should probably also schedule our furnace check-up. That should be a pretty easy one. The others can wait until next week / never. Are there any phone calls you are delaying? 
  • Have you “inherited” any weirdly specific things from your parents? The other night, I was writing down the word “believe” for Carla (for some reason I could not remember how to spell it without looking at it; my brain is SO fuzzy these days), and then I caught sight of it the next morning and thought for a moment that my mom had written it. Somehow, she and I have very similar handwriting. How? Is handwriting a genetic trait?
I didn’t say my handwriting was *legible.*

Okay, that’s all I’ve got for now. What random things are rattling around in your mind today?

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Birthday Sleepover Awkwardness

Why yes I am dramatically behind in planning and/or even thinking about my child’s birthday party this year, why do you ask? 

For one thing, my husband is on call on Carla’s birthday weekend, which means we have to find a different date for the party (just… trust me. we are not doing a party on a call weekend), and I can’t figure out what that date should be. Seems like it should be obvious, or that there should be some reasonable candidates, but I am struggling. We’re up against camp and holidays and other birthday parties and vacation and no date seems workable.

For another thing, Carla has been happily discussing plans for her party for several months now, so it feels like I don’t have anything to do. When in reality, I have ALL THE THINGS to do because her saying “I want to have a water theme” doesn’t make water-themed décor magically appear in my house, nor does her making a list of kids she wants to invite equate actually inviting anyone.

Let’s start there, with the invitations, because that’s part of the delay, I think. 

Carla wants a sleepover party this year. Here’s the thing: I refuse to have more than six children in my house overnight. Why this number, I don’t know. All I know is that I can hardly deal with having one child over for a sleepover, it goes against everything in my constitution, and the thought of something like ten kids makes me hyperventilate. I know a large sleepover party is doable. One of Carla’s friends had, like, twenty girls sleep over last year. But that kid’s mom is a very different person from me, in almost every way, which instead of making “big sleepover” seem possible, makes it seem even less possible, if that makes any sense. Hell, even my own mother hosted big sleepovers with probably ten or more kids when I was in middle school. My mother was FANTASTIC at birthday parties, let me tell you.

Carla is amenable to the limit, but she would love to have a BIG PARTY with all her friends, and then have a select few stay the night after the party and I… well, I have put my foot down about this. And I’m feeling like I want to walk it back, but I also still agree with my reasons for saying no in the first place. 

This may sound like a non-sequitur, but stay with me here: We have reached an age where birthday party invite lists have begun to be… tricky. Like, I am theoretically 100% behind Carla or any child only inviting people to her birthday that she wants at her birthday. We are long past the days when you invited the entire class or – in some cases – the entire grade. And I theoretically completely understand that just because parents are friends with one another does not mean their children are also friends with one another. 

In practice, it feels so different and yucky to leave people out, especially if they are the kids of your friends. And yet: six person limit. 

My reason for not doing the big party with the smaller sleepover is related to that yucky feeling. I don’t want to leave anyone out, I don’t want anyone to feel less special or less of a friend or lesser in any way because they weren’t included in the super exclusive sleepover contingent. Carla’s argument is twofold. First, she says that other kids have big parties and then a few kids sleepover. Second, she says that she would never, ever mention to anyone that only a few kids would sleepover. My rebuttal is that kids a) aren’t great at secrets and b) can be mean and c) people always find out! 

Other people DO do this! I have picked up my kid from several birthday parties, and a couple kids remain behind to stay for a sleepover extension. This has never bothered me because I have only recently allowed Carla to sleep over anywhere. But it has bothered Carla. She always feels left out and wonders why not her. We had a good reason: she wasn’t allowed. That helped soothe the hurt feelings. Plus, she’s a very cheerful kid who gets over things pretty swiftly. But what about the other kids who may not have mean sleepover-hating moms to blame their lack of fun on, or who may be struggling with finding their crew, or whose feelings are sharper and longer lasting? 

(I have no good place to stick this point, but I want to head off any suggestions that Carla invite one or even two people over. I think I could be okay with a Big Party and one kid sleeping over after. But Carla doesn’t have a Best Friend, so that doesn’t really make sense in her situation. Plus, I think part of the allure of the Big Sleepover is the BIGNESS of it.)

We’re not doing Big Party with the Small Sleepover. We just aren’t. I mean, I suppose I could hold two events on two separate days but NO THANK YOU ONE PARTY IS ENOUGH I MEAN IT. Please, back me up here, because I can feel my resistance crumbling as I type and I know I will RUE MYSELF if I give in to the two party plan. Can a person rue herself? Even if that’s not a thing, I will.

Because I cannot and will not host two separate parties (right????? that would be dumb?????), and because I refuse to make a portion of birthday invitees feel like the B Team, I am trying to work myself up to a slightly bigger sleepover. Like… eight people??? Could I do ten? It’s always possible that we invite ten and only three show up. That would be IDEAL, honestly. But in my experience, if you plan on that kind of attrition, everyone shows up and also one kid brings her out-of-town cousin. 

Carla is not the problem here. She has narrowed her list down to five invitees, with very little pleading and negotiating. I AM THE PROBLEM. There are some kids that I would like to invite just out of… I don’t know. Mom friendship? Duty? Duty invites? That’s awful. No one wants to be at a party because the birthday girl’s MOM wants you there. I am sure the duty invitees would HATE THAT, and Carla might also hate it too, and I can see right now that if I tell her to invite A, she will ask, “If I can have an extra spot for A, why can’t I invite B instead?” which makes total sense; I refer you back to my theoretical conviction that a kid should only invite kids to her birthday party that she wants at her birthday party.  And even if I upped the guest list count to ten, there’s no guarantee that the duty invitees would make that cut, either. (Ugh ugh ugh. I need a different way to frame this than “duty invitees,” because these kids are sweet and wonderful and fun and they just aren’t in Carla’s immediate circle, that’s all there is to it.)

Listen. Pretty much no one these days is going around inviting every kid in the class/grade or even every kid of one gender in the class/grade. Carla has been invited to three birthday parties this year, that’s it. So I get it. Not everyone gets invited. That’s not how friendship works. We moms all say, “We understand.” And I know that we do. If Carla didn’t get an invitation to a specific kid’s party, I would understand. That doesn’t mean it wouldn’t sting. 

Someone’s feelings are going to get hurt. Perhaps many someones. Perhaps someone’s mom’s feelings are going to get hurt too. I don’t want to be the cause of it!

Do you see? Do you SEE why I am struggling to plan the party when I cannot figure out the guest list?????? 

Clearly I am in bit of a tizz. We’ll have to reconvene later to discuss present ideas and cake. (We have one gift for Carla: a pair of tickets to a play we think [hope] she wants to see. Nearly Twelve is exceedingly difficult to shop for!) 

Let’s look at a soft sleepy kitten to soothe the jangled nerves.

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Nothing Says Valentine’s Day Like Shopping for New Hair Dryers

It has been an extremely challenging parenting week around here. Let me be clear: Carla is a fantastic kid and I love her with all my heart and feel so lucky to be her mom. And also, a lot of the time, I feel completely unfit to parent her. Yes, yes, I know – we’ve got the bases of food, shelter, and love covered, so we’re already ahead of the game. But I spend a lot of time, especially when things are tricky, feeling like I am doing her a grave disservice by being her primary source of guidance. (My husband is a wonderful father to whom parenting seems to come much more naturally/with less anxiety; he is just, by nature of his job, not with her as often as I am. And, much as I’d LOVE to, I can’t simply direct my child to wait for her father to come home to be parented, you know?) (Or CAN I?????)

My husband, after I’d leaked tears all over him immediately upon his arrival home from work yesterday, said kindly that he thinks every parent feels this way. I am pretty sure some of us (cough cough me) are simply inept. Developmentally appropriate challenges or not, I feel like I am flailing around without any idea how to help my kid.

Anyway, I am going to distract myself by turning to a problem I CAN solve, maybe, which is that I need a new hair dryer. 

My now-dead hair dryer was this medieval torture-looking device by Drybar  and I really liked it. It made my hair smoother and less frizzy than the standard Conair I use as a backup. I could operate it one-handed, which left my other hand free to turn the pages in my book or choose invariably wrong answers in my daily French lesson. I also think it tamed my wavy hair much better than a regular hair dryer, which always seems to leave a few ripples near the crown of my head. In fact, on days when my hair was being particularly accommodating, I didn’t even need to use a straightener.

When I bought it, I had never spent more than $50 on a hair dryer, and it seemed so ridiculously expensive. But now that I am considering a new hair dryer, I see that it is quite reasonable. In terms of pricey hair dryers, of course. I could just use AIR, which is FREE.

A very good friend of mine – and a person with what I consider to possess the platonic ideal hair – said that this combo straightener/dryer, while spendy, is worth every penny because it dries and straightens simultaneously, no need for a separate straightening device. I mean, if it would transform my hair into hers, I would buy it in a heartbeat. Like, a horrified, “am I really spending this much money on a hair dryer” arrhythmic heartbeat, but still. However, I suspect that no hair implement could ever perform that magic. Her hair is supernaturally beautiful.

If I’m going for brand name, there is the slightly less-expensive Dyson… but I have no idea what superpowers it claims and I feel too exhausted by, you know, everything, to look into it.

Drybar also has a straightening hair dryer, MUCH more reasonably priced than the Dyson.

Or maybe I just need a good ol’ Revlon dryer/brush combo for $37.

Of course, I could go in the complete other direction and get this $720 beauty that Sarah has heard great things about. 

What are you using to dry your hair?