Yet Again Overthinking My Kid’s Birthday Party

“I don’t think we need a theme this year, do we?”

So mused my husband, when he and I were discussing plans for our daughter’s thirteenth birthday party. This is one of those times when I wonder if he’s ever met me. Do we know each other? Of course we need a theme. I love a theme. A theme is a balm to my control enthusiast soul. I have no power over whether people attend a party, or like the food, or enjoy themselves, but I can fucking well ensure that the décor et al revolves around a central motif.

I think I’ve already told you that my daughter expressed enthusiasm for a 90s theme. Which I suggested because her party will involve two of the nineties-est things I can think of: roller skating and a slumber party.

(Yes, yes, I know. Once again, despite my many, many qualms about sleepovers, I have caved to my daughter’s desire for a slumber party. I have no justification for this behavior.)

My recompense is that I get to lean fully into the 90s theme.

Ambiance

I think we will go super simple with the décor, and get a complete set of party supplies. Maybe do some little 90s-themed hanging swirls.

Carla is working on a 90s playlist. I am impressed by her existing repertoire of 90s music! She already knows songs from the Spice Girls, No Doubt, The Offspring, Smash Mouth, and Alanis Morissette, and there are so many fun songs we can add to the mix.

Party Favors

Kids of Carla’s age may be, I suspect, Over It when it comes to gift bags. My preference has usually been to get a single item that we give away to each partygoer – like a book or an anklet or a beach towel. I think there’s a higher chance they will use those things, while a bunch of cheap plastic stuff will end up in the garbage or cluttering up the kids’ houses (and annoying their parents).

This year, I have allowed nostalgia to override my better judgement. Carla found these delightfully tacky boombox favor boxes, and we are going to fill them with an assortment of things I remember fondly from my childhood: mini troll dolls, Koosh balls, jelly bracelets, Warheads, and ring pops.  Carla also wanted to include these key rings, and why not.

My husband suggested getting every kid a Beanie Baby, which is a super fun idea. I let that plan fizzle when I realized I would have to get everyone the exact same Beanie Baby, or figure out which specific variety of Beanie Baby to get and instantly felt overwhelmed. Plus, the ones being sold today are different from the ones we had in the 90s… and I didn’t want to deal with finding “authentic/vintage” versions.

Food

Dinner will be pizza. Carla has requested lemon meringues, with cupcakes for people who don’t like meringues. (I found these darling on-theme cupcake wrappers and toppers.)

I do think that we’ll need some additional food. Listen. I could 100% buy a few bags of chips and some candy and popcorn and let the kids have at it. Probably that is what I will do.

But my let’s-make-things-more-complicated heart wants to – you guessed it – make things more complicated. This mainly derives from my feeling that cheese pizza is not an adequate dinner for a growing child. Did I eat cheese pizza at many a birthday party, let alone for many Friday night dinners, as a kid? Oh yes, so many times. Do I have any qualms whatsoever when my kid goes to a birthday party and the dinner is pizza? Not at all. Is the only reason I can’t say the same for many, many meals as an adult ONLY because I no longer eat plain cheese pizza and prefer pizza to include pepperoni? Very much yes.

Still. Allow me to fantasize about my ideal slumber party menu, okay? And we’ll agree that this won’t happen in real life, and I will lean in to the chips and popcorn thing.

My (fantasy) criteria are: 1) is something Carla likes, 2) includes protein, 3) probably won’t stain my couch/carpet, 4) is cute and/or fun, 5) is nut and dairy free.

Here are the things that fit those criteria:

If I didn’t feel quite as bad about over-sugaring the kids / wasn’t worried about ruining my furniture/house / had attendees who could all eat dairy, I would totally do a hot chocolate bar and some s’mores dip and maybe some sheet pan nachos.

We will also be feeding these teens breakfast. Breakfast is not my area of expertise, so my vote is for donuts. Why, yes, that does directly contradict all my high-and-mighty posturing about “cheese pizza not being good enough.” So perhaps we should make sheet pan pancakes and some scrambled eggs with a side of fruit instead.

Entertainment

While I am still thinking wistfully about the idea of a Taskmaster party, I have resigned myself to reserving that for a future date. After all, the kids will get to roller skate and then (hopefully, weather permitting) swim, and they can always watch movies. Nonetheless, I am of course stressing about how to keep these teens entertained while in my home. I would love to have a few ideas in my pocket, just in case they get bored. I think we can all agree: bored teens pose a danger to themselves and others.

Carla specifically wants to play a game called either “pass the parcel” or “saran ball game.” My understanding of this game is that we choose a variety of tiny prizes (lip balms, stickers, scrunchies, candy) and wrap each prize in a bunch of saran wrap. Then each kid has a set amount of time to free a prize without ripping the saran wrap before passing the parcel to the next kid. The big challenge, I think, will be choosing prizes that are simultaneously fun enough to keep the kids occupied, silly enough that someone who doesn’t get a prize doesn’t feel too upset, and inexpensive enough that I don’t need to resort to selling feet pictures to pay for the party. In the “pass the parcel” version of this game, or so Carla informs me, there is a Big Prize in the very center of the layers of wrapping; she does not want that, because it feels unfair. But it also seems as though there’s no guarantee that a person will get a prize during their turn anyway, so I’m not sure how “fair” the game is. In any case, it might be fun to have a couple of slightly higher-end prizes in the sticker/scrunchie mix – perhaps a World’s Smallest Care Bear or Slinky??? Or maybe a gift card to an ice cream shop or Five Below?

I also think that having a photo scavenger hunt could be potentially fun. (This is a leftover from my Taskmaster fantasizing.)  But maybe that can be a spur-of-the-moment option that I can offer if the kids are bored by everything else. Don’t worry; I will overthink it into oblivion just in case.

As I mentioned earlier, movies are a great, classic option for keeping the kids busy, too. I do tend to fret about WHICH movies they will want to watch. Carla’s friends occupy both ends of the “I’ve seen everything up and including Squid Games” and “I still mainly watch Disney movies” spectrum, so I feel a little uneasy about leaving the choice to them. Carla and I had a little chat about it, and she thinks that she can guide the options a bit, so that no one is going to be forced into watching, like, Midsommar or, I don’t know, Eyes Wide Shut.

Since I am, as stated, obsessed with a theme, I of course would vote for 90s classics. Clueless and Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead and Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. Of course, most of the 90s classics I think of as fun and harmless have aged poorly, I’m looking at you Austin Powers.

Here is the point at which you kindly, gently overlook my latest birthday party related bout of insanity, and instead tell me:

  • What are the best slumber party foods?
  • Which 90s songs MUST go on the playlist?
  • Which 90s movies MUST the teens watch?
  • What are the best slumber party games?
  • What am I forgetting, besides the undeniable fact that the teens will do whatever they want and I really have no say at all?

Seven for Saturday

If you need a little extra joy in your life, and/or a little help finding it in your day-to-day, Elisabeth is leading a daily practice of gratitude with her F.I.G. Collective this month. Sometimes, when friends or loved ones have said something along the lines of, “Buck up! You have so much to be grateful for!” or “Count your blessings!”, I’ve felt like doubling down on whatever bad mood has overcome me. Gratitude isn’t something you can force on others, or on yourself. So if you AREN’T into feeling grateful, there is no pressure from me (or from Elisabeth, honestly!). But I will say that reading about everyone else’s bright spots – from getting a bunch of green lights in a row to blogger meet ups to delicious dinners and birthday celebrations – has infused my days with some extra cheer. 

Anyway, it was so fun and bolstering to read everyone’s FIGs last week that I started this past week determined to capture as many moments of joy and gratitude as possible. I even made a list LAST SATURDAY with the idea that I would return daily to fill in all the wonderful moments as they happened. 

Well. I filled out Saturday’s list of things to be grateful for and then… forgot about FIGs until just now. This past week has been rough. It was a BUSY week, the kind of week I abhor, with lots of unpleasant commitments and appointments one right after another. And then, as I mentioned, it’s been tough from a parenting perspective, too. All that is to say that I’ve had to scrape down to the very bottom to find FIGs for the past week, and a lot of them involve food.

Saturday, February 8:

  • Perfect Balance: Today was the perfect balance of lounging around and getting stuff done. I got in a good writing session, I spent time with my husband and kid, I moved my body, I got to sit on the couch and read, I did a load of laundry, and I made a delicious homemade dinner.
  • Fabulous Flurries: I am not ready for winter to end quite yet, and we got a little skiff of snow today!
  • Cutest Kiddo: Carla was extra delightful and cheery. I could hear her talking to some sitcom she was watching on her iPad, saying, “Come on! Tell her! Tell her you love her!” 
  • Delicious Dishes: We made Birchie-Recommended chicken bowls with cilantro pesto, and they were so yummy. We also made mini flourless chocolate cakes for our Super Bowl “party” tomorrow with my parents.
These were not as good as I’d hoped, but still fun to make (and eat).

Sunday, February 9:

  • Super Snacks: My parents brought over an incredibly tasty appetizer for our Super Bowl “party”: thin-sliced beef tenderloin and Brie on top of sliced baguette, topped with red pepper jelly. I cannot stomach beef this rare, but my dad kindly “overcooked” part of the beef tenderloin just for me. Not pictured because I ate it all. 
  • Satisfying Showdown: I like football and it’s fun to root for a team whose success or failure has no effect on my/my husband’s mood. 
  • Family Togetherness: Spending time with my parents is really so wonderful. I love being able to relax and hang out with them.
  • Writing Win: Even though I thought I wouldn’t have time to write on a day when I was having people over, I managed to write 1700 words in my manuscript. 
The veggies were excellent too. I love me some crudite.

Monday, February 10:

  • Words on the Page: Managed to write nearly 2000 words today, let’s not focus on the fact that only 200 of them were part of my primary manuscript.
  • Boots on the Ground: Or, rather, sneakers on the treadmill. I did not get outside today due to excess ice, but I did plod away on the treadmill while typing. (I don’t see how I only walked 2.28 miles when the treadmill was set to 3 mph, but whatever, who’s counting.)

Tuesday, February 11:

  • Done and Done: This was a Work Day, with a three-hour meeting in the morning and an afternoon spent following up on tasks assigned in that meeting. I usually drag out the tasks for a few days, but today I tackled them all at once and Got ‘Er Done. Very satisfying and now I don’t have to think about it.
  • Treading Along: As you can see, I am really, really digging to find anything positive about this day, but I DID manage to do an hour plus on the treadmill (while completing the aforementioned tasks on my laptop). I was walking at 3 mpg, as per usual, although my watch disagreed. That’s okay because I KNOW THE TRUTH. 
Our orange wall makes me happy.

Wednesday, February 12:

  • Connection and Culture: My parents and I went to an art museum together! It was so fun to be with them and explore fascinating artworks. 
  • Ladies (and Dad) Who Lunch: After our arts-and-culture morning, my parents took me out to lunch. I don’t go out to lunch during the school week very often, and it always feels like the pinnacle of decadence. Then we ran into one of my friends at the end of our meal, which was also fun!
I adore Cubism. Perhaps that’s why my photos are always askew.

Thursday, February 13:

  • Sheet Pan Shawarma: This meal was literally the only good thing about today. 
  • Outdoor Time: Okay, I am putting this short outdoor walk here because I am glad I did it, even though a) I wasn’t planning on walking, but I mixed up Carla’s school pickup time and ended up having an extra 1.5 hours on my hands which is not enough time for me to drive home and do anything, and b) the wind was fierce and frigid, and c) the walking path was icy and I slipped and nearly fell multiple times. It wasn’t enjoyable or pretty, but I still spent time moving my body in nature dammit.
  • Phone a Friend: Okay, this is what happens when you work backwards from “this was the only good thing about today”: you find OTHER good things. (Thank you, Elisabeth, for making me feel obliged to find something, anything, to be thankful for.) Anyway, I had an extra hour in the car today (medication shortage, and the only pharmacy that had the medication was a 30-minute drive away from both my house and Carla’s school) and my best friend, whom I’d texted because I was crying in the doctor’s office parking lot – NOTHING IS WRONG, I SWEAR, IT WAS JUST A BAD DAY – and was embarrassed and the way I deal with embarrassment, as evidenced by this here blog, is to share it with a loved one in hopes they will commiserate or reassure or at the very least love me anyway, I have lost track of the punctuation in this sentence so let’s begin again: My best friend intuited that I was in the car and called me and made both my drive and my day much better (if temporarily).  
  • Co-Parenting Comfort: As I mentioned previously, I blubbered all over my husband about my bad day – which, I guiltily recognize, did not involve telling anyone they have cancer – and he was kind, and held me, and told me we would get through it, and made a plan with me to figure out a solution. 
Yummy yummy roasted veggies. And chicken, I did add some chicken tenders to the mix and they didn’t ruin anything.

Friday, February 14:

  • Taco Victory: I Frankensteined a recipe for beef birria tacos based on a bunch of recipes online and they were delicious. The consommé was extraordinarily flavorful and complex and spicy and rich. *Guy Fieri voice* I could eat that on a flip flop. 
  • Cheesecake Success: I made mini cheesecakes (but with gingersnaps for the crust instead of cardboard I mean graham crackers) and they were perfect in every way. 
  • Writing Loophole: I discovered that, even though I have written a measly THREE DAYS this week, instead of daily like I am committed to failing at doing, I have still managed to meet my goal of 800 words per day so far this month.
  • Kind Comments: Your comments on my parenting angst slash blowdryer dilemma were so lovely and warm and bolstering. Thank you.
Not too shabby for only having written half the days this month. Not that I should continue along in this vein of not writing every day omg.

A very ups-and-downs week. But there WERE ups, and I am grateful to Elisabeth for inspiring me to find those high points among the general preponderance of lows. 

Treat Foods & How to Cook an Artichoke

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A couple of you (hi Lee! hi Kate!) have requested  that I share how to cook an artichoke and I am happy to comply because it means eating another artichoke! Woo!

When I was a kid, artichokes were a Treat Food. You have these, right? Something that your parents would make or buy very occasionally, usually for some special circumstance. And because of the rare, special nature of these foods, they became, perhaps forever, a Treat.

It’s funny to think back on the Treat Foods of my childhood:

  • “Real” Coca Cola: This was something that we only got when we were home sick. It was usually served warm and flat, to settle the stomach. (Is any of this even based in any sort of physiological reality? Who knows!) For a long time after I was living on my own, I’d order Coke at a restaurant because of that special thrill it gave me, of having something normally forbidden.
  • “Real” Sprite/7Up: With exception of the aforementioned Sick Days Coke, my parents didn’t keep full-sugar soda on hand. So on the very rare occasions I got to go out to dinner, I’d order a Shirley Temple. Oh man, was that a special treat! Sugar swirled with sugar topped with sugar disguised as a fruit! YUM.
  • Lobster Tail: I mean, even NOW that I am a grown-up who can buy Coke and artichokes any damn time she wants to, lobster tails remain very oooh-la-la. Once in a blue moon, my parents would order lobster tails from Omaha Steaks or one of those other mail order companies and we’d have them for dinner. My mom prepared lobster tails for my junior prom — and we even got to eat them in the Fancy Dining Room! — which made the evening even more special.
  • Cracklin’ Oat Bran: As a kid, the only cereals my parents would buy on the regular were Rice Krispies or Shredded Wheat – and we’re talking the big hay bale type of Shredded Wheat, not Frosted Mini Wheats. Once in a while, they’d bend the rules and buy a treasured box of Frosted Flakes or Kix. Mayyyybe some Corn Pops. Oh, how I longed for all the sugary, kid-friendly cereals advertised on Saturday morning in between episodes of DuckTales  and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles  (heroes in a half shell, turtle power) (why is it that I can completely forget to take Carla to her weekly ballet lesson, but I have the entire lyrics of this cartoon theme song firmly locked into my brain?). Cocoa Puffs, Trix, Cap’n Crunch, Lucky Charms, From Loops, Cookie Crisp, Golden Grahams — they all sounded so decadent and magical! But no. Those cereals were not permitted in our home. Instead, to prevent us from growing bored of Rice Krispies and Shredded Wheat — though I can assure you the boredom was instantaneous — sometimes my parents would buy a box of Grape-Nuts or Raisin Bran. (I’d rather choke down a pillow of dry Shredded Wheat than eat a raisin.) However, possibly because the name makes it sound much more respectable than it is, they would occasionally be persuaded to buy a box of Cracklin’ Oat Bran. Which is DELICIOUS. I bought a box for Carla the other day and told her it tasted like cookies. Which is 100% true.
  • Crab Rangoon: I totally get why these were a Treat Food: they are SUPER hard to make. My mother would make her own – make the filling, fill the wonton wrappers, fry them in oil on the back porch — and we’d have them on very special occasions. She would even make a plum sauce to dip them in. Oh man were they tasty. Whenever I see them on the menu somewhere, I order them because they are still so reminiscent of Special Times.

Anyway. Artichokes were on the list of Treat Foods, too. My mom would steam them and then serve them with tiny cups of butter for dipping. They seemed daunting, when I was a kid. Finding them was tricky. In our rural northern town, they weren’t available very often. And when they were, I imagine they cost a pretty penny. Plus, after you ate all the delicious leaves, you had to deal with the choke. YUCK. I was so disturbed by the choke that I never ate the heart – which, it turns out, is the BEST PART. Well. I know better now.

Living in a Major City now, in a day and setting where you can get anything at anytime, it is much easier to get my hand on artichokes. And I’ve discovered a very easy way to make them. And they are DELICIOUS.

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I will tell you that they aren’t quick. Prepping them takes maybe… five minutes. But you have to cook them for 30 minutes, so they require planning ahead.

Here’s how you do it.

Preheat your oven to 400 degrees F. Prepare a large cookie sheet with foil or a Silpat or whatever.

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Trim your artichoke stem. You can absolutely eat the stem of the artichoke, although it can get pretty tough after cooking so long. So I like to cut it to about an inch or so in length. (Stem not pictured above.)

Wash your artichoke. I use a veggie spray that may or may not do anything, but it makes me FEEL like I’m cleaning my veggies more thoroughly than with plain old water.

Veggie spray

(I used to use a different kind of veggie spray, which is cheaper on Amazon and gets better reviews, but I can’t find it anymore at my local grocery store. And I like how the Rebel Green seems like actual soap. Which I acknowledge may be a turnoff for others.)

Trim your artichoke leaves. Some websites say to cut the top quarter or so of your artichoke off, and you can definitely do that. Or you can use kitchen shears and snip off the sharp end of every leaf. Or you can come to my grocery store where someone does it for you.

Cut your artichoke in half vertically.  You’ll need a nice big knife for this.

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Remove the choke. The choke is the fuzzy part in the middle. I use a big spoon to scoop it out, and then I rinse the artichoke to get any bits of fuzz out. It’s okay if you throw away some of the inner leaves, too – they are hard to eat because they are so small. The heart of your artichoke will discolor almost immediately once you remove the choke. I’ve tried rubbing it briskly with a cut lemon, but that doesn’t really help. And you’re going to roast it so it will turn nice and brown anyway.

 

Use a pastry brush to apply olive oil to your artichoke. I use about a tablespoon, and add it to all sides. Then sprinkle both sides liberally with coarse salt and freshly ground pepper. You can squeeze a lemon into the inside of your artichoke too, if you please. Or even nestle a slice of lemon inside the empty space where the choke was, but it’s totally up to you; it doesn’t make a huge difference, taste-wise.

Put your artichoke halves on your prepared cookie sheet, cut side down. Roast for 30 minutes. You’ll know that your artichoke is done when you can pull one of the outer leaves and it comes off easily. (Choose a leaf from the bottom third of your artichoke, but not one closest to the stem. They don’t pull off easily, and the artichoke will be hot, and you’ll burn your fingers and also incorrectly assume the artichoke isn’t done cooking.)

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While your artichoke is cooking, make a dipping sauce. I like lemon juice plus melted butter (1 Tbsp melted butter, zest and juice of half a lemon), or lemon juice plus Greek yogurt (2 Tbsp plain Greek yogurt, zest and juice of half lemon or more to taste). I usually add salt and minced garlic to both sauces, and sometimes paprika to the yogurt. A chipotle yogurt mixture would also be delicious.

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You eat an artichoke in a Leaves First fashion, scraping your teeth against the bottom part of the leaf to remove the meat. As you get deeper into the artichoke, the leaves have more meat until sometimes you’re eating half to three-quarters of the leaf itself.

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The heart is the best part. In the picture, I am eating it with a knife and fork like a proper human. In reality, I often leave the heart in one piece and dunk it in the sauce with my bare hands. Decadent!

Enjoy!