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Saturday Randomosity: Distracting the Brain from Dream Grief Edition

I did my at-home sleep study last night, and had a terrible night of sleep (not surprising). The last straw was a horrible vivid nightmare about someone I love dying. I think I squeaked in at least six hours in bed, if not six hours of sleep, so I called it quits. Now I’m trying to banish the dream-grief with mundane things like de-scaling my tea kettle and washing sheets.  

Why do some dreams linger? The last dream that lingered was a nightmare about someone I see on a regular basis. He – let’s see; how much do you need to know about how disturbing my psyche is? – attacked me in the dream, and then, upon waking, I had to see him randomly out in the world while the feelings of the dream clung to me and to him. It was not pleasant. Poor guy! He is by all appearances a kind, friendly, hard-working person who would never dream of attacking anyone, except maybe the weeds in his garden. And yet now I feel all weird about him, as though my mind has secret perceptive powers. Yes,  yes, Gavin de Becker would probably tell me that I am indeed perceiving something real about his character (either that, or I am giving my own anxiety too much power), but I really think in this case IT WAS ONLY A DREAM.

Let us swiftly change subjects!

I was telling you the other day that I did buy the anti-cellulite cream and had started using it. I am going to continue using it. And I am also here to tell you that you should never, EVER apply it directly after taking a shower. The instructions say this: “You may start to feel a warming sensation, that’s totally normal! If you’re not into the tingle, we recommend waiting at least 20 minutes after a shower before applying. Use twice a day for best results.” I read the instructions, and found the wording peculiar. But I waited twenty minutes after showering to apply it the first few times, and then applied it a second time in the morning well before showering. But then. The other day I just… forgot, I guess? My husband and I had a date night planned, and I was doing all my normal getting-ready things, showering, doing my hair, etc. I slapped on some of this cream instead of my good ol’ Eucerin. This was the fieriest it has ever felt. And we were on a date! I was so uncomfortable! It wasn’t painful, just… deeply, deeply uncomfortable. I was wearing a dress and anytime my thighs touched, the heat intensified. I will not be doing that again.

It’s got to be working, right? I hope you are enjoying my play-by-play of this experience. I am nothing if not ever-hopeful when it comes to cellulite magic.

You know what I would like to magic into being? My kid’s summer schedule. I finally sat down with some calendar pages and plotted out all the camps that she’s expressed interest in, and there are a few overlaps but mostly I think she can do everything she wants to do. One of our neighbors has also asked if Carla will be available to do some dog walking this summer, which of course Carla is delighted to do. And then there will presumably be A Cat to play with, too.

I am fully on board with Carla having a relaxed, pet- and pool-centric summer. That sounds fabulous, and I am happy to limit the driving I need to do. But I do need her to do SOME THINGS. Maybe not every day, but probably most days, for a couple of hours. Otherwise, the battle over screen time is going to ruin our relationship. I wonder if I could simply BAN SCREENS during the day? Would that be doing myself a disservice? I just know that if I set a limit, that it will gradually erode. I’m not tough enough or disciplined enough to stick to, say, two hours a day, and Carla can smell weakness and will exploit it. (This is not a dig at her, it is purely about my own shortcomings, I hope you understand.) But then again, if I ban her from screens, and then am sitting around typing away at my own screen – which I need to do in order to achieve my own goals – I feel like that’s a massive double standard? I can already hear the relentless arguments about how unfair it is. No. Better to whisk her away to camp for some period of time each day so that I feel less terrible about the inevitable screen time taking place the rest of the time.

(I feel like I have to include the caveat that different kids are different, and can handle screen time differently, and that my kid’s needs are specific to her and don’t reflect on you or your kids at all. And also that my parenting strategy, lackluster as it may be, does in fact involve some modicum of boundary-holding; I just recognize my own limits and the value of picking battles.)

Oh – I finally, after dithering about it for eons, and being terribly afraid I will offend someone, have added a blog roll to my site. If your blog is not listed, please know that this is purely user error, to be blamed on me and my current unworkable hodgepodge method of following blogs, which uses a combination of Feedly, bookmarks in various browsers, and the power of memory which we all know is subpar at best. If your blog is not featured, it has NOTHING to do with YOU. I want to read your blog, I want to list it in my blogroll, so please let me know if it is not there and I will add it. I promise to comment as erratically as I post.

The other thing on my mind today is my niece, who is turning TEN. Even though Carla is not quite two years older, I am at a loss for what the ten-year-old set is into these days. NOT makeup; my father-in-law noted that my niece is overrun with Ulta and Sephora gift cards, and hasn’t really found a use for them. She used to like robots, and this looks pretty cool. She likes math; would a math game be a good birthday present? (I would not like a math game for myself.) A Pokémon gift bag might be cool, if she is still into Pokémon. Although wait – shipping starts at $175? Never mind. Clearly, I do not know my niece as well as I wish I did, so I am drawing a blank. Any ideas????

Okay, that’s all I’ve got this morning, Internet! Hope your Saturday is off to a great start!

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Seven for Saturday

If you need a little extra joy in your life, and/or a little help finding it in your day-to-day, Elisabeth is leading a daily practice of gratitude with her F.I.G. Collective this month. Sometimes, when friends or loved ones have said something along the lines of, “Buck up! You have so much to be grateful for!” or “Count your blessings!”, I’ve felt like doubling down on whatever bad mood has overcome me. Gratitude isn’t something you can force on others, or on yourself. So if you AREN’T into feeling grateful, there is no pressure from me (or from Elisabeth, honestly!). But I will say that reading about everyone else’s bright spots – from getting a bunch of green lights in a row to blogger meet ups to delicious dinners and birthday celebrations – has infused my days with some extra cheer. 

Anyway, it was so fun and bolstering to read everyone’s FIGs last week that I started this past week determined to capture as many moments of joy and gratitude as possible. I even made a list LAST SATURDAY with the idea that I would return daily to fill in all the wonderful moments as they happened. 

Well. I filled out Saturday’s list of things to be grateful for and then… forgot about FIGs until just now. This past week has been rough. It was a BUSY week, the kind of week I abhor, with lots of unpleasant commitments and appointments one right after another. And then, as I mentioned, it’s been tough from a parenting perspective, too. All that is to say that I’ve had to scrape down to the very bottom to find FIGs for the past week, and a lot of them involve food.

Saturday, February 8:

  • Perfect Balance: Today was the perfect balance of lounging around and getting stuff done. I got in a good writing session, I spent time with my husband and kid, I moved my body, I got to sit on the couch and read, I did a load of laundry, and I made a delicious homemade dinner.
  • Fabulous Flurries: I am not ready for winter to end quite yet, and we got a little skiff of snow today!
  • Cutest Kiddo: Carla was extra delightful and cheery. I could hear her talking to some sitcom she was watching on her iPad, saying, “Come on! Tell her! Tell her you love her!” 
  • Delicious Dishes: We made Birchie-Recommended chicken bowls with cilantro pesto, and they were so yummy. We also made mini flourless chocolate cakes for our Super Bowl “party” tomorrow with my parents.
These were not as good as I’d hoped, but still fun to make (and eat).

Sunday, February 9:

  • Super Snacks: My parents brought over an incredibly tasty appetizer for our Super Bowl “party”: thin-sliced beef tenderloin and Brie on top of sliced baguette, topped with red pepper jelly. I cannot stomach beef this rare, but my dad kindly “overcooked” part of the beef tenderloin just for me. Not pictured because I ate it all. 
  • Satisfying Showdown: I like football and it’s fun to root for a team whose success or failure has no effect on my/my husband’s mood. 
  • Family Togetherness: Spending time with my parents is really so wonderful. I love being able to relax and hang out with them.
  • Writing Win: Even though I thought I wouldn’t have time to write on a day when I was having people over, I managed to write 1700 words in my manuscript. 
The veggies were excellent too. I love me some crudite.

Monday, February 10:

  • Words on the Page: Managed to write nearly 2000 words today, let’s not focus on the fact that only 200 of them were part of my primary manuscript.
  • Boots on the Ground: Or, rather, sneakers on the treadmill. I did not get outside today due to excess ice, but I did plod away on the treadmill while typing. (I don’t see how I only walked 2.28 miles when the treadmill was set to 3 mph, but whatever, who’s counting.)

Tuesday, February 11:

  • Done and Done: This was a Work Day, with a three-hour meeting in the morning and an afternoon spent following up on tasks assigned in that meeting. I usually drag out the tasks for a few days, but today I tackled them all at once and Got ‘Er Done. Very satisfying and now I don’t have to think about it.
  • Treading Along: As you can see, I am really, really digging to find anything positive about this day, but I DID manage to do an hour plus on the treadmill (while completing the aforementioned tasks on my laptop). I was walking at 3 mpg, as per usual, although my watch disagreed. That’s okay because I KNOW THE TRUTH. 
Our orange wall makes me happy.

Wednesday, February 12:

  • Connection and Culture: My parents and I went to an art museum together! It was so fun to be with them and explore fascinating artworks. 
  • Ladies (and Dad) Who Lunch: After our arts-and-culture morning, my parents took me out to lunch. I don’t go out to lunch during the school week very often, and it always feels like the pinnacle of decadence. Then we ran into one of my friends at the end of our meal, which was also fun!
I adore Cubism. Perhaps that’s why my photos are always askew.

Thursday, February 13:

  • Sheet Pan Shawarma: This meal was literally the only good thing about today. 
  • Outdoor Time: Okay, I am putting this short outdoor walk here because I am glad I did it, even though a) I wasn’t planning on walking, but I mixed up Carla’s school pickup time and ended up having an extra 1.5 hours on my hands which is not enough time for me to drive home and do anything, and b) the wind was fierce and frigid, and c) the walking path was icy and I slipped and nearly fell multiple times. It wasn’t enjoyable or pretty, but I still spent time moving my body in nature dammit.
  • Phone a Friend: Okay, this is what happens when you work backwards from “this was the only good thing about today”: you find OTHER good things. (Thank you, Elisabeth, for making me feel obliged to find something, anything, to be thankful for.) Anyway, I had an extra hour in the car today (medication shortage, and the only pharmacy that had the medication was a 30-minute drive away from both my house and Carla’s school) and my best friend, whom I’d texted because I was crying in the doctor’s office parking lot – NOTHING IS WRONG, I SWEAR, IT WAS JUST A BAD DAY – and was embarrassed and the way I deal with embarrassment, as evidenced by this here blog, is to share it with a loved one in hopes they will commiserate or reassure or at the very least love me anyway, I have lost track of the punctuation in this sentence so let’s begin again: My best friend intuited that I was in the car and called me and made both my drive and my day much better (if temporarily).  
  • Co-Parenting Comfort: As I mentioned previously, I blubbered all over my husband about my bad day – which, I guiltily recognize, did not involve telling anyone they have cancer – and he was kind, and held me, and told me we would get through it, and made a plan with me to figure out a solution. 
Yummy yummy roasted veggies. And chicken, I did add some chicken tenders to the mix and they didn’t ruin anything.

Friday, February 14:

  • Taco Victory: I Frankensteined a recipe for beef birria tacos based on a bunch of recipes online and they were delicious. The consommé was extraordinarily flavorful and complex and spicy and rich. *Guy Fieri voice* I could eat that on a flip flop. 
  • Cheesecake Success: I made mini cheesecakes (but with gingersnaps for the crust instead of cardboard I mean graham crackers) and they were perfect in every way. 
  • Writing Loophole: I discovered that, even though I have written a measly THREE DAYS this week, instead of daily like I am committed to failing at doing, I have still managed to meet my goal of 800 words per day so far this month.
  • Kind Comments: Your comments on my parenting angst slash blowdryer dilemma were so lovely and warm and bolstering. Thank you.
Not too shabby for only having written half the days this month. Not that I should continue along in this vein of not writing every day omg.

A very ups-and-downs week. But there WERE ups, and I am grateful to Elisabeth for inspiring me to find those high points among the general preponderance of lows. 

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Post Christmas Cookie Swap + Baking Giveaway

Hello my dear internet! I hope you had a lovely Christmas and/or start to Hanukkah and/or that you Made It Through. (I have been thinking about those of my friends who have lost spouses or parents this year, those who may be struggling with complicated family or health issues, and those who are still grieving many-years-ago losses, and how grief at the holidays feels particularly bleak and awful. I know you are making it through the best way you can and I hope there are brighter days ahead.)

Drastic tone switch.

I am just stuffed-enough full of holiday food that I think it’s the perfect timing for my much-delayed Cookie Swap post. I am able to admire and appreciate all the cookies, and bookmark all the posts and recipes, without feeling the need to IMMEDIATELY LEAP TO THE KITCHEN. Although I do still have a significant amount of butter leftover… Hmm….

Thank you to everyone who sent me scrumptious photos. Let me know if I have misattributed anything or linked to something incorrectly and I will fix it tout de suite.

Cookie Plates

For a variety of Reasons, I ended up making my cookie plates in the wee hours of the morning this past Monday. Carla and I delivered them later that afternoon. Five cookie varieties made it onto the plates:

Here is my assessment of the final products:

  • Chai Sugar Cookies with Eggnog Glaze: I have made these before and the cookies are wonderfully soft and pleasingly spiced. In years past, the eggnog glaze has been more like an eggnog clump, so I added more eggnog this year until it was truly glazy. But, in True Glaze Form, it then leaked off the cookies, so it’s not a cookie you can glaze at the last minute; you need ample time for the glaze to dry/harden. Delicious, though.
  • Chocolate Snickerdoodles: This is an old favorite, and Carla requests these often. I love them, too. But my husband thinks they are kind of a niche cookie. He took a big plate of assorted cookies to work and the chocolate snickerdoodles were the last cookies standing. I think they are chewy and delicious, with a wonderful mix of chocolate and that little bitter bite of cream of tartar that makes snickerdoodles so surprising and different.
  • Basque Cheesecake Bars: This was a new-to-me recipe, and the bars turned out to be delicious. You should know right away that I used gingersnaps as the base instead of graham crackers. (Actually, I didn’t have enough gingersnaps, so I added in a sleeve of graham crackers, too – about a 2-to-1 gingersnap-to-graham cracker ratio, which was delicious.) This recipe was simple but also a little scary to execute, because you have to let the cheesecake develop this richly caramelized top and it looks (and smells) burnt. The end product was so yummy. The recipe produced a staggering amount of cheesecake; we have so much left. (FYI, a cheesecake bar or two makes for a very festive breakfast.)
  • Cranberry Lemon Bars: This was a new-to-me recipe and I would like to try it again, but it wasn’t my favorite. I loved the twin bright flavors of lemon and cranberry, and I loved how easy it was to “make” the lemon “curd.” But the cookie layer seemed a little greasy to me and I felt like it was too tender and not cookie-y enough. These are also difficult to cut in a way that makes them look nice on a cookie plate. EDITED TO ADD: After a couple of days in the fridge, these are much better than I originally thought.
  • Mint Swirl Sugar Cookies: This was a new-to-me recipe and it worked, I think, but was also VERY LABOR INTENSIVE. Rolling all the little balls and shaping the cookies was very time consuming and I don’t know that they were pretty and swirly enough to make it worth the effort. Nice peppermint flavor, though. I didn’t have any red food coloring so I used green. I also found that the cookies as directed were much too large for my cookie plates, so I halved all the little balls. This means I have approximately ten thousand remaining cookie balls, un-swirled, that I will probably end up tossing.

Cookie Problems

The main issue I had this year (besides too much time making cookies that wouldn’t ever make it on the cookie plates) was that my cookies were all so flat. They tasted good, but I like a thick cookie. I did some googling and think that maybe my problem was overcreaming the butter and sugar. For some reason, I thought the more creaming the better… but apparently there’s a point at which you deplete the butter/sugar mixture of air and this can result in flat cookies.

But THEN Jen (HI JEN!), who bore the brunt of all my cookie woes via text, noted that she had also suffered from Flat Cookie Syndrome this year, and suggested it was an issue with the butter itself. Apparently butter manufacturers are increasing the ratio of water in their butter and that can result in flat cookies. Argh!

Cookie-Related Giveaway

Y’all, I took part in three major cookie operations this year. The first was at my house, with Carla, her friend, and my friend. The second was an impromptu get together at the neighbors’ house where a friend and I rolled, cut, and baked approximately nine billion sugar cookies and gingerbread cookies for eleven children to decorate. The third was my private middle-of-the-night cookie session during which I baked until the wee hours in blissful, uninterrupted silence while everyone was sleeping.

The first two cookie events were centered around cookie decorating, and required rolling pins. The rolling pin I used was a hand-me-down from my husband’s late grandmother, the kind with a big cylindrical barrel in the center and two handles on the sides. It’s fine, but pretty utilitarian. I don’t think I’ve ever considered that there might be rolling pin variations, or that a rolling pin could be aesthetically pleasing in addition to being a useful baking tool.

But then, my friend arrived at my house for the first cookie venture with an unexpected and delightful gift for me: a new rolling pin!

I had never once considered wanting a rolling pin, and I was nonetheless DELIGHTED by the rolling pin she brought me!!! It was so beautiful! And French. Oooh la la! So now I have MY OWN ROLLING PIN in addition to the inherited one!

This is all to say that I want to spread the rolling pin joy.

If you are interested in having your very own French rolling pin, tell me in the comments and I will randomly draw someone’s name at… some point. (Let’s be honest, I am not great at Making Firm Commitments these days, so it might be a while.) And then I will send the winner their very own French rolling pin!

You do not have to have participated in this cookie swap to participate. Nor do you have to like cookies or bake cookies. Rolling pins are good for many other baking projects besides cookies and I do not judge.

AT LONG LAST, THE COOKIE SWAP!!!!

It was so delightful to get photos of delicious-looking baked goods in my email! Here is everyone who participated (and if I didn’t include you, it is PURELY USER ERROR and has nothing to do with you or your cookies, so please resend and I will add to this post) and a couple who I forcibly included. Once again, if I have messed anything up, please do not hesitate to email me at lifeofadoctorswife (at) gmail and I will happily make any updates you desire.

  • Elisabeth at The Optimistic Musings of a Pessimist baked the following, and added some notes on her experience with each:
    • Peanut Brittle Bars. Relatively easy, so addictive!
    • Saltine Toffee – This was the one item my teenage daughter insisted I make this Christmas. You can make the recipe with or without the peanut butter! This year I made some with the peanut butter layer (my personal favourite) and added crushed Saltines on top to differentiate from the more traditional “Christmas Crack” that skips the peanut butter step.
    • Peanut Butter Balls. I never follow a recipe exactly – I just take tiny tastes along the way until it has the right texture. Mostly that’s because once I start eating the dough, I can’t stop. Instead of dunking them in chocolate, I flash freeze them for about half an hour and top with a little spoonful of melted chocolate. Much less work than dipping!
    • Brown Sugar Fudge. This is my 10-year-old’s favourite Christmas treat. It is SWEET, but very delicious and smooth, unlike some brown sugar fudge which tends to be grainy. This year, I spread the recipe into a 9×13 pan so it was relatively thin and cut the fudge into fun Christmas shapes before it had completely set. Any of the remaining scraps I rolled into little fudge balls since the fudge was still slightly warm and pliable.
    • Fall Chocolate Chip Spiced Cookie. These are the only actual “cookies” I have made this holiday season. I have frozen dough so I can pop a few in the oven on an as-needed basis. I think I’m going to be needing them a lot. Goodness, these are fast becoming my favourite cookies and it’s all thanks to you, Suzanne!
  • Ernie from No Small Feet produced Christmas Cookies and Rocky Road Fudge Bars.
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  • Gigi from Gigi Rambles whipped up some Peanut Butter Fudge, Almond Bark, Gingersnaps, Peanut Butter Cookies, and Chocolate Chip Cookies for her cookie plate.
  • Steph from All for the Love of You, her wife Beth, and their culinarily talented younger child North filled cookie plates with Buckeyes, Pizzelles, Pinwheels, and Gingerbread. (North also made almond butter chocolate chip cookies and an apple crumb cheesecake!)
  • Jen texted me photos of the beautiful sugar cookies she decorated with her kids.  

It was SO MUCH FUN to see what everyone made, and to have the extra little joy of thinking about my blog friends while I was baking. Thank you so much for “swapping” cookies with me! And don’t forget to enter the rolling pin giveaway if it suits your fancy.