Why yes I am dramatically behind in planning and/or even thinking about my child’s birthday party this year, why do you ask?
For one thing, my husband is on call on Carla’s birthday weekend, which means we have to find a different date for the party (just… trust me. we are not doing a party on a call weekend), and I can’t figure out what that date should be. Seems like it should be obvious, or that there should be some reasonable candidates, but I am struggling. We’re up against camp and holidays and other birthday parties and vacation and no date seems workable.
For another thing, Carla has been happily discussing plans for her party for several months now, so it feels like I don’t have anything to do. When in reality, I have ALL THE THINGS to do because her saying “I want to have a water theme” doesn’t make water-themed décor magically appear in my house, nor does her making a list of kids she wants to invite equate actually inviting anyone.
Let’s start there, with the invitations, because that’s part of the delay, I think.
Carla wants a sleepover party this year. Here’s the thing: I refuse to have more than six children in my house overnight. Why this number, I don’t know. All I know is that I can hardly deal with having one child over for a sleepover, it goes against everything in my constitution, and the thought of something like ten kids makes me hyperventilate. I know a large sleepover party is doable. One of Carla’s friends had, like, twenty girls sleep over last year. But that kid’s mom is a very different person from me, in almost every way, which instead of making “big sleepover” seem possible, makes it seem even less possible, if that makes any sense. Hell, even my own mother hosted big sleepovers with probably ten or more kids when I was in middle school. My mother was FANTASTIC at birthday parties, let me tell you.
Carla is amenable to the limit, but she would love to have a BIG PARTY with all her friends, and then have a select few stay the night after the party and I… well, I have put my foot down about this. And I’m feeling like I want to walk it back, but I also still agree with my reasons for saying no in the first place.
This may sound like a non-sequitur, but stay with me here: We have reached an age where birthday party invite lists have begun to be… tricky. Like, I am theoretically 100% behind Carla or any child only inviting people to her birthday that she wants at her birthday. We are long past the days when you invited the entire class or – in some cases – the entire grade. And I theoretically completely understand that just because parents are friends with one another does not mean their children are also friends with one another.
In practice, it feels so different and yucky to leave people out, especially if they are the kids of your friends. And yet: six person limit.
My reason for not doing the big party with the smaller sleepover is related to that yucky feeling. I don’t want to leave anyone out, I don’t want anyone to feel less special or less of a friend or lesser in any way because they weren’t included in the super exclusive sleepover contingent. Carla’s argument is twofold. First, she says that other kids have big parties and then a few kids sleepover. Second, she says that she would never, ever mention to anyone that only a few kids would sleepover. My rebuttal is that kids a) aren’t great at secrets and b) can be mean and c) people always find out!
Other people DO do this! I have picked up my kid from several birthday parties, and a couple kids remain behind to stay for a sleepover extension. This has never bothered me because I have only recently allowed Carla to sleep over anywhere. But it has bothered Carla. She always feels left out and wonders why not her. We had a good reason: she wasn’t allowed. That helped soothe the hurt feelings. Plus, she’s a very cheerful kid who gets over things pretty swiftly. But what about the other kids who may not have mean sleepover-hating moms to blame their lack of fun on, or who may be struggling with finding their crew, or whose feelings are sharper and longer lasting?
(I have no good place to stick this point, but I want to head off any suggestions that Carla invite one or even two people over. I think I could be okay with a Big Party and one kid sleeping over after. But Carla doesn’t have a Best Friend, so that doesn’t really make sense in her situation. Plus, I think part of the allure of the Big Sleepover is the BIGNESS of it.)
We’re not doing Big Party with the Small Sleepover. We just aren’t. I mean, I suppose I could hold two events on two separate days but NO THANK YOU ONE PARTY IS ENOUGH I MEAN IT. Please, back me up here, because I can feel my resistance crumbling as I type and I know I will RUE MYSELF if I give in to the two party plan. Can a person rue herself? Even if that’s not a thing, I will.
Because I cannot and will not host two separate parties (right????? that would be dumb?????), and because I refuse to make a portion of birthday invitees feel like the B Team, I am trying to work myself up to a slightly bigger sleepover. Like… eight people??? Could I do ten? It’s always possible that we invite ten and only three show up. That would be IDEAL, honestly. But in my experience, if you plan on that kind of attrition, everyone shows up and also one kid brings her out-of-town cousin.
Carla is not the problem here. She has narrowed her list down to five invitees, with very little pleading and negotiating. I AM THE PROBLEM. There are some kids that I would like to invite just out of… I don’t know. Mom friendship? Duty? Duty invites? That’s awful. No one wants to be at a party because the birthday girl’s MOM wants you there. I am sure the duty invitees would HATE THAT, and Carla might also hate it too, and I can see right now that if I tell her to invite A, she will ask, “If I can have an extra spot for A, why can’t I invite B instead?” which makes total sense; I refer you back to my theoretical conviction that a kid should only invite kids to her birthday party that she wants at her birthday party. And even if I upped the guest list count to ten, there’s no guarantee that the duty invitees would make that cut, either. (Ugh ugh ugh. I need a different way to frame this than “duty invitees,” because these kids are sweet and wonderful and fun and they just aren’t in Carla’s immediate circle, that’s all there is to it.)
Listen. Pretty much no one these days is going around inviting every kid in the class/grade or even every kid of one gender in the class/grade. Carla has been invited to three birthday parties this year, that’s it. So I get it. Not everyone gets invited. That’s not how friendship works. We moms all say, “We understand.” And I know that we do. If Carla didn’t get an invitation to a specific kid’s party, I would understand. That doesn’t mean it wouldn’t sting.
Someone’s feelings are going to get hurt. Perhaps many someones. Perhaps someone’s mom’s feelings are going to get hurt too. I don’t want to be the cause of it!
Do you see? Do you SEE why I am struggling to plan the party when I cannot figure out the guest list??????
Clearly I am in bit of a tizz. We’ll have to reconvene later to discuss present ideas and cake. (We have one gift for Carla: a pair of tickets to a play we think [hope] she wants to see. Nearly Twelve is exceedingly difficult to shop for!)
Let’s look at a soft sleepy kitten to soothe the jangled nerves.
I don’t envy you over this birthday party conundrum! It would stress me out enormously to have to sort it all out. It’s bad enough to worry about the kids getting their feelings hurt – but also the moms! That might be even worse!
Yes, let’s look at the soft sleeping kitty. It really does help!
The poor moms!!!! Isn’t a soft kitty such a balm?
Five is just fine! A very reasonable limit!! Don’t try to manage feelings of kids who are not your own. Because you don’t even know if any of them mind! Having mom set a limit of five and sticking to it works out great. Just move forward with with the plan of five and don’t feel guilty.
Having a huge number of kids just for the spectacle – as opposed to being extremely close to every single one of them- is just asking for trouble/drama.
I admit to having a big sleep over when I was young , but I’m a twin so I think my parents felt both of us needed to invite people ( so 10 seemed reasonable). But my parents were very easy-going about guests and used to large quantity of kids around. Also, we didn’t have themes or coordinating gift bags. It was sleep on the floor, maybe have good cereal in the morning kind of sleep overs.
it’s your home – please do what’s comfortable for you. ( And the kitten would freak out being passed around incessantly by a horde of 12 yr olds. Think of Lenny!)
Okay thank you for the very firm and confident response!!! I am going to try to move forward with this energy!
I have got your back. The big party/ small sleepover IS A BAD THING. I know people do it. But it feels so mean. It really does make kids feel left out because even if Carla doesn’t say anything, one of the sleepover girls surely will. I have seen that done and it’s a bad idea. I am 100% behind you – either have a big water themed party OR a small sleepover, not both. That is where I would stand. Also, my god, sleepovers. I was the most relaxed mom in the world when the kids would have 15 boys to their parties, or even in the middle of the week when kids would come over after school. No problem! Here’s some snacks! But sleepovers ALWAYS were an issue. Mostly it was because they were so loud and my husband would get all grumpy and then I’d be weirded out – what if the boys see me in my pajamas – and then the next day was always a shitshow…no. So we hosted very very few of them. The boys had a friend whose mom was the opposite, she loved having sleepovers. The more the merrier! No occasion needed! I went to pick them up once and there were like 10 boys sleeping over, she was calmly making pancakes and bacon. That’s just not me, it’s never going to be me.
Anyway. I’m on your side!!! These things can be so fraught, and not to be all gendered about it, but especially with girls.
Right?! SOMEONE is going to say something and feelings WILL get hurt!
This is a good reminder that we all have our parenting strengths and I suppose I should just be okay with “sleepovers” not being mine.
And the next day is ALWAYS a shitshow! My kid takes days to recover! How is it worth it?!?
Echoing what others have said, it’s an either/or situation. Big party OR small sleepover. It’s not what you do it’s how you make the kids feel that counts.
Yes! Parties are for good feelings!
Hi, longtime reader never commenter. I just wanted to commiserate- and to support your instinct toward a single invite/party. It is v. tricky at twelve! My girl was in the B group one time and while I was secretly relieved (she was not really ready for a sleepover with that friend group ) the sting was sharp and I felt so bad for her. Also several in her close group of friends that year planned WEEKENDS away that she went to but which we couldn’t ourselves organise as we don’t have a summer home or grandparents willing to host. I have organised very large parties at 3D movies which makes for a short but easily scalable event. My second was invited to a 12th birthday party in the park the other week for around thirty children and though it was chaotic, I had the impression the kids enjoyed just running around and playing (and eating donuts and chips). Good luck!
Hi Tamara! Thanks for commenting!! Ugh ugh ugh your poor kiddo. Being on the B Team HURTS. The park party sounds both fun and terrifying to me. I need more structure than that, lol.
YES. This truly is hard. I agree that the big party with a small sleepover after is not good. This seems familiar to me- I think my daughter wanted to do that one year and I vetoed it. There’s no way that the kids who aren’t invited to the sleepover won’t find out.
I don’t know how people accommodate a big sleepover- I guess… everyone sleeps in the living room or something? I don’t think my daughter has ever had more than two people sleep over at a time. Anyway- everything will work out. You know why? Because you have a KITTEN! Kittens make everything okay.
We have a big, finished basement so that’s where I would stow everyone. I remember piling a dozen kids into my bedroom for sleepover parties when I was in middle school though. It was jam packed with sleeping bags but it was fun!
Maybe I am an unsympathetic person, but if kids don’t get invited to parties/sleepovers and their feelings are hurt it’s a good learning opportunity for them. We will all be left out of things in our time and this is a parenting moment on how to handle it and deal with disappointment (and now I am realizing why sad news sends me right to an ice cream cone). ANYWAY. If Carla has her list, that’s the list.
But what do I know? I don’t have kids.
They are going to have so much fun playing with Lenny when they come over!! KITTY!!!
Engie, I am 100% with you on the life lessons thing when it comes to my own kid. It stinks, but I would never expect her to be invited anywhere, and I don’t think everyone has to be friends with everyone else, and she will find her people and it’s just a party and etc. But when I think of her darling little friends, and think of US being responsible for their hurt feelings? It breaks my heart. Double standard, for sure. Also makes me sound like a hard-hearted meanie when it comes to my own kid. Hmm.
what she said. “Not fair” , guess what life is not fair.
As someone who tricked Alex this year into thinking it was her own idea to invite someone I needed to invite for mom related reasons, I am right there with you. But mine is easier because Alex is having a daytime party with a waterslide and lots of parents and friends and siblings friends and she’ll probably also invite the mail carrier at some point and whatever strangers are walking down our street before the party. But I needed an invite for Girl Scout parent reasons and Alex said “nah” when I mentioned adding that girl to the party list and then…I texted the mom anyway a few days later and then said cheerfully to Alex a few days later “and X can come and Y is going to be out of town and Z said she can probably come” and Alex apparently didn’t even remember that Z was on her “nah” list.
CAN I TRICK MY KID INTO INVITING SOMEONE? This opens up a whole new world of possibilities, Jen! Although she is a few years older than Alex, and perhaps not as amenable. Won’t know until I try!
Deception is a very handy parenting skill! And obviously this isn’t something I would do if Alex didn’t like this girl or if there were problems or anything like that. But she’s played with her and likes her and I think she just wasn’t fitting the vibe Alex had in her mind at the time (she’s a bit younger than the rest, a grade younger than Alex but almost two years younger because Alex is old in her grade and Z is young in hers). But this party is also stacking up to be a LOT of people (I’m letting Alex’s friend’s siblings invite friends of their own this year!) so honestly, what’s one more?
I’d stick to your guns on not having some kids leave and some kids stay the night. I would go with the 5 kids she wants to invite and not guilt yourself into inviting more. Would they even hear about it since school is out? I feel like it’s trickier when schools is in session because kids will definitely talk. But they likely don’t see each other/talk as much in the summer? So go with 5 which is manageable!
I’m trying to remember how many kids I had sleep over at most and I feel like it was fairly small – probably 5 at the most and that might even be high. I cannot imagine having 10 kids sleepover! That sounds like a nightmare to me!
Ten kids sounds like a nightmare to me, too!
Summer is definitely the one saving grace here. I think it’s a lot less likely that people will be talking about her party when they are all doing separate camps and vacations.
Team Either/Or! Carla is not wrong for asking for a big party with a small sleepover, and you are not wrong for limiting the scope of the party to what the staff has the bandwidth for (and by “staff” I mean you). There will always be Other Moms who do big parties/big sleepovers/yada yada and yay for them. The rest of us set boundaries.
YES. I can leave it to The Other Moms, Birch, that is a genius perspective.
Can we host a party for all with a short window …..3-6pm?
And then perhaps host a small sleepover at another date?
Ha – yes, that is possible! But I would like to avoid TWO SEPARATE PARTIES if at all possible! One is enough stress lol.
First of all, your blog posts feel like my inner running commentary.
I have an eight-year gap between my daughters, and they are so different (which I love). It gave me two totally different experiences as a mom. Not better or worse—just different.
And let me tell you, I hated sleepovers. I didn’t like them as a kid, so it was no surprise when I dreaded them as a parent too. I’ve always believed nothing good happens after dark—and that applies even to the “good” kids.
I remember when my youngest had her first sleepover here, and one of the girls already had a cell phone at a pretty young age. She was calling people and hanging up, and my daughter ended up coming upstairs wanting to sleep with us because she was scared. Total kerfuffle. I don’t suppose this comment is very helpful. 🤣💜
I hated sleepovers as a kid (unless they were at my house) and I hate them now. You are so right that nothing good happens after dark, even among good kids. Yuck. I think even kids with great judgment misplace it somewhere as soon as the clock strikes ten or something.
I’m the odd one out where we HAVE had big parties with small sleepovers multiple times. But it has always been limited to a single friend sleeping over. Most years the sleepover happened on another night.
But there are so many things to consider and it’s HARD to juggle it all. Do what feels right for you and I’m sure it will all work out.
Lenny is too cute, Suzanne!
Oh, I am 100% with you on the “We do not have an A list that stays after the party and a B list that goes home” line in the sand—even though I do know it does happen. Just, no. We are not keeping The Special Few behind. Nor are we doing Two Parties, GAH!
And I feel like six total children is a very good Nice Big Sleepover, and that narrowing a guest list is good practice. (Definitely I agree with you that there should be no Obligation Guests. I SO get that impulse, but no one wants that.) I would probably allow myself to be swayed to one single additional guest over my limit if the child had a Very Good Argument Indeed, something VERY compelling involving a specific unique situation, but not otherwise. I would also consider the existence of a Secret…let’s not call it a Secret B List, but more like a Secret Waiting List: that is, if someone said VERY EARLY ON that they could NOT come to the sleepover, I might allow a substitution—but this would come with a Big Talk beforehand with the child about how NO ONE MUST KNOW that this happened, which might mean being very careful during the INITIAL invitations (i.e., not telling each invitee who the other invitees are).
When I was growing up, the gist was that we had a choice of parties, and each kind of party came with a different number of guests. We could have a BIG party, inviting LOTS AND LOTS of kids—but that would be in the yard, and it would last 2 hours. We could instead have a sleepover, but the limit was something like yours—I remember inviting five guests for a sleepover, and I will say that felt to me as a child like a LOT of kids to sleep over. OR we could instead invite ONE friend but do something pretty special, which at that time and in that household meant going OUT TO EAT, to a SIT-DOWN RESTAURANT, and then going someplace fun like bowling or to the animal shelter that had a kitten room. I remember as a child this gave me a lot of feeling of control/choice/options, and worked well with my changing social situation: some years I had a wider circle of friends, and some years it was narrower.
I don’t know if this is done there but when I was a teenager we traveled to a small town in France and one night we had a party in a dining room! Strange, huh? 🙂 I wonder if you could take 10 kids to another place for a sleepover. I know that’s what I’d try to do 🙂
You are so right! I offered my daughters the choice of a larger non-overnight or 5 friends for an overnight. Not both! As it was, the chaos, noise and NOT SLEEPING of the overnight made me grumpy and tired for about a week. I hope it goes very well and fast!!
I agree 100% that it makes zero sense to host a big party and only have some kids sleepover. That’s a bad idea and I’m sad some other parents go this route. Not surprised though. I have some pretty awful b-day party stories that still make me bristle. I actually have a hilarious story about when my mom got me invited to the cool kid bday party when I was in 3rd grade. I did NOT belong there and my mom made me go. It’s funny now. I let Reg have a bunch of boys sleepover for a bday party once and it about made me lose my everlasting mind. With the two newbie girls, we just don’t allow b-day parties at all. I don’t want to deal with grouchy kids the next day.
A water themed bday party will be so fun, or a small sleepover. Good luck!
I am team either/or as well. This is a great chance for Carla to remember that you can’t always have it all and some choices in life are hard to make. However, I do think that since it is summer coming up, maybe you can tell her that she can have five people over in August at some point (or whenever) and this way you can (a) not have to worry about the two events at once (b) not worry as much about people hearing/knowing about it (since it won’t be people hanging back from the first party, plus there is no school), and maybe even she can have a second sleepover at some point and invite 5 other people (if she wanted to). Anyway, I am a firm believer that kids do not make the rules, but that there should be compromise, and also delayed gratification. If she and her friends behave at the birthday party, then she can have a 5 person sleepover in a month!
So… this is what I have to lol forward to… my kids are 5 and 7 but I am soaking all of the advice I can get for when we have sleepovers. Your plan is solid. Thanks for your post. And that kitteh… Just give him to me!
I’m late to the party, so to speak, but there are pros and cons to all the ways to do birthdays and I think a sleepover with five guests is fine. I wouldn’t ask her to add anyone because of just what you said– then she’d want to add more of her choosing.
My sensitive little soul is SHRIVELING UP thinking about going to a birthday party and then realizing later that some of the other kids stayed behind for a sleepover. I would have been SO DEVASTATED. Even as a 30-something, I still get in my feels when I realize my friends were hanging out without me EVEN THOUGH THAT IS PERFECTLY FINE TO DO.
Also, I definitely would not want to deal with TWO different events – the birthday party AND the sleepover. I remember having a big sleepover when I turned 11 and I’m just like, “How did my parents manage that?!”