dumb things

Five for Friday
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Five for Friday

Hooray for a few calm minutes in which I can sit and write a blog post! I have been so nonstop gogogo this school year that when I do have a few free moments, I feel certain I am forgetting something. Should I be at an appointment? Should I be picking up Carla for an appointment? Have I made dinner? Probably I could be exercising, but I am choosing to sit in a non-ergonomic position with my laptop on my thighs instead.

Absent-Minded or Mind Is Absent:

Forgetting something important is not, sadly, a hypothetical. This year so far I have already had a very embarrassing memory lapse. Carla had an orthodontist appointment; it was on my calendar; I got a text reminder the day before that I didn’t bother to open because I was already On Top Of It. I remembered to contact her school in advance to let them know I’d be picking her up. I reminded Carla about the appointment the night before and the morning of and reminded her both times that she would need to bring her retainer.

In the car on the way to school that morning, Carla wailed that she’d forgotten her retainer at home! The retainer she needed for the appointment, which was a retainer check. Fine. I will grab it for you, Carla! And yet, on my way to pick her up – like, literally five minutes away from her school – I realized that I, too, had forgotten her retainer at home.

My brain went immediately into project solving mode. Okay! I had arranged to pick her up early, so I would swoop in, grab her, race home, get the retainer, and race back to the orthodontist. If all went well, I might be ten or fifteen minutes late for her appointment. Not ideal. But we could still make it!

I called the orthodontist’s office to let them know the plan. But… no sound of the phone ringing on their end. No sound of the call being connected. I hung up and tried again. Same thing. I pulled up to Carla’s school. No Carla. The whole point of letting the school know in advance that she has an appointment is so that someone will go get her out of class and make sure she’s waiting in the lobby for me when I arrive. I tried the orthodontist again. Same issue. I went inside to get Carla. No one was in the reception office. Shit. I lurked in the lobby for a few minutes until the principal walked by, noticed me, and said he would go find Carla. After he left, Carla’s science teacher walked by and asked if I need help, and I said the principal was looking for Carla, and the science teacher said he would ALSO go look for Carla. I tried the orthodontist again. No answer. Okay, fine – they are having Phone Issues. But! They texted me a reminder the day before the appointment, so presumably I could text them back!

I opened the unread text reminder. Which is when I discovered that I was ALREADY AN HOUR LATE for the appointment. This is, of course, when the principal and science teacher reappeared, Carla in tow. And because they’d already gone to all this trouble of fetching her, I took her out of school even though we had missed her appointment. We went and got fast food for lunch and I brought her back to school. She pretty much thought it was The Best Thing Ever, but I felt (and still feel) like a massive dumbass.

Finger Embellishment:

I painted my nails burgundy in advance of my dressy event. I think they look lovely. How long will the nail color last? Hopefully through the event; I have learned that’s all I can really ask for. By the way, my kid and I got pedicures with my mother-in-law for her birthday, and I did my toes in this version of burgundy, which is so good. I would have bought it if the salon had sold it, but alas they did not.

Listen, I didn’t say I was GOOD at painting my nails. But no one is going to be looking at my old hands closely enough to see the mistakes.

Sandwich Success:

I have been doing The Bare Minimum when it comes to meals this school year. This was all fine and good when I was (not) feeding my own immediate family, but we’ve had houseguests for the past week. I ended up making some Actual Meals, one of which was the balsamic pork I’ve made a million times since my friend served it at her house many years ago. It’s a super easy slow cooker meal the results in shredded pork tenderloin. We serve it with brown rice, feta cheese, kalamata olives, and caramelized onions. (My husband adds diced sundried tomatoes, as well.) It’s delicious and different from most of the lemon- or soy-sauce-based meals I usually gravitate toward.

Because the only pork tenderloins I had in my freezer were a) giant and b) a two pack and c) frozen inextricably together, I had a mountain of shredded pork left over. Fortunately, I thought ahead and also had a ton of caramelized onions leftover. Instead of allowing all the leftovers to languish unused in my fridge until I finally threw them out, I decided to figure out how to repurpose them.

This is what I came up with: a vat of butternut squash soup with a fancy grilled cheese on the side. Sourdough bread, bacon onion jam, provolone cheese, leftover pork on one half, leftover caramelized onions on the other half. DELICIOUS.

I swear this is SO MUCH tastier than my photography skills might indicate.

Homophonic Hiccup:

As a former editor, I am prone to spotting errors in text. I like to think I’ve grown much less judgmental over the years when I come across a spelling, grammar, or usage error. We all make mistakes. Even the finest toothed comb of a copyeditor can overlook a typo. I make errors all the time, simply consult this here weblog for innumerable mistakes. And yet I still have my pet peeves. One of which is GLARING ERRORS in headlines, especially when those headlines come from major publications who should have careful editors on staff. “Lead” being misused as “led” really grates my teeth. Of course, this kind of thing happens, it does. Often I can overlook it; glass houses and all. But sometimes it makes me very grumpy and judge-y. This is one of those times.

You know, on second look, this headline has more issues than just the spelling error.

Little Golden Girls Books:

A dear friend of mine and I have a longstanding joke that I am Dorothy Zbornak and she is Blanche Devereaux from Golden Girls. (Which Golden Girl are you?) So when I saw this post about what the Golden Girls would be reading, I was delighted to see that I have read all three of the books assigned to Dorothy. (Depending on which book the group selects for Engie’s next round of the CBBC, perhaps we are ALL Dorothy????)

We have an action-packed weekend ahead of us. You will not be surprised to learn that I do not want to participate in any action. I want to sit at home with my cat and finish reading my new book (it’s so good and I have no idea where it’s going) and maybe eat another fancy grilled cheese sandwich. Instead, I’m going to go put on my fancy dress and shoes and try to muster up some social energy.

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A Very Silly Thing I Am Angsting Over

Through a combination of targeted approaches over the past six months, I feel like I have effectively reduced my overall anxiety level. I notice some anxieties no longer really bother me at all – they only linger in expectation form, like a phantom anxiety that I expect to bubble up but never does. (Perhaps this is a brand NEW anxiety, although it doesn’t ACT like anxiety.) 

Other anxieties remain. I think it is impossible to live a life 100% free from anxiety; even the most laid-back people in my life, after all, have their Things. But sometimes the things I stress about are so SILLY, worrying about them seems completely inexplicable… and yet I cannot stop bumping up against them, like a ring I twist unconsciously on my finger or a mosquito bite I can’t help but scratch. 

I am going to share the current mosquito bite with you, in hopes that a) putting it into words acts as a sort of soothing salve and b) I am not the only person who angsts over things that are ridiculous yet nonetheless persistently irritating. Please. Please. Tell me all the ridiculous things that keep you awake at night.

A bunch of my loved ones are gathering to celebrate A Momentous Occasion and I cannot join them. Out of some sort of mishmash of FOMO and Wanting To Show I Care, I suggested to the host that maybe I could supply breakfast for one morning when everyone is together. 

The host responded with positivity and gratitude. Yes, my overture would be welcome and appreciated.

Almost immediately, I regretted giving in to this generous impulse. Because I am NOT GOOD AT THIS KIND OF THING. This is a task that requires phone calls and guessing what other people might want in terms of quantity and flavor. This is a task that requires, possibly, using DoorDash or UberEats or one of the many food delivery services I have never once used in my life. This is a task that requires evaluating, based on online information, whether a caterer/restaurant/café is going to provide good food and good value. 

The Occasion is taking place in a state I have never visited. Everyone is staying in an Air BnB together. It seemed, in my head, like it would be fairly easy to order donuts or bagels or breakfast sandwiches for everyone to be delivered to the house. But I was wrong! 

My first thought was to use Goldbelly to order something. I’ve used Goldbelly for various food gifts in the past, and it always seems to work out. (Unless my parents and sibling are shielding me from the awful truth…) But a) I couldn’t find what I wanted for under $250, which was more than I intended to spend, and b) my husband thought I was a huge weirdo for choosing that option when I could just order from someplace local. 

Oh. Okay. Right. 

So I researched some local places. Is it reasonable to put all my faith in online reviews and personal reaction to company websites???? Reasonable or not, that is where I put my faith. 

The first place I called took a message and never returned my call. When I called back, they said they were in the middle of a busy period and could I call back later. The second place I called rang and rang and rang. The third place I called was an on-site caterer, and they apparently only cater to their specific site. The first place, which I called a third time, once again took my information and never called me back. 

I decided I would order from Panera, which has a simple online order form and would deliver the food for me. And also, Panera isn’t, like, special or anything, but it’s decent. However, I mentioned this plan to someone whose opinion I trust. The response was an instantaneous and very firm, “Don’t do that,” and a quick google search to locate a fourth place (well, fifth, if you count Panera, which I am not counting so I’m not sure why I’m typing this parenthetical) for me to call. 

If I could have had this friend call the fourth place for me and place the order, I would have. I was Done, Dee Oh En Ee, with this task, except I wasn’t because the only thing worse than calling yet another breakfast place was telling the host I was reneging on my offer. Don’t think I didn’t strongly consider it. 

The fourth place answered the phone! They could put together a breakfast that sounded good! And they could deliver! They quoted me a price, although they “didn’t have the price sheet in front of them, so they were just estimating” and I said let’s do this. 

I emailed the host of The Occasion and let her know what I was planning, and confirmed the correct date and time and location. She responded with a thumbs up. (Not a literal or emojical thumbs-up, but with an affirmation that I was doing something that worked with her plans.)  

It seems to me that Other People have no problem with tasks like this. Either they would call Panera from the get-go, or they would quickly and easily find the exact perfect place to order breakfast from and order breakfast from that place, or they would tell the host “sorry, it’s not working out, can I contribute another way,” or they wouldn’t offer to provide breakfast in the first place, like a chump. So part of the anxiety stems from feeling like I am making a big messy ordeal out of something that should be SIMPLE and STRAIGHTFORWARD. And the other part of the anxiety stems from fear that I am going to fuck it up somehow. 

Today, the fourth place called me and took my credit card information. The price they charged me was quite a bit higher than the quote, but at that point, what could I do? I was already locked in. The date of The Occasion is too near to go back to the drawing board, and I am too worn out from calling all these places and thinking about this for WEEKS to contemplate doing anything else. 

And now I am waiting, very anxiously, hoping that the delivery goes as planned, and the food I ordered is good, and that I ordered ENOUGH FOOD, I am not even going to TELL YOU how much I ordered or for how many people because I am so stressed about it and so worried you will say OMG SUZANNE THAT IS WAY TOO MUCH/TOO LITTLE FOOD.

I even texted a family member who will be in attendance at this Occasion, and let her know that I’d placed the order and it was all set to be delivered at a specific time and directed to the host… even though this family member did not ask for this information, or volunteer to help in any way, and I do not want to make her feel like it’s now, somehow, HER responsibility. 

Also: let me be clear. I fully realize this is not about me. The Occasion is… A Momentous Occasion for my loved one, and there is a whole big to-do going on that has nothing to do with my measly breakfast contribution, and a crappy breakfast is not going to make or break an entire long weekend of celebrating. I GET THIS. My brain understands. But my body is not on board! It is all riled up. The My Breakfast Contribution aspect of The Occasion is all I can think about! What if the food is terrible? What if it feeds only half of the guests? What if everyone gets food poisoning?! (Food poisoning could break a weekend, I suppose.) Why am I worrying about such a small slice of the overall pie of The Occasion? WHY?????? Whatever it is, it will be a blip at most. (Unless food poisoning.) (Please, God, let there be no food poisoning.)

My husband says, “It’s the thought that counts.” And. Well. Sort of? But also… I don’t want to be The Person Who Sent Shitty Breakfast (or diarrhea, which is an entirely different kind of shitty breakfast).

I should have just kept my dumb mouth shut! I should never have offered to do anything! I should have simply offered to send cash to help fund An Event! 

This is the kind of thing that is itching and ITCHING and I cannot scratch it. I want to moan about it to my husband. I want to text about it to my friends. I want to call the host of The Occasion and triple check that I got all the details right and get her to tell me that it won’t even matter if it’s crap because everyone will be drunk on mimosas, or have her tell me that a third of the guests suddenly can’t make it, or have her assure me that there’s tons of other food in the house just in case I didn’t order the right amount (HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT AMOUNT TO ORDER OMG). I want to call my family member who will be on site and ask her to text me photos. I want to FLY TO THE STATE AND BE AT THE OCCASION AND HANDLE THE WHOLE THING IN PERSON OMG.

At least The Occasion will be over soon and I will no longer be troubled by the possibilities; I will know the outcome (because you know I am going to pester my family member until I get a report), and hopefully the reaction will fall somewhere in the range of “meh, that was okay” to “well, that was a pleasant little breakfast spread!” 

At the very least, I hope no one thinks, “Wow, we should have just gone to Panera.”

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My Own Worst Enemy

What is it about the brain that allows us to do things that actively run counter our best interests? I know I am not alone in this. But lately it feels like everywhere I turn, I run into an obstacle. And that obstacle is me. 

  • I keep waking up with headaches and jaw pain. This is, I am pretty sure, because I clench my teeth while I sleep. Luckily, I have a tool to prevent this from happening! An expensive tool, custom made for me at the dentist. For awhile it was packed away in a box, but it’s been on my nightstand for several weeks now. So why am I not using it??????
  • My feet hurt if I don’t wear shoes. This is just a fact. And yet sometimes I will simply… not put on my shoes! Or sometimes, I don’t want to wear shoes when other people are in the house, because I don’t want to explain to them that it’s okay for ME to wear shoes, but not for them. When probably they would be fine with it. Nope. Instead, I walk around in my socks and then my feet ache. 
  • Exercise is essential for my mental health. I enjoy tiring my muscles out with strength training! I love being outside in the fresh air! I love the ache and exhaustion after I’ve worked hard. And yet I have not been exercising. Some of this is because my schedule is all over the place. But there are definitely some days where I could fit it in if I tried, and I talk myself out of it. 
  • Alone time is essential for my mental health. As an introvert, I NEED time alone to recharge my batteries. And yet I have been going to parties and volunteering at events with lots of people and meeting friends for coffee and doing things at Carla’s school and hosting my husband’s family for Thanksgiving. It’s all good stuff, it’s all stuff I want to do. But it doesn’t have to happen all at once. I can postpone things! I can even say no! WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF? 
  • If I don’t get immediate feedback, I expect the worst. Why is this? There is no reason for this! It’s not as though I usually get negative feedback, which might justify an expectation of negative feedback. No! I typically get positive feedback! And yet if I don’t hear anything, I worry and fret and angst and wonder what I can do to pre-emptively “fix” whatever it is I’ve done. WHY? I am wasting so much time and energy on pointless anxiety! 

I know I’m fortunate in that none of these things are truly debilitating or dangerous. There are so many worse ways I could be acting against my best interests. But I really wish I knew how to get out of my own way. 

Do you ever stand in your own way?

P.S. I always think the song “My Own Worst Enemy” is by Blink 182, but it’s by Lit. 

I am kinda sorta attempting to complete NaBloPoMo, with the full expectation that life will make it impossible any day now. If you want to follow along, or join the fun, check out San’s blog here.