I did my at-home sleep study last night, and had a terrible night of sleep (not surprising). The last straw was a horrible vivid nightmare about someone I love dying. I think I squeaked in at least six hours in bed, if not six hours of sleep, so I called it quits. Now I’m trying to banish the dream-grief with mundane things like de-scaling my tea kettle and washing sheets.
Why do some dreams linger? The last dream that lingered was a nightmare about someone I see on a regular basis. He – let’s see; how much do you need to know about how disturbing my psyche is? – attacked me in the dream, and then, upon waking, I had to see him randomly out in the world while the feelings of the dream clung to me and to him. It was not pleasant. Poor guy! He is by all appearances a kind, friendly, hard-working person who would never dream of attacking anyone, except maybe the weeds in his garden. And yet now I feel all weird about him, as though my mind has secret perceptive powers. Yes, yes, Gavin de Becker would probably tell me that I am indeed perceiving something real about his character (either that, or I am giving my own anxiety too much power), but I really think in this case IT WAS ONLY A DREAM.
Let us swiftly change subjects!
I was telling you the other day that I did buy the anti-cellulite cream and had started using it. I am going to continue using it. And I am also here to tell you that you should never, EVER apply it directly after taking a shower. The instructions say this: “You may start to feel a warming sensation, that’s totally normal! If you’re not into the tingle, we recommend waiting at least 20 minutes after a shower before applying. Use twice a day for best results.” I read the instructions, and found the wording peculiar. But I waited twenty minutes after showering to apply it the first few times, and then applied it a second time in the morning well before showering. But then. The other day I just… forgot, I guess? My husband and I had a date night planned, and I was doing all my normal getting-ready things, showering, doing my hair, etc. I slapped on some of this cream instead of my good ol’ Eucerin. This was the fieriest it has ever felt. And we were on a date! I was so uncomfortable! It wasn’t painful, just… deeply, deeply uncomfortable. I was wearing a dress and anytime my thighs touched, the heat intensified. I will not be doing that again.
It’s got to be working, right? I hope you are enjoying my play-by-play of this experience. I am nothing if not ever-hopeful when it comes to cellulite magic.
You know what I would like to magic into being? My kid’s summer schedule. I finally sat down with some calendar pages and plotted out all the camps that she’s expressed interest in, and there are a few overlaps but mostly I think she can do everything she wants to do. One of our neighbors has also asked if Carla will be available to do some dog walking this summer, which of course Carla is delighted to do. And then there will presumably be A Cat to play with, too.
I am fully on board with Carla having a relaxed, pet- and pool-centric summer. That sounds fabulous, and I am happy to limit the driving I need to do. But I do need her to do SOME THINGS. Maybe not every day, but probably most days, for a couple of hours. Otherwise, the battle over screen time is going to ruin our relationship. I wonder if I could simply BAN SCREENS during the day? Would that be doing myself a disservice? I just know that if I set a limit, that it will gradually erode. I’m not tough enough or disciplined enough to stick to, say, two hours a day, and Carla can smell weakness and will exploit it. (This is not a dig at her, it is purely about my own shortcomings, I hope you understand.) But then again, if I ban her from screens, and then am sitting around typing away at my own screen – which I need to do in order to achieve my own goals – I feel like that’s a massive double standard? I can already hear the relentless arguments about how unfair it is. No. Better to whisk her away to camp for some period of time each day so that I feel less terrible about the inevitable screen time taking place the rest of the time.
(I feel like I have to include the caveat that different kids are different, and can handle screen time differently, and that my kid’s needs are specific to her and don’t reflect on you or your kids at all. And also that my parenting strategy, lackluster as it may be, does in fact involve some modicum of boundary-holding; I just recognize my own limits and the value of picking battles.)
Oh – I finally, after dithering about it for eons, and being terribly afraid I will offend someone, have added a blog roll to my site. If your blog is not listed, please know that this is purely user error, to be blamed on me and my current unworkable hodgepodge method of following blogs, which uses a combination of Feedly, bookmarks in various browsers, and the power of memory which we all know is subpar at best. If your blog is not featured, it has NOTHING to do with YOU. I want to read your blog, I want to list it in my blogroll, so please let me know if it is not there and I will add it. I promise to comment as erratically as I post.
The other thing on my mind today is my niece, who is turning TEN. Even though Carla is not quite two years older, I am at a loss for what the ten-year-old set is into these days. NOT makeup; my father-in-law noted that my niece is overrun with Ulta and Sephora gift cards, and hasn’t really found a use for them. She used to like robots, and this looks pretty cool. She likes math; would a math game be a good birthday present? (I would not like a math game for myself.) A Pokémon gift bag might be cool, if she is still into Pokémon. Although wait – shipping starts at $175? Never mind. Clearly, I do not know my niece as well as I wish I did, so I am drawing a blank. Any ideas????
Okay, that’s all I’ve got this morning, Internet! Hope your Saturday is off to a great start!
I found the middle school years the most challenging in terms of setting media limits (for North– it was never that hard for Noah). If you want to know what we did and what worked and what didn’t, I can tell you, but as you said all kids/families are different, so it might not apply.
Congrats on the blogroll. I tried to start one once and I put exactly one blog on it and it’s blog that hasn’t been updated since 2016, so clearly it’s not current. Every now and then I think I should do something about that.
I would love to know more about your media limits, Steph! It feels like nothing ever “works” for long, so it’s good to have new ideas in my back pocket.
It was easy to track media time when the kids were little and using fewer devices (just the tv and family computer) but once North (the less rule-bound child) was in middle school and had their own devices, it was hard to keep track. We tried installing tracking software on them but it was complicated by the fact that there were so many different devices.
We were fighting more and more about it, so when they were in 7th grade, I gave up on limits and instituted the policy that once they got home from school, before they could watch tv or do anything on their phone or other devices, they needed to 1) finish their homework, 2) do a chore, and 3) engage in a half-hour of “wholesome activity” Defining “wholesome activity” was always a work in progress but it was usually things like taking walk, doing artwork, playing with the cats, baking something, etc. They could choose the order in which they did those 3 things and once they were done, they had unlimited media time.
It worked beautifully until covid (end of 8th grade) but that’s another story. Honestly, I don’t think we ever got fully back on track after that.
Does Carla have her own smartphone? If not, I would recommend waiting another year or two. North got one at 11, and in hindsight, I think it was too early, at least for them. Noah, who got one at 13, probably could have handled it at a younger age, but you never know.
This sounds like a great policy. I love the items on the checklist, too. “Wholesome activity” is an amazing requirement!
No smartphones. I want to wait as long as possible — a phone is just not going to be good for my particular kid. I know plenty of kids handle them just fine, but based on experience with other devices, a smartphone is a no go.
Yipes I would not like a math game either! How about Foldology? It’s a book with 100 origami sheets that you fold into pictures. I got it as a present for myself and have repurchased a couple to give as gifts.
My latest sleep thing is what I call the “four o’clock hole” I’m falling to sleep right away (yay), getting good deep sleep (also yay), but waking up at 4 AM and not being able to get back to sleep (boo).
Gavin de Becker is a name I haven’t heard in a while. IMO The Gift of Fear should be mandatory reading but also…sometimes weird vibes are just weird vibes.
Good luck with the summer sitch! It’s tough because it you’re on call for dog walking it’s hard to fit in an all day summer camp, but on the other hand being on call for dog walking does lend itself to a lot of downtime that all too easily becomes a lot of screen time. No shade intended or taken – us grownups do it too.
“The four o’clock hole” is a perfect name for it, Birchie! I am awake nearly every morning at either three or four. Yuck. Also: WHY? It’s got to be some sort of circadian rhythm thing, if it happens to so many of us. But I need it to stop.
SUMMER WITH KIDS. It’s a whole thing. Wanting it to be fun and light but also needing structure for everyone’s mental health.
Yes, I hear you on this. It does seem to be getting easier and easier each year as the kids get older, but I still have a bit of existential dread as I head into summer even now.
Of those I know that did a home sleep study, none of them slept well! It seems incredibly hard to sleep with all that stuff hooked up to you! And the in clinic ones are even worse apparently!!
I am a boring aunt that exclusively gives money for gifts! But I know cash will always be appreciated. I used to give a book and cash but it got to be too hard to keep up with books they might like and some were just not readers.
Screen time is tough. I want to do a blanket ban on weekends but then I don’t get a break…. Gah. I do want to put a screen limit on so they learn that it’s not an endless resource but we would need a reset process. It’s not like they are on them all the time but they get their iPads in the morning and during quiet time on the weekends.
Are you in perimenopause? I had a good 5 years I feel like where I woke up at 3 or 4am every night, or at least 4 or 5 nights a week, and it would take me a long time to go back to sleep, sometimes a couple of hours, sometimes I would give up and get up. It’s gotten better, but boy, that was rough. Something to talk to your doctor about maybe.
Different kids ARE different! That’s the key for sure, because who knows what will work for one kid or another. Ah, parenting. I think that a camp is a good idea just to have a little something to schedule your days around.
Ugh on the dream thing. I hate that!
I know the feeling of a dream seeming so real! Like when I dream that someone I know does something mean, and them I feel mad at them for real the next day! I’m sorry the cellulite cream burned after a shower! But, it’s the kind of thing you could put in a novel and it would be a great scene! I’m long past the point of worrying about cellulite. If they made a cream that burned up cellulite, my whole body would disappear! 🤣 I really feel for parents trying to figure out how to deal with screen time for their kids. I wouldn’t have a clue what to do.
I think your idea of having something concrete for Carla to do every day (as much as possible) is good. That way you don’t have to have a constant battle about screens, or deal with limits that might shift or be argued against. Yes, ideally we should “let them be bored” and figure out something else to do- but realistically, it’s just nice to know that there will be no screens in the morning because they’re at tennis camp (or-whatever.) Good luck with it!
Yes, I know those vivid dreams where, the next day you’re looking at a completely innocent person with anger or suspicion, because they behaved atrociously in your dream. It’s actually pretty interesting- I mean, you remember this so it’s like it happened. But it didn’t… but your brain thinks it did. Makes you wonder what dreams we’ve appeared in, and what we’ve done, lol.
I was literally thinking about your anti-cellulite cream in the shower this morning—so funny you just wrote this! If you notice a difference, I’m buying it immediately.
OUCH on the cellulite cream; I hope it works for all that! Boundaries versus picking your battles–tricky and still in place for me with my adult daughters. (especially the younger one) I was disgruntled with my late husband for a full morning after something that he’d done in a dream.
The dream grief and dream fear sound taxing, to say the least.
I’m excited for Carla’s summer with dog and cat friends :)!
Oh gosh, do I understand the screen time battles. We are pretty strict about it, and yet I still feel like they have too much of it in the summer. We have set times for individual screens if they are at home all day (3-5) and then they usually all watch a show or two together before bed. If they are at camp or we are out of the house, then screen time just doesn’t happen which I love. During the school year, they only have screen time on weekends (same hours) and that makes me feel much better, but what are you going to do all summer? It’s hard on parents nowadays.
For your niece that likes math, may I suggest the card game Krypto? Challenging yet simple to play.
I laughed at Carla smells weakness and can exploit it. I don’t think adult screen time and kids’ screen time is in the same category. Most adults were required to play and use their imagination and do chores back in the day. I’d use that as my reasoning. You use a computer for your job. It’s different. Aside from that, I have no real suggestions for how to avoid screen time, aside from just hiding the iPad? I know someone who does this. When our kids were young, we had a code on the tv and only Coach and I knew the code . . . until one kid was sly enough to pay attention to our fingers when we unlocked it. Let’s just say we switched the code so often, I sometimes had to call Coach at work and ask him if he knew what it was. How great that she’s gonna get to do most of the camps she wants to do. That’s amazing. Plus, you have a pool. I think she has friends in the neighborhood, right? I suspect she’ll have enough to keep her busy. I’m out of the loop on gifts for 10 year olds, maybe an easy cookbook geared at kids? Or a game. Oh, yeah – the dream sounds awful. I have had some really disturbing dreams in recent months. Not fun. I hope they resolve themselves.
I have no kids so can’t really opine on screen time except that I have friends who put hour limits on them and the kid can use it all at once or save it but when it’s gone, they have to find something else to do. I don’t know if you already do that and it is still a pain? Also as far as the gift for the 10 year old, my friend’s 10 year old is a girly girl and she loves face masks. İt sounds like maybe your friend’s kid is not girly? İn that case, cash is king!!!
I have those vivid, violent dreams that occasionally feature a nice person. What the hell?
Well, I know you will find some sort of good balance this summer with Carla; time for her to have structure, and time for R & R for both of you.
Gah, those dreams that give you ick hangovers are the worst! For mine it’s usually a screaming fight with my mom or my sister telling me that she’s never really liked me. It can be really hard to let them go.
We’re so lucky that iphones and tablets weren’t really a thing when our kids were little. I don’t think my kids are terribly susceptible to screen addiction anyway, but it’s a lot easier when it’s not even an option – figuring out the tv thing was hard enough. When Angus was little we just had one little tv in the bedroom and he watched one Bugs Bunny cartoon every night.
I am crap at gift suggestions except for books. A ten year old girl who likes math – maybe an Encyclopedia Brown? Ha ha, that’s kind of old. A Raina Telgemeier graphic novel?