dreams

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Saturday Randomosity: Distracting the Brain from Dream Grief Edition

I did my at-home sleep study last night, and had a terrible night of sleep (not surprising). The last straw was a horrible vivid nightmare about someone I love dying. I think I squeaked in at least six hours in bed, if not six hours of sleep, so I called it quits. Now I’m trying to banish the dream-grief with mundane things like de-scaling my tea kettle and washing sheets.  

Why do some dreams linger? The last dream that lingered was a nightmare about someone I see on a regular basis. He – let’s see; how much do you need to know about how disturbing my psyche is? – attacked me in the dream, and then, upon waking, I had to see him randomly out in the world while the feelings of the dream clung to me and to him. It was not pleasant. Poor guy! He is by all appearances a kind, friendly, hard-working person who would never dream of attacking anyone, except maybe the weeds in his garden. And yet now I feel all weird about him, as though my mind has secret perceptive powers. Yes,  yes, Gavin de Becker would probably tell me that I am indeed perceiving something real about his character (either that, or I am giving my own anxiety too much power), but I really think in this case IT WAS ONLY A DREAM.

Let us swiftly change subjects!

I was telling you the other day that I did buy the anti-cellulite cream and had started using it. I am going to continue using it. And I am also here to tell you that you should never, EVER apply it directly after taking a shower. The instructions say this: “You may start to feel a warming sensation, that’s totally normal! If you’re not into the tingle, we recommend waiting at least 20 minutes after a shower before applying. Use twice a day for best results.” I read the instructions, and found the wording peculiar. But I waited twenty minutes after showering to apply it the first few times, and then applied it a second time in the morning well before showering. But then. The other day I just… forgot, I guess? My husband and I had a date night planned, and I was doing all my normal getting-ready things, showering, doing my hair, etc. I slapped on some of this cream instead of my good ol’ Eucerin. This was the fieriest it has ever felt. And we were on a date! I was so uncomfortable! It wasn’t painful, just… deeply, deeply uncomfortable. I was wearing a dress and anytime my thighs touched, the heat intensified. I will not be doing that again.

It’s got to be working, right? I hope you are enjoying my play-by-play of this experience. I am nothing if not ever-hopeful when it comes to cellulite magic.

You know what I would like to magic into being? My kid’s summer schedule. I finally sat down with some calendar pages and plotted out all the camps that she’s expressed interest in, and there are a few overlaps but mostly I think she can do everything she wants to do. One of our neighbors has also asked if Carla will be available to do some dog walking this summer, which of course Carla is delighted to do. And then there will presumably be A Cat to play with, too.

I am fully on board with Carla having a relaxed, pet- and pool-centric summer. That sounds fabulous, and I am happy to limit the driving I need to do. But I do need her to do SOME THINGS. Maybe not every day, but probably most days, for a couple of hours. Otherwise, the battle over screen time is going to ruin our relationship. I wonder if I could simply BAN SCREENS during the day? Would that be doing myself a disservice? I just know that if I set a limit, that it will gradually erode. I’m not tough enough or disciplined enough to stick to, say, two hours a day, and Carla can smell weakness and will exploit it. (This is not a dig at her, it is purely about my own shortcomings, I hope you understand.) But then again, if I ban her from screens, and then am sitting around typing away at my own screen – which I need to do in order to achieve my own goals – I feel like that’s a massive double standard? I can already hear the relentless arguments about how unfair it is. No. Better to whisk her away to camp for some period of time each day so that I feel less terrible about the inevitable screen time taking place the rest of the time.

(I feel like I have to include the caveat that different kids are different, and can handle screen time differently, and that my kid’s needs are specific to her and don’t reflect on you or your kids at all. And also that my parenting strategy, lackluster as it may be, does in fact involve some modicum of boundary-holding; I just recognize my own limits and the value of picking battles.)

Oh – I finally, after dithering about it for eons, and being terribly afraid I will offend someone, have added a blog roll to my site. If your blog is not listed, please know that this is purely user error, to be blamed on me and my current unworkable hodgepodge method of following blogs, which uses a combination of Feedly, bookmarks in various browsers, and the power of memory which we all know is subpar at best. If your blog is not featured, it has NOTHING to do with YOU. I want to read your blog, I want to list it in my blogroll, so please let me know if it is not there and I will add it. I promise to comment as erratically as I post.

The other thing on my mind today is my niece, who is turning TEN. Even though Carla is not quite two years older, I am at a loss for what the ten-year-old set is into these days. NOT makeup; my father-in-law noted that my niece is overrun with Ulta and Sephora gift cards, and hasn’t really found a use for them. She used to like robots, and this looks pretty cool. She likes math; would a math game be a good birthday present? (I would not like a math game for myself.) A Pokémon gift bag might be cool, if she is still into Pokémon. Although wait – shipping starts at $175? Never mind. Clearly, I do not know my niece as well as I wish I did, so I am drawing a blank. Any ideas????

Okay, that’s all I’ve got this morning, Internet! Hope your Saturday is off to a great start!

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Wednesday Randomosity: Only In Dreams Edition

I woke up crying this morning, the dream I’d been immersed in was so awful. It involved my husband being horrible to me, which is not in any way true to life, and yet which felt so incredibly real in the dream I am carrying it with me into the day. Stupid dreams and their stupid tendency to hang like a fog of despair around my head.rea Let’s try some Randomosity to see if we can shake the bad feelings loose.

  • For me, bad dreams come from stress, I think; I am stressed about the upcoming volunteer event I am chairing. Back when I worked full time, I had stress dreams much more frequently. And the stress took really horrific and violent forms in the dreams – car chases, people running after me, gun violence, driving off high bridges, gruesome death. My brain is a super fun place. So I suppose it’s an improvement, that now my dreams have turned toward making me feel like my husband no longer loves me? I don’t know. Neither type of dream is enjoyable, and they always stick with me. I feel shaky and sullen and hurt. I’m sure my husband wondered why I was being kind of cold to him this morning. I know it’s a dream, and yet it was so REAL, I cannot help but feel a little unkindly toward Waking World Husband. 
  • Perhaps even worse – or, at least, terrible in their own way – are dreams that involve casual acquaintances. Especially when they are of an erotic nature. There is nothing more embarrassing than seeing a coworker/friend’s spouse/boss/teacher in person after they have graced your dreams. 
  • Why must our brains DO this to us?! I have read some theories that dreams are our brains trying to make sense of the day. But why must they do so in the way that they do? Why can’t they translate stresses and worries and encounters into soothing images that float in gentle rhythm to the calming sounds of babbling brooks and soft harp music?
  • Speaking of music and dreams, I have “Only in Dreams” by Weezer stuck in my head. There are far worse songs to have stuck in one’s head. I love that song, and the entire album from which it comes. Probably one of my favorite albums of all time, the Blue Album. 
  • My husband was playing Weezer songs this weekend. I was sitting on the couch, reading an Agatha Christie novel on my Kindle, and he was sitting next to me, idly scrolling through Weezer songs on his phone and picking them out on his guitar. It was quite pleasant, that gentle serenade of some of my favorite songs. 
  • When I was growing up, and learning how to play the piano, I was very skeptical when my mother said she liked listening to me practice. But now that my husband is teaching himself guitar, and Carla is learning both guitar and clarinet, I have discovered that she wasn’t lying. Even when they make mistakes, even when they play certain measures over and over to get them right, I really enjoy the sound of the two of them practicing. I thought I would HATE the squawk of a poorly played clarinet, but there is much less squawking than I anticipated, and it has a really pleasant sound. Especially, perhaps, when Carla is practicing upstairs and the products of her work are floating down to me through a closed door and a stairwell. 
  • Stephany posted a link to an Ask Me Anything form the other day, and so I blatantly copied it. If you have any burning questions for me, fill out the form and I would love to try to answer them. 
  • Copying Stephany’s idea was not only a chance to engage in a little light plagiarism, but also an opportunity for me to learn a new skill. I had no idea you could use Google to create forms! Best of all, it was very easy (that is, unless you are unable to USE the form, in which case I am a hopeless Luddite). I think I forget that it’s often fun, if a little scary, to try new things. 
  • The desire to keep myself sharp and engaged by trying new things is part of the reason that I volunteered for this event in the first place. This is my second time doing it, and it will be my last. The juice, as they say, isn’t worth the squeeze. The squeeze being the stress and the resulting bad dreams. 
  • Sometimes I contemplate volunteering elsewhere. My paying work is fairly minimal and easy to manage, so I feel as though I could devote more regular time to a volunteer position. But it is so hard to find The Right Thing. Probably what it is, is that I’m scared. Do you volunteer for anything, or have you volunteered for anything in the past? I would love to know about your experiences. 
  • It’s only the second day of November, but I feel like I’m already putting in a covert effort to be part of NaBloPoMo (see San’s post if you want to learn more or join). I have every expectation of failing spectacularly; November just isn’t my month. But it’s fun to read everyone’s posts and to try, even a little, to join in. 
  • NGS is doing NaBloPoMo, but she is also doing a daily noun challenge with her good friend, and I think that’s so fun. I can’t wait to see how she addresses each noun on her list. I imagine that if I run into a post block this month, I may sneak on over to her blog to find that day’s noun and join in. 
  • How do you decide when and what to post? Some of the bloggers I read have an editorial calendar. Some seem to post regular features. I have always been what they refer to in the writing world as a “pantser.” I just… write. Posts either occur to me, or I have a compulsion to sit down and blather a bunch of nonsense into the ether, or I am curious to discuss a certain topic. But there’s really no rhyme or reason about anything I write. I write to write. To get things off my chest. To distract myself from stress. I suppose the only “regular” feature is my weekly (sometimes) Dinners This Week post, but even that falls off a cliff now and again.

Well, today writing has done the trick. The dream sadness has lifted. The sun is shining, the world is covered with a layer of leaves, and I have work to do. I hope you have a wonderful day, Internet. Thank you for reading, and in doing so, dispelling the stress.