everyday mess

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Five for Friday

1. For the month of September, I have been waking up at 5:41 and getting out of bed at 6:00. This past week, I’ve been pushing it back a teeny bit; my alarm goes off at 5:21 and I get out of bed at 5:45. The cat has been extremely accommodating in terms of hopping into bed and purring loudly at me at about 4:20. My question is, how freaking early do I need to get up to be able to DO things? 

    Things I’d like to do: Lie in bed for 15 minutes to do the Wordle and Connections and possibly read a blog or two. Make some tea. Take care of the cat. Unload the dishwasher. Write a blog post. Spend 10 minutes watching cat videos with Carla. Get dressed. Eat something. Get out the door on time (7:15). In an ideal world, I would also be able to exercise and shower before we leave for school, but that seems much too ambitious. It’s still something I’d LIKE to do, though.

    Things I have been able to do: Lie in bed to do my word games. Make tea. Take care of the cat. Spend 5-10 minutes watching cat videos with Carla. Get dressed. Eat something (sometimes). We haven’t been out the door on time since the first week of school. Admittedly, this isn’t always my issue. But lately I have been scrambling to be moderately presentable and still be 15 minutes late. 

    Possibly I can squeak back my out-of-bed time to 5:00; but even then, I don’t know if I’d be able to get in a blog post. Definitely not exercise, too. If you exercise before work or school, HOW????

    One of the reasons I want to work exercise into my morning routine is because it’s often the first thing I jettison if the day doesn’t proceed as planned. For the past two days, I didn’t exercise as planned because my days got thrown out of whack. It’s not the end of the world, or anything; I don’t set exercise goals, so I can’t fail, take that perfectionism – and I did at least manage a decent walk on Wednesday – but it’s frustrating when I’m trying to prioritise exercise for my mental, physical, and future health. (The British/Canadian spelling was accidental but I’m keeping it. I think Ses are much prettier than Zs.) Plus, “exercise” is a catch-all term that includes showering, putting on clothing an actual reasonable person might wear, and possibly even doing my hair and/or makeup. Even if I do a shorter workout, and even if I take a ten-minute shower, and even if I throw my wet hair up in a claw clip instead of drying it, the Exercise Plus Shower Plus Getting Ready routine takes about an hour. I have no earthly idea where I’d get a whole extra hour in the morning. I can’t go to bed earlier than nine; Carla’s bedtime is 8:30 and I read to her for thirty minutes. And if I went to bed promptly at nine, I would never see my husband, which is an unacceptable tradeoff for exercise. Listen, I know I don’t really have anything to complain about here. My schedule is very flexible, for the most part. I guess I just keep on working in a workout where I can, sometimes sacrificing it to the whims of life.

    2. I had a baking success and a baking flop this week. The flop was the apple honey cake I made in a nod to Rosh Hashanah. It looked lovely – although I had expected the apple-covered portion to be much darker and more caramelized; not sure why, the photo on the recipe page is not dark and caramelized – and it was fine. But it wasn’t my favorite. The crumb was too big; I think it compares in crumb size, if not exact texture, to cornbread (although my husband disagrees). And the cake had, to my tongue, no flavor. Also, the apples weren’t caramelized enough. The other thing I baked were brownies. Since I was making them for a loved one who’d just had surgery, and since this person is trying to avoid excess sugar and carbs, I decided to try a sugar-free (ish), flourless brownie. The brownies are flavored with dark chocolate, dates, and vanilla, and get their fluffiness from eggs and baking soda. I was skeptical, since I really am not a fan of dates. But they turned out SO well. They are fluffy and soft, rich and chocolatey, and perfectly satisfying. The only real difference I noted between these brownies and “regular brownies” is that they have a slight coconutty flavor (because they are made with coconut oil). Carla loved them; the person I intended them for loved them; I loved them. My husband’s reaction was “these are weird.” Next time, I might try them with butter instead of coconut oil, although I didn’t mind the coconut essence. I am definitely making them again. I like how I didn’t have to chop up the dates; I just let my food processor do all the work. 

    3. After your extremely helpful comments last week, Carla and I (and the cat) tackled her bedroom on Tuesday. We got rid of so much stuff. My strategy was to tell her that I would clean her room for her, she just had to tell me what to do. She had complete control over what stayed and what went into the donation pile (or the trash). I was so ready to get a handle on the mess that I only faltered once, when I saw a beautiful sweater I bought her just last year in the donation bag. But she’s the one who has to wear the clothes. If she’s not going to wear it, it shouldn’t be in her closet. We also got rid of tons of old socks and underthings that are way too small, and I placed a big order for replacements. Even though I said I would do all the work, Carla ended up doing a ton of stuff herself. She organized all her dresser drawers, for instance. AND she did all of her own laundry. She even said it was fun. While I don’t expect that will last, I feel so much relief that her laundry is now HER problem. Her clothing selection is much more manageable and her room looks so much better. 

    Oh hello there, you can’t seriously think this drawer would be better suited to T-shirts, can you?

    4. This weekend, a friend I haven’t seen for years is bringing her daughters to stay with us. I am so excited to see her! And her children, whom I anticipate I will hardly recognize, it’s been so long. One thing I’m trying very hard to do is to resist the little voice in my head that keeps saying, “She’s going to think you got so fat.” My friend, though it should not matter in the least except in terms of the pride I feel for her, is a tiny person to begin with. But she’s also extremely fit – like, she literally has two World records in the fitness arena. My little inner voice, which apparently ignores what a nice and non-judgy person my friend is, thinks she will judge me for being large and soft. 

    Here are my coping thoughts: When I went to my twentieth college reunion a few years ago, I was shocked by how OLD some of my classmates seemed. Some of them were balding, or had grey hair, or looked like – gasp! – middle-aged moms. It was especially shocking to see these aging people next to my dear friends, who looked exactly the same as they’d looked twenty years before. Obviously, it wasn’t that my close friends remained unchanged while people I didn’t know well had aged poorly. It was that my love imbued the people dear to me with youth and beauty that transcends time. I experienced this phenomenon more recently, when I got to see a college friend perform with his college band. The bar was packed with a bunch of half-drunk middle-aged farts. But my friend and his band were exactly as they were back in college. Love is transformative in so many ways, and I think it can allow you to see your people in their best light. The way I look at my husband, a distinguished, respected physician who brings hope and relief to so many patients, and see only the cute charming finance major I met nearly a quarter century ago. Anyway, I am trying with all my heart to believe that my fit friend is going to arrive and see past my frumpy, overweight, perimenopausal self to her dear friend of many years.

    5. I have two recent purchases to recommend. One is a fidget toy. Carla apparently saw that a classmate had one, and she wanted one, too. So I caved and got it for her. It’s not silent, per se, but it’s very quiet – just makes a soft shuck when it changes shape. And it is very cool; the shape shifting is mesmerizing. Even the cat likes it. Speaking of the cat, we bought him yet another cat toy. (The poor cat is once again hiding under the bed; it’s been a traumatic week, and he does not do well with loud sounds. This time, the loud sound was me putting ice cubes in the dryer to de-wrinkle my duvet cover. He has never scratched me before, but I have three large gashes to commemorate this particular trauma.) Anyway: this toy is perfect for him. It has a little butterfly dangler on the top, it has a couple of balls on a track that he can push around, and it has a little fringey thing who pokes his fringey face out of hidey holes at random around the circumference of the base. This toy is electronic (uses batteries or a charger) and it has several settings. With one, just the fringey guy hides and appears. Another setting turns the butterfly dangler on, so that it spins, stops, and spins the opposite way. Another setting has both things happen either at once or one after another, I haven’t figured it out yet. It will turn itself off after a few minutes if the cat ignores it for awhile, and then it turns back on as soon as he touches it. Leo LOVES this thing. I put it up on top of a cabinet when he’s not using it (so he doesn’t get bored with it – cats get bored so easily) and he will walk over to the cabinet and look longingly at it and meow until I fetch it down for him. 

    Keeping this butterfly thing AND the little fringey guy in line is a very serious endeavor.
    by

    Day in the Life: A Random Winter Saturday 

    It’s been so fun to read the latest spate of DITL posts among my blog friends, I want to join the party. Luckily, I took notes and photos for a DITL post back in January. Why haven’t I posted it until now? No idea.

    Here’s how a random winter Saturday played out.

    07:00 – My alarm goes off. I feel exhausted. I went to bed around 10:30/11:00 last night, and I only woke up once at around 3:30, so I should feel rested, but I don’t. I reset my alarm for 7:30, but can’t fall back to sleep. Instead, I do the Wordle (got it in 3) and Connections (easy peasy), then snuggle with my husband. We both drag ourselves out of bed at 7:20ish. I take all my medicines, wash my face, brush my teeth, pull on some workout clothes, and make the bed. 

    07:30 – My 7:30 alarm goes off. I kiss my husband goodbye (he’s on call this weekend, so is headed to the hospital), grab my laptop, and go down to the basement, where I fill up a glass with ice water and then head into the exercise room. I choose a Tracy Steen workout and get sweaty. The forty-minute workout takes me 50 minutes because I have to take a couple of breaks, refill my water, and rewind a couple of the exercises so I can make sure I’m doing them right. In the middle of the workout, I decide I am DONE with lunges and switch over to dead lifts. After the cooldown, I roll around on a massage ball because my left trapezius muscle is stiff and painful. 

    08:30 – I set my watch timer for thirty minutes and get on the treadmill. I open my laptop and try to write a blog post. It takes me thirty minutes to write a single bullet point. 

    09:00 – My timer goes off, I shut down the treadmill and head upstairs to make breakfast. After I rinse my sweaty face off at the kitchen sink, I have one of those “if you give a mouse a cookie” experiences: My smoothie-making equipment is in the (clean) dishwasher from the day before, and as I pull it out, I feel like I should empty the dishwasher. I resist, but I do grab a mug and turn on my kettle so I can make tea. The air fryer, which we used for Carla’s dinner last night, is on the counter where I normally make my smoothie, so I go to the dishwasher to get the clean components for the air fryer so I can put it away. While I have the dishwasher open, I feel like I should really empty it – but I resist. Then, when I’m making my smoothie, I notice that there’s hardly any honey left and I should add honey to the Costco list before I forget because I use honey every day, but as I’m thinking that, the kettle alerts me that my water is ready, and I realize I haven’t put any tea bags in the mug. As I’m getting the tea bags, I notice the time – it’s 9:10 already! – and note that Carla isn’t awake yet. I should really wake her up, but waking her up is A Process and I want to eat breakfast first, and finish the blog post I started. I make my smoothie, start this blog post, decide I want some toast. Put toast in the toaster, grab almond butter and honey. Remember that I still haven’t added honey to the Costco list. Realize the tea is probably done steeping, so I toss the tea bags, add half and half. Carla is awake! She asks me to make her some hot cocoa – this is one of the ways I am getting her to drink milk, so I’m fine with it – and then I sit down to eat my breakfast. 

    10:00 – One of my friends texted me earlier asking for narrative nonfiction recommendations. I am always happy to discuss and/or suggest books, so I spend a few minutes writing down the nonfiction I’ve read the past few years. It’s not many books and I feel like there are a TON of good ones missing from this list. 

    10:15 – While the shower is heating up, I start my French lesson. We are going to France this year and I want to brush up on the very creaky skills I learned in high school and college. As per usual, my vocabulary is pretty decent but I cannot for the life of me remember verb constructions or adverbs. 

    10:20 – It’s a hair washing day, so I lather up. I wash my hair roughly twice a week. I use Nexxus shampoo once a week and Olaplex once a week. No idea if this is doing anything to protect my color or strengthen my hair/scalp. As per usual, I shave my legs and curse this awful shower which has nothing for me to prop my foot on. I decide that balancing on one foot every day while attempting to avoid slashing my skin open with a razor is good for my balance.

    10:35 – I apply my various lotions and potions to try to soothe my constantly dry skin. Since I wrote this post on how much I spend on personal care stuff each year, I have gone completely overboard when it comes to ordering the latest It Product that such-and-such aging celebrity swears is the key to her dewy, youthful, wrinklefree skin. Right now I am using Perricone MD eye cream on my eyes twice a day and that’s IT for the fancy stuff. (Did I really spend $125 on this stuff??? I find that hard to believe but I really did go wild last year.) These days, I also use good ol’ Cerave moisturizer on my face (yes, it is night cream, but there’s no law) and Eucerin on the rest of my body. I go through Eucerin like it’s my job. Since my hair takes a million years to dry, I let it air dry awhile before I blow dry it, and apply a small amount of Aveda Smooth Infusion to keep the frizz at bay. Ah look, I use it so infrequently they’ve issued new packaging. Then I add some perfume – I’m trying to find a new signature scent – and apply mascara, eyebrow mascara, and some Tula eye brightener. 

    10:45 – I pull on a pair of daytime leggings and a T shirt. I am volunteering at a school event later, so I will probably put on jeans at some point but for now, soft pants it is.

    10:50 – There’s a load of clean laundry that I haven’t folded yet, so I dump the basket out on my bed and deal with it. It’s mostly my stuff anyway: I wear a TON of black clothes mainly because I cycle through three pairs of leggings a day. (Sleep leggings, workout leggings, post-shower leggings.) After I fold, I put all my stuff away. 

    11:00 – Carla has unloaded the dishwasher for me, so I fill it back up with dirty breakfast dishes and do a quick clean of the kitchen.

    11:10 – In my office, I finish the blog post I started earlier. Why does it take me so long to WRITE THINGS?

    11:30 – Oh goodness, we have to GO. Carla has a pre-scheduled activity! Thankfully it’s nearby. I dash into my bathroom and dry my hair. Luckily it only takes ten minutes.

    11:40 – I get in the car and wait for Carla who has realized it is only 20 degrees and she requires a sweatshirt. After I settle her at her activity, I head back home. In the car, I’m listening to The Return of Ellie Black (bookshop.org / amazon), on the recommendation of a fabulous blogger; was it you, Allison??? I’m enjoying it so far. 

    12:15 – Back at home, I notice that the house smells of pickle juice but I cannot find the source. I make a quick lunch and jot down a few notes for this post.

    12:20 – I have ninety minutes before I need to pick up Carla, so I set my timer and open up my current manuscript. 

    13:40 – After a respectable 869 words, I do a quick exchange of leggings for jeans, then leave to pick up Carla and take her to a school event. On the way out, I grab a Diet Coke for the forty-five minutes I’m about to spend in the car. I don’t even really like soda that much these days, but I find myself turning to it to help perk me up in the afternoons.

    18:40 – The school event goes longer than I anticipated; it was supposed to end at six. Even though it wasn’t difficult or even very busy, I’m cranky and hungry and overstimulated. On the drive home I am not particularly kind to or patient with Carla. Being a shitty parent exacerbates the crankiness. When we get home, the kitchen STILL smells like pickle juice. What is happening?

    19:00 – My husband is home from the hospital! Woot! It’s a fend-for-yourself night tonight, so I make some black bean tacos for myself, my husband heats up some leftover soup, and Carla eats a yogurt (she had a hotdog and lots of junk at the school event, don’t worry). The important thing (to me) is that we eat our cobbled-together meals together, at the table, and chat while we eat. (I did not get a photo of dinner, so here’s an old picture to liven up this portion of the post.)

    19:45 – After I rinse the dishes and throw them into the dishwasher, I escape to my office for a few minutes while Carla showers and my husband does some administrative work. I comment on a few blogs and make some notes for this post. 

    20:15 – Once Carla and my husband are ready, we watch an episode of Stranger Things (we’re finally on Season 4!) and chase it with an episode of Modern Family (season 1). This has become our family weekend activity and I love it. Is either show remotely appropriate for an eleven-year-old? No, not at all. 

    22:00 – Carla heads to her room to brush her teeth and hair, so I head to my bedroom to do the same thing. I also wash my face (third time today, if you’re counting) and get into soft, cozy jammies. Then I read a chapter of Mockingjay (bookshop.org / amazon) to Carla. Going to bed two hours later than she does on school nights is probably screwing up her sleep schedule, but it’s so nice to have our weekly TV time together – we just don’t get to spend much time with my husband during the week – and it’s hard for me to cut out our reading time. Carla claims she can’t sleep unless I read to her, but I also really enjoy reading. It’s a valuable pocket of connection for the two of us at the end of the day, and helps us end on a good note, even if I was a snappy, impatient, yelly mom. I’m all too aware that the days of her asking me to read to her are numbered and I want them to last as long as possible.

    22:30 – My husband is in his office, writing notes and calling patients. I make one last attempt to rid our kitchen of the pickle juice smell by scrubbing down all the countertops and cleaning the disposal with baking soda and ice. Hopefully this does the trick???

    22:45 – This has been pretty typical of our weekends lately, although I don’t often spend two-plus hours in the car on a Saturday. Maybe that’s why I’m extra tired? I take out my contacts, slather my lips with Vaseline, and moisturize my hands with O’Keefe’s. I try to read a little bit but fall asleep quickly. Another day is done. 

    by

    Seven for Saturday

    Elisabeth is leading a daily practice of gratitude with her F.I.G. Collective this month, and I have been collecting my own moments of gratitude. Sometimes well after the fact, which is less effective in sustaining gratitude day to day. But we work with what we have.

    Saturday, February 15:

    Well, this day is a total mystery to me. I did not keep track of the things I was grateful for in the moment, so I have no idea what we did during the day at all. I didn’t write. I didn’t go for a walk until around three. I’m pretty sure we made salmon burgers for dinner and then watched Mockingjay, but I couldn’t swear to it. My moments of gratitude on this day go to long walks outdoors (I at least have evidence I did that, even if I don’t remember it) and cozy evenings with my family.

    Photo by Carla, who loves the snow as much as I do.

    Sunday, February 16:

    Carla’s sports lesson was cancelled this weekend, so we got to sleep in! Then I wrote 2,700 words in my manuscript while plodding away on the treadmill. THEN Carla got invited to an impromptu sleepover, so my husband and I had an evening all to ourselves. We browsed furniture stores, sampled perfumes until our heads ached, scrapped our restaurant dinner plans and brought pizza home instead, and then watched Longlegs together. I am so grateful for time to do the things that are important to me, that Carla has a friend she adores, and that my husband and I enjoy one another’s company.

    Monday, February 17:

    This was President’s Day in the US, so Carla had the day off from school, which meant I was able to sleep in again! I had a wonderful remote writing session with a dear friend, wrote a little, and admired the fluffy snowflakes that drifted endlessly from the sky. Then I went to pick Carla up from her friend’s house, where I ended up chatting with the friend’s mom for a whole hour. On our drive home, Carla and I went to the grocery store – she needed more Eggo waffles – and I was able to get my week’s shopping out of the way, and the total cost was under $200. My throat was feeling a little scratchy and the weather was snowy and cold, so I made a big pot of Mulligatawny soup for dinner. To counterbalance my very reasonable grocery bill, I bought a few pairs of shoes to try on (and will only keep one pair, I swear); we have a trip coming up and I expect rainy weather and want comfortable, cute, stylish, and/or waterproof shoes to wear while walking around outside. I am grateful for the community of parents I belong to, for feeling so happy to have my kiddo around after her short absence, for being able to buy new shoes, and for warm soup on a wintry day.

    Tuesday, February 18:

    I slept terribly, woke up feeling crummy, and ended up canceling my hair appointment and a meetup with a friend I haven’t seen in ages. My main successes of the day were driving my kid to school and then making a big pot of chipotle chicken tortilla soup (except I made it without the chicken – I added two cans of black beans and a cup or so of frozen corn to bulk it up a bit). My mom always says chicken soup is the best cure for a cold, and, while I don’t really like traditional chicken noodle soup, this spicy soup was tasty and comforting and lasted me all week. This day made me very grateful to my hairdresser for finding another hair appointment for me in a few weeks, despite her jam-packed schedule and to my husband for picking up our child from school so I didn’t have to make another hour’s drive.

    This is a cheating photo from long ago, but it IS of the correct soup.

    Wednesday, February 19:

    I woke up feeling rotten for a second day in a row, but it was okay because my husband was able to take Carla to school! Then I had a remote writing session with my local writing partner and churned out 1,800 words, and received a fun impromptu phone call from my childhood best friend. My husband has been such a superstar about driving Carla to and from school when it works out lately (mainly because she has an after school activity that ends right when he’s usually able to leave work), and I am so grateful to him for understanding what a slog it is for me to drive two hours a day and offering to help when he can. I am also grateful to my brain for working even when my body feels like a rusty trash can, and to my writing friend for encouraging us to get together even though we couldn’t meet in person. I am extra grateful that my long distance friend and I are still so close.

    Thursday, February 20:

    I was feeling well enough to go outside and take a walk, and it was so wonderful to be outside with snowflakes cooling my face. I am so grateful that this illness was short-lived and that I live in such a beautiful place and that the temperatures are warm enough in my area for me to enjoy being outdoors. I am also grateful for Carla. I feel like I spend less and less time with her as she gets older, but this night we all ate dinner together and she urged us to make lists of Things to Do Before We Get a Cat and Things to Get for the Cat and then she made some google slides of potential cat names and it was so charming and adorable I ended up letting her stay up way past her bedtime. (If you have a cat, is there ONE ESSENTIAL THING that you are so glad you purchased for him/her?)

    I am 95% certain that my parents’ cat required maybe five things on this list.

    Friday, February 21:

    After I dropped Carla off at school, I had another remote writing session with my local friend. (Even though I felt mostly better, I didn’t want to risk exposing her to my germs.) It wasn’t the most prolific writing day, but I did meet my daily word-count goal and, more important, I got some backstory that has been pre-occupying me out of my head and onto the page. Then I spent the rest of the day cleaning Carla’s craft room, closet, bedroom, and bathroom. This was difficult and frustrating for a lot of different reasons, the worst of which is that I kept feeling infuriated with Carla for being so messy and breaking the rules (the rule she has the most trouble with is no crafting outside of the craft room), and then immediately even more furious with myself because she is the kid and I am the parent and I should be more actively coaching her through how to keep her spaces clean instead of willingly allowing the mess to get out of control until it’s so overwhelming she can’t handle it herself. But: I am very grateful to my mom, who talked to me on the phone for more than an hour while I was cleaning, which distracted me from my anger and self-loathing and caught me up on what’s going on in her life. I am grateful that I made noticeable progress against the mess AND found my favorite sweatshirt, which has been missing for months. I am grateful that I was able to take a quick walk outside around five pm and release my frustration into the crisp winter air, and that it was still light enough for my walk, and that I conversed briefly with a robin who wanted to inform me spring is on the way (along with a new round of Attack Robin issues, I’m sure, but let’s not dwell on that when we’re busy being grateful). I am grateful that Carla had an after-school event that meant my husband and I could have another date night (second in a week!!!) (this time we went to an Indian restaurant and then went to Target and Home Depot) (we are experts at romance). I am also grateful that we now own four giant storage bins in which to store all of the toys cluttering up Carla’s space.

    Trash/donations from the craft room declutter. That bear has seen some things.

    My life is full of blessings, and I am very grateful for all of them, big and small, the unexpected gifts and those I normally take for granted.