middle school is the worst

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Friday Randomosity: Distraction by Shopping and Cat Edition

I love you and appreciate you. Thank you for being here.

Here are some random thoughts cluttering up my brain this morning.

  • One of the things I most frequently say to Carla is, “Tools only help if you use them.” Well, lately I have been having a hell of a time following my own advice. I’ve been consistently waking up at about 5:30 these days, which is working for a lot of reasons (and is really working for the cat). But for some reason, this shift has caused me to repeatedly forget to take my morning medication. My medication has always been on my nightstand, and my husband is often still asleep when I creep out of the room, and I don’t want to risk waking him up by rattling a bunch of pills. Obviously, just because I have always kept my medicine on my nightstand doesn’t mean I need to continue doing so! I could move them into the bathroom, or into my office, or the kitchen. Or! I could use the pill organizer I already own – and have neglected since my summer visit to my parents’ house – and have my morning medications all ready to go in the same tiny compartment. The tool is RIGHT THERE. Why is it so difficult for me to PUT IT TO USE?
It really is a useful little fella.
  • Speaking of getting up early: I have a plan for getting up earlier. My plan is to continue waking up at the same time I do now even once the clocks change. The cat refuses to adhere to human constructs like Daylight Savings, so I know he will help me by continuing to come into my room to apply his purr-and-bite wake-up system directly to my person. This way, I will soon be waking up at 4:30, and then, MAYBE, I will be able to exercise and shower before I start my day. 
  • By the way, every time my actual alarm goes off at 5:21 and I hit snooze so I can play Wordle and Connections on my phone and cuddle my purring kitten, I think of Sarah and how she referred to this behavior as “bed rot.” The term is amusing enough (I visualize myself slowly rotting like an old zucchini) that it does not spur me out of bed immediately at 5:21, although it is visceral enough that I no longer stay in bed after my snooze alarm sounds at 5:30. Thank you, Sarah, for the motivating morning visual.  
  • My eyes have been doing this thing where they suddenly sting and start streaming tears and I can’t see properly for a long time. The phenomenon has happened maybe ten times in the past couple of years (and definitely started pre-kitten, so there is no need to blame Lenny, not that you would), but it started happening more frequently in August and September. It seems to strike out of nowhere, sometimes in the morning, sometimes later in the day. I haven’t identified any specific trigger. I do all the things: take out my contacts, remove any makeup I’m wearing, flush my eyes with water. A few times, I’ve had to lie on my back with a damp washcloth on my eyes. I reported this issue to the eye doctor who suggested eye drops for dry eyes, so I use those as a preventive measure. But it occurred to me recently that maybe I’m allergic to my mascara? I love drugstore mascaras, like Maybelline The Falsies and L’Oreal Voluminous False Fiber Lashes. In fact, I purchased a tube of Maybelline Lash Sensational Firework mascara in early September. It seemed that I mostly had these weird reactions when I was wearing mascara; maybe I was allergic to it? So I took myself to Google and read a bunch of articles about the best mascara for sensitive eyes and ended up buying this one. Yes, it is $28 (even on amazon), which is FAR more than I typically prefer to spend on my mascara. But oh how I love it! It makes my lashes nice and long. It doesn’t seem to clump. My eyes haven’t had a single reaction in the weeks I’ve been using it. And, best of all, it comes off my lashes without having to use paint thinner. I suppose it’s still early days, and my eyes could decide to revolt against this mascara… or perhaps there is something totally unrelated to mascara that is causing the stinging/tearing issue. But right now, I am in LOVE with this mascara.
  • Speaking of things I love lately, I am really into this guacasalsa from Trader Joe’s. It’s possible I’ve mentioned this before, but I forgot about it for awhile. It’s really good – slightly tangy, slightly creamy, neither guacamole nor (very mild) salsa. I love it on chicken tacos but it is good on nachos, too.
Can you spot the cat in this photo? He is obsessed with the fridge and freezer and will scamper into the kitchen any time we open them.
  • Back to discussing makeup. I have never been a person who wears foundation. I don’t like it. But it seems like maybe foundation – or other products with similar benefits to foundation – has improved since I last wore it, which was at my senior prom in 1999. What I want is something that goes on and feels like a moisturizer but has some sort of blurring/smoothing effect as to even out my skin and hide my undereye circles. What I don’t want is something that makes me skin a different color than my neck, or something that looks cakey or flaky, or something that emphasizes my wrinkles by cracking around my mouth or eyes. Does this magical product exist? Bonus points if it works with sensitive skin (my skin is prone to break outs if cosmetics even glance my way). I think I am looking for a tinted serum, but… that’s as far as I’ve gotten. What do you use?
  • Older kids are amazing part 324: Carla did all the Halloween decorating this year! I am so pleased with how it turned out. All I had to do was bring the box of Halloween decorations upstairs and she took care of the rest. Are things arranged the exact way I would have arranged them? Nope. Do I care? Not one bit. (Update: Lenny / Leo has decided the decorations don’t scare him.)
Cat and pumpkin have achieved an uneasy peace… for now.
  • Colorful leaves are not the only view I enjoy about fall. Right now, I am loving the Halloween decorations I see as I drive. While I know it’s not for everyone, Halloween is such a delightful time of year for me. I’m not even really into it the way a lot of people are, but it’s a season of pure joy (and chills) that has no expectations besides sharing a bit of candy. I love everything – the super scary scenes, the animatronic ghosts and ghouls, the yards that have a million zombies, the roving orange spotlights on people’s houses, the arrangements of pumpkin and squash, the giant skeletons, the inflatable spiders. My only question is where do people KEEP their Halloween decorations during the off season? All of my decorations (except for one stand-up ghost) fit into a single plastic bin and I love that. Some yards showcase so many skeletons and zombies, I wonder if the owners have a separate storage space just for their decorations.
These guys are going through some things.
  • It’s been super rainy this week, as befits the latter half of October. I do hope we get some warm, dry weather for Halloween. For the first time ever, Carla will be trick-or-treating at a friend’s house instead of at our house. Wait. No, for the second time ever. (We went to a friend’s house when Carla was in… pre-K? I can’t quite remember.) Even though I think Carla and her friends are kind of at that borderline age for trick-or-treating (which is not to say I oppose anyone of any age trick-or-treating) so I hope this year is spectacular for them. My kiddo has gone around and around about her costume. Originally she wanted to be one of the characters from KPop Demon Hunters, which is a phenomenon I still find baffling, but whatever, you do you, teens. Then she was waffling between Wednesday or Enid from Wednesday. She went with the latter, which seems to be a good choice; I’ve heard that KPop Demon Hunters is such a popular costume that people are having trouble finding it. And I am NOT a Make Your Own Costume person. I mean, I would support Carla in making her own costume, but I don’t sew and I’m not creative about sourcing inexpensive ways to put a costume together. Which is to say that we bought a costume online. Carla was eager to dye her hair, and I was not, so the costume element I am most excited about is a pack of colorful hair extensions. When I bought them, they were $6.99 – I price I gladly paid to prevent Carla from using hair chalk, which I loathe. Now I just have to figure out how to install (?) them in her hair so they look good! 
The kitten is FURIOUS that *I* am outside and *he* is inside.
  • What are you doing for winter outerwear these days? It was in the mid 40s (8.3 C) and raining when I went for a walk yesterday. I had to wear a heavier jacket than usual and I discovered that it is NOT waterproof. Don’t get me wrong – I adore my jacket, it’s cute, it’s comfortable, it’s lightweight, it’s super warm. And it’s not like it claims to be waterproof. It’s “water repellant.” But apparently it repels water only for so long, and then the rain soaks through into your arms. The cooler temperatures reminded me, though, that Carla needs a new winter coat this year. She’d been wearing a hand-me-down from a friend for the past two years, but now her wrists extend far beyond the sleeves so it’s time to get something new. Ugh. She also needs new snow pants and snow boots. In the past, I got her winter outerwear from Lands End – the snowpants were waterproof and had reinforced knees and I always bought them in a larger size so they would last two years. But she no longer fits in kid sizes. Wait a second – Lands End actually has sizes up to 15-16 years. AND they have a slim line. Maybe I have answered my own question! Boots though. Those are always trickier. I have SUCH a hard time buying expensive footwear when I know it’s only going to last a year. I wish I had Elisabeth’s thrifting eye, but I don’t; thrifting makes me feel overwhelmed and uncomfortable, and it’s not like I even know of any good local thrift shops. Which snow boots do you wear and/or buy for your kids?
  • Let’s talk about something that’s unrelated to spending money! Carla has a parent / teacher conference coming up and, as usual, I am anxious about it. Her school doesn’t do conferences with individual teachers, although I assume I could set some up if I wanted to. Instead, we meet with a teacher who sees her for something like homeroom. Fortunately, this homeroom teacher is also Carla’s instructor for a core class, so at least I can get some in-depth understanding of how she’s doing in one key subject. I never feel prepared or satisfied for conferences. The teachers usually have a prepared list of things they go through, and then answer questions. But we only have thirty minutes together, and a homeroom teacher can only address so many things about a class she doesn’t teach. Carla is having a tough year on several different fronts, so I really want to understand how I can support her at home, but I don’t know the right questions to ask or how to find a balance between support system and helicopter mom. The whole thing stresses me out. Parenting is IMPOSSIBLE. It is so hard to see your child struggle and not be able to step in and fix everything. Ah, okay, now I understand why I just want to write about frivolous shopping needs. Much less stressful.
  • It’s Friday and I still have yet to make a single phone call on my list. The anxiety of making the phone call is a big part of the battle, but the other half is the knowledge that one phone call rarely resolves anything. As Birchie said when I first moaned about not wanting to make any of these calls, “Up to the point where I make the call, it’s just one item on my to-do list. Once I make the call the task expands to 10 items.” PREACH. And yet I do need to make these stupid calls. One of them should be fairly simple: scheduling our flu and Covid shots. Carla’s pediatrician will provide shots to parents, too, which is fabulous. I am going to make this call today. I am. Ugh. I should probably also schedule our furnace check-up. That should be a pretty easy one. The others can wait until next week / never. Are there any phone calls you are delaying? 
  • Have you “inherited” any weirdly specific things from your parents? The other night, I was writing down the word “believe” for Carla (for some reason I could not remember how to spell it without looking at it; my brain is SO fuzzy these days), and then I caught sight of it the next morning and thought for a moment that my mom had written it. Somehow, she and I have very similar handwriting. How? Is handwriting a genetic trait?
I didn’t say my handwriting was *legible.*

Okay, that’s all I’ve got for now. What random things are rattling around in your mind today?

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Weigh-In Wednesday: Mean Kids IRL

Are you walking with Elisabeth today? I haven’t gotten my walk in yet, but I have one planned for this morning with my dear friend K. 

Carla and I got outside after dinner last night for a quick walk around our neighborhood. The topic? Mean kids. 

Oh, how grateful I am that I am not in middle school any more. I would not go back to middle school for anything, that’s for sure. Or high school. It’s a miracle that any of us survives. 

My memory of middle school is that I was neither popular enough to be “in” with the popular crowd nor enough of an outcast to be a target. But oh how I remember the popular crowd. Supposedly, there are two kinds of popularity: popularity through status and popularity through likability. While I can think of someone in high school who was most definitely the latter, the middle school ruling class seemed to operate through some complicated algorithm of beauty, power, and skill (at sports or academics or arts) that I’ve never quite been able to understand. 

A few people seemed to always remain at the top of the popularity pyramid. They were the ones who had the ability to demote people from inner circle to outcast, or to promote people from unknown to one of the in-crowd. It seemed so capricious, the way people shifted positions. And the thing I didn’t understand then – and am no better at understanding as an adult – is how people could be nakedly mean to others, but if they were popular, other kids simply followed their lead. 

One of my friends has a kid who has been bullied, on and off, for several years. It breaks my heart just to hear about it; of course it must be a thousand times worse for my friend, and even more awful for her kid. Our school has a very clear No Bullying policy, with a structured response system… maybe it makes an immediate difference in how kids treat each other, but it doesn’t seem to deter repeated bullying in the long term. 

Bullying is, of course, its own horrific animal. But there’s also just run-of-the-mill mean. Saying you can’t sit next to them at lunch. Ignoring you in the hall. Whispering with another friend in front of you. Consistently rejecting your ideas. Deriding your appearance or behavior or belongings. Being mean to you in private but pleasant to you in person, so complaining makes you delusional or over-sensitive. And this is all in-person stuff. The sky is the limit for how nasty kids can be via digital means!

My memory is terrible – which is a blessing when it comes to some things. I can’t remember specific incidents in middle school. But I do remember the mean girls. How you could so easily fall from grace, for no greater blunder than wearing the wrong color shirt.

I could be misremembering, but it seems like my parents’ catch-all advice was “ignore them and they’ll go away.” Which is decent advice, as far as advice goes… and is also nearly impossible to do when you’re in middle school. 

How DO you deal with mean kids in middle school???? 

Carla and I watched a bunch of YouTube videos together, purporting to offer techniques. We discussed the possible sources of meanness, and talked through a bunch of potential ways she could react to the current mean girl. Unfortunately, all the things I could come up with weren’t workable for some reason or other. Which I get. When you’re in middle school, things like friend groups and who sits where and what you can say to one another feel very rigid. For instance, one of Carla’s great strengths is that she is friendly with pretty much everyone, so I suggested she simply sit at a different table with another friend. But it sounds like there’s no precedent for moving among different friend groups, especially at lunch time. 

How do you deal with mean people as an adult? 

Fortunately, I haven’t had a lot of experience with mean people as an adult. And, even more fortunately, it is MUCH easier to avoid mean people as an adult. (It’s trickier when the mean person in question is a colleague, and the only tactics I’ve used in those cases are a) scrupulous professionalism and b) finding a new job.) On rare occasions, I’ve been able to call someone out (in an admittedly timid, conflict-averse way), saying something like, “Wow, that sounded pretty harsh.” Or “That hurt my feelings.” Or, in the case of comments about other people, “That person is my friend, so I’d prefer not to discuss her when she’s not here.” My best strategy is to be briskly friendly when I encounter the mean person, but to limit my interactions with them to the absolute minimum. 

Years ago, there was a person in my circle who had some mean girl qualities. The main one was gossiping about people behind their backs. (Which, of course, made me highly reluctant to share anything with her about myself.) One day, she made a completely thoughtless comment about my friend who died. I was shocked, but in the moment, I was able to push back gently, saying something like, “Yikes. That probably didn’t come out the way you intended it!” only to have her double down. That was when I began disentangling myself from her for good.

But of course, when you’re in middle school, it’s nearly impossible to extricate yourself from a relationship with a mean kid! They are always there! In your classes, in the hallway, in the lunchroom, on the playground! In many cases, they are in your friend group – and why should you have to jettison your entire friend group because one person is a jerk? Middle school power dynamics make it difficult to oust someone from the top of the popularity pyramid… and, even if you manage to do it, where does that leave you? With a shiny new Mean Girl label on your chest?

It stinks so much when my kid is struggling and my only advice is “ignore it and it will go away.” Or “there will be a time after this.” Those things are so much harder to implement when you are twelve than when you are forty-three. There are lots of recommendations to have empathy for the mean kid, who must surely be mean because they feel bad about themselves or have something bad going on in their own lives. Empathy is important, don’t get me wrong. Carla and I have talked a ton about what might be driving mean behavior and how we should feel more pity than anger toward someone who’s mean. But empathy doesn’t fix the meanness.

Are there any books that offer real, usable advice? We already own several from the American Girl “Wellbeing” series, and I think I’m going to order this one as well. Now I’m worried that Carla might be too old for American Girl books. Perhaps I should also get her this one. And this one, too. (I always turn to books for advice, which makes me feel kind of like a dinosaur. But I can’t stop. And I do sometimes find Carla reading through the advice books I’ve gotten her, so I know she is aware of them and has turned to them in times of need.)

Is there any advice for parents whose kids are dealing with mean kids??? When my friend told me about her kid being bullied, all I could do was listen. I had no advice. She’s doing All The Things she can do besides switching schools; the bullying still happens. She’s read all the same stuff I have, about how the most important thing for kids being bullied is that they have a secure home life to turn to for support. She knows as well as I do that kids grow and change, popularity shifts. That her kid will eventually find Their People. That sometimes the only way out is through. 

But oh, how impossibly hard that is. Especially when it’s your child’s soul that’s suffering.