Worries

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Weigh-In Wednesday: Mean Kids IRL

Are you walking with Elisabeth today? I haven’t gotten my walk in yet, but I have one planned for this morning with my dear friend K. 

Carla and I got outside after dinner last night for a quick walk around our neighborhood. The topic? Mean kids. 

Oh, how grateful I am that I am not in middle school any more. I would not go back to middle school for anything, that’s for sure. Or high school. It’s a miracle that any of us survives. 

My memory of middle school is that I was neither popular enough to be “in” with the popular crowd nor enough of an outcast to be a target. But oh how I remember the popular crowd. Supposedly, there are two kinds of popularity: popularity through status and popularity through likability. While I can think of someone in high school who was most definitely the latter, the middle school ruling class seemed to operate through some complicated algorithm of beauty, power, and skill (at sports or academics or arts) that I’ve never quite been able to understand. 

A few people seemed to always remain at the top of the popularity pyramid. They were the ones who had the ability to demote people from inner circle to outcast, or to promote people from unknown to one of the in-crowd. It seemed so capricious, the way people shifted positions. And the thing I didn’t understand then – and am no better at understanding as an adult – is how people could be nakedly mean to others, but if they were popular, other kids simply followed their lead. 

One of my friends has a kid who has been bullied, on and off, for several years. It breaks my heart just to hear about it; of course it must be a thousand times worse for my friend, and even more awful for her kid. Our school has a very clear No Bullying policy, with a structured response system… maybe it makes an immediate difference in how kids treat each other, but it doesn’t seem to deter repeated bullying in the long term. 

Bullying is, of course, its own horrific animal. But there’s also just run-of-the-mill mean. Saying you can’t sit next to them at lunch. Ignoring you in the hall. Whispering with another friend in front of you. Consistently rejecting your ideas. Deriding your appearance or behavior or belongings. Being mean to you in private but pleasant to you in person, so complaining makes you delusional or over-sensitive. And this is all in-person stuff. The sky is the limit for how nasty kids can be via digital means!

My memory is terrible – which is a blessing when it comes to some things. I can’t remember specific incidents in middle school. But I do remember the mean girls. How you could so easily fall from grace, for no greater blunder than wearing the wrong color shirt.

I could be misremembering, but it seems like my parents’ catch-all advice was “ignore them and they’ll go away.” Which is decent advice, as far as advice goes… and is also nearly impossible to do when you’re in middle school. 

How DO you deal with mean kids in middle school???? 

Carla and I watched a bunch of YouTube videos together, purporting to offer techniques. We discussed the possible sources of meanness, and talked through a bunch of potential ways she could react to the current mean girl. Unfortunately, all the things I could come up with weren’t workable for some reason or other. Which I get. When you’re in middle school, things like friend groups and who sits where and what you can say to one another feel very rigid. For instance, one of Carla’s great strengths is that she is friendly with pretty much everyone, so I suggested she simply sit at a different table with another friend. But it sounds like there’s no precedent for moving among different friend groups, especially at lunch time. 

How do you deal with mean people as an adult? 

Fortunately, I haven’t had a lot of experience with mean people as an adult. And, even more fortunately, it is MUCH easier to avoid mean people as an adult. (It’s trickier when the mean person in question is a colleague, and the only tactics I’ve used in those cases are a) scrupulous professionalism and b) finding a new job.) On rare occasions, I’ve been able to call someone out (in an admittedly timid, conflict-averse way), saying something like, “Wow, that sounded pretty harsh.” Or “That hurt my feelings.” Or, in the case of comments about other people, “That person is my friend, so I’d prefer not to discuss her when she’s not here.” My best strategy is to be briskly friendly when I encounter the mean person, but to limit my interactions with them to the absolute minimum. 

Years ago, there was a person in my circle who had some mean girl qualities. The main one was gossiping about people behind their backs. (Which, of course, made me highly reluctant to share anything with her about myself.) One day, she made a completely thoughtless comment about my friend who died. I was shocked, but in the moment, I was able to push back gently, saying something like, “Yikes. That probably didn’t come out the way you intended it!” only to have her double down. That was when I began disentangling myself from her for good.

But of course, when you’re in middle school, it’s nearly impossible to extricate yourself from a relationship with a mean kid! They are always there! In your classes, in the hallway, in the lunchroom, on the playground! In many cases, they are in your friend group – and why should you have to jettison your entire friend group because one person is a jerk? Middle school power dynamics make it difficult to oust someone from the top of the popularity pyramid… and, even if you manage to do it, where does that leave you? With a shiny new Mean Girl label on your chest?

It stinks so much when my kid is struggling and my only advice is “ignore it and it will go away.” Or “there will be a time after this.” Those things are so much harder to implement when you are twelve than when you are forty-three. There are lots of recommendations to have empathy for the mean kid, who must surely be mean because they feel bad about themselves or have something bad going on in their own lives. Empathy is important, don’t get me wrong. Carla and I have talked a ton about what might be driving mean behavior and how we should feel more pity than anger toward someone who’s mean. But empathy doesn’t fix the meanness.

Are there any books that offer real, usable advice? We already own several from the American Girl “Wellbeing” series, and I think I’m going to order this one as well. Now I’m worried that Carla might be too old for American Girl books. Perhaps I should also get her this one. And this one, too. (I always turn to books for advice, which makes me feel kind of like a dinosaur. But I can’t stop. And I do sometimes find Carla reading through the advice books I’ve gotten her, so I know she is aware of them and has turned to them in times of need.)

Is there any advice for parents whose kids are dealing with mean kids??? When my friend told me about her kid being bullied, all I could do was listen. I had no advice. She’s doing All The Things she can do besides switching schools; the bullying still happens. She’s read all the same stuff I have, about how the most important thing for kids being bullied is that they have a secure home life to turn to for support. She knows as well as I do that kids grow and change, popularity shifts. That her kid will eventually find Their People. That sometimes the only way out is through. 

But oh, how impossibly hard that is. Especially when it’s your child’s soul that’s suffering. 

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Routine Doctors Appointments

Why have my insurance plan and my annual schedule conspired to make January the month when I have All the Appointments? I was trying to make plans to write with a writing friend and I looked at the calendar and it is PACKED. I feel like January is nearly over and it has only just begun. 

One of my upcoming appointments is with my OB/GYN, and I have been steeling myself to insist a little more forcefully that I believe I am in perimenopause. You will likely not recall that last year, my tentative questions about it were dismissed due to my age. The array of symptoms that seem to be perimenopause-related continues to grow, so I just want to confirm that a) yes, this is happening and b) there is nothing I can really DO about any of it, beyond what I am already doing. (TMI note: I take oral contraceptives which both prevent a period, so I don’t have that to clue me in as to actual menopause, and, according to the OB/GYN, oral contraceptives are supposedly the first line of defense against perimenopause symptoms anyway.) I had also been steeling myself to ask for a physical exam this year, should it be bewilderingly optional as it was last year, but I am pleased I am relieved I see from last year’s post that I should expect a pap test this year so that shouldn’t be an issue.

The other upcoming appointment is with a new-to-me internist. I have been mildly fretting about the appointment for, oh, several months now. I am eager to have a primary care physician again; my last PCP, whom I adored, prescribed me a new medication two Decembers ago, then went on leave until March, then left her practice to become a concierge physician. I love her enough that I strongly considered following her to her new practice, but I did not. Anyway, I have ostensibly been without a PCP since December of 2023. The old practice has been kindly refilling my prescription all this time, but I will be relieved to have a regular doctor again. (Yes, it has taken me since approximately March of 2024 to get in to see a new physician. This is both because I wanted a doctor whose office is closer to where I live now and because I wanted the specific provider my husband recommended.)

The thing I am fretting about is that this appointment is about establishing me as a patient… but I also have A List of things to discuss with the doctor. So I am worrying both about coming across as someone the new doc wants to have as a patient… and about addressing my concerns. 

Is the first fret ridiculous? Yes, yes it is. I can acknowledge that without being able to eliminate it from my worry database. I am sure this doctor sees a thousand middle-aged women just like me; I am not going to be any more or less desirable as a patient. Plus, physician’s job is to deal with the patient in front of them, not reject them based on some sort of Simon Cowellian checklist. (Is Simon Cowell still a contemporary reference?) And in any case, physicians treat patients all the time that they might not otherwise hang out with or befriend; we do not need to be besties. 

STILL. I want to make a good first impression. That’s weird, right? And yet, there it is. 

Let’s move on to the less-ridiculous portion of my frets, which is how to address all the things I want to address without overwhelming the doctor or myself, and without doing that thing where I make a careful list and then get to item three and suddenly feel like I’m overstaying my welcome or talking too much or whatever. I cannot tell you how many times I have gone to see a doctor with Very Specific Things To Discuss, and have decided in the moment that they are silly and I won’t bother the doctor with them. Even when I bring a written list with me, I still do this. 

(You might think that having grown up with a physician for a parent, and then marrying a physician would negate some of the awkwardness I feel when at the doctor. But no.) 

Since three seems to be the magic number, I think I have narrowed my Must Discuss List to three topics: 

  1. Fatigue. I am tired all the time. Like, more tired than in years past. (I feel like I’ve been chronically tired since at least 2012.) So tired that I see the effects of the tiredness in other areas of my life. Is this… The result of a medication I’m taking? A symptom of perimenopause? A deficiency of iron or vitamin D or something else? Because I am terrible at sleeping? Subset of the previous: it is because of my horrifically restless legs? Is the terrible sleeping a result of poor sleep hygiene? Or perimenopause? Or some lifestyle choice I am making? Is the tiredness (and/or terrible sleeping and/or restless legs) fixable? Or is this just my current phase of life (The Tired Phase) and I need to accept and lean into it? 
  2. Medication. I started taking anxiety medication in December 2023 after a series of escalating panic attacks. The medication has been very helpful. I think I am in a less anxious state now than I was then; is it time to try to discontinue the medication? If so, how do I do that? And what happens if I decide it was a terrible plan to discontinue it? Yes, 2023 was a wildly exciting and action-packed year which ended spiking my anxiety to new heights, but it’s not like I was NOT anxious before that. I am not opposed to taking medication when it is helpful, but I also don’t really want to take medication if I don’t need to.
  3. Weight. Due to some fairly significant weight gain over the past year, I am heavier than I have ever been in my life. Aside from not being pleasant in a variety of ways for a variety of reasons, I am wondering if I need to Be Worried. Is my weight gain a side effect of the aforementioned anxiety medication? A symptom of perimenopause? The result of too many nachos? Something else? Is it causing any problems I should be aware of, aside from the expected and unwelcome not-fitting-into-my-clothing and poor-self-esteem issues? (Like perhaps my extreme tiredness?) Beyond trying to eat less and move my body more, is there anything I should be doing?

You may notice that this very tidy list of three contains many, many subtopics. That feels a little like cheating. (I imagine myself telling the new doctor, “I want to discuss three health concerns with you!” and then bombarding her with restless legs! and perimenopause symptoms! and anxiety! and insomnia! as she crumples to the floor under the weight of my hypochondria.) (Yes, I do realize this is not how doctors work.)

You may also notice that “weight” is at the bottom of the list, in case three topics ends up feeling like too many topics with which to burden the doctor. (I know; I cannot stop thinking this way.) I put it at the bottom because it is the topic that, to me, seems to have the most obvious solution (eat less and move your body more), and also because it is the topic that I feel least comfortable bringing up. It’s such an uncomfortable topic! And possibly the doctor will bring it up anyway, without me having to say anything. 

I have a new, third fret: that I will inadvertently turn my New Patient Appointment into a Sick Visit. Why yes, this fret IS brought to you by two weeks of my family being sick plus waking up at four o’clock this morning with a terrible headache and a sore throat that feels worse than yesterday’s mildly scratchy throat and ear pain and a low-grade fever. 

What happens if I AM sick for my appointment? Is that… allowed? I feel like the “rules,” insofar as I (don’t) understand them are that you can’t be treated by a new physician until you have established with them as a patient. This is why I have been scrupulously healthy this year, because I would much rather go see my PCP than visit urgent care. 

If I AM sick for my appointment, then identifying/treating that illness probably jumps to the top of my list of concerns… but can I also address the other less-urgent topics?

Should I perhaps be badgering my husband with these questions instead of fretting about them on the internet? I mean, yes, but what is the internet for if not for airing ridiculous worries.

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Annual Pre-Birthday Fret

Carla’s birthday is a little more than a month away and I have NOTHING planned. Usually by this point, I have fretted all over this little blog about theme and where to find theme-appropriate napkins and how difficult it was to pin down a venue and which cake I’m going to make. But this year, I have… nothing. 

(Not even a cake request, which is very un-Carla! And perhaps… perhaps this is the year I outsource the cake baking????)

Part of the problem – maybe the MAIN part – is that Carla doesn’t have any sort of specific desire for a party this year. I mean, she wants A Party. But she hasn’t said “I want a tea party” or “let’s all play LEGOs” or “I want to paint pottery!” or whatever. I am not a creative person, when it comes to birthdays. All my creativity crumples into dust beneath the anxiety of planning an event and executing that event and then attending said event with multiple other humans, all of whom I am expected to interact with. 

The only things at all that Carla has expressed interest in are a) a sleepover and b) a party at our house, featuring a treasure hunt. 

Treasure Hunt: When Carla’s cousin was here recently, I made a treasure hunt for them. I’ve done one another time, when I hosted three other families and did a treasure hunt for the kids. I LIKE making treasure hunts. But the older the kids get, the more challenging it is to create clues that won’t stump them, but will take more than five seconds to solve. 

Plus, while I am fine chasing my one niece and my one child around our very safe cul-de-sac while they look for clues, I don’t know a) how I would feel about chasing multiple nine-year-olds around the neighborhood or b) how other parents might feel about their kids being let loose into the wild.

It is almost more challenging to come up with prizes for this age group. Although I suppose if Carla lands on a theme, I could find something that works. 

The biggest challenge of all with treasure hunts is making them long enough. You can make 20 clues and have the kids run up and down the stairs and around the cul-de-sac and it still ends up taking them under 15 minutes to finish. Which is quite deflating when it takes MUCH LONGER THAN THAT to create the clues and hide them.

Party at Our House: The main issue, though, is that I don’t want to have a party at my house. I find the idea of a bunch of kids invading my space SO stressful, even though it shouldn’t be. 

All my birthday parties when I was growing up took place at my house. And they were wonderful! I remember, when I was really little, playing games like Pin the Tail on the Donkey, or drop a pin in a bucket while blindfolded. My mother made treasure hunts, which is probably where I learned to love them. 

My mom was fantastic about birthday parties, my whole life. She always did something fun and delightful. My favorite childhood birthday was the one where she bought a little Troll doll for each guest and we all sat around my kitchen table and decorated them. I seem to remember that it was a contest, but… I’m sure she found some way to make it so that everyone won. 

(Is there a Troll-doll equivalent that today’s nine-year-olds would like?)

There’s also a bit of Keeping Up with the Joneses going on, I can admit. Carla’s classmates often have very impressive parties – think bouncy houses and country clubs and backyard pools. Most of Carla’s friends live in enormous homes with beautiful properties. When we’ve been invited over for parties, there are gorgeous decorations and catered food. Our backyard is (currently) a marsh, and gets so incredibly hot in the summer that it’s not really comfortable for guests. Our outdoor furniture is old and mismatched and we don’t have the ziplines or stone patios or pools that many people have. Our house itself is smallish and somewhat in disrepair – both facts that seem glaringly obvious when we have other people over. Plus, after hosting Carla’s first two or three birthday parties here, I find decorating SO stressful it’s just not even worth it. I want the Instagram/Pinterest-worthy party, but I am not great at executing that level of creativity/cuteness. I suppose I could pay someone else to do it, but that sounds pricey.

If I could be certain that all the parents would just roll up to our driveway and toss their kids out the door and leave… I might feel a little bit better. Kids in general aren’t super judgmental – I don’t remember noticing the décor or size or quality of furniture at any of my friends’ houses – and I think as long as they got to roam around and eat cake, they would be okay. Maybe this is the age where parents would feel okay dropping them off? Maybe this is the perfect time for me to get away with a banner and a couple of balloons and maybe a colorful tablecloth and not do anything else???

I don’t know. Even if it were just kids, I think I would find it very anxious-making. I much prefer going to a specific place that has employees who entertain the kids or supervise an activity and then going home to my quiet, clean, one-kid-only home.

To recap: it feels like having a party HERE would require a) outsourcing and spending a lot of money or b) doing things myself and becoming very stressed AND probably spending a lot of money. I want to avoid it… but I don’t have any alternate ideas. It feels like we’ve exhausted the typical birthday party venues… and I’ve tried looking for others with no success. 

The new Jurassic World movie is coming out around her birthday, and Carla is desperate to see it. Our local movie theaters were allowing people to rent them out for birthdays… but I haven’t looked into whether they are still doing that. Plus, I don’t know how many of Carla’s friends’ parents would allow them to see a Jurassic World movie (nor how many of her friends would actually want to see it). That may be something the three of us do as a family. 

Sleepover: Probably the best compromise would be hosting a sleepover. The reason this feels like a compromise is that I would limit Carla to one or two friends, so it would be less stressful. Presumably. But… then she would have to choose just one or two friends, and she’s a kid who has a LOT of friends, so I don’t know how she would choose. In this time of Covid, would anyone even be comfortable with that (not that they aren’t sharing the same air every day at school)? And my beloved child is a person whose energy level escalates in direct proportion to how tired she is, so I am imagining that NO ONE would sleep at all. Not that you are expected to sleep much at a sleepover, but… no sleep sounds pretty dreadful for all involved, including the poor parents who would be collecting their exhausted children the next day. 

Plus… what do you DO for a nine-year-old sleepover? The only sleepovers I remember (and, bless my parents, sometimes I had MANY friends sleep over) involved activities like calling boys on my phone or watching scary movies or playing with my Ouija board… all of which seem a little mature for this age group. 

A few of my friends-who-are-parents don’t do a party at all for their kids. For some, this is just the way it is. For others, maybe some years it works out and some years it doesn’t. I wish we could go this route! But I know Carla LOVES a party, so I’m not sure she would roll with it. 

As usual, the VAST BULK of this stress is mine. I know Carla wouldn’t really care about any of the things that bother me. I know her friends wouldn’t really care, I know even the most judgmental of parents would only turn up their noses for a few seconds before forgetting about me entirely. And yet I cannot talk myself out of feeling the stress. 

So here I am, doing nothing but fretting, as the weeks tick by.