In the car this morning, I kept trying to think of things that would fit in a “running on” category: fumes, empty, Dunkin’, sentences… although the last one is really “run on” while the first two seem pretty specifically “running on.” I’m not super clear on the semantics of the Dunkin’ jingle. Anyway, I may have a bit of a Connections addiction. Oooh! Adrenaline!
Running on fumes is stuck in my brain because that’s all I’ve got in the tank at the moment. To switch metaphors: my social battery is drained. And I cannot see when I’ll have time to recharge it.
I feel like I JUST WROTE ABOUT THIS, “this” being my currently intense feeling of over-scheduled overwhelm. You’ve heard it already. You’ve likely LIVED IT already. It’s nothing new, we’re all dealing with All The Things, and yet, this is what’s on my mind so I’m going to vent about it.
And yes, I DO feel like a cliche, and I do feel mildly ridiculous because I only have the one child and the one husband and the zero full-time jobs, and I also still feel like I need a solid stretch of people-free time or I am going to lose my mind.
This morning I cancelled a get-together with a close friend because I just couldn’t. And I’m feeling guilty, even though she was not only completely understanding, but also praised me for being honest about what I needed (she is a really good friend), because I feel Time With Friends should be a top priority, and apparently it isn’t.
Or maybe it is a top priority, it’s just… trumped by other priorities? I don’t know. Priorities kind of suck, because by their very nature you are putting some things ahead of other things and the things that are lower on the list are bound to get their feelings hurt.
You know what? I think part of my issue is that one of things that has moved above “Time With Friends” on the list is something that I don’t even enjoy. And yet, it’s inextricable from one of my very uppermost priorities, which is My Kid.
My kid, as you know from all my whining of late, is in a fall sport. It is important to me that I attend her games.
Here I feel compelled to make a little pit stop in Toleranceville, whose town motto is Just Because It’s Important to Me Doesn’t Mean It Needs to Be Important to You.
It is important to me to attend Carla’s games. It is also important to me, for Reasons, that we attend the games of her teammates. (Long, complicated, and boring story short: There are three separate teams, which means that, on any given day, there could be three separate games.)
These things are important to me, and therefore we are making them work. But it sucks. It sucks because sometimes Carla and I are stuck at a middle school sporting venue for up to three hours at a time. It sucks because Carla – as I previously mentioned – has a shitload of homework this year. It sucks because my butt and back hate the bleachers, and I keep forgetting to bring my cushy stadium seat with me from the car.
It also sucks because I am sometimes socializing with other parents for two to three hours at a time. The other parents are lovely, and we cheer each other’s kids on, and chat about schoolwork and friendship drama and hair products.
But this is too much socializing. I am not cut out for this volume of socializing!
My preferred level of socializing: One to two hours a week of chit-chat with a friend in person, maybe another thirty to sixty minutes of chatting via phone with another friend. In the course of an ideal week, I might also enjoy spending time with my parents for an hour or two. Maybe I could swing two social events in one week, if they were separated by a buffer of several days.
That’s a total of about five hours of social interaction (not counting time with my husband and daughter).
Let’s look at the reality, starting a week ago today:
- One hour and forty-five minutes of school meetings
- Four hours of hosting an impromptu pool party featuring five children and one adult
- Five hours of sports events
- Six and a half hours of one-on-one conversation
- Seven hours of social commitments
That’s more than an entire day’s worth of interacting with other people.
I realize that for a lot of people, twenty-four hours of interpersonal communication doesn’t sound like a lot. If you work full time outside the home, for instance, spending forty hours a week with other people is standard. (I honestly cannot fathom how I ever worked in an office.) But in my case, this past week, I’ve experienced nearly 500% more social time than my ideal. And I’m looking down the barrel of three more hours of sports-mom social time this afternoon.
I would like to hole up in a dark, silent room with my cat and a pile of books until January, please and thank you.
Since that’s not feasible, I have been looking at the calendar with an eye to trimming things back. But this is where things get messy. While the prevailing advice seems to be along the lines of “put on your own oxygen mask first” and “don’t be afraid to say no” and “treat self-care as non-negotiable,” it’s not quite as easy to implement as it sounds.
In the next two weeks alone, we have a fancy event, to which we RSVPed a long time ago; please trust me when I say that we cannot back out without serious consequences. We have family commitments – including house guests staying for a few days – and a birthday celebration that feel important to stick with. I have a physical therapy follow-up and a hair appointment and an appointment with the sleep specialist – all of which are varying levels of Necessary, and all of which take a lot of social energy. Carla, of course, has ongoing sporting events and an upcoming musical performance. There are various school events that I need to attend, and please believe me that I am shirking PLENTY of them and only planning to attend the really necessary ones. When I look at this normal if lengthy list of upcoming events, all I can see are the hours and hours and hours of energy I will need to summon for listening and responding and acting like a reasonable human.
There are a bunch of things that need to be on the calendar that aren’t yet, because I am dreading adding MORE to the schedule: a meeting to discuss the end-of-lease procedure for my car, an appointment with someone about a potential allergy, a follow-up appointment with a doctor, a meeting with our contractor about our roof replacement, a phone call with the garage door installer, a conversation about next steps to address the fucking pool leak. There are relationship maintenance things that keep getting relegated to “later,” like a catch-up phone call with my childhood best friend, a dinner with friends we need to reciprocate, the long-discussed-but-never-materialized-drinks with neighbors. And literally ALL of my creative pursuits have been suspended for now – unless you count the latest drivel I’ve posted, which, well, it’s something, I guess.
I feel like some things are easier to cancel or reschedule than others. I feel like some people are more understanding than others. And yet it feels bad and wrong and taking-advantage-of to, essentially, de-prioritize those events and people simply because it’s easier to do so.
The friend I bailed on this morning: I knew she would understand. But I cherish our friendship and I want to prioritize our time together. Plus, even the most understanding friend is bound to feel hurt and inferior and unwanted if she keeps getting cut. However… if I’m completely depleted from all these other commitments, I can’t give 100% to her anyway, which isn’t fair. Is it better to postpone our time together until I can focus on her? Shouldn’t I be trying to edit out the things that are less crucial over the longterm – like sitting in the bleachers for three hours a night??? Except that feels important for reasons that I cannot fully articulate, reasons related to sportsmanship and being a team player and supporting others and showing my kid that sometimes you do the thing you feel is right even if it’s not the easy thing. Reasons that other parents have clearly deemed less important to them than things like eating dinner together or focusing on homework first or getting to bed at a reasonable time. And, to be clear, I get why other parents are emphasizing the things they are! Those things are also important! Don’t make me take us back to Toleranceville!
My writing – I feel especially guilty about putting that on the backburner. I am well aware of the advice to treat your creative work like a job and no matter what, get your butt in the chair and be consistent, and I am doing none of those things. Does that mean it’s really not as important to me as I’d like to think it is? Does that mean I’m prioritizing the wrong things? Or does it mean that I’m an inveterate people pleaser, and sacrificing the things that affect only me instead of the things that affect other people feels more doable than trying to put myself first?
I’m not expecting you to resolve this for me. (The obvious answer is Don’t go to three hours of sports, but that is not the route I am choosing, even if you think I am being insane.) I’m not expecting me to resolve it for me. I think I just have to power through until the end of the sports season, and hope that whatever comes next is less socially demanding. Maybe I need to buy myself this, as a heads up for anyone I encounter.
Oh my God, Suzzane! MY social battery is exhausted just reading what you are dealing with! I won’t offer any “fixes”, I’m just here to commiserate with you.
You have a lot going on right now! I am sorry that it’s so much. That would be a lot for almost anyone, but extra too much for an introvert.
When my daughter was in High School and on the cheer team, I used to invite one of my friends to the games with me. We had time together, we got to cheer on my daughter, so it was a win-win. And it was more fun for me than chatting with the other parents, as rude as that sounds. Might you invite your friend to spend that time with you, especially the games where Carla is playing, so Carla won’t be sitting with you?
Also, I had another friend who was so overwhelmed with busy, I just took an afternoon and went on her errands with her. We had time to chat, she got her errands done, and we didn’t have to try to carve out extra time.
Just a few ideas for finding time where it doesn’t seem like there is any, and they may not work for you, but worth a try! Good luck with getting through all of it!
Can you hide in a bathroom during a game which Carla isn’t playing in – at least for a little while? I am a very bad sports mom – I don’t go to practices, I don’t do away games unless I have to drive my kid, and I spend a lot of time wandering in the hallways looking at art work and displays to get a break. So I’m probably not the best role model!
I hope you can find a way through this incredibly busy schedule with grace!
I am so sorry you’re experiencing this. I do remember those days of sports with our daughter. I DID choose to lessen the amount of games I attended at certain times, explaining to her the reason but I understand, too, if you choose not to. I don’t really have any advice for you other than “hang in there. The sports will end before you know it. ” Smiley face.
As a (retired) classroom teacher and parent to a dancer and a gymnast, I can relate to those overwhelming times when I sometimes did spend an unnecessary amount of time in the bathroom, just to get a little peace and solitude. I can feel guilty about a lot, so my question to myself was always “Will I carry around a burden of guilt if I don’t do this?” It helped me make some choices about what I should/shouldn’t tie myself to. However, as you note, much of the time it’s a this or that and you want to do both. Or all of it, just not bunched together in a chaotic mess of scheduling.
Priorities suck. Because what becomes a priority is often not what we want to choose as a priority… and I totally get that it’s easier to say „make yourself a priority“ than actually do that without hurting other people, backing out of commitments, or delaying stuff that needs to be done on a timeline. Sigh. I think the only solution would be: clones.
I’m with Gigi – reading this makes me want to barricade myself in the house and hide under the bed. I don’t have a kid in sports, but I am trying to build my local friend network and the meetups do get a little draining sometimes even though I enjoy the people and the activities. The leopard cannot change its spots!
The fact is that there are many, many things that demand to be priorities, and they can’t ALL come first, so inevitably it’s going to feel like you’re giving some priorities short shrift. I admire you for doing the teammates’ games too – I don’t think I could personally do that. I missed a lot of Angus’s games, but there were so many, many games that I also attended a lot of them, although a lot of the baseball season Matt and I were like two single parents who lived in the same house.
As fucking if a woman in today’s society can ever ‘make herself a priority’.
I’m an introvert with hermitting tendencies, and now that my kids aren’t here I would be in danger of becoming an eccentric recluse if I didn’t have my friends to drag me into the world. You are doing your best, and that’s never going to feel like enough, but it IS enough, it IS.
What can I possibly say in response to something I feel on a visceral level, my friend, other than: I SEE YOU. I FEEL YOU.
We have so much overlap; relatively small families, husband with a busy/demanding job (yet also highly engaged when home and available), flexible paid work, and great social skills and wonderful friends but WE JUST NEED SOME TIME IN PEACE AND QUIET AT HOME.
Hugs. I felt so seen reading this post <3
GAAAAAHHHH! The three hours of sitting in the bleachers talking to other moms would put me over the edge. When I go to the high school football games, I sit by myself. One time I was coerced into sitting in a section with other band parents, and by the end of the game I was miserable and exhausted. I realize this is not a solution for you- it’s a lot easier to be anonymous in a football stadium than in bleachers in a middle school gym. Plus, you’re there to support the other kids, and part of that is socializing with their parents. It sounds like there’s no great solution to that dilemma other than waiting for the season to be over.
Here’s what I think. When you “just” have one kid, somehow you’re expected to pour all your time and energy into that kid. If you had three or four other kids to take care of, NO ONE would expect you to sit for three hours and watch games your own kid isn’t even playing in. It would be perfectly understood that you had other things to do. It’s like we have X amount of time that we’re expected, and want to, spend on our kids. If you have four, that time gets divided four ways. If you have one, that same amount of time all gets spent on her. I speak as someone who has two kids, but because they’re far apart in age, I also feel like I had two only kids for big chunks of time. Anyway, I know I’m not offering any solutions, just a possible answer to the question of “why is this so hard when I ‘only’ have one kid???” No matter how many you have, your time will be filled.
Good luck! I hope you get some time to yourself over the weekend (???)
OMG! SUZANNE! I had to stare off into space for a few minutes here. You have SO much going on and this is such a busy stage of life. But the sport won’t last forever, there will be a time where you won’t be spending three hours at it. I bet anything that Carla appreciates this time you’re spending at it (don’t forget your stadium seat!). And if she doesn’t, she will when she looks back on it later. I have a friend who is similar to you in that her 15 year old plays a club sport and her entire life is dedicated to that during the season – but it’s a season, and things will and do change. In the meantime, hugs! xo
That does sound like a lot. No advice from my corner. Sounds like you’ve considered all your options. I hope things settle down a bit when Fall Sport is over, or that you hit a groove with it.
I have a lot of empathy for you from the “been there, done that” school of life, but no solutions. Maybe a couple of ideas. First, have you talked to Carla about this? Not about her games — that’s a must. But going to all the friend games? If it doesn’t matter to her, maybe it shouldn’t matter so much to you. Perhaps attending the “big” games (a major rival, that sort of thing) and bagging the others? Coming in at half time? Or leaving early? A presence without as much time commitment? Carla will remember and treasure your support but will her friends care? Entertainment pay-back — can you do more than one at a time, like host a bbq potluck or similar for two or three couples at the same time. Not so big you can’t talk with your friends, small enough that you could talk one-on-one while the others talked.) Not a big party. (I once had one for 90 — and I have a small house — thinking I could catch up with people. Everyone told me they had a great time. All I did was answer the door, say goodbye to people leaving and pick up as I’d make my way through. I hate crowds; why did I do this?) No, keep it small. You know all the strategies to clear out the schedule — now it’s just a matter of deciding which strategy you really want to buy into and then implement it. I don’t envy you one bit! Good luck with this one.
Sheesh- three hours in a gym is a lot, esp if your kid is only in one of the games. Even though I am the opposite- I really enjoy social time . . . I can relate to feeling spread thin and trying to find time for all the things. I’m in a similar boat, trying to find time to write and rarely carving out time for it. It’s so frustrating. I’ve tried to focus on my to do list, believing once I get that whittled down, I will at last find time for writing or whatever- but the list just grew longer. *sigh*
I think Julie has some great ideas. Would it work to invite your friend to attend Carla’s game?
I know this is a season in life that will fade, but I do hope you figure out a few angles that will help you carve out the alone time or writing time or good friend time that you long for. Also, I hope Carla is really enjoying her season- is it volleyball?
I completely relate to this! As a “nomad” I have to meet new people a lot and it is hard. I cherish those who know me fully already, who I can be myself around, run errands together (and not feel like I am not giving enough) and can meet at the same time (one group of four is better than three meetups with one each) so I can have my recharge time. I try not to schedule too much new person time, but also know that I have to make connections, or I will just be a hermit! It is a hard mix to manage. In your case, it is your daughter’s connections that are equally as important! Soon she will be older and off with her friends more, so this time is precious! You’ve got this girl!
Your social battery needs a hibernation <3
I’m not sure how I handled working in a public library for 11+ years, especially since as a small branch, I was on the public service desk for 24ish hours a week = that’s a LOT of peopling. I’ve been very happy trading that, even as much as I loved certain aspects of the job, for flowers and chickens and only seeing my husband most days.
I hope you’re able to find a way to finagle and juggle the socializing so you get the down time and also the ones you’re really wanting 🙂
I know you have capital R reasons to attend Carla’s friends games, but I would revisit that decision… that is a MAJOR TIME COMMITMENT and Carla is so young so I personally think the importance of all these weekly games is kind of, um, low? I think that’s going above and beyond “good sportsmanship.” But I say this as a person who is not super into athletics. I will support my kid’s interests but we only have so much time to devote to sports. If Carla has tons of homework, I’d choose to skip the other 2 games and get her home so she can eat and get started on her work so she’s not up terribly late (or if her game is later, I’d use the time before the game the same way). And I would never expect other parents to watch my kid’s game, even if they were my bestest friend in the whole wide world. Because we all have THINGS TO DO. But I can be pretty good at establishing boundaries, especially when they align with my values. And I do not value supporting other kids’ sports endeavors TBH…
I try not to think too much about our calendar and all the doctor appointments and such that I have between my RA and Paul’s OT for eating issues. Because I will fall down on the ground under the pressure of it. But the overwhelm is so very real. It helps that soccer is done by late October so I remind myself that there will be a time after this. Our kids don’t have homework yet and their soccer commitments are in our neighborhood or a short drive away so they are pretty easy from a logistics perspective. And it is better for them to be in activities – otherwise they’d be home wrestling and fighting with each other over the dumbest things… But I have to kind of repeat that mantra to myself. Parenting is not for the faint of heart – or the introvert, sadly…
Ok but why is it such a HUGE pain in the ass to deal with the end of a car lease? Especially when I JUST WANT THE SAME CAR AGAIN BUT NICER. Like, TAKE MY MONEY and LET ME GOOOOOO.
OK– what about the strategy of pairing from Gretchen Rubin to get you through the games? A book you really want to read that you only read/listen to on the stands? A soothing sportsball drink? A new fancy cup/water bottle you only use there? Something to make it feel special and rejuvenating.
Also, trust me on this– middle school is… less important in the grand scheme of things in terms of academics. The point is to get kids in the habit of prioritizing work and making good choices about deadlines, and it sounds like you are providing excellent support for that to happen.
One more thing– do YOU have to watch the sportsball? Could you be there if your kid needs you and hang out in the car/lobby and write?
As a single gal with no kids, I truly appreciate when my friends WITH kids invite me to do things they are going to be doing – like, one of my friends will sometimes spend a few hours in the evening at the library, letting her kids play in the children’s section, and she’ll invite me. I get to engage with her kiddos AND give her some adult time. So maybe invite a friend to come to a game? I would love that, personally!
I would 100% be that mom with a Kindle in her lap at all times. Maybe even some earbuds so people don’t feel like they can approach me. lolz. I’m great at making friends, why do you ask?!?!