Listen, there are many, many things that I am unable to do. Sometimes it’s because I am physically incapable (I’m just never going to be flexible enough to do the splits), other times it’s because I have zero interest in learning (sewing, I’m looking at you), still other times it’s because I lack the willpower (I can lose weight if I eat less, but I do not want to eat less). But there are some things that I would like to master, and just – for whatever reason – canNOT.
- Pizza dough. I can’t tell you how many recipes I’ve tried. It NEVER turns out as well as my favorite store-bought dough (Papa Sal’s). And I LOVE pizza. And dough should be so simple to make! Yet all my tries have resulted in lackluster dough. I want elastic, springy dough with good flavor and texture. But so far I have been unable to achieve it.
- Manicures. I cannot keep nail polish on my fingers for more than a day. Okay, TWO days, tops. Any longer than that and at least one fingernail has a chip in it. This is why I refuse to pay for manicures. So I ogle other people’s beautiful chip-free fingers and wish it could be me.
- Social media. You’d think that a decade of blogging all my personal thoughts would have prepared me for Twitter and Instagram. But I get hives just thinking about posting there. I have an Instagram account and it’s private and I literally have two followers and I STILL get nervous when I post a picture. And it’s not like I’m posting Great Art or Meaningful Thoughts or anything; I’m just posting a photo of a book I’m reading or a cake I made. And yet my heart pounds and I get dizzy and breathless and it’s AWFUL. Would I like to be on Twitter, conversing with people whose blogs I used to read? YES. But I cannot. The hives would swallow me whole.
- Playdates. I have TRIED. It does not matter if the kid is a great kid who I adore. It doesn’t matter if the parent is a great person I really want to be friends with. It doesn’t matter if the parent comes along or drops the kid off. It doesn’t matter if I have elaborate activities to do with the kids or if I just shut them in the playroom and ignore them. It doesn’t matter if we go to a playground or a person’s house. I feel super stressed in the days/hours leading up to the playdate and then super stressed during the playdate and then exhausted/drained for at least a day after the playdate. Would I love to be The Fun Mom who has extra kids running in and out of my house all day every day? In theory, where the theory also includes me being a totally different person with a totally different personality, SURE. But this is reality.
- Fitted sheets. I have watched the how-to videos a million times. I have studied them. I have gone through them frame by frame, copied them step by step. And yet I cannot understand how to fold a fitted sheet.
- Braiding. Okay, so I can do a passable three-strand braid… but it’s purely utilitarian. The strands are never even and they are never tight enough to the head and there are always stray hairs sticking out every which way. I have tried watching YouTube videos. I have tried having friends teach me in person. I have tried on myself and on my child. I cannot do this thing.
- Tomatoes. I have a longterm and well-documented distaste for tomatoes. Hatred is more like it. Yet tomatoes are in EVERYTHING. They are one of those things – like cheese – that are used as a garnish so frequently and so inexplicably that you have to expressly ask about them. If you don’t, you are destined to see them on your wedge salad (do not belong) or your lobster bisque (why????????) or your white pizza (tomatoes are not white…………….). Of course, they are also prevalent in lots of foods where you would expectto find tomatoes – pizza sauce, lasagna, stew, tacos – and so my life would be much more convenient and less stressful if I could just learn to like the damn things. Or not even like! I would settle for tolerate! But I have tried to force myself to eat them, to exposure therapy myself into being okay with them in my mouth. Nope. Not happening.
What are the things YOU want to do, but cannot?
This is an awesome topic! I am going to ditto you on social media. I have a twitter account. I tried a few times. I gave up and do not even remember my password.
I cannot understand parts of football. I get the main concept but beyond 1st downs and scoring, I get lost. Punting. And other stuff I cannot even name.
Try as I might I cannot stay on top of housework. . . OK so maybe ‘try as I might’ is the wrong description of me.
I cannot drive slow.
I am guessing that I will think of more, but afraid my phone will delete this and I need to leave the healthclub! Oh, I was once a tomato hater. Maybe hater is too strong a word. I now WILLINGLY put them in my salad. I blame celiac disease and my need to branch out into healthy foods that are gluten free. But they must be chopped small and NEVER a cherry tomato. Ever.
Oh- and ZOOMBA. I just CANNOT move that way.
FITTED SHEETS I KNOW. What is up with that? I can’t either. I also can’t sew or do anything that requires such fine motor skills. I tried to sew a button on pants once and cut a giant hole in the butt. I mean, who does that? How?
Also, re: twitter. It’s a sewer. You’re not missing out on anything. It used to be a lovely place to converse and now it is just a gross mess of meanness. So, you’re better to be off it in my humble opinion. I am rarely there anymore because it’s just all super divisive about every single tiny thing.
I’m the same way with manicures! It feels like my nails are suffocating and I just spend all my time picking at the polish that it’s so not worth it for me!
How I fold a fitted sheet: I bundle it up and throw it up at the top of my closet. Should I make a YouTube tutorial about it? 😉
Other things I’m not good at: anything crafty. I wish I was but it’s just NOT my forte at all. Cooking? I think I’m an okay cook, but nobody should depend on me for survival.
One of the many reasons God gave me a boy child – I’m am mostly incapable at “girl” things – the few I do know I had to teach myself.
Pizza dough – can’t help you here, but The Husband makes his own (when I allow him to make pizza – he makes a huge mess!) and I’ll try to jot down what he does for you next time he makes it.
Manicures – a S-N-S manicure might be for you (or so I hear, I’ve never had one) as this is supposed to last forever (and also appears to do a number on your real nails, if you care about that). If you DO care about that, Essie or Sally Hansen both have a “gel-like” polish that lasts for a while – at least the lighter polishes do – I love them equally.
Social Media – I get you here. I despise FaceBook to my very core. Twitter can be a sewer but if you follow the right people for you and mute, mute, mute, it can be okay. Instagram is far more tamer (except for the “stories.” OMG those can be overwhelming – again “muting” is helpful) and easier to jump in on…says the woman who has maybe 10 pictures on her timeline.
Playdates – Those ARE stressful…until you find that mom and kid who are cool with you and your kid. Then you know that this kid can come over and keep your kid entertained and out of your hair without having to worry about his/her mom being worried about how you are entertaining their kid. When you find that combo; then you’ve found the sweet spot.
Fitted Sheets – This one gave me fits for years. I finally found a perfect tutorial (can I find it now, of course not!) and discovered that with fitted sheets the answer is “close enough.”
Braiding – I can do it but am never satisfied with it. Generally, to me, it looks too severe – so I guess a messy braid is better for me?
Tomatoes – I get it – to a point – a good tomato cannot be beat but a mushy tomato? Or worse…a stewed tomato? UGH!
A simple pie crust…I’ve been told over and over that it isn’t that difficult and yet it is! I’m also still struggling to make light and fluffy biscuits and decent no-knead bread. Pastry is apparently my downfall.