Listen, there are many, many things that I am unable to do. Sometimes it’s because I am physically incapable (I’m just never going to be flexible enough to do the splits), other times it’s because I have zero interest in learning (sewing, I’m looking at you), still other times it’s because I lack the willpower (I can lose weight if I eat less, but I do not want to eat less). But there are some things that I would like to master, and just – for whatever reason – canNOT.

• Pizza dough. I can’t tell you how many recipes I’ve tried. It NEVER turns out as well as my favorite store-bought dough (Papa Sal’s). And I LOVE pizza. And dough should be so simple to make! Yet all my tries have resulted in lackluster dough. I want elastic, springy dough with good flavor and texture. But so far I have been unable to achieve it.
• Manicures. I cannot keep nail polish on my fingers for more than a day. Okay, TWO days, tops. Any longer than that and at least one fingernail has a chip in it. This is why I refuse to pay for manicures. So I ogle other people’s beautiful chip-free fingers and wish it could be me.
• Social media. You’d think that a decade of blogging all my personal thoughts would have prepared me for Twitter and Instagram. But I get hives just thinking about posting there. I have an Instagram account and it’s private and I literally have two followers and I STILL get nervous when I post a picture. And it’s not like I’m posting Great Art or Meaningful Thoughts or anything; I’m just posting a photo of a book I’m reading or a cake I made. And yet my heart pounds and I get dizzy and breathless and it’s AWFUL. Would I like to be on Twitter, conversing with people whose blogs I used to read? YES. But I cannot. The hives would swallow me whole.
• Playdates. I have TRIED. It does not matter if the kid is a great kid who I adore. It doesn’t matter if the parent is a great person I really want to be friends with. It doesn’t matter if the parent comes along or drops the kid off. It doesn’t matter if I have elaborate activities to do with the kids or if I just shut them in the playroom and ignore them. It doesn’t matter if we go to a playground or a person’s house. I feel super stressed in the days/hours leading up to the playdate and then super stressed during the playdate and then exhausted/drained for at least a day after the playdate. Would I love to be The Fun Mom who has extra kids running in and out of my house all day every day? In theory, where the theory also includes me being a totally different person with a totally different personality, SURE. But this is reality.
• Fitted sheets. I have watched the how-to videos a million times. I have studied them. I have gone through them frame by frame, copied them step by step. And yet I cannot understand how to fold a fitted sheet.
• Braiding. Okay, so I can do a passable three-strand braid… but it’s purely utilitarian. The strands are never even and they are never tight enough to the head and there are always stray hairs sticking out every which way. I have tried watching YouTube videos. I have tried having friends teach me in person. I have tried on myself and on my child. I cannot do this thing.
• Tomatoes. I have a longterm and well-documented distaste for tomatoes. Hatred is more like it. Yet tomatoes are in EVERYTHING. They are one of those things – like cheese – that are used as a garnish so frequently and so inexplicably that you have to expressly ask about them. If you don’t, you are destined to see them on your wedge salad (do not belong) or your lobster bisque (why????????) or your white pizza (tomatoes are not white…………….). Of course, they are also prevalent in lots of foods where you would expectto find tomatoes – pizza sauce, lasagna, stew, tacos – and so my life would be much more convenient and less stressful if I could just learn to like the damn things. Or not even like! I would settle for tolerate! But I have tried to force myself to eat them, to exposure therapy myself into being okay with them in my mouth. Nope. Not happening.

What are the things YOU want to do, but cannot?