questions and answers

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Fifteen Questions

  1. When you typically read/write blog posts, or comment on blogs, where are you? I write posts from the armchair in my office. Sometimes I comment on posts from my phone, but I find that challenging for a bunch of tiny stupid reasons, so I much prefer to comment from my laptop, while sitting in the armchair in my office.
  2. What’s the most interesting thing in arm’s reach right now? My kitty cat. He likes to sit on his window perch while I type. Sometimes I reach out and fluff his tail.
  3. Which celebrity / movie / music group do you despise for no reason? I cannot stand Vince Vaughn. I don’t know why; he didn’t do anything to me personally. I also loathe Modest Mouse. Do you remember back in the early 2000s when “Float On” was popular? That was a dark time for me.
  4. Which piece of clothing do you no longer wear but can’t throw away? I do still have my wedding dress, which I cannot imagine throwing away. I also have a pair of jeans I bought in Atlanta the summer before I met my husband. They haven’t fit in decades, but at the time, they were the most expensive pair of jeans I’d ever owned. Didn’t hurt that they became my husband’s favorite. I felt cute every time I put them on. They currently live in a box of keepsakes in my basement.
  5. What was your worst year of school? Fifth grade was my worst year. I had an unusual academic situation that meant I was separated from my peers for half the day. My fifth grade teacher disliked me, or disliked being asked to accommodate me, and I missed a lot of pertinent material (I like to think this is why I had no grasp of US geography until my own kid studied it) and I spent the entire year feeling out of my depth and disconnected. Sunday nights were awful. I remember trying to fall asleep and having the dreadful feeling that I couldn’t swallow; in retrospect, these experiences were clearly anxiety attacks about the forthcoming school week. Somehow, my parents and I made it through the year, but holy hell was it rough.
  6. What is your signature scent? In summer, Gucci Bloom. In winter, Hermes Twilly Eau Ginger. While I love Gucci Bloom, I am currently on the hunt for a citrusy summer scent. My husband, who has become a bit of a fragrance expert (fragheads, I believe they are called) has been researching options and buying me samples to try. I love grapefruit scents the most.
  7. How do you feel about “cheating” on online games you play against yourself? Julie started a Connections group chat, which I adore participating in, and this question came up a couple of weeks ago. I support and admire those who play online games without any help. Your integrity is unimpeachable and I love that your morals don’t bend. My philosophy is that online games are supposed to be FUN, and if you need a little hint to help you move forward, go for it. With Connections specifically, I sometimes look up words – either to confirm they are part of the category I think they are, or because I am completely baffled both by the word and by what category it could possibly belong to. Once or twice there’s been a Connections that used icons instead of words. I definitely passed my phone to my husband on those occasions, because my brain doesn’t work that way and I feel infuriated instead of intrigued. When it comes to Wordle, I occasionally use WordHippo to help me narrow down my word choices. I enjoy using the Spelling Bee Buddy to help me get to Queen Bee. And if I’m doing any sort of crossword puzzle, I have no compunction asking my husband or kid to help me with a clue. Maybe this makes me a dirty dirty cheater and you have lost all respect for me. But I’m of the mind that struggle/challenge is only pleasurable to a point, and there’s no reason to endure torture when you are simply trying to have fun.
  8. Have you ever met a celebrity in real life? I met Charlie Gibson when my friend appeared on Good Morning America in the early aughts. I got a haircut from Nick Arrojo, of What Not to Wear fame; the haircut was a present from my in-laws. I once ate lunch in the same restaurant as Tony Danza; I realize this doesn’t really count as “meeting” him. I’ve also had the pleasure of meeting several poets and writers, but they aren’t celebrities in the way I’m interpreting this question means.
  9. What’s a weird thing you dislike about yourself? I am not a fan of my name. (Sorry, Mom!) It’s mine, and I’m not changing it, but it’s always felt sort of separate from me, if that makes any sense. I also think the sounds are a little harsh, possibly because of the long vowel followed by a short vowel sound, possibly because of the spondee-style stress on each syllable. Like I said, I’m not going to DO anything about it, and it only ever occurs to me when someone says my name out loud (which is less often than one might think). It’s not like I would have any idea what alternative name to choose for myself, and it’s meaningful to my mom, and it’s something I’ve grown accustomed to.
  10. What’s your most specific piece of relationship advice? Well, “communication” is not specific. I think it’s critical to travel with a prospective spouse before you decide to tie the knot. Traveling with someone reveals so much about them – how they deal with stress, their preferences for a whole host of things (window seat vs. aisle; driving vs. being driven; relaxing beach lounger type vs. see all the sights in a big city type; hostels vs. luxury hotels; etc. etc.), their capacity for adapting to new situations, their tolerance for other cultures, and so much more. My husband and I traveled a lot while we were dating and it helped confirm our compatibility.  
  11. Who is your “favorite” relative? I loved Lisa’s recent post about her nephews and her memories of the “aunt dates” she used to take them on when they were small. None of my relatives lived close to me when I was a kid, but I definitely had a “favorite” aunt: my mom’s youngest sister. She is beautiful and cool and wasn’t afraid to employ some light cursing if necessary. I always enjoyed being around her and wanted to be just like her when I grew up. My husband has an aunt I adore as well. She is also very cool and says what she means and has a glamorous job. Even though she’s not technically my aunt, I adore her and I’m glad to have her in my life.
  12.  What is your dream car? My dad has always been a car guy – he loves beautiful vehicles and he enjoys rebuilding classic cars. While he didn’t quite pass on his love for rebuilding cars, he definitely passed on his appreciation for them. My absolute dream car is the 1955 Porsche 356 A Speedster.
  13. Which practical subject do you wish you knew more about? Speaking of cars, boy do I wish I had leaned in to my dad’s automotive knowledge when I was younger. I would love to know more about cars and how they work and how to diagnose and address common problems. Although, right up there with car savvy, I wish I possessed more general knowledge about how to care for my yard/plants. Yes, I do realize all this information exists and there’s nothing stopping me from learning it now.
  14. When it comes to romantic partners, do you have a “type”? Most of my romantic partners have been white and male, with dark hair and blue eyes. I tend to fall for Nerdy Jocks. Oddly enough, the majority of the guys I dated had names that began with the same letter. My husband is pretty much the exemplar: super smart, athletic, with dark hair and blue eyes.
  15. What is your favorite picture book? My friend and writing partner (who happens to write children’s fiction) asked me this the other day. It’s such a difficult question! The ones that come to mind are Where the Wild Things Are and The Girl Who Loved Wild Horses from my own childhood, and The Skunk from my daughter’s childhood. Where the Wild Things Are is so imaginative and relatable and wild and weird. The Girl Who Loved Wild Horses has a gorgeous, haunting story and the illustrations are stunning. And The Skunk is such a strange, hypnotic story that feels allegorical to me, even though I have never been able to decode the message; I think about this book ALL the time. Of course, there are dozens of other favorites. I could probably write about this topic all day and never run out of picture books to gush over.

If you’re interested in answering any/all of these questions (I am VERY interested in your answers!), here’s the list:

  • When you typically read/write blog posts, or comment on blogs, where are you?
  • What’s the most interesting thing in arm’s reach right now?
  • Which celebrity / movie / music group do you despise for no reason?
  • Which piece of clothing do you no longer wear but can’t throw away?
  • What was your worst year of school?
  • What is your signature scent?
  • How do you feel about “cheating” on online games you play against yourself?
  • Have you ever met a celebrity in real life?
  • What’s a weird thing you dislike about yourself?
  • What’s your most specific piece of relationship advice?
  • Who is your “favorite” relative?
  •  What is your dream car?
  • Which practical subject do you wish you knew more about?
  • When it comes to romantic partners, do you have a “type”?
  • What is your favorite picture book?
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Ask Me Anything Answers, Part 5

I got so many wonderful, thought-provoking questions from lovely readers during NaBloPoMo, but I took a rather lengthy break from answering them and still have a few to address! 

Gigi of Gigi’s Ramblings asks:

A follow up to the How I Met My Husband – how long was the engagement? 

Once we got married, friends and family alike said, “FINALLY.” We met in fall of our junior year at college and fell in love rather quickly. We moved in together in two years later while I attended graduate school, and then moved together to a different state two years after that so my husband could start medical school. We finally got engaged in September of the second year of medical school, and then got married halfway through his final med school year. That’s seven years from meeting to marriage. Seven. Years.   

One of these days I should post about our engagement. And maybe I should post the story of my engagement ring, which is a “fake” family heirloom.

And, I’d love to hear about the wedding too. Based on the description of your dress at the college formal, I’m guessing that your wedding dress was pretty amazing too. 

My wedding was a dream wedding. My parents offered us a down payment on a house or a wedding, and we (I, probably) chose the wedding. I am cringing at that now, because WHAT A POOR FINANCIAL DECISION?! I suppose I was 25 at the time I (we?) made this decision, and should have been capable of making a wise choice. But looking back, WHAT was I thinking? And yet, it was a fairytale day and I have (mostly) wonderful memories and everything worked out okay and I don’t regret it.

We got married in my home state, in a space that has been special to me since I was very young, and which I had been able to share with my husband in the many years of our courtship. We had a fairly small wedding – I think we invited about 75 people, and I’m guessing about 50 were able to attend. We got married in a tiny, non-denominational church, its alter backed by enormous windows that overlooked the snow covered mountains. Then we had the reception in the restaurant of a ski lodge.

The food was spectacular. Our dinner menu included a make-your-own pasta bar, tiny shot glasses of perfect creamy butternut squash soup, and miniature Brie grilled cheese sandwiches. We had huckleberry mimosas and a candy bar at which guests could fill up their own favor bags. Nearly all of our college friends attended, which was special to us; my husband and I met at college and we had a very tight-knit group of friends that we shared. We spent the evening dancing together in a big happy group enfolded by warmth and candlelight while outside enormous snowflakes drifted down from the sky.

My dress was strapless, with a sweetheart neckline, a lace bodice, and a full, satin skirt with a long train. Do I have a photo of it? No one had iPhones back in 2008, so it seems unlikely… Oh, right. Our photographer gave us a big binder full of thumbnails of all the photos he took, so here are photos of a few of the thumbnails that at least give you at least a sense of the dress. I never had a “this is it!” moment with my dress, and in fact ended up working with the designer to create a custom dress that I loved by piecing together parts of other dresses. And then I got sick in the weeks leading up to the wedding and lost so much weight we had to do an emergency last minute fitting session and my dress was QUITE baggy in the boobage area. 

Looking back at these photos brings back some of the angst of the day. The person who did my makeup was running late, so we were late to the church and ran out of time to take proper photos. So I don’t really love ANY of the photos from that day. I’d wanted the kind of artsy pictures you often see of the dress hanging in gauzy light in front of a window, and pictures of the shoes and rings, and fun photos with the bridesmaids. But since we were so behind, all our photos took place in the basement of the church. I don’t know if you’ve been to many church fellowship halls, but they are not known for their beauty, and this one was no different. (My husband and his groomsmen got to take AMAZING photos outside the reception venue, and they are very cool and beautiful.) Also, while I had a hair trial with my stylist that went perfectly, something was wrong on the day of the wedding and she could NOT get a good curl in my hair. So when I look at photos, I haaaaaaaate my hair. Apparently I am still salty about wedding imperfections nearly fifteen years later. Obviously, none of it matters at ALL, then or now.

Here. Look at a slightly blurry photo of of a thumbnail of our cake. It was vanilla cake with vanilla buttercream (NO FONDANT) and huckleberry jam in between the layers. I loved it; my husband wasn’t as big a fan, unfortunately.

Much to my mother’s horror, the candles had real flames. Our best man gave his toast in front of that stone fireplace and as he talked, he kept backing closer and closer to the candles lined up on the stone, filling my head and my mother’s, I’m sure, with visions of imminent conflagration. He did not knock any of them over; there were no fires.

Another thing I loved about our wedding were the flowers. I adored my bouquet. Irises are my favorite flower, and it turned out exactly as I wanted it to. My bridesmaids each carried a bouquet of pure white flowers, each one chosen because that flower was special to that bridesmaid.

My something old was a handkerchief from my husband’s grandmother’s wedding. It was tucked into the wrap of the bouquet stems.
Roses, tulips, hydrangeas, and calla lilies.

Okay, that’s enough reminiscing about our really very magical wedding! On to the rest of the questions!

Any siblings? And are you close? 

I have one sibling, a younger brother. We love each other, and I enjoy his company, but I don’t know that we are “close.” He is six years my junior, which means that he was in middle school when I went to college. That’s a big gap. It also means that I perpetually think of him as my baby brother, with glasses that were too big for his face and skinny limbs and straw colored hair that stuck up on the top of his head. In reality, he is a six foot tall former soldier in his mid-thirties. He and his wife live four thousand miles away. We got to see them twice last year, which was wonderful. But it may be several years until we see them again. We never talk on the phone but we do text and email occasionally. (More about our relationship here.) He is in law enforcement, so he very patiently answers all the ridiculous questions about policing I come up with as I’m writing my silly murder mysteries. He is brilliant, hilarious, brave, and one of the most level-headed people I’ve ever met. 

Are you on Twitter? (Is this even a relevant question since Twitter seems to be in free fall as I type?) 

Technically, I am on Twitter. I have a Twitter account – one for this blog, one for the book blog – but I don’t really tweet. Twitter makes me VERY nervous, like I’m forever on the edges of a conversation other people are having. I do have a book-focused Instagram account, and I am more active there… but “more active” is not active active, if you know what I mean.

I know for this particular type of question the answer will vary (or, it would for me) depending on various factors. If money, school/work obligations, time, etc., were not obstacles where would you go for your dream trip/vacation?

If money/family/time were not obstacles, I would go on an extended trip to Europe with my husband and Carla. It would be so fun to rent a house in different countries for, say, a month, and then drive around to various cities in each country to really get a sense of what it’s like to live there. It has been my great good fortune to visit Europe several times and I love it and want to go back. There are a bunch of countries I’ve never visited, and a bunch that I would love to revisit, and old favorites (like France and Germany) that I have visited multiple times and still want to enjoy again.

Thanks for all the fun questions, Gigi! If anyone else has any questions or topics you want me to touch on, please feel free to ask me anything.

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Ask Me Anything Answers, Part 3: Blogging

This week, I am chipping away at some of the creative, thought-provoking questions readers have been asking. This round of lovely questions is all about blogging. 

A photo of me posting this post – so meta

From JoyMarieCooks of Vegan Husband, Omnivore Wife:

How did you decide to blog and what’s been (a) the best thing (b) the most surprising thing and (c) the worst thing about blogging?

The first blogs I ever read were wedding planning blogs, way back in 2007. It must have been from Wedding Bee that I found the first personal blogs I started reading, although I can’t really remember which blogs they were. Almost none of those blogs I read from the beginning exist today. But what struck me was that they were so friendly, so conversational, and that they mostly seemed to be about women like me, who were newly engaged or married and who just wanted to chat about their experiences. 

When my husband and I moved to a brand new city in a brand new state so he could begin his medical residency, I started this blog. I can’t remember my exact reasoning, only that I’d been thinking about it for a long time. Since I worked remotely, and had just moved to a place where I knew almost no one, I thought it would be a good way to process my thoughts about wifehood and moving and being married to a doctor.

The most surprising thing about blogging is how important it has become to me. It’s a potent combination of diary and slumber party, maybe? I can be honest here in a way I feel I can’t be elsewhere – I can talk about the minutiae of day-to-day life without watching anyone’s eyes glaze over, I feel like I can be chatty with friends with no worries about whether people are gossiping about me behind my back. (Although maybe they are; who knows.) There was a time when life felt too busy and stressful to blog regularly, and I missed it and I am so glad that it is a regular feature of my life again. 

The worst thing about blogging is that the friendships don’t translate into real life. I can’t call you up and say, “Hey, I’m bringing over cookies and wine!” or invite you over to watch reruns of Schitt’s Creek. I want to do that. Although I admit I’m a little afraid, too – what if you don’t like Real Life Suzanne? (I am mainly the same as Blog Suzanne, just less wordy and much more awkward.) So even as this community uplifts me and makes me feel included and supported and part of something, it can also be a little lonely. 

From Ally of The Spectacled Bean:

As a longtime blogger thinking about your approach to personal blogging, which is more important to you: writing your own posts then replying to all the comments you’ve received– OR reading other bloggers’ posts and leaving comments for them? That is, do you see your role primarily as a creator or a coach?

This is SUCH a thought-provoking question. I’ve been considering it for a long time. Starting at the end of the question, I have literally never thought of myself in terms of either a creator or a coach. I suppose if I were to put a label on myself, and what I do here, I would call myself a community member. My blog isn’t geared toward anything in particular; it’s just me, posting about my silly little life, trying to engage with other people. The writing part is valuable for me, because it allows me to work through my own thoughts, allows me to empty my brain. But the engagement is even more valuable, because it enables me to feel like I belong to something big and warm and friendly. Maybe most bloggers are more intentional about their goals as a blogger, or their designs for content, and that’s great. But for me, it’s more of a conversation.

That said, I don’t think I have a specific philosophy about commenting. I try to read all the blogs I can, and comment on them as frequently as possible. Sometimes I try to respond to comments on my posts, but I don’t respond to all of them; perhaps to my detriment, I don’t know. I like it when other bloggers respond to my comments, but I don’t mind it when they don’t. And sometimes it doesn’t feel “right” to respond, or sometimes I don’t have time, or I can’t find the right way to say what I want to say. I do, however, read every single comment anyone posts, and appreciate the time and energy required both to read my lengthy droning and to share your thoughts. 

From Stephany of Stephany Writes: 

What made you decide to make (and keep!) your blog completely anonymous?

At first, I think the decision was made out of embarrassment? Or maybe shyness is a more accurate term? I wanted to write things, maybe personal things, and I didn’t want anyone to know it was ME writing them. (That’s so dumb, because I feel like the people reading this do know me. Maybe even know me better, in some ways, than people who don’t read this blog.) Then it became a matter of me wanting to write about things that I wouldn’t necessarily want connected back to my husband – like, do his patients need to read a post about how cute I think he looks in scrubs? No, they do not. 

While the latter is still true, I also think that the anonymity is for my sake. My mom read my blog for awhile (and still may; I don’t know and prefer not to!) and when I thought about her reading my posts, my writing felt stilted, like I was being watched. I’ve had a couple of real-life/pre-blogging friends read this blog, and that was okay, but it still felt a little uncomfortable. Like has your spouse/parent/sibling ever looked over your shoulder while you were writing an email or a text? A perfectly ordinary, non-controversial, non-scandalous email or text? I hate that; it makes me very self-conscious. Knowing people I know in the offline world read my blog is kind of like that feeling.

At one point, I got word that someone who knew my husband read this blog… maybe she still does, I don’t know. But THAT was super awkward, because I felt like everything I said reflected on him. Now I didn’t have to just worry that my mom was wondering HOW I’d gotten through college using quite so many exclamation points, but I had to worry that my husband’s colleagues were thinking he was married to a weird overly enthusiastic dolt. It sucks, but my writing does reflect on him, in a way. I think that’s part of the reason that I don’t like to discuss politics or Big Subjects – because I don’t want anyone misconstruing my poorly-constructed thoughts as his. (The other part is that the world is FULL of intelligent – and not – discourse on Big Subjects that we can choose to read. Plus, that’s not what I want to write about, so I don’t write about it.) Also, I do write a lot about my experiences parenting here… and I don’t want Carla to be googleable because of that. 

I would say that at this point, it’s a very loose approximation of anonymity. But that’s okay. I like the facade. 

Thank you all so much for your questions! If you have any other questions you’d like me to answer, about blogging or anything else, feel free to fill out my Ask Me Anything form.

It seems as though I am doing NaBloPoMo this month, which is 30 blog posts in 30 days. (Will I make it??? Only time will tell.) Details at San’s blog here.