It has been an extremely challenging parenting week around here. Let me be clear: Carla is a fantastic kid and I love her with all my heart and feel so lucky to be her mom. And also, a lot of the time, I feel completely unfit to parent her. Yes, yes, I know – we’ve got the bases of food, shelter, and love covered, so we’re already ahead of the game. But I spend a lot of time, especially when things are tricky, feeling like I am doing her a grave disservice by being her primary source of guidance. (My husband is a wonderful father to whom parenting seems to come much more naturally/with less anxiety; he is just, by nature of his job, not with her as often as I am. And, much as I’d LOVE to, I can’t simply direct my child to wait for her father to come home to be parented, you know?) (Or CAN I?????)
My husband, after I’d leaked tears all over him immediately upon his arrival home from work yesterday, said kindly that he thinks every parent feels this way. I am pretty sure some of us (cough cough me) are simply inept. Developmentally appropriate challenges or not, I feel like I am flailing around without any idea how to help my kid.
Anyway, I am going to distract myself by turning to a problem I CAN solve, maybe, which is that I need a new hair dryer.
My now-dead hair dryer was this medieval torture-looking device by Drybar and I really liked it. It made my hair smoother and less frizzy than the standard Conair I use as a backup. I could operate it one-handed, which left my other hand free to turn the pages in my book or choose invariably wrong answers in my daily French lesson. I also think it tamed my wavy hair much better than a regular hair dryer, which always seems to leave a few ripples near the crown of my head. In fact, on days when my hair was being particularly accommodating, I didn’t even need to use a straightener.
When I bought it, I had never spent more than $50 on a hair dryer, and it seemed so ridiculously expensive. But now that I am considering a new hair dryer, I see that it is quite reasonable. In terms of pricey hair dryers, of course. I could just use AIR, which is FREE.
A very good friend of mine – and a person with what I consider to possess the platonic ideal hair – said that this combo straightener/dryer, while spendy, is worth every penny because it dries and straightens simultaneously, no need for a separate straightening device. I mean, if it would transform my hair into hers, I would buy it in a heartbeat. Like, a horrified, “am I really spending this much money on a hair dryer” arrhythmic heartbeat, but still. However, I suspect that no hair implement could ever perform that magic. Her hair is supernaturally beautiful.
If I’m going for brand name, there is the slightly less-expensive Dyson… but I have no idea what superpowers it claims and I feel too exhausted by, you know, everything, to look into it.
Drybar also has a straightening hair dryer, MUCH more reasonably priced than the Dyson.
Or maybe I just need a good ol’ Revlon dryer/brush combo for $37.
Of course, I could go in the complete other direction and get this $720 beauty that Sarah has heard great things about.
What are you using to dry your hair?
Oh, my friend. You are not inept, you are a great mom. You really are! Everyone feels that despair sometimes, and Carla is at a tricky age.
I had my hair cut last weekend and the woman who cuts my hair had one of those dryer/ round brush thingies. I don’t usually wear my hair straight but for some reason every stylist who has ever cut my hair straightens it. Anyway, she used that roller brush and it did make my hair very straight and glossy! I just have a regular Conair.
The stylist did tell me that Dyson hair wraps are really great but only for people with long, thick hair. So, you! But they are EXPENSIVE.
Sending you a big hug, I’m sorry your week was crappy.
I have that good ole Revlon tool and love it on days when I want to go straight. My hair is naturally curly and poodles up if left to its own devices so I’m on my second machine because I plum wore out the first one!
I’ve been tempted to buy a Dyson, but oof! The price is hard to justify.
I think you are naturally feeling the way a first time mom would! The benefit of having more kids is that you get to figure out your parenting style and what works and what doesn’t, but that first kid is just a whole bunch of new stages with no experience to rely on. We call our first born the “first waffle” because we got it down pat after him. The fact that you think and worry about Carla and how your relationship is with her just shows how much you love her, and in the end that’s what kids really need, to feel totally loved. You’re doing a great job!
You got it down pat after the first one , Colleen? Teach me your ways! Im still starting over with every kid lately.
Haha! Down pat in the sense of what schools, activities to choose…rules…discipline…expectations. Obviously each kid is different but we realize what’s important when raising them and what’s not in the grand scheme of things now.
First, parenting it hard and there is no grade so there is no concrete way to know if we’re doing it “right” or not. Because there is no “right” way and I think that certain personalities (mine, perhaps yours) is looking for some tangible ruberic. It doesn’t exist and that makes it hard.
Also, every child is unique and every situation is unique and it can be utterly exhausting to think through the limitless ways in which to respond to a situation.
Finally, I think parenting is very different from when we were kids. There is so much pressure now to being their everything. Their doctor, their therapist, their friend, their chef. It’s so much pressure!
You ARE doing great and there ARE going to be moments where parenting is so exhausting and overwhelming you think you are the least qualified parent on the planet. But I have met kids with parents who have little to no positive influence in their life and it is tragic. As cliche as it sounds, love, affection, food, shelter, security, acceptance. At the end of the day, it really is what matters the most.
Hugs.
I am going to be coming back to this post. You know I am cheap as all get out so I want to hear more reader thoughts on the Revlon. I think Lisa has one and loves it? I have a perfectly good blow drying, but I do love the idea of having a 2-in-1 product. And at that price…
I agree with what others have said: you are a great parent! Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s a hard job, and it always feels like you are not doing the correct thing, but Carla will grow up to be a wonderful person.
On to hairdryers: I have a Revlon dryer/brush, but mine seems wider than the one in your link. I LOVE IT. I have thick hair that is frizzy if I don’t flat iron it, and this hairdryer takes are of it like I am using both tools. It gives my hair a ton of body as well, which sometimes makes it look a little helmet-ish, but it goes away pretty quickly. I am on my second one, and I am getting ready to buy a third because I have lost quite a few bristles.
hi, I never comment but I love your writing!
hair dryers! For reference I have curly hair. I have the revlon dryer brush thing and it works well, if you always dry/straighten I think it is a solid option. I recently got the Shark flexstyle, basically a still expensive but less crazy expensive version of the Dyson. I love it. It can be a regular hair dryer, and has a bunch of attachment options including diffuser which is what I use a lot. The oval brush attachment makes it work similarly to the revlon (not better in my opinion) so if that’s the only attachment you would use I would just get the revlon.
First of all, I am always available to text about parenting woes and nonsense. I bet you’ll find that even typing it out helps you solve things.
I am extremely intrigued by this very expensive combo dryer/straightener. I did not know such a thing existed. I want it. I will not buy it because yikes, but maybe I’ll put it on my Christmas list. My husband enjoys buying ridiculously overpriced things for me for Christmas and then I can pretend I had nothing to do with it.
You are great, loving mom! Early tween/teen years are hard for kids and parents to navigate. Keep your eye on your overall philosophy and give her some room to feel all the things. If you get stuck, reflect back her thoughts to her so she knows you’ve heard her. And you can ask her to spend some quiet time in her room if it gets too much. (I told my very emotional teens that it’s okay for you to feel that way, but they need to figure out appropriate levels of response. Terrible parenting? Maybe. Effective? Yes.)
I still have doubts about some of my parenting, even after 30 yrs of it. But we have to make the best choices with what info we have and our overall goals. No one gets it right all the time. That’s what apologies are for.
I remember those days of feeling like a crappy parent, teacher, wife, friend, etc. There wasn’t enough of me to go around and I wasn’t sure how to handle the angst or rebellion of the teenage years. My daughters were generally great though; their issues have started up in their 30s. I know you don’t want to hear that. I’m still parenting!
I have a pixie cut so no advice on hair dryers (don’t worry, I make up for the savings on styling tools with the need for haircuts every five weeks). I do, however, have three kids ages 18, 15 and 11. Both younger kids started therapy at age 11 and it has been the thing that saves us. Neither has major/crisis issues to work through but the therapists have guided the communication strategies between the kids and myself and it has been invaluable! I am also a very engaged, educated and dedicated parent that has moments of feeling like I cannot possibly be expected to know how to deal with these children and it’s been wildly comforting to have a professional helping facilitate. Just a thought if things get hairier navigating adolescence 😁
I remember when my daughter (also only child) was a certain age, worrying that we were losing her. So much fighting or frustration or feeling like we were getting things wrong. A cousin (who is 6 years older than my daughter) told us, “Don’t worry, she will come back to you.” And she did. Hang in there, you’re a wonderful mom.
My hair is long and straight, so I just use a regular old hairdryer with a round brush. My daughter had the Revlon one, and when that died she got the Shark flexstyle, which she liked a lot more. When that died, she got the yellow one that you have that just died, and she likes that one best of all.
I never knew there were such expensive hair dryers out there! I have a basic Conair, which gets the job done. I also feel like those brush hair dryers are torture devices!
Kids are the literal worst. It’s not you; it’s her.
I actually air dry my hair overnight and use a really expensive flat iron in the morning. I do not want to do both for damage reasons, and my hair cannot look good on a blow out alone so that’s what I do. I have a very old cheap Con Air that I use to blow dry my bangs after my shower because it I let them dry naturally, I am veering into 90s lunch lady territory.
Sarah, your comment made me snort laugh: “Kids are the literal worst. It’s not you; it’s her.”
I love your honesty!
I promise you – you are not an inept parent. You are NOT. We have all felt that we were failing as parents at one point or another. You love your child, you support and provide for your child, you are there for your child i.e., you are a great parent; I promise. I can see that from all the way over here.
Let me be the gajillionth person to assure you that you are NOT inept, and everyone DOES feel this way except crappy parents. It’s harder with one too, probably, because there’s no one else to distract you OR her. I let my kids watch way too much tv and did their laundry until they left home, and they’re both fairly productive functional adults out in the world – from what I’ve read, you are already topping me, so she’ll be fine.
I have a regular hair dryer, but an expensive one. I have annoying hair and disposable income, so here we are. I think you should get whatever will save you the most time and effort. My friend just bought the 600-dollar Dyson one and she loves it. I’d be interested to see your friend’s hair, because I have coveted yours.
I use good old fashioned… air. But this brings up an area where I feel like a completely inept mom- hair. My hair is thin and straight, I get it cut at Super cuts and let it air dry. My daughter has all sorts of hair issues (it’s curly, she wants to color it, should she have bangs, should she straighten it) and I have no clue how to help her. I always have the uncomfortable feeling that another mom would be much more helpful to her.
But… if you want to get a little new-agey here, we could say that our kids chose US. Or, we chose each other to have the experiences we’re having in life. As long as you’re doing your best, Carla is getting what she needs from you. This stage of parenting does get tricky- the tween and teenage years have new challenges. But you can do it!
Hee hee I think that “wait until your father gets home” is a perfectly fine parenting option.
I used to work with an engineer who was also an ace at hair and makeup and boy oh boy did I ever used to pick her brain! I remember making a lunch time stop at Ulta once for a straightener and once for a hair dryer. Under her guidance/my budget I got a fancier Conair that is…fine. All of which is to say that I don’t know what the magic hair dryer is but I wrote a book of a comment anyway. Happy Valentine’s!
First off, I think we can all relate to how you feel. I honestly think that most men just don’t feel the anguish that we do over parenting decisions. I’m sure if you searched my husband search history, you wouldn’t find all the panic googling that you’d find in mine! I’m always asking him. Should we worry about XYZ? And his answer is always no or ask the pediatrician. He almost never comes to me with concerns!
I use the Revlon brush blow dryer which I love. I am inept when it comes to hair and yet I can use that tool (well when I have the use of my primary hand… I cannot use it with my left hand unfortunately).
Sorry you hit a parenting snafu, or that you just feel like you’re messing things up. I say all the time that I wish these kids came with an instruction manual. I think you need to give yourself some grace. No one is perfect, and I really do think you are doing an excellent job with Carla. The road is bumpy. That’s how we grow. It’s not always easy-peasie. That’d be amazing. I’m so glad your husband is so supportive.
I’m a diffuser hairdryer used and I do not have much to offer on the subject. I tend to read reviews and pick the more reasonably priced one.
I don’t even need to be in your home, your presence to know you are an amazing mother. Not in the least inept. They can challenge us daily, and there is no manual, we just do the best we can. Don’t worry, Carla won’t need to spend her adulthood in therapy.
I have the regular Dyson blowdryer. I never thought I’d spend that much on a dryer, but after using one in a fancy hotel in Portugal, I was HOOKED.
Fhttps://lifeofadoctorswife.wordpress.com/2025/02/14/nothing-says-valentines-day-like-shopping-for-new-hair-dryers/#comments
Augh! Delete that comment! I had a great one about how wonderful you are, and Carla is just being developmentally appropriately annoying and it ate it. And replaced it with the URL. *forehead smack*
You are awesome. That is all. But life is a lot these days, so please come and remind yourself of that when you question yourself, ok? <3