It is rainy, I am grumpy. I don’t feel like making a list of things to make for dinner. My brain, these past few days, has been like one of those dog walkers you sometimes see in big cities, you know – the ones that can walk like six or ten dogs at once? Except my brain is not doing well with the dog walking, and all the thought-dogs are, like, chasing after squirrels, or biting each other, or wagging their tails hopefully at people trying to pass, or lying down because they Just Can’t anymore, or winding their leashes around their own legs until they are all tangled up, or sniffing at trees, or peeing on things. What I’m trying to say is, there’s a lot of chaos and distraction, thought-wise. And, yes, the thought equivalent of excrement.
So let’s try to untangle some leashes and return some of these overwrought metaphors to their owners, shall we?
- Overwhelmed: Your advice blew me away the other day. I read each comment on my post intently and took notes and felt, with every comment, so incredibly grateful for you for taking the time to address my silly non-problems. Oh, how I would love to have a girls’ weekend with YOU. We could extend it by a few or ten days so we could fit in ALL the amazing things you suggested. I was so overwhelmed by everyone’s kindness and thoroughness and wonderful ideas that I wasn’t even sure how to respond. THANK YOU. I am so lucky.
- Girls’ Trip Update Already: Using as much of your advice as possible, I put together a list of five suggestions for the girls’ trip and sent them to one of the stakeholders of the girls’ trip. She vetoed them all. So. I am kind of thinking maybe it is now her girls’ trip to plan????
- Disappearing Emails: I keep writing and sending emails… and they disappear. This happened a couple of times specifically to emails I wrote to my father in the middle of the night. (When you wake up at 3:30 am, you write emails to your parents too, right?) But because of the timing, I sort of dismissed the disappearances – maybe I dreamed the emails??? But I sent an email yesterday that I was very much awake for, and it just… disappeared. Not in a draft anywhere. Not in an outbox. Not in a sent folder. Very odd. It’s not like it was even an objectionable email – like, I could see (see, but not approve of) my email becoming sentient and deciding, no, you don’t want to say that. I’m going to quietly step in and stop you from sending something inadvisable. But this was a NOTHING email. A fact email. There wasn’t even any issue with TONE.
- Listen, Hug, Advise: I saw this advice floating around Instagram as a parenting technique. Instead of jumping in to help your kid, you ask, “Do you want me to listen? Do you need a hug? Or do you need help?” Great advice, and something I have tried to incorporate into my interactions with Carla. But it wasn’t until a friend applied it to me that I realized this has applications for adults as well. I told her that sometimes I worry that I treat her like a therapist, and it makes me feel guilty – and she said that maybe I felt that way because she sometimes leans toward giving advice. She said that she understands that sometimes a friend just needs to vent, and said she described the “listen, hug, advise” technique to me and said she would appreciate and welcome it if I said I needed one or the other specifically. (She is a very lovely person.) I found this to be such a useful reframing. This is not just a technique for children! Even though I want simply to vent or be comforted 90% of the time, I still tend to jump in with advice when other people share their own problems with me. So I am going to try to do more asking of what people need, rather than assuming they need my non-existent expertise.
- Skin Drama: I have complained bitterly about my skin here before. Earlier this year, I was diagnosed with a type of rosacea that causes pustules and red, swollen bumps. I have been treating this with prescription cream. Last week, my face positively ERUPTED and I am miserable. MISERABLE. The blemishes are painful and/or itchy, but also they make me incredibly self-conscious. I mean, I have a fairly prominent facial scar that I carry around with me every day, so I’m somewhat used to stares anyway, but this is SO MUCH WORSE. I look like I have the pox. I was very lucky to have very few skin issues when I was a teen, and this makes me feel so full of empathy and outrage for teenagers. At least I, an adult, can use coping thoughts like, “everyone deals with this” and “most people don’t notice, or if they do notice it is in the same passing way they notice your hair color or whether you have jam on your shirt” and “this is temporary”! At least I can be relatively certain that my peers won’t tease me or call out my appearance or give me awful nicknames! How is this an affliction that young people deal with on the regular?! I am having to FORCE myself to go out in public. I had An Event to attend a few days ago, and I did not want to go. But obviously did, because I had made a commitment and because I want to be a good role model for Carla. (It was fine. I wore cute clothes, did my hair, wore glasses to hopefully distract from the state of my face, and put some coverup on the worst blemishes even though I was afraid that it would make them worse.) I have also put in a call to my dermatologist to say WHAT IS HAPPENING and I am hopeful he will have some suggestions. This is mainly a “just venting” post, because everyone’s skin is different and because at this point I will probably only do what my dermatologist suggests, but of course if you also have papulopustular rosacea I would love to hear what has worked for you, and I would love to hear any thoughts about Going In Public When You Don’t Want To.
- Aging Disparity: Clearly, this skin thing is a result of my advancing age; it is apparently a Known Thing that can develop during perimenopause. It’s just the latest example of my forties not going great, health wise. I mean, I am very blessed with overall good health. I do recognize that. But the plantar fasciitis and the skin thing and a couple of other small things I have yet to check out so therefore don’t know if they are just Regular Things For People Of This Age Group or Things We Should Treat make me kind of disgusted with this decade already. Then there’s my husband, who is six months my senior. He is having NONE of these issues! He is getting better and more appealing by the day. His patients compliment his hair. He has been trying to lose a little weight, and it seems to just fall off. He has been biking a lot and his calves are, well, they are beautiful. He has always had nice legs, but I didn’t even know I found calves attractive until he toned and chiseled them with all this biking. Ahem. Apologies for the tawdry turn. He does have a few more white beard hairs, but of course they just make him look distinguished or maybe a little less like he just graduated from medical school. His feet never hurt. He never has trouble sleeping. His face is handsome and clear. Even the gradual deepening of those little parallel lines between his eyebrows makes him look thoughtful and concerned rather than wrinkled. I am glad he is healthy and thriving (and attractive), don’t get me wrong. But IT IS DEEPLY UNFAIR.
- Pity Party, Over.
- Dinners This Week: I suppose I really should think about what to make for dinner. Even if I really, really don’t want to. This sheet-pan miso honey chicken with asparagus sounds pretty good. I can work up some enthusiasm for this lemony cucumber couscous salad – maybe with some grilled shrimp? How about some chipotle pork chops with some sort of vegetable – broccoli, maybe?
- Romance Novel: Recently, on the recommendation of Nicole, I read this book… which I LOVED… and immediately decided I want to write a romance novel. Even though I am not even a regular reader of romance novels, which seems like it would be a huge disadvantage when it comes to writing one. Even though I am 83K words into my thriller that I vowed to FINISH instead of getting distracted with a new project. So I have this whole idea for the romance novel sketched out – but the love interest hasn’t quite taken shape for me yet. There is definitely a very hot and intimidatingly smart veterinarian in town that he used to date, but why did they break up? Why is he still single? What is his Big Flaw? What is holding him back from being with our heroine? Also, I kind of need him to be independently wealthy; I’m not sure HOW it came to be that he doesn’t have to work, but it would be nice if it had something to do with why he resists falling in love with the protagonist. She is a widow, but ready to move on; maybe he also lost someone and is NOT ready to move on? But then… how does the main character bring him around? Hmmm. This is the fun part of writing. The thinking part. The part where the story unfolds nearly flawlessly in your head. The part where you have to WRITE IT DOWN is less fun, unfortunately.
Okay, I tried very hard to come up with a tenth bullet, but I don’t have it in me. We’ll all have to deal with only nine. Fortunately, nine is one of Carla’s favorite numbers, so I think she’d say that this was an ideal situation rather than a failure of imagination.
What’s new with you today, this first day of May?
Happy May!
Yep if you give someone 5 ideas for a girls weekend and they veto them all, then they are officially responsible for all of the planning and logistics. Or they’re not going so the rest of the group should pick their favorite idea and have a good time.
I only use the Apple email app on my phone for work emails, and I’ve definitely had a few disappear. I’ve learned to (1) not send work emails on my phone and (2) if I break that rule to check that they were sent. It’s very strange.
I’m down to read the romance!
I am glad it’s not just me. And I do think it’s JUST on my phone that emails disappear. What is happening?!? Seems like a major flaw in the Apple email design.
I’m so sorry to hear about your skin issue. That must be very distressing and frustrating. I hated having blemishes as a teen, and I can’t imagine dealing with it as an adult.
Shot down ALL 5 ideas? I do think the ball is in her court.
I love the listen, hug, advise idea. That sounds like a great tool in parenting and life in general. I do feel like we should get a parenting book when we bring home a baby or adopt a kid and this would be a very useful chapter.
I’ve known Coach for a long time. We used to sit behind his family at church. I thought his dad was one of Coach’s brothers. So, I married a man and should’ve realized that he would not age – or not age much. I fear one day I’ll be mistaken for his mother. Coach’s weight just falls off too, when he decided to shed 3 lbs. He’s very tall and very thin. Some people get all the luck.
Ha! Yes, Coach’s dad’s agelessness was a good clue. Men and their weight loss though – so exasperating!
Right. The girls trip is now hers to plan. And you should just come to Madison and hang out with the Wisconsin contingent. (I didn’t want to say anything on the last post, but Lake Geneva is sort of boring if you don’t want to do outdoor activities, so definitely Madison is the better option. Or Milwaukee.)
Skin is so hard. I am really lucky that my eczema is limited to my hands and arms, but there have been times when I’ve been so embarrassed about the state of things. My husband had/has terrible cystic acne that has never responded well to medications and he’s very regularly trying to figure out how to hide certain blemishes, so you’re not alone in the Skin Wars. I hope your derm can provide you with some relief.
Nora Goes Off Script is a 5/5 romance novel for me! Even the precocious children did not deter me from loving it! I mean, it could have been improved with a dog, but no book is perfect, right? (Just kidding. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn IS perfect, but Betty Smith is incomparable.)
IT WAS SO GOOD. I just loved every word of that book.
Good to know about Lake Geneva! If I ever make my way to Madison, you can be sure I will request a blogger meetup!
I think it’s definitely now that other person’s girls’ night out to plan; I would say that those were my best suggestions and that I had no more ideas to offer. My younger daughter has that same issue and it’s painful to see. Throughout her life, even her teenage years, she had the most beautiful complexion. For some reason in her thirties, she’s dealing with this. It’s such a struggle because her self-esteem isn’t the greatest to start with. 🙁 I’ve had my spam filter gobble up other people’s emails but I don’t think it would do it to your outgoing ones. That’s a mystery!
I’m sorry your daughter is dealing with this, too. I guess I am grateful that I didn’t have to deal with it during those fragile, turbulent teen years.
Oh, absolutely if all FIVE ideas were shot down, “it is now her girls’ trip to plan”! Good lord.
I also loved Nora Goes Off Script and am looking forward to the author’s next one.
Yes! Such a good book!
I think you have done more than due diligence if you suggested 5 options! On another note, I immediately became distracted by the romance novel I would write if I were to write a romance novel. How quirky would it be? What would drive them apart? Should it break convention and end in a fizzle? My to-do list may never recover, haha!
YES. DO IT.
I also loved Nora Goes Off Script!
She shot down all the ideas?! I would be livid – but the best form of vengeance is clearly to let her plan the whole thing (and maybe shoot down a few of HER ideas).
Love the parenting/relational advice.
My husband is almost 10 years older than I am, and people assume we’re the same age. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions about that *sigh*
I’ll be here for your romance novel, just sayin’…
I am not as annoyed by being shot down as I thought I would be, maybe because it feels so easy to step back? But I love how irritated on my behalf everyone is. Why do men get to age so well????
OH MY GODDDDD SUZANNE WRITE A ROMANCE BOOK! You know I will be first in line for ALL of your books. I’d be hitting that pre-order button before you could turn around, I swear. I am in a very strong position to say that your book-writing skills are excellent, and I have no doubt in my mind you could write a fabulous romance novel. Maybe the love interest would have AMAZING CALVES? I’m just spitballing ideas here.
So, with regards to the trip: if someone thinks that 0/5 ideas are going to work, someone should plan the trip themselves.
Also, nothing but sympathy with regards to the skin stuff and I hope the derm has some good solutions for you.
LOL Nicole! Don’t encourage me! 😉 And yes, the amazing calves are already written.
How frustrating about the girls’ trip! Honestly I wouldn’t really want to be in charge of a trip for someone who didn’t like nature, doesn’t eat, doesn’t drink, etc anyway…sounds very stressful! Does this birthday person even like to travel? Hopefully the other stakeholder is full of fabulous ideas. 😉
And so sorry about the skin. I can relate. Also had good skin when young, and now, not. Knocking on wood, but my late onset acne has generally been much better with the current regimen I’m on, but still not exactly 100%. But it’s much much much less, so I’m so thankful for that. My other big thing is dark spots/ melasma all over my forehead, which is super frustrating. All the creams and whatnot don’t seem to help, and if even a ray of sunshine hits it, it’s like it goes bonkers and flares up even worse. I’ve had to become SUPER diligent about keeping hats on any time I’m in the sun, which is annoying to have to always worry about. I can’t stand it!! I always have some sort of concealer on, and it irritates me to not feel good in my own skin…. In Costa Rica I had this one lingering blemish on my chin, and on the day we went to this waterfall I was hesitant to jump in because I usually always try to keep my head above water so my makeup/concealer won’t wash off… Well, I finally decided, I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss out on this amazing experience with my kids because I’m worried about someone seeing a stupid blemish on my face. How ridiculous. So I said screw it, and I jumped from the waterfall, repeatedly, soaking my head and my face. 🙂 But I had to talk myself into it, because I am also self-conscious about that stuff in public.
Good for you for taking the literal and metaphorical plunge — it is SO hard to get past those feelings of self-consciousness! I’m sorry to hear you are dealing with skin issues too. They suck.
I see some people who are difficult to please…I believe the ball is in your friend’s court. And I doubt I’ll ever recommend a boring location again. Ahem. (By the way, that ahem wasn’t directed at you.) 🤣
Lake Geneva isn’t boring if you like outdoors stuff! But Suzanne had originally written that her friend was NOT into outdoorsy activities, so that’s why I didn’t think LG was a good spot for them. I’m love LG and I think it’s lovely and have had some great times hiking and ziplining there. But. If you’re not boating or hiking or whatever, LG is pretty sleepy! Don’t be mad! It IS lovely and fun!
I’m not mad, I swear. Just teasing. I guess I missed the outdoorsy part….oops. If I had a choice between Madison and LG, I would choose Madison. 🤣
Hahaha – no, not a boring suggestion! “Fun” to us (ie the cool kids here) is just a wildly different thing than “fun” to the people I am traveling with. I think Lake Geneva is beautiful and have been there before and would like to return. But for this crowd… I don’t know if they would appreciate its offerings.
After a terrible two days of non-stop rain, we finally had the sun come out here in New Jersey! Amazing what a little sunshine on my eye balls does to me. I feel so much more positive and joyful. Love the parenting+connection advice. I will use it on my kids and MYSELF!
Yay! Sunshine! That’s so fabulous!!! I hope it persists for you!
The vetoer ABSOLUTELY needs to plan the gd girls weekend. I am annoyed on your behalf. It’s frustrating to come up with all of these ideas and have them all turned down. What is this person imagining? Or does she have a different budget from everyone else? I would have a hard time getting excited for this weekend to be honest… life is complicated enough – I don’t need a girls weekend to ADD stress to my life!
I have so much empathy for your skin issues. I had horrific acne in my late 20s and most of my 30s. If it was accepted to walk around with a bag over my head with holes cut out for my eyes, I would have. We notice it way more than others do but it’s hard to keep that in mind, especially if you are more prone to social anxiety in the first place. I hope the dermatologist has a solution. My acne was so bad during my first pregnancy that I ended up canceling a zoom baby shower w/ my blogging friends because I hated how I looked + wasn’t feeling well due to a flare. So all this is to say that I understand how you feel and I wish I could give you a big hug.
You are so right! This is supposed to be FUN! Not a stressful thing to plan!
Thanks for the virtual hug. I almost want to go back to wearing a mask everywhere, because at least then the bottom half of my face would be hidden. Almost.
Unless the person doing the vetoing is the birthday girl then I’d say let this other person plan the girl’s weekend, because honestly – no matter who plans it, someone WILL not like the plan. As long as the birthday girl approves that’s all that matters.
A blogger girl’s weekend sounds SO fun. Or even a virtual happy hour!
The Listen, Hug, Advise suggestion is great! I wish I’d known of that when mine was small. But it I can see how it would work in all instances.
So sorry about the skin woes. That’s never fun; no matter your age. Hopefully, you can get it resolved soon.
Men! Oh it is SO not fair that they age so well. My husband used to be able to lose weight just by thinking about it. I was resentful, so resentful. But lately, he is having a hard time losing weight…so maybe, at some point, they actually lose that ability? But, dammit! His gray only makes him look more distinguished; whereas MY gray, disheveled hair makes me look like an old crone. *sigh* It’s just not fair.
Ah, well congratulations- you have the same kind of rosacea I do. Isn’t it fun? I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you, but as you said, you’ll probably follow the dermatologist’s advice. One thing I’ll say is, mine has gotten better over the years. The other thing is, I never, ever put hot water on my face. I know it’s hard, but when you’re taking a shower wash your hair in the coolest water you can stand, and wash your face with cold water. I think it really helps. Good luck with it. As far as going out in public, when I’m having a flareup I just go out anyway, but I’m aware every single second of how awful my face looks- it’s not fun. And I totally agree about the teenage acne problem- how terrible it must be for these kids. If either of my kids had terrible acne I wouldn’t hesitate to get them on medication. Teenagers’ self esteem can really suffer when they have skin issues.
Oh a happier note, I think you’ve done your duty and can hand off the girl’s trip planning to someone else!
I just read an article about the Hear, Hug, Help strategy. It was, interestingly, for marriage advice. I think it’s just a great strategy overall.
As for writing a romance novel–I had a dear friend for many years who was a romance writer. She wrote for a couple of the big RW publishing houses, one being Harlequin (for a couple of their lines). They had quite a few rules you have to follow, depending upon which line of theirs you are writing for, i.e., how soon the characters can kiss; whether or not you can actually include a sex scene and if you do, whether or not the characters have to end up married or intending to marry, etc. They also retitled some of her books, which she was not happy about.
She was really good, won some awards, went to conventions as a panelist and speaker, and things like that. Sadly, she died years ago. She used to hate when people tossed off comments about romance novels being trashy and formulaic; when people said they were so easy to write that they could do it. She always said, “How many have you written then?”
It’s said that everyone has a book in them. I’m pretty sure mine will stay inside me. My blog is as close as I’ll get to putting my writing out there. I’m good with that.
I had mild rosacea throughout my forties and early 50s. It’s cleared up and I’m not sure if it was passing menopause or being diagnosed with diabetes and eating less sugar, as those things happened within a year of each other and it was a gradual change.
All five ideas were vetoed? Not even an embellishment made to any of them was offered? Sounds like this person NEEDS to come up with something and see if it passes your thought process. She can’t leave you hanging like that.
Listen, Hug, Advise. I LOVE THIS SO MUCH. This goes for me too…so I’m going to share with my husband who loves to ‘solve my problems’ even when that’s not what I’m looking for.
My Linds was just diagnosed with Rosacea and is going through some stuff too. I hope your Dr. helps you to get it under control. I agree, some people just seem to age gracefully without any problems. It’s easy to Not Like Said People, but he’s your honey, so you must. 😜 LOL.
How about if the vet had to put down his beloved cat and he just couldn’t deal with it having been her? Hmmm…. Or…he had to move home for a time as a caretaker and didn’t want to do long distance? How do you write a breakup where one side doesn’t look like an ass?
In skin commiseration: I’ve been dealing with two patches of what I thought were ringworm on my neck that got redder and redder and bigger to the size of hickies. I put on lotrimen 3 times a day and was following directions that it may take 2 weeks to clear up.
Once I finally was able to catch the patchy looking cat I thought who gave it to me and take her to the vet… she doesn’t have ringworm. Okay… what is on my neck then?!?! And then I used my normal eczema cream and it cleared right up. But now I’ve been slathering my neck with too many things and have broken out in cystic zits all around where the eczema was. I’ve never had eczema anywhere but my eyelids? Life is so unfair I want to cry!
I read but didn’t get a chance to comment on your last post. I saw a lot of great suggestions and I’m surprised all your 5 ideas were shut down! I’m glad that you’re not feeling upset about it — because yes, it means you don’t have to do anything any more…she’s it now. I’d feel the relief it were me…but I’d also feel a bit disappointed none of my ideas weree good enough for her.
I love the idea of Listen Hug Advise. I think it works on a lot of relationships! I told my husband about it this morning and we thought it may be something we could explore and use every so often. One of us is a fixer and gets frustrated when the advise is not followed or even welcome. 🙂
The skin issue is frustrating. I hope you find something that works soon!
I love so much that our current posts have such similar beginnings, involving metaphorical dogs and metaphorical balls, although the fact that you could wish me a week with fewer balls was especially enjoyable and I’m not sure I can adequately reciprocate.
My daughter (who’s been scarily emotionally intelligent since, um, birth) was always really good at telling me when I was trying to fix stuff when “I just kind of wanted to tell you about it”. But Listen, Hug, Advise is an especially apt way of phrasing it.
I am so, so sorry about the skin stuff. I had a weird recurring infection in grad school where my skin would start tightening and flaking and I would eventually look like a burn victim and face stuff is so hard. I agree, no one else ever notices it as much as we do ourselves, but it sounds physically uncomfortable also, which is just miserable and unfair and what the hell, I’m angry. I hope your dermatologist can help you – I was screwed around by incompetent student health services for weeks before I saw a good walk in clinic doc who was enraged on my behalf and sent me to a dermatologist who was similarly enraged and threw everything under the sun at it to knock it back.
My husband cooked salmon while my daughter was here and then she never ended up eating it because BFFs, so we’re eating salmon and salmon fried rice all week and I am not at all mad about it.
I love a good romance novel. Conflict, angst, true love. love it all. Maybe you’re not really looking for ideas, but I couldn’t resist….
Maybe he is independently wealthy because of the person he lost (settlement? inheritance?) and feels a lot of guilt and shame about being independently wealthy because of that loss and that keeps him from loving anyone else? I loooove a good tortured hero.
I hope your skin flair up gets resolved soon. One tangential note re: teens and acne. I always thought that going to the dermatologist was a last resort kind of thing for Very Bad Acne.When my teen kid had some average (to me) acne, I sort of dismissed it as Something We All Go Through and believed that a doctor wasn’t necessary. My other hesitation was that a dermatologist would be dissmissive of teen acne, as a not big deal, or that the treatments would be so harsh that the side effects weren’t worth it. When it continued to bother her, my husband made her an appointment with a dermatologist and none of my worries tuned out to be an issue. My teen is pretty happy that the acne is under control now with some prescription topical stuff. No bothersome side effects. So! Lesson learned!
Ok, that dog-walker analogy? Brilliant. I can relate to that (often). You’re not alone.
Re: the girls’ trip, I didn’t get a chance or input, but yeah, if the other girl vetoes ALL of your ideas, I sure hope she came up with five suggestions herself… or else! I mean, it’s easy to say no to things, but hard to come up with suggestions yourself, I guess.
I feel you on the unfairness of aging between men and women – it’s just not an even playing field. (I did have to chuckle about the attractiveness of your husband’s calves though – I mean, the things we suddenly notice! LOL)
I’m so fracking sick of dinner. If I had my way, we would just do intermittent fasting every night and I would never have to cook again. Sigh. I don’t actually mind cooking at all, I kind of enjoy it, and of course I AM hungry in the evening. I just hate trying to figure out what to make.
Men do age differently, and indeed it is NOT fair. I hate how I do not sleep well anymore, and my husband mostly sleeps great. He does have the good manners to have some health issues, though. Of course, I wish he didn’t. Getting older is not fun, and in our case we are inching up towards 60, and I can tell you that it does not get better. Sigh.
OK, I love that strategy. It’s kind of like what I try to do with my students – but it’s so applicable to every relationship! Thank you for sharing that.
And, um, I’m sorry – but if you veto everything AND you don’t like to do much of anything, then you’re in charge. Suzanne, you are officially Off The Hook. Sheesh. Come to Madison and hang out with us up here! 🙂