One of the most difficult aspects of parenting (for a highly-anxious, prone-to-catastrophizing person like me) is that there is an endless number of potential issues to contend with, and that so many of them come up without warning or context, leaving you to wonder, Is this a normal variation that is just part of a typical childhood? Or is this pathological and requires intervention?
I don’t even know what to give as an example, because the things seem to come entirely out of the blue and I have ZERO idea how to handle them. But things like lying or bed wetting or stuttering – all things that could be Just A Phase, or could be Signs Of A More Complex Problem, but you don’t know until you know, I guess? I hate that. I want to be able to ask my mom or go on Google and hear/read, “A small percentage (5 to 13%) of children DO tend to turn purple at some point, usually between the ages of 6 and 11, but sometimes as early as age 3. Sometimes the hue leans a bit more toward blue or a bit more toward magenta; it typically fades after six months, but can last for up to two years. Avoiding crucifers during this time can truncate the duration. If your child’s skin develops yellow polka dots during the purple phase, take them immediately to the doctor.”
Like, just CLEAR and COMFORTING information that says, this is not super common, but it DOES happen, and here’s what to watch for if you are concerned it’s taking an atypical turn… Why can’t there be that for every possible variation of child behavior? WHY.
(I know why.)
Anyway, what I am hoping to discuss currently is The Teenage Years.
It seems that I have had MULTIPLE encounters lately with adults who like to say, “Just wait until she’s a teenager.” Sometimes, this is in response to Extreme Sassafras (why is there only one S on the end of this word??) on the part of my child, who sometimes turns up the sass factor because she has the mistaken impression that people find it charming/funny. Well. Some people do, in fact, find it charming and funny, which I find tiresome and irritating. But they don’t have to experience True Sass on a daily basis, so I suppose I should give them a break. Sometimes, this baffling warning comes in response to witnessing/discussing something lovely that my kid does – like how she still holds my hand (sometimes) when we’re walking, or how she’ll still sit on my lap while I read to her, or how she still loves to run up and fling herself at people she cares about for a big hug. “Just wait until she’s a teenager,” they’ll intone, this time with a tenor of pre-wistfulness or knowledgeable sadness.
I am familiar with the “cherish the moment” faction. And I am familiar with the “better sleep now, because you won’t sleep again once the baby’s born!” faction. And I am familiar with the concept of people who either forget how much they disliked being forewarned about things you can literally do nothing about or who feel in their heart of hearts that they have somehow encountered The One Person who has gone an entire lifetime without encountering the concept of a phase of life that literally all people go through. People are just… going to do this. From now until the end of time, probably. And yet, I still find this so irritating I want to scream.
Probably it is because I am growing increasingly anxious/fearful of The Teenage Years with every passing day.
And also, I am irritated because it feels inescapably gendered. I don’t think my friend who has sons gets “Just wait until he’s a teenager”ed every five minutes. Plus, I cannot tell you how many times I have heard people say things in knowing, faux-concerned voices about how a person (usually the father) is going to endure life with THREE TEENAGE DAUGHTERS, as if that is just the absolute worst thing that any human can live through.
But mainly, I am irritated because I cannot do anything about it. Nothing. If we are very lucky, my daughter will grow and age and at some point become A Teenager. That is a thing that happens. I cannot prolong her not-a-teenager years any more than I can prolong my own youth.
I am not discounting the very real effects of hormonal changes on young adults! I realize that teenagers CAN be moody and distant and disrespectful and all the terrible things! I get it! Puberty is an actual phenomenon that changes people’s behavior!
But I am just super annoyed at the people who keep saying, “Just you wait.” WHAT am I supposed to do with that information? Cherish every non-teenage moment, I suppose.
Today, I am going to make two lists. One list of things that I can look FORWARD to about the teenage years, and a list of things that I want to address when my daughter is a teen. Preferably, my husband and I would discuss and have a plan for these things well in advance, but to be honest, they seem both so horrifying and so far away that I am struggling to focus on them.
Things About the Teenage Years to Look Forward To
- Having a kid who can drive herself to / from places (I recognize that this is also a negative point, because I cannot fathom my precious baby a) operating an enormous motor vehicle or b) driving around in the world with so many oblivious idiots)
- Being able to watch ALL (most) movies together
- Prom
- Having more time to myself / more silence (“Just you wait,” says the knowing post-teenage parent, “When she’s a teenager you’ll find yourself LONGING for the days when she talked nonstop for four straight hours.”)
- Fewer toys cluttering up the house
- Real conversations
- No need for a babysitter
- Another cook in the house
- No more playdates – or, at least, not being in charge of scheduling/organizing playdates and enduring the unbearable awkwardness of interacting with parents I don’t know
- No longer needing to be the communication bridge between my kid and her friends
Things I Want to Figure Out How to Address
- Social media
- Phone / screen time
- Peer pressure around sex / drugs / alcohol / social media / appearance
- Sexual assault
- Driving, with and without friends
- Spending the night at other kids’ houses
- Romantic relationships
Well, these lists both seem too short. I did consult a few online lists along the lines of “Great Things About Having a Teen!” Some of them – like enjoying shopping together, or sharing clothing and makeup – seem difficult to predict; I don’t know if Carla will care about shopping or clothing or makeup. And I want to emphasize academics and career-planning, but I’m not sure how to do so in a way that prioritizes Carla’s personality/goals rather than emphasizing the values I grew up with, so I’m not putting it on the list currently. I will continue to think about these topics and add to the lists as I come up with new items. Let me know what you would include. (And if you have any good books about anticipating / raising teenagers, I would be interested in those!)
In the meantime, I ordered this book over the weekend:
While Carla is not quite nine, we are knocking on nine’s door. I am really hoping that the heretofore kind, measured Louise Bates Ames doesn’t say anything akin to, “Just WAIT until she’s a teenager.”
Teenagers can be quite nice. And very helpful. You can’t predict much about how teen years might affect your daughter (my girls varied wildly) . Sometimes it seems to concentrate a lot of what the girl already are with some weird swings. Just be patient, have clear boundaries, and don’t take it all personally. And make sure she eats enough.
Phone – wait until she needs one to call you for rides from activities.(that’s about 9th grade for my kids- we get a very basic phone as there are no payphones anymore. )
– driving- follow your state’s rules and your daughter’s inclination. And once she gets plenty of practice and has a license, let her drive by herself for short, familiar distances. (School and work for my kids.)
As for a lot of the other things, remember a lot of this you’re already working on- all the parenting you’re doing now- will start coming to fruition in teen years. And you need to continue having rules that help your daughter to grow. So if you don’t want her sleeping over at someone’s house, you don’t have to do it.(that desire seems to peak about 12 yrs old and then dies down). Encourage her in her activities, make sure she maintains her school work- but a lot of HS work and responsibilities will be on her.
Just listen to her when she wants to talk, make sure you meet her friends at times to know what kind of crowd she’s hanging out with( having teens come over for a school project or to bake cookies is nice and you can observe without it being conspicuous. )
And remember a lot of good conversations happen in the car.
My teens sometimes were very hard to deal with, some got much easier, and I like them all.
Read some teen parenting books but remember you need to do what works for your family. Pick and choose.
Oh, how hopeful I am that the things we are working on now are somehow, somewhere sticking!
I probably shouldn’t write much on this topic because things are hard with North right now, for reasons I can’t go into on the blog. But I will say this since it’s on your list of concerns. I think we made a mistake getting them a smart phone when they were eleven. Put it off if you can. Once they have a phone it’s almost impossible to measure/monitor their screen time, even though you can install some limits on the actual device.
And here’s some encouraging news: I remember being nine as one of my favorite ages and nine and ten were very good ages for both my kids, (and eleven was pretty good for Noah). I won’t tell you to enjoy every minute of nine, and your mileage may vary, but the odds are in your favor.
Oh, and having more cooks is a definite plus!
I desperately want to hold off on giving Carla a phone as LONG as possible. And yay for a (potentially) good age! Seven and eight have been pretty spectacular, so it seems greedy to hope it will continue (but I hope it will continue).
I’m dipping my toes in the teenage years with a 14 year old. So far the 12-13 stage was the hardest. There was an adjustment of expectations for me. I had to let go of some routines that involved spending time together because she wanted to be with friends or alone in her room. Family movie night was on pause for a while, but she’s initiated it again.
In the pro column are that teenagers can do their own laundry and dishes and can be quite capable at cleaning when you can effectively direct their efforts. Also, it’s so interesting to get her take on issues and have discussions. She’s helping me understand the cultural changes that her generation has embraced and are different from how my peers view the world.
I really appreciate the note about adjusting MY expectations.
It WAS a process. Not gonna lie – it hurt that my formerly close kid pushed away. Once I caught on about normal developmental changes and this stage being necessary part of adolescence, it was easier for both of us. Some great books out there about parenting teens are helping me through it! My teen and I are still close, just in a different way.
Any book recommendations you can share?
I really liked this one, Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood by Lisa Damour. Anything by her is great! She also has a fabulous parenting podcast.
Thanks so much!
You can’t help but wonder, “exactly where is this sassafras is going to lead?!” But it’s annoying that people are so doom-and-gloom about it, almost condemning the daughter (never the son, you’re right) to bad behavior. Not nice.
WELL, I can tell you that the teenage years are not as scary as everyone makes them out to be. My girl is 14 now and truly becoming more delightful as she gets older. She has her moments, yes. But here are some more things to look forward to:
– she’ll advise you on makeup/hair/clothes (hopefully in a nice way) so you can feel somewhat on-trend, sometimes
– she will write you sweet notes on birthday cards
– she will probably develop a sense of humor that’s actually funny to you
– her friends’ moms will commiserate with you about raising teen girls and you will feel 100% better every time you talk to them
Maybe I’m feeling so positive because Kate isn’t at home right now, she’s at camp for 2 weeks, haha! I did get a door slammed at me, _on my birthday_, last week. But still, overall, I have never once longed for the days when she was a sassy 6-7-8-9 year old, I promise. You’ve got this.
This was SO comforting!
Teenagerhood is one of my favorite ages so far! Teens are AMAZING. And it’s not just Elizabeth either- her friends are a delight. They are so clever and interesting and funny. It’s been so great watching her become more of a real person. She’s capable and smart and independent. I suspect these “just you wait” people don’t like their younger children either because Elizabeth has just become more of what she was before. She tells me all the middle school gossip and makes me lunches and sometimes she cleans up the kitchen or the downstairs just because she feels like it. Carla is going to be an amazing teen because she’s already an amazing kid.
Somehow I cannot compute that ELIZABETH is a TEENAGER. That cannot be accurate???
And she’s an AMAZING teenager too. I want to walk around and show her off with jazz hands, like “BEHOLD, WORLD!”
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
We have been through the teen years with one child and are knocking on the door with our youngest. They are 15+ years apart and have very different personalities, so I don’t know what to expect either! Our oldest was super independent and let us know often that did not understand/like that different parents have different rules. But he also was funny and helpful and smart as a whip and never had to be reminded about homework. You are absolutely correct about both sides of the driving, but it was mostly positive! He also once spelled his name in cursive on our lawn with the lawn mower (hilarious and creative)!
Inside jokes and conversations about the world/current events are my favorite things right now with the 12.75 yo. He’s funny and sensitive and smart. He is also exasperating sometimes. Exasperation aside, being a teenager is hard enough, so I mainly strive to be someone he can trust to be a safe place for him to just be.
Yes — being a safe place for the kid to just be. Such a good reminder.
Teens are awesome. Don’t let anyone scare you! Just raise kids now in a way that you’ll like to hang out with them later 😊
You make it sound so easy!
Well, I am going to say that I have loved every minute of the teen years, and yes, I do have boys and there does seem to be a gendered point of view when people say this, but boys also have mood swings and angst and STILL I LOVE THE TEEN YEARS. Sure, there have been attitude things, and of course there are things like driving, teen relationships, friendships, blah blah blah, but honestly, I think they teen years are just so great. They are so interesting, and they have so many ideas, and I just love it. I think the biggest issue for me has been mentally letting go and letting them experience things the way they experience them – sometimes they will be really, really sad. Sometimes they will be really, really frustrated. At this point in parenting it’s more about guidance and being there if needed, but letting them do their thing. I could talk for days about this. Parenting teens throughout a pandemic wasn’t great but I did it, and I’m proud of the way my boys turned out. But yeah, the letting go. It’s really hard.
Taking lots of notes…
Also – ALSO – adjusting your expectations as to how and when they want to spend time with you, that has been important for me. Sometimes they want to hang, sometimes they don’t, and it’s all okay.
It’s funny, mine are 32 (WHAT??) and almost 28, and now I look back on their teenage years with fondness! Both gave us grief in different ways, of course, but we also spent a lot of time together as a family, including watching TV and forming in-jokes that we still reference now. Firefly and Gilmore Girls were two shows that my kids (son and daughter) both loved.
As I thought about my experience with them as teenagers, it hit me that their behavior during those years was VERY much influenced by other kids. My daughter was bullied quite a lot in middle school, so the sweet, animal-loving earnest 8/9 year old became angry and very self-critical as she got older. It completely changed her, more so than just becoming a teen.
My son fell in with a group of partiers when he was a senior; before that, he was kind of an outlier with crazy clothes/hair/musical interests, very into anime and cosplay when it was still a weird thing to do. (All of his school portraits in HS were of him dressed up as a Final Fantasy character named Squall … except his senior portrait, when they refused to let him do that. I remember telling myself, “Someday you’ll think this is funny!” and now I really do!) Anyway, those friends led him down a not so good path that took years for him to pull out of.
So I would just encourage trying to be aware of her friendships – not control them or anything, just keep that radar up as far as bullying and that sort of thing. I wish I could have spared my kids the grief that came along with that. But teens in general – good stuff!
Ooooh friendships are SO tough. I am at such a loss as to how to manage that… aside from trying to be aware and talking through examples of friendships we see (books, TV, in the wild, etc.) and discussing what we like/don’t think/think is weird or bad or good. My kid already has a tendency toward being independent and not wanting to share a whole lot, so I feel in the dark about a lot of friendship stuff already.
The most comforting thing I can think of to say is that it’s not as if Carla will suddenly knock on your door as a teenager that you don’t know. It happens slowly, and she will still be herself. My older two are 15 and 13 and while the challenges are different, I mostly love the experience of older kids. You can really see your efforts coming to fruition, with a solid dose of reminder that they are, in fact, their own people and your influence only goes so far (in a good way, not a scary helpless way).
I mostly just try to focus on the stage we’re in; while the challenges shift, I have enjoyed my kids more and more as they grow up (currently 11.5 and 7.5). I love the independence and they’re mostly wonderful little humans to be around. Every stage has perks and drawbacks and I don’t expect the teenage years to be any different. I definitely have moments of intense anxiety: “My child is going to hate me forever” or, more commonly “They’d be so much happier if they had a different mother – I don’t give them what they “need”…” But I try to look at the situation objectively: my kids are loved, safe, and mostly DON’T hate me. They have a good life and part of their good life is not knowing how good they have it
I love your lists of things to look forward to and would try to ignore the “Just You Wait” folks. I know some people who had really, really challenging experiences when their kids were little and the teen years were AMAZING.
I tend to be a pessimistic person but at this point, I’m feeling optimistic about what’s to come.
Also, we just got back from visiting my sister who has three teenage girls and they were the best. They cook meals, drive, have jobs, do their own laundry, and are so much fun to be around. I loved watching how competent they have become over the years and think it can be a great time for family growth!
“Just you wait” is a candidate for the “things that should not be said out loud” list and yes people have said this to us about the boys.
I can confirm that being able to watch most movies together, no babysitters, and real conversations are great perks of the teenage years. Yes they go through phases where they hole up in their rooms but my husband makes them have dinner with us and there’s a house rule that computers have to stay downstairs in the family room so we still get to see them quite a lot;-)
I love that house rule!
I am going to echo what others have already said, teenagers are great! I always said my goal was to raise kind, helpful people who can take care of themselves. I have spent their teen years showing them how to cook, clean, pay bills, and do laundry so they can be self sufficient and helpful to their future spouses. We didn’t allow them to have phones until they were 13 and only my daughter was interested in social media (instagram) at that age. We used/use a supervision app which limits overall time, time on specific apps, etc. My oldest (19) still shares her location with us on Google maps as a matter of safety, not because we are constantly checking up on her. She also has a weekly lunch date with her grandfather (she is the oldest grandchild) which I find completely charming.
Chris, what supervision app do you use? So far we’ve just been using the iphone screen time app, but I feel it is a bit limited in its capabilities. I want to explore some other options.
We use Qustodio. I can limit how much total screen time per day on different devices, as well as different apps. It has gps locator, and I can lock down his phone during school hours (so he can’t play games or watch YouTube during the school day). There is also a feature where you can see their text messages and monitor Facebook, but my kids figured out a way around the text messages pretty quickly and don’t use Facebook.
I have an almost 15 year old daughter (and an 11 year old son) and while I of course miss her younger self, I am no less delighted by her teenage self! She is reasonable, funny, smart, super witty, informed about the world and interesting to talk to. I love hanging out with her. And she likes spending time with me (and her dad) too! We let her operate under her own judgement a lot, and she has demonstrated to us that her judgment is very good.
I think teenagers get a bad rap. We had a brief period of time – 3 months? – when she was maybe 13 that I had to have a few “Serious Conversations” about attitude and respect, but for the most part, she has just become more interesting as she has gotten older. I am very happy that the many, many warnings that I got about having a teenage girl were basically misleading.
We gave her a phone early (at 10) because she was going to school 40 minutes away from home, but didn’t allow any social media (and even then just instagram) until she was in the 8th grade, which I think was a very good decision. Group texts is the major form of communication and we had a standing rule that we could take and read her phone at any time (and sometimes we did). We removed almost all restrictions once she hit high school, but she still isn’t a huge social media person. With respect to screen time, it’s pretty hard to maintain hourly limits once into middle school because they spend all their time on computers for school.
I think for the other things – relationships and substance abuse and appearance and peer pressure – my best advice is to work when they are young to build really positive and honest communication habits. We practiced talking honestly to our daughter about tough things when she was still young (and do the same with our son), and had a policy of absolute honestly in both directions. It was probably the rule that we cared about and emphasized the most. She still talks to us, and tells me most things, and I am way more informed about what’s going on in school than some of her friends’ parents (who are my friends). Building trust is just super important, and making them feel like no matter what, you are just on their side and in their corner. Even when they screw up.
One amazing pro which you kind of touched upon is that they 1) make their own plans and 2) even when you do have to pick them up / drop them off etc., you can just communicate directly with them and not with the parents. No babysitters is pretty awesome too.
I agree with your first commenter. You have to take things as they come because they are impossible to predict. Much of what I worried about never came to pass but other issues did that I had to deal with on the fly. Good conversations do happen in the car and I missed driving my girls around to various activities. Kids are paying attention even when you don’t think they are or they don’t acknowledge your words. My daughters (32 and nearly 36) still point out things to me that I said or did that I don’t even remember but that made an impact on them.
We are full steam ahead into the teenage years right now over here. One turns 14 next month, the other is 12 1/2. I’d say these last 6 months or so I feel we’ve really turned a “corner”, and are pretty decisively inside teen territory, versus that sort of vague periphery area. We’ve had to start to address some of the things on your list, and I’ve got nothin’ for you, really. I feel sort of constantly confused if we’re doing things right. A couple issues that I did NOT think would have been an issue for our boys HAVE been an issue, yet in other areas they are still so youthful/ hanging on to that child-likeness. This summer is definitely seeing an increase in independence- being able to bike places, wanting more “alone” time/ TONS of time with friends, etc. They still are generally agreeable to doing stuff with us, but it depends. Not always. And even though they are boys, we’ve definitely seen some intermittent attitude changes. Navigating the phone use/ screen time has been a big thing we are figuring out. Overall, I can’t complain too much so far though. Like I said, a few issues here and there, but for the most part, things are going well. It is pretty awesome to never need a babysitter anymore, husband and I can go out to dinner and they just stay home, to be able to call/ text them, assign them bigger chores (cutting the grass…), etc. Also, you can do a lot of cool stuff with teens. Like we just spent a whole day in Chicago and went to a pro soccer game- littles would never have been able to walk the distances we did, or be up that late, etc. It was so easy with the boys at their ages- same with travel!! Travel gets so great once they are older.
I am team banish the phrase “just you wait.” I freaking hate that, and I am often on the receiving end of that phrase right now. I’m learning that every stage has its ups and downs. It’s not all bad or all good, at least in my experience of ages 0-4. But I have 4 teen nephews and they are all really great. No one has had major issues so far and hopefully that remains the case. I think to myself – well, I was a teen and I made it through with the relationship with my parents in tact. I was a very well-behaved rule followed but at times I was SO MEAN to my poor mom. I have apologized profusely but I was their 4th kid so I think they knew what to expect and nothing really phased them.
I thought this cup of jo post was really enlightening and makes the teen years seem not so bad? I am encouraged by all the positive comments about the teen years above. I tell myself that the teen years might be tough but I’ll be sleeping through the night so will be less tired? I hope?
https://cupofjo.com/2022/01/31/parenting-teens-advice/
As the mother of a boy, I can add to the others – yes, we got the just you wait comments too. Our experience was that the mood swings, at least for ours, was mainly between 12-14. And, in hindsight, it wasn’t terrible for the most part.
I will say keep an eye on the friend group. I think that who they are hanging out is important and will be a huge part of whether or not they make good decisions.
There will be period where Carla will spend most of her time at home in her room. They don’t realize it, but they are weaning themselves from us (a horrible thought, I know. But that IS our job – teaching them how to fly); which means we’ve done a good job.
The social media/phone issue. Oh my, you have my deepest sympathy on that one. We were lucky, that issue was only beginning to emerge when ours was a teen. For us, it was sometime in middle school that ours got a phone…and it wasn’t a smart phone. And I monitored everything to the best of my ability without being too terribly overbearing about it. I do remember telling him when I finally let him have a FaceBook account that he better NEVER post anything anywhere that he would be ashamed to have me or his Nana see. And, to my knowledge, he never has. I don’t think kids realize just how damaging that could be to their futures.
Her driving will be amazing, terrifying AND means some freedom for you – but you will be sad at first because, yes. The best conversations usually happen in the car.
Sending future hugs to future you (also hugs to current you; whose already pondering the future). You are going to be a fine mother of a teenager. Carla is going to be fine. You are doing a great job as a mother and role model. Will there be bumps in the road? Yes. But that is life. Love that girl with all your heart, make sure she knows that she can come to you with anything, no matter how big or small and you’ll work through it together. And know that we are here if you need to vent or brag. And we’ll be cheering you on. xo
Well Gigi this made me all teary! ❤️
I know you requested books….. But I’m here to suggest the podcast “ask lisa.” She addresses all sorts of kids and teen issues in a very relatable, approachable, common sense way. I find it encouraging add I look ahead to my own kids making the kid-to-teen transition in the coming years.
Thank you!
The very best resource that I’ve found for managing screens during the teen years is the TechnoSapiens Newsletter: https://technosapiens.substack.com/archive
I’m a middle and high school tech educator and I spend a lot of time talking to parents and kids about their screen habits. The most common thing that I hear is that parents have every intention of delaying smart phones but at some point there’s a social “tipping point” and they find that their kid really is the last one in their friend group without a phone and it can result in kids being/feeling left out.
What I’ve seen work well is when a group of parents get together and decide as a group/community that they will ALL wait until a certain age or grade level before their kids get a smartphone and especially social media. Gabb phones are a wonderful in-between because they can call and text and take pictures and it LOOKS like a smartphone, but doesn’t have any of the other bells and whistles. Gabb Phone for middle school and a slow intro to smartphones in 9th grade seems to be a balance that works well for lots of families that I’ve spoken with.
If you’re friendly with even one or two of Carla’s friend’s parents, this is a conversation that you could all have together before it feels urgent. Some parents have worked with the PTA at their kid’s school to promote “Wait Until 8th (or 9th)” and then it’s on parent’s radar when they are trying to make a decision: https://www.waituntil8th.org/
Every family culture is different and there are as many ways to successfully approach screens as there are families! But so many parents feel like they have to make these choices individually when the solutions are often community based.
I’m child-free so I offer no ominous advice about what is to come. I will say I believe you when you mention your anxieties about what is to come– and that I’m sure you’ll be able to handle whatever comes your way Carla. You’re too smart to not do so.
❤️ Thanks so much for the confidence Ally
This section is full of suggestions, but the most important thing to remember is that no one knows what they are doing. I don’t mean this in a negative way, but as a human. No one gave parents a manual, so there is no way to mess up because there is no manual. Did you know how to take care of Carla when she was a baby? Most likely not. But you did. You probably also didn’t know how to care for a toddler or a preschooler. But here you are. ❤️
I’m sure you’ll be just the parent Carla needs when she’s a teenager. And if you hit some bumps, we are here to support you. Xoxo
Thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️
😘
I hate the “just wait til they’re teenagers” comments. I have four daughters and found that their personalities as teenagers were pretty much the same as they’d been as children. There was hormonal moodiness as young teens, but it wasn’t awful, and by the time they were 15 or so they were utterly delightful.
I’ve been wanting to read this post, but was busy with our grad party (celebrating two amazing teen daughters, BTW) and had 3 doc appointments yesterday. So, I’m late, but I’m here to say I love teenagers. Carla will be great because of how you’ve been raising her. I often find teen boys to be harder than teen girls. The girls open up more to me.
Overall, I agree with Collmart. They are fun. They get jokes, they’ll make you laugh. Our teenagers work insanely hard outside the home, and dump their stuff everywhere at home, but it’s a small price to pay. They are empathetic and kind and funny.
We’ve been VERY lucky that the girls have chosen amazing girls to be friends with. They’ve had little to no girl drama and they are 14 and 18. Mini is incredibly self confident and cares little what people think. A rare trait and I wish I could tell you how that happened. I think we just always shrugged off the nonsense and urged her to do her own thing and be her own person.
We don’t do phones until high school. We have made exceptions, like when Reg was being left out of stuff his friends were doing. We got him a phone in Feb of 2020 – a few months before 8th grade ended. I do hate phones, but there are ways to limit how much data they have, etc.
I would also say try not to be too controlling, they don’t like that, but also have clear boundaries. Curly has a friend who is NEVER allowed to sleepover at friends’ houses. That seems extreme, but that’s the way they roll and she comes to sleepovers and gets picked up at like 11. I dislike sleepovers because my kid is so tired the next day, but I imagine this family has bigger concerns.
I think our biggest WATCH OUT for the teen years comment revolved around YOUR UPCOMING FOOD BILLS. That made us laugh, but otherwise that mindset is awful. We’ve had very little difficulty with our teens.
I know it’s easy for me to say, but I hope you don’t fret too much. The teenage years could be your favorite years with Carla, for all you know.
While I think that all kids go through changes in puberty, I want to reassure you, it does NOT have to be awful. I, for example, did not hit a big rebellious phase during puberty and cannot even remember any big fall outs with my parents. I am sure there were changes and some headbutting, but overall, I think I was a pleasant teenager … 🙂 maybe Carla is going to be the same… you won’t know and shouldn’t fret about things that won’t happen.
I do understand your worries about the things you listed as “to address”… some of these are particular to our times (e.g. social media) and I don’t envy parents who are navigating these difficult waters.