why does my brain do this to me

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Friday Randomosity: Of Frazz and Birthdays

What are you doing this weekend? I don’t even KNOW what I’m doing. Or maybe I do? I think my mom and I have plans to maybe go shopping? And while we do that, my dad is going to examine this segment of siding that has decided it is a ruffle. And then maybe I will make dinner? My husband also said something about going to look at outdoor furniture??? Was that this weekend???

I feel so overwhelmed by life – all good things!! everything is good and happy and extremely stressful! – that I can literally only think about the step immediately ahead of me. Right now, that looks drinking some water (per Sarah) and making lunch and doing a tiny brain dump. 

  • This Is Just Mean: As you may have gleaned, I have been in such a state of frazz. SUCH A STATE. I keep doing this thing where my brain will smugly prank me and – this requires an example. I was sitting at Carla’s sports practice, scrolling through Twitter trying to work on my sorely neglected novel, when all of a sudden I saw a tweet that said, simply, “One word to describe Cancers” and my brain helpfully said “Your friend H is a Cancer.” And then my body went cold and my heart skipped because a) H is not a Cancer but b) her birthday was ten days ago did I even acknowledge it???? 

I did acknowledge it, both via text and in person, but it still took me several nearly-avoided-a-car-accident moments to recover from the horror of potentially forgetting a friend’s birthday. WHAT THE HELL, BRAIN? 

Especially what the hell because this has been happening all week. Little pinches in the back of the thigh that have been wildly (if momentarily) terrifying and – so far – completely unhelpful. I am doing the things, I guess, even if I am apparently not making a mental record of them having been done.

  • I’m A Lot Like You: My brain has also been doing that thing (HI NICOLE) where it hyperfocuses on one or two lines of a single song, and then blares those two lines ad infinitum into my skull in the middle of the night. (The song in question is El Scorcho, which I quite like as long as I don’t think too hard about the lyrics.) (The narrator is an entitled dick, is my view when I do think about the lyrics, which I have been a lot because they are always elbowing into my thoughts. A girl does not owe you her interest simply because you have a thing for her. Also, maybe don’t read girls’ diaries?)
  • Tiny Weezer Fan: Speaking of Weezer, if you also have a tiny Weezer fan in your household, I just ordered this T-shirt for Carla. It will be one of her birthday presents and I am so excited for her to open it. 
  • Rev-Up of the Birthday Sads: We are getting SO CLOSE to Carla’s tenth birthday. I am excited and happy because it is a joy to see her grow up, but I am also a little sad. On the way to camp this morning, I literally started crying in the car simply because I thought about one specific moment from her birth. She was born with the umbilical cord around her neck, and was whisked away to the NICU pretty immediately after she was born. I couldn’t move my legs because of the epidural, plus I was shaky and vomity after giving birth, so I remember shrieking at my husband that he needed to go with her. She was brand new! And now she was all alone! Don’t let her be alone!!!! Obviously everything turned out just fine, but the thought of that little new-to-the-world infant, wrenched from her warm cozy womb into a cacophony of unfamiliar blaring light and sound, and then instantly separated from the voices she was accustomed to… Oh my god, it just breaks my heart. Still. 
  • Shellacking the Sad with Other Anxiety! Yay!: So instead of thinking about and possibly dealing with my Feelings, I am masking the sadness with ridiculous worries that are not worries. My latest: Ten is a special age! Should I be doing Something Special? Like, especially special? We are having dinner at Carla’s favorite restaurant with all her grandparents, and then we’ll come home to eat cake (she now wants a vanilla cake with vanilla buttercream topped with raspberries, raspberry jam in between the layers, and a raspberry coulis on the side. “Simple,” she said.) (Maybe something like this? With vanilla instead of raspberry buttercream? Or this one, although it’s got cream cheese frosting instead of buttercream? Or this one, which sounds just right but has a few unusual ingredients that are making me squinty?) and open presents. Is there some sort of special You Are Ten type of gift I should be getting her? What is memorable about your tenth birthday? Or the tenth birthdays of people in your life? Can it just be a normal birthday or do I need to do something extra? And if “yes to extra,” what should that be??? Look at that. I am feeling less sad and more stressed as I type! 
  • Pool Hair Do Care: Let’s ABRUPTLY change subjects! Carla is doing a lot of swimming this summer and her hair is not loving it. She has fine hair. It’s light in color. It’s long (below her shoulders). And it’s wavy. This plus repeated chlorine exposure all adds up to hair that feels brittle and does not brush well. I bought some special shampoo and conditioner designed to help with chlorine removal, but either Carla isn’t using enough of it or it needs more time to work. I’ve tried forcing her to wear a swim cap, but a) I can’t police her at camp and b) she’s already lost one swim cap and the other is so tight it gives her headaches and c) it doesn’t seem like the swim caps are actually water tight anyway. I am NOT a swimmer so if you have any swim-related advice, hair specific or other, I would welcome it. 
  • Bloggy Book Club: I used the shampoo/conditioner purchase as an excuse to buy a copy of A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, which I am eager to read as part of Engie’s bloggy book club in July. Are you joining us? I started reading it to Carla this week and her initial impression is that it is boring. I am not sure if she will have a secondary impression because she keeps rejecting my attempts to keep reading. We haven’t even made it through the first chapter! (I do not think it is boring. I think it’s fascinating.) It’s been more than a decade since I first read (listened to) this book, and I’m really excited to see if I love it as much on a second read as I did the first time.
  • Summer Skirt Success: I think I already mentioned this, but I went on a bit of a buying binge in May and got a bunch of cute dresses. This skirt was among them and I wore it for the first time this week and LOVED IT. It is super light, and so long it skims the tops of my feet. I wore it with this bodysuit, which I also surprisingly really like. It’s a nice thick material so that you can’t see a bra underneath it. Well, I didn’t wear, like, a bright purple bra under it or anything so YMMV, I guess. But it’s very soft and I like how smmoth-to-the-body it is compared to a T-shirt; I always feel frumpy when I try to pair a T-shirt with a skirt, but perhaps that’s user error.

All right, I think that’s all I have today. Thanks, as usual, for listening. While things are no less busy around here – and are about to get even busier and more full of change – at least my houseguests are gone and I have the house to myself once more. Laundry is laundrying, the dishwasher is running (somehow we used every single non-specialty drinking glass that I own), and I am starting to feel a teensy bit more normal. My head is still full of Weezer, though. How stupid is it? I can’t talk about it. I gotta sing about it and make a record of my heart.

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Ghosts of Christmas Past Except Not About Christmas and Not Involving Ghosts

My brain is doing that periodic thing that it does which is to torment me with things that happened long ago about which I can do nothing. And then dwelling on those things until I cannot think about anything productive. 

HOW do you stop that? I am not even talking about middle-of-the-night perseveration, although that has been happening too. I am talking about straight up driving home from taking Carla to school and then BAM, “Remember when you did this totally awful and stupid thing? No, but do you REALLY remember it? Let’s go through every moment in excruciating detail.”

There WAS a stupid thing I did, last fall, and I’d managed to forget about it. Until my brain slapped me with the memory.

It was one of those horrible errors that is totally preventable and has an actual cost to it. Like forgetting to return a pair of shoes that don’t fit before the 30-day return period ends. Or backing your car into the garage wall. Or leaving your car windows open all night during a rainstorm. Things that could have been prevented had you been slightly less lazy or more proactive. I can feel my face heating up with residual shame. Such a waste! A preventable waste of money! And not a SMALL amount of money, either. We were so fortunate to be able to pay for my mistake, and my husband was extremely kind about it even though he would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS make that kind of mistake. Why? Why did I let that happen? And why am I thinking about it NOW?

I would say that it’s because I just did another stupid money-wasting thing (My phone has been disconnecting from our wi-fi, and I didn’t notice, and I have just willy nilly been watching Instagram videos and scrolling through apps and downloading – good gourd – a ONE POINT NINE GIGABYTE package of bird sounds from Merlin Bird ID, all while connected to the cellular network. We do not have unlimited data, and in fact only use about 5-6 GB of data per month among the three of us, and I have used NINE GIGABYTES, all by myself, in five days. And we have 25 days left in the month before our data resets. And yet, we can buy more data, a GB at a time, but each GB costs $15 which is not nothing!) but I have been torturing myself with the earlier money-wasting thing for weeks now. So who knows. 

Anyway, it’s good for internal piling on: I am the worst, stupidest person, totally oblivious to important things. I am costing our family money for NO REASON. No one else would make such a dumb mistake! I can see that I’m not connected to wifi just by looking at the top of the phone, and I am on my stupid phone all the damn time! I am a drain on our finances and worthless to boot! 

It’s not even just things I DID, it’s all sorts of things, like how I was going through old yearbooks a few summers ago, and discovered that this boy I’d had a crush on for years had written something filthy in my sixth grade annual. I had no idea what it meant at the time, but I can imagine all the other middle school boys giggling about it. And WHY did he write such a thing? We were friends! I may have had a crush on him, but there was never anything but friendship between us. And I was friends with him for YEARS after he scrawled that crude suggestion in my yearbook. 

Should I throw out my yearbook? Scratch out those awful words with permanent marker? Re-evaluate all my relationships?

Why am I thinking about this? I didn’t even find the yearbook recently; it was AT LEAST two years ago, if not more.

Or the other day, I was out for a lovely walk in the snow and instead of enjoying the feeling of snowflakes kissing my cheeks and the sound of my boots crunching in the snow, I started thinking about another awful boy, this one in high school, who once mentioned he’d seen me outside my music teacher’s house after my lesson, pacing back and forth on the sidewalk, waiting for a parent to pick me up. He told me I looked like a hooker. A HOOKER. We were in high school. Why would his mind go there? And why would he TELL me such a thing? And why am I furious about it NOW, a million years after the fact? 

Why are schoolage boys so awful? Not all of them – not yours, surely. But enough of them to make a difference. Will Carla have to deal with boys like this? Will they write grotesque things in her yearbook? How am I going to protect her heart from being infected by terrible people? I have no idea how to protect her or prepare her. I really have no business being a mother if I can’t help her understand that there are people who are mean and hurtful for no reason… but without crushing her spirit.

And then there are more examples of me being a terrible person and parent. Like how last summer, there was a mortifying incident involving another mom and her kids of the sort that makes me a) wonder how, when a child knows The Rules and has shown that they know them and can follow them, they can occasionally not just forget The Rules but flaunt them? And b) how am I possibly equipped to be a parent if I can’t convey the importance of The Rules and how they are meant to be followed always, not just on a whim? I’ve been going over and over that event (which turned out fine! everyone is fine!) and coming up with The Exact Perfect Thing that I should have said or did at the time, instead of saying and doing what I did say and do, which was nothing is except standing in gape-mouthed mortification and letting the other mother take the disciplinary lead. How is this helping anyone, to go over and over it? 

Oh, lord, and there was that other time? With this same mom? When I saw her kid on the sidewalk, by himself, two blocks from home. I was in my car and stopped and asked him if he was okay and if his mom knew where he was, and he said yes and yes. So we kept driving. I pulled up my phone so I call his mother but before I could do so, we saw her on the sidewalk. She was frantic with worry, because she’d lost him. I was able to tell her where he was, but I keep kicking myself for not STAYING WITH HIM and calling her. I could have just stayed right there in my car! But I didn’t! I kept driving! Why? Why did I do that? It all worked out okay, but WHY DID I DO THAT?

You see? It’s not enough that my brain torment me with one thing. It’s got to get right in there with hit after hit after hit. Why can’t it just leave the past in the past and focus on doing the best job possible NOW?

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Valentine’s Day, Brain Day Off, Dinners This Week

Happy Valentine’s Day, Internet! We don’t really do much for Valentine’s Day around here, except cards for one another. And I found some irresistible little things at Michael’s a few weeks ago that I picked up for Carla, including a stuffed animal that she does NOT need. I also picked out a few small treatsies, even though I have been pretty successful at keeping candy and sweets out of our house so far this year. Time will tell whether this was a Bad Plan. 

The only other thing I did (today at least; don’t hold me to this for future Valentine’s Days) was make A Special Breakfast for Carla. I used a cookie cutter to cut heart shapes in her pancakes and I bought her a box of Valentine’s Day themed Froot Loops, and I cut her strawberries into hearts. She mentioned the strawberry hearts but not the pancake ones, and only ate a handful of the Froot Loops after proclaiming that they taste just like regular Froot Loops.

My husband’s view of Valentine’s Day, without putting too many words in his mouth, is that it is kind of aggravating and unnecessary. I told him that Carla and I were participating in Valentine’s Day whether he wanted to or not, and that we really wanted to at least get him some sort of candy, but he is trying to eat better and had no suggestions. Carla was indignant at the idea of not getting him SOMETHING, so she and I got him some low-sugar treatsies from Target that I hope aren’t too terrible. My view is that Valentine’s Day is fun, and I like to participate in fun things. Because my husband has made his views quite clear, I have no expectations of getting anything for Valentine’s Day, and was therefore delighted that my husband remembered to buy me a card and Carla remembered to make me one (or, more likely, that my husband reminded Carla to make me one). Also, it was an excuse to buy myself Sour Patch Kids and Nibs.

My only other view of Valentine’s Day is that it’s really fun for our kid, and she will only be a kid for such a short time, so why not lean into the fun for her sake? She LOVES holidays, and candy-centric holidays especially. I think this may be the last year that her school does a Valentine’s Day party, but she really enjoyed making a “mailbox” and writing out Valentines to all her classmates and teachers. She even decided to depart from her all-black clothing routine for the day: she chose a red skirt and a shirt with polka dots in a variety of pinks and reds. Making Valentine’s Day special for her is worth the little amount of effort I put into it, and I’m happy to continue as long as she enjoys it.

This is all to say that we are not doing a special Valentine’s Day dinner, which is fine. Special or no, however, we still have to eat.

Normally, I post dinner plans on Monday. But my husband and I went to the grocery store on Sunday for a quick restock of a few things, so I didn’t need to go to the store again urgently yesterday. Plus, I was having A Day. I swear that I woke up and my brain stayed in bed. Probably needed a mental health day. I was in a fog all day, and kept forgetting things, culminating in nearly missing Carla’s music lesson.

One of her activities has ceased for the season, which means we can reclaim many hours of our week. I have been feeling happy and relieved since the last day. In my head, apparently, this translated to ALL of her activities ending, which is not the case. So I was indulging in a leisurely Target trip with Carla – you know, just sort of toodling around the store, not really following a list – when my phone alarm went off, reminding me that I had twenty minutes to get Carla to her lesson. Ack! 

Of course, the alarm went off two minutes after everyone else in the store decided to wrap up their own shopping trips, so when we got to the (poorly manned as usual) checkout stations, three enormous lines had already snaked into the walkway, blocking foot traffic, plus there was an additionally long line at the lone self-checkout. 

I didn’t want to put back all of our shopping – that would have taken too long. And I didn’t want to abandon my cart and our carefully selected items – no way did I want to RETURN to Target after already spending so much time there. (Target shopping just doesn’t have the cathartic, comforting effect on me like it used to.) But (shock of shocks) there was no staff person in sight, so I couldn’t ask if I could simply leave my selections somewhere for 30 minutes while I dashed Carla to her lesson and came back. I did briefly consider parking the cart outside the bathroom and hoping for the best, but as it wasn’t a foolproof plan I didn’t go through with it. So I got in line and sent my husband frantic exclamation-point-laden texts which helped neither of us but felt like Doing Something at least. 

Poor Carla, at this point, was complaining about being hungry. Most Mondays, because of our jam packed activity schedule, I feed her dinner at 3:45 (I know), so she was starving. I impulse allowed her to impulse grab a package of Nutella and pretzel sticks as well as a Rice Krispie treat off the impulse buy display. The line moved at an agonizingly slow pace, but eventually a couple of other registers opened, and we were out of Target a mere 15 minutes after my alarm went off.

In the car, while Carla wolfed down her treats, I called the music teacher to let them know she’d be late. We managed to arrive at her lesson 15 minutes after it started, but by then I was a sweaty, edgy mess.

Later, when I unloaded the Target bags, I realized that I’d grabbed the wrong type of breakfast bars for my husband. So I will be returning to Target after all. 

I still feel slightly frazzled today. My husband asked whether the dishwasher was full of clean or dirty dishes, and I gave him an exasperated look and said, “Well, just look in the dishwasher and you will know!”… at which point it became apparent that I had only unloaded the top rack and the silverware tray while the bottom rack was still full of clean plates and pots. Also, I have been writing this post and just now realized that I forgot to soak my feet this morning. Sigh. I really hope that my brain decides to show up to work at some point today, even if it is a little tardy. 

Anyway, dinners!

Dinners for the Week of February 13-20

Garlicky Chickpea and Spinach Soup: I posted about this a few weeks ago and tried it and LOVED it, wet spinach and all. So flavorful, so filling. I have been thinking about it ever since, so back on the meal plan it goes! I feel like the preparation would work well with lentils, too, but I haven’t tried that yet. Maybe next time.

Quinoa Crunch Salad: This just sounds so yummy and fresh. I am not a big eater of cabbage, but for some reason it has a high level of appeal right now. Probably my husband will want chicken with his salad, and I may roast some shrimp for mine.

Slow Cooker Chipotle Chicken Tacos: Despite everyone’s encouraging comments in favor of chicken thighs, I am going to make this with breasts. Takes a looooong time to teach this old dog new tricks, especially when those tricks involve food. I plan to turn this into a taco bowl with lots of romaine and cabbage. I feel a little wary of a slow cooker recipe that doesn’t require any liquid, but I suppose the NYT is trustworthy enough. And I can always throw in half a cup of chicken stock if I feel really uncomfortable. 

Noodle Free Chicken Pad Thai: Is this too similar to the quinoa crunch salad??? We’ll find out, I guess. I have never in my life purchased broccoli slaw, so I am very interested to learn what it’s all about. I am going to let my husband eat the chicken for this one; I will eat shrimp or just stick with the veggie-only version.

What’s on your meal plan this week? Do you do a special Valentine’s Day dinner?