WordPress, out of what I can only assume is concern for/disappointment in my lack of posting, has been giving me little nudges in the form of reminding me about posts I wrote each day in past years. This is how I came upon my Summer Uniform post from 2021. Which, you may recall, was just over a year into the Covid-19 pandemic. Shudder.
While I was none too pleased to think about THAT time in our collective history, I did enjoy revisiting my Summer of Shorts, and am pleased to note that I now wear shorts regularly (in summer) with nary a thought. But it also made me realize that I have a new uniform this year, and I’m loving it.
My uniform has four simple components.
Component 1:Wide-leg summer-weight pants.
If you recall, I’ve had some trouble tracking down the exact right pants. The current styles tend to accentuate my pelvic area, which is not an area I am keen to emphasize; no shade if that’s an area you want to flaunt. But I have found three pairs of pants that don’t do that, and I’ve been wearing them on rotation.
I would LOVE some navy pants with a pinstripe, and am continually on the hunt. To that end, I tried to order these navy striped pants, but my order was cancelled because they sold out. And now they are back in stock (and on sale!) but not in my size. This is the holy grail of summer pants, for me. I’ve ordered, tried on, and returned an embarrassing number of similar options with no luck.
image from Loft.com
I am a big fan of this component because it feels like I’m wearing pajamas, but it looks like I have made a teeny bit of effort to look like I haven’t just rolled out of bed. I tend to get compliments on my outfits, too, which is always nice. (And when it’s cool enough, I add a denim jacket on top. Perfection.)
Component 2: Basic white top.
I’m pretty sure I first saw this top on Instagram, although I can’t remember where. It’s a nice, bright white. It isn’t see-through. It has a nice balance between T-shirt and tank top. And the material – some sort of polyester/cotton blend – has a nice weight to it that feels a little “dressier” than most tees. I love this shirt so much, I now have three – two in white, one in black.
image from amazon.com
Component 3: Long pendant necklace.
This may no longer be in style (if it ever was), but I wear a silver metal hoop on a long silver chain pretty much every time I don this uniform. I got it a million years ago and it’s long enough for the pendant to reach nearly to my navel. I’m not finding a lot of things that are similar, which tells me it probably IS out of style. Here’s a current option. I also love a necklace stack like this one or this one.
image from bananarepublic.gap.comimage from loft.comimage from amazon.com
Component 4: Comfy sandals.
You already know all about my favoritesandals. They continue to keep my feet happy without offending my aesthetic sensibilities (such as they are).
By the way, I wore the flip flops on our spring vacation to California and they performed admirably. One day, my husband suggested we take a “short walk” from our hotel to the beach, and I figured I could handle a short walk in flip flops. (Normally I wear walking shoes for walking, because my feet are delicate flowers.) In fact, our walk ended up being 2.3 miles each way. In the hot hot heat. And my feet were totally fine! Any other shoes, and I KNOW they would have been at least sore and at worst full of blisters, but they were happy as could be. (My poor kiddo, who was wearing Old Navy flip flops, did not fare as well.) I could not have worn any other pair of flip flops for four-and-a-half miles. The experience made me fall in love all over again.
It’s Friday, my house is a mess, there are wrapping paper scraps literally everywhere (LEO), I have overcommitted to Fun Things that currently feel less like fun and more like stress, so let’s get into some bullets.
* In addition to overcommitting to Fun Things, Past Me also apparently set up eight thousand appointments for the weeks leading up to Christmas. Last week was the dentist which led to yesterday’s repeat visit so I could get a filling. After several teeth extractions as a child, and a lifelong issue with getting properly numb from anesthetic, I get severe anxiety about going to the dentist. Yesterday was no exception. I hadn’t had a filling in decades, and all I could think about was getting those huge, painful shots in my mouth. Now that I am a grownup, I understand that it’s okay to TELL THE DENTIST a) that I am anxious, b) I have trouble getting numb, and c) WHEN I AM IN PAIN. Either dental practices have dramatically improved since I was a kid, or my childhood dentist was not very good (or some combination of the two), but my filling experience was as good as could be. The shots hurt, but they weren’t as unbearable as I remember, and it took the dentist maybe ten minutes to remove the cavity. The rest of my time in the chair was with the Filling Specialist. The worst part about the experience (outside of the anticipatory anxiety) was the music. They turned on some instrumental Christmas music which turned out to be an epic rendition of “Jingle Bells” that lasted the entire forty-five minutes I was in the chair. That is too much “Jingle Bells.” Way, way too much.
* Most of my holiday gift-buying is complete; my husband and I have a date this weekend to go shopping in an actual physical mall to find the final couple of items on our list. So now I am turning my attention to the monetary gifts we give out every year: sports coaches, tutors, special teachers, mail person, trash collection, hair stylist, housecleaner. But I am – as usual – dithering about amounts. The mail person and trash collectors are easy, because I just give them gift cards in the $10-$20 range. Others feel less simple. Usually, like for the hair stylist or the housecleaner, I give what amounts to double their normal fee. But this year, my daughter started seeing my hair stylist, too, so I suppose I should combine our typical appointment costs and give that? Also, for the first time ever, my hair stylist has had the same assistant working with her for the last three or four times I’ve gotten my hair cut and colored. Do I give the assistant a separate gift, or does my hair stylist give her a portion of whatever she gets? And, if the latter, do I need to bump up the gift a bit to account for whatever she distributes to others? The other thing that’s stumping me is people whose normal fees are weird numbers. Like if your normal fee is $35, then I would give you a $35 gift. But $35 seems like a weird amount for a gift, doesn’t it? Should I just round up to $50? But that’s a BIG roundup. If your normal fee is $90, somehow $100 seems like a much nicer gift than simply doing an extra $90. I am overthinking this, right? But what would you do?
* By the way, if you have a Trader Joe’s near you, mine has an assortment of cute holiday cards for ninety-nine cents apiece (a STEAL for any card, let alone a cute one). I bought a big handful of these cards to accompany the money gifts.
* Should I get bangs? This feels like a non-sequitur, but I was just thinking about my hair stylist and how last time I visited her, we briefly discussed Forehead Minimization Tactics, and she said she thinks I would look good with bangs. I haven’t had bangs since elementary school. I don’t think I could DEAL with bangs, honestly. But also, more and more lately, I have been staring at the immense freckled and beginning to crepe expanse of my forehead with despair.
* Speaking of despair, I have a Fancy Event coming up in January and I need Fancy Clothes to match. I’ve been looking at dresses for months now, refusing to try anything on, hoping that I would somehow magically shrink to fit one of the many many beautiful dresses I already own and have kept lo these many years. And now the time has come when I have to face reality and buy a new dress. Nordstrom has a bunch of dresses I’ve had in my digital shopping cart for awhile. I really like this one; it’s fancy, the fit-and-flare style typically looks okay on me, it’s not too short. I don’t love the straps, though; I feel as though my bare shoulder days are behind me. Also, it’s more than I’d like to spend on a dress I may wear ONCE. But then again, maybe if I buy a higher quality dress, it will fit me better? This one is pretty, and has sleeves. I like the color, the price is decent. It also looks itchy, and maybe too short. I love the look of this one – I swoon for a navy dress – and it also has sleeves. And it’s VERY on sale. But is the neckline too restrictive? Does it read too youthful for a middle-aged mom? I like the look of this one, and it looks elegant and very comfortable. The pattern is not exactly my typical style, and I’m worried it’s slightly too casual for an event with cocktail attire. Which one would you suggest I try? I’m toying with buying all of them, trying them on, and returning three. I’ve done that before, but it always makes me nervous.
* This is kind of a dumb, low-stakes question, but what is the protocol for food procurement when you’re meeting someone? I met a friend at a bakery the other day. I wasn’t sure when she would arrive, and she had declined my offer to get her something, so I ordered my little pastry and drink and was standing in line to pay when she got there. But then it felt awkward, like I hadn’t waited for her? Standing in the bakery without buying anything would have felt awkward, too, though. I can also imagine grabbing a table, waiting for her, then going to place our orders together, and feeling awkward about THAT. (There is something unbearable to me about paying for something for myself and NOT for the other person.) Clearly I will just feel awkward about anything and everything.
* Here’s another dumb thing I am feeling awkward about. As I mentioned, my husband and I are going to The Mall this weekend. I rarely go to malls, but I realized we will be in the proximity of several stores that have something I want very badly: a cake stand with a dome. The thing is, I put this on my Christmas wish list that my husband sends around to all his family members, so there is a chance I might be getting one for Christmas. I don’t think anyone (except perhaps one person) who takes part in this gift-list-sharing process really feels like the items are Must Buys, they are more like suggestions. Plus, we haven’t received any gifts addressed to me at all. So it’s a small chance, but it’s still a chance. But… should I take advantage of being in The Mall and just buy myself a cake stand??? This one is kind of exactly what I’d envisioned, and it’s on sale. Or this one is so simple and elegant. I like this one, too, with the marble base. I should just wait until after Christmas, right? I should just wait.
* Leo is loving Christmas. Or hating it, it’s kind of difficult to distinguish between the two. I made the mistake of bragging to Elisabeth recently that I make my own bows out of wrapping paper. I do do that; it’s fun and the results are cute, but they take FOREVER to make. And, of course, Leo thinks they are for his personal entertainment. Or he takes them as a threat to the safety of his home and targets them for immediate destruction. Hard to say. Pride goeth before the fall and all that, I guess.
All right, that’s all I’ve got this morning. I have a Fun Thing today, plus cleaning, plus at some point I still need to address and mail our holiday cards.
Lately I’ve been feeling like I’ve outgrown this space. Which isn’t to say I have any real desire or intention to stop blogging. It just feels like I don’t know what to post, that anything I do write is inconsequential or boring or dumb or… I don’t know.
I’ve also begun to dislike, more and more, my blog name. It fit me once, a long time ago. But I no longer feel like my identity is Doctor’s Wife, nor do I think my life is any different from anyone else’s, nor do I write a whole lot about the doctor’s-wife-specific aspects of my life anyway, and it just feels dumb and stale and cringe.
One of the most memorable – and most sobering / terrifying – quotes I’ve come across is Annie Dillard’s “how we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” If I look at my blog archive as a catalog of how I spend my life, it’s full of posts about parenting, relationships, food, my cat, worries / anxiety, and day-to-day minutiae.
The things I write about here are topics that interest me. But do they add up to anything???? Sometimes the silly and frivolous things I post about feel so very silly and frivolous. Am I wasting my time, and yours, by dwelling on such inconsequential topics?
I want to write about deeper, heavier themes. And yet, many of them feel outside of my ability to discuss with any nuance or intelligence; many feel too personal, or too revealing of the private lives of people who aren’t me; many feel so heavy I fear I’ll drag us all down (and we have enough of that, elsewhere).
More and more often, lately, I find myself thinking, What am I doing here?
I write for this blog because I believe in the practice of writing. But shouldn’t I be devoting time and energy to my other writing, the writing that I’m neglecting all too often?
I write for this blog because I love keeping a sort of loose record of my life. But isn’t it far too loose, when I’m barely delving into anything real? Will I revisit this in twenty years and think – my god, was my whole life really wrapped up in coming up with meals to make for my family???? Would Future Me be better served by writing a private, messy, no-details-spared journal?
I write here because I love interacting with you. But couldn’t I get the same feeling of connection by reading and commenting on your posts (which I do far too infrequently, let’s add that to my list of failings), or texting / emailing / calling you more often?
It all comes back around to the simple problem that I’ve outgrown the “life of a doctor’s wife” conceit. If I find a focus or a point or a perspective, I could imbue my writing with fresh purpose. But… what would my focus be? I have no specialty or expertise, no original wisdom to share, no unique viewpoints, no secrets to offer. Even if I changed my blog identity, I would still be the same over-anxious, often-cranky, germ-averse, self-absorbed, quick-to-catastrophize, food-and-cat-obsessed middle-aged me. And, to be honest, even if I did have some area of expertise, I don’t know if I would WANT to write an “XYZ advice” blog, you know? I don’t necessarily want to be locked into one thing. I kind of like having a place where I can moon about my child growing up or discuss my dinner plans for the week or overthink gift ideas. If I were to suddenly to be The XYZ Blog, would I still feel able to post those things?
Speaking of focus, I already have a profoundly neglected book blog. Maybe I should shift all my energy to writing about books and writing. I love books! I love writing! Maybe writing about books and writing would mean I’d read more! And write more! But do I really have anything revelatory or interesting to say about the books I read? Could I write anything about writing except that I am very, very slow and mediocre at it? Plus… the book blog is “public” in a way this one isn’t, and I don’t feel entirely free to be me there. (And what does THAT say about me, that I feel more open when I am semi-anonymous than when people I know offline might be reading?) (And have things become extra complicated, now that I know several bloggers in my offline life, too?)
Now that I have so many lovely “real life” connections, do I even need this blog anymore? It was a lifeline when I was a lonely newlywed, working from home in a new city while my husband was at the hospital all hours of the day. Many of those connections have grown and lasted and crossed over into offline friendships, and wasn’t that the hope all along? Have I achieved a goal, making the ongoing pursuit of that same goal superfluous? After all, I can continue to read YOUR blog, even if I stop posting on mine.
If I reverted to “just” a blog reader, would that feel like enough? Would I magically shift all the time I spend writing blog posts toward other, more valuable pursuits? Somehow I think I would still itch to get all the random silly mundane frivolous cranky food-and-cat-related thoughts out of my head.
But if I feel driven to do that anyway, why not share those random thoughts with kind people who will empathize and offer insights and make me laugh?
As you see, I continue to travel in circles.
Okay. Let’s see here. Is there anything concrete we can derive from today’s post? If you haven’t already clicked away from this drivel, perhaps you could weigh in on my current identity crisis by answering the following polls.
Well, that’s it. That’s the dumb post that’s been stopping me up, writing wise. If you made it through this meandering, whiny, naval-gaze of a post, I salute you. (And believe it or not, I cut 500 of the dumbest, whiniest words from it.) I hope posting it here allows me to move on.
Thanks, as always, for reading and understanding and weighing in.
