We are doing a sleepover for Carla’s birthday this year. After all of my fretting over the guest list, we settled on a compromise: inviting a slightly larger number of people than I’m comfortable with, including the kids who’d invited Carla to their parties, and giving people the option to choose whether they are staying overnight or not. (So far, it’s about half and half.) I feel good about this; Carla seems to feel good about this. I am resigned to not sleeping, or at least sleeping very poorly. The one thing I have left to figure out is if and how and when to clarify that this is a no-screens party. (By “no screens” I mean nothing besides the basement TV and sanctioned Disney/Netflix movies.)
On the “if” side, I am leaning pretty heavily toward yes. There are so many things for kids to do that don’t involve screens, and yet we allllllll get pulled into our phones. Even those of us with fully formed frontal cortexes (cortices?). Judgment is not great among many pre-teens, my kid included, and whatever modicum of judgment does exist seems to fall asleep around ten pm even if the kid remains awake, and also group judgment is always less than the sum of its parts. I’ve read too many horror stories and cautionary tales and heard too many warnings from other parents and therapists to feel comfortable with letting a smartphone run wild in my house overnight. I do realize this is controversial. If your kid has a smartphone, it’s likely in part because you feel like your kid is mature enough to manage a smartphone. And yet… when there’s a group of kids, it seems all too easy for group chats or TikTok scrolling to come into play and making poor choices is so very easy when you are twelve and surrounded by giggling overtired twelve year-olds.
So: No screens. How and when do I share this information? I feel like it’s important to do so up front; some parents whose kids have cellphones expect the phones to be available if they need to contact them. But there may also be value in simply saying to the kids as they come in, “Please stow your cellphones here for the rest of the party. If you need to contact your parents for any reason, let me know and I’ll make your phone available for you to call them in private.” If I tell parents up front, maybe they wouldn’t even send their kid with a phone. And if I tell kids on the spot, they might simply pretend they don’t have a phone on them. If you’ve had experience with this, on either side of the phone-haver/phone-confiscater side, I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Why am I hosting a sleepover party again?????
Let’s fret about more frivolous aspects of the party planning.
Theme and Decor
Carla requested a water theme for her party this year. Finding décor and coming up with favor ideas was slightly tricky (do I give everyone a water bottle in a favor bag? a LifeStraw? is everything just… blue?) so I went back to her and she conceded to including some delicate nods to “ocean” and even “beach” if necessary. Much easier. (Although last year’s theme was Beach, so we don’t want to replicate it too completely.)
I found some ocean-water themed plates/cups/tablecloths and matching goodie bags. For favors, I’ll give the kids each a little seashell bracelet and this mini starfish “hug.” Maybe some seashell stickers, too.
Cake
Carla requested multi-colored vanilla cupcakes with cream cheese buttercream. She and I settled on this inspiration for the decoration and I ordered some edible seashells to put on top. Although I’m sure I can find a way to screw them up, they seem relatively simple.
Treasure Hunt (Again)
Last year, I made an epic treasure hunt for the birthday party. It was a ton of work but it was a lot of fun, and Carla has asked if I’ll do another one this year. Spend hours on a project that will be appreciated by fewer than ten people for approximately thirty minutes if I’m lucky? SURE.
I’m all set on the clues for things inside the house, but I’m trying to come up with some outdoor clues. (My goal is to make the kids go up and down the stairs a million times, and run around the neighborhood a million times, in order to tire them out so they SLEEP.) I may even ask a neighbor or two if I can put a clue in their mailboxes. Ideas are WELCOME. Although if your idea is to look online, I have already done that; the pickins’ are slim.
I’m also looking for ideas for the prize. Last year, based on feedback from my lovely and brilliant commenters, the prize was $5 Starbucks gift cards. (There were three teams, but the teams all had to work together to solve the final puzzle and find the prize.) This year, I would like to switch it up but also keep it to $5 or under. For marital harmony.
Okay, after searching the internet, I feel like a gift card is the way to go. If I don’t do Starbucks, what should I do? Local ice cream place? Local donut shop? Claire’s? Five bucks doesn’t go very far at many places.
Logistics
Is this all I’m fretting about? Well, I am fretting quite a bit about logistics: cupcake baking and decorating, decorating decorating, driving Carla to and from camp, getting home in time for guests to arrive, somehow getting the fast food Carla requested to our house, accomplishing treasure hunt, eating, swimming, and movie in a relatively short period of time, getting children to SLEEP, and then getting these same non-sleeping children AWAKE and through breakfast in time for their parents to pick them up. Well. It’s best not to think too hard about SOME things, lest one finds oneself hyperventilating into a sock whilst curled into the fetal position under a bed.
I think the party is going to be awesome. You might get some initial pushback on the “no phones” rule (I would state that upfront, so there are no surprises) but they’ll be having so much fun, they won’t miss them. One day this past school year, my daughter (16) had to go without her phone because we were getting it fixed- and she said she found it refreshing and enjoyable to not have it for a change.
I LOVE all the decorations and party favors you chose. Those edible seashells are amazing! I hope we get a full recap, along with photos of the cupcakes. Good luck with it- I’m sure it’s going to be great.
I feel like everything about parenting is so much harder in the age of phones/screens. There are so many choices that our parents simply didn’t have to navigate. Our kids are so fortunate in many ways but, also, it’s a tough world in which to grow up in.
All that said, I know it will be fabulous and everyone will have a great time. You will be exhausted and will deserve a full week of vacation after hosting giggling girls OVERNIGHT, but you love Carla and she will love this and it will all be worth it.
That said, I am feeling all this angst along with you, my friend. Godspeed <3
Also, you knock things out of the park with favours and decoration. I blew up like…2 balloons for my daughter’s most recent birthday party and called it a day. I didn’t even put up the birthday banner. Oh the shame.
Those beach cupcakes look amazing. Dunkin’ could be a good place for a $5 gift certificate. Or a local doughnut or ice cream place.
You are probably near the end of planning b-day parties. Eventually, she’ll just want friends to come over and hang out and eat cake with no themes, favors, etc. When that happened, I was half relieved, half disappointed.
Do you have the store “five below” ? It could be a fun option for a prize gift card.
I would definitely go no phones, and I think if you communicate it upfront to both parents and kids, you’ll have better compliance. My own kid, who will be 12 in August, still sometimes sneaks her phone with her when spending the night. I always let the other parents know whether I have her phone or “she might have her phone with her even though I asked her to leave it at home” so they can be aware and monitor. While they are doing other activities, you could find a moment to call out, “does anyone have their phone? Can you take a picture?” Or something similar, to see if they out them-selves.
Look at you! Asking them if they have their phone and to take a picture is SO CLEVER. It seems so natural, too. Eli, you’re a genius!
The no phones thing might get a little resistance, but if you state it up front kids know going into it what the rule is. My kids have been to ‘no phones’ sleepovers and have had friends over for the same. I usually let the parents know ahead of time that I’ll collect the phones before bedtime and they can have them back in the morning.
I’m no help to you at all, but I think your party sounds amazing for the kids and everyone will have fun. Carla is super lucky that you’re such a caring mom, willing to plan all the details.
Hey, what a great solution to the sleepover dilemma, this lets every family/girl make the choice that is best for them and no one feels left out.
Treasure hunts! I did one adapting the plot of the Golden Compass/Northern lights in a nearby park. It was very, very difficult to put together, but is still fondly talked about. Is there a favourite book with a water theme you could use? I found that using a story to create a thread through the experience made it easier to write the individual clues. They didn’t have to make much sense as I could wrap them in plot points. For prizes I made a party bag with sweets and story elements (a notebook, daemon cards, a compass, and encoded quotes along with a cipher).
I confess I had a knot in my stomach reading this post – parties are so.much.work but you are doing a great job! It will be wonderful!
I’m all for the idea of no cell phones at a party for kids this age. I think if you let the parents know ahead of time, it should be fine — and if it isn’t, it just weeds out the kids who might potentially be an issue that evening.
I love the effort you go to in order to provide her a lovely party. This is the kind of party I would appreciate for my children to go to. Honestly, this is the kind of party I would appreciate going to myself. 💜
I zipped down here immediately to comment before I read the rest of the post, so there will inevitably be two comments from me. I wanted to tell you that my sons frequently went to sleepover parties, and it was common for the frequent host’s dad to just say “Okay, devices in here please” and they would all drop them in a container to be picked up later. Now, I think he did this later in the party but why not right away? I would give the parents a heads’ up before the party. I would just say “we are keeping this a device-free party, so I’ll just hang onto the girls’ phones until pickup” or something like that – in advance of the party. I’m sure all the parents will get it and will communicate it to the kids, so that they are also aware.
Okay, I’m back! I think your party sounds awesome and if you keep your sleep expectations low, well, who knows, maybe you’ll be surprised! I WANT TO COME TO THE PARTY NOW
Love the theme! The cupcakes are gorgeous and I’m lost in admiration that you would tackle those. Cell phones are a tough topic but being upfront and firm about it will help. Responsible parents will understand the reasons behind that rule.
As far as the no screens – I’d make that very clear on the invite that way both the kids and parents are aware of your expectations.
It sounds like it’s going to be a great party!!
Definitely yes on collecting the phones, while making it clear that the kids are obviously able to check in with parents if needed. i like the phrase “in our house we….” to make it clear it’s a rule not a suggestion. Also, it’s too late to be helpful but in future, The Queen of Themes website is awesome for pre-planned treasure hunts or escape rooms. We did a Harry Potter escape room during Covid and it was so fun. Also a Stranger Things trivia-based scavenger hunt that my teen loved. Inexpensive and takes the thought out of it.
I recently hosted a small sleepover party for my 12-YO’s birthday. I let those with phones/iPads keep them during the earlier part of the evening but when I went to bed (10pm lol) I took the phones downstairs with me. I did not tell the parents in advance (because I didn’t think of it), but I assumed that no one would rely on reaching their child by phone between the hours of 10pm and 8am. The parents all had my number. I did not get any objections.
This party is going to be awesome! You’ve put so much thought into it, and all the linked ideas are just so lovely.
Happy early birthday to your almost teen!
It probably feels good to have the first decision out of the way! Now just a few more and then you will be done! haha! I think you should tell the parents ahead of time that there will be no screens from X time to X time and then tell the girls five minutes beforehand. Maybe their parents would have already told them, but if not, oh well, I am sure they will grumble but they will get over it fast enough!
I am clearly in the minority here, but I wouldn’t let my kids go to a party if I knew their phone would be taken away from them. Part of the reason my kids have phones is so that they can text me to come get them in case of any shenanigans and we have a secret text emoji for emergencies. That being said, their phones are locked down (they can’t even use google searches) and they know better than to have their phone out if they’ve been told to keep it put away. But I would want them to be able to sneak away to the bathroom and text me if they needed to without asking anyone, even the parents. I wouldn’t let them go to a party if I knew ahead of time that phones were being collected and I wouldn’t send them back if I found out about it afterwards. It’s not that I don’t trust you personally, but I don’t trust every kid at the party and my kids are too shy to go up and ask a parent they don’t know well for their phone back because someone is doing something they don’t like. I would be all for a party rule of “keep your phone put away” but having it taken away is a red flag for me. And honestly, in all our kid hangouts and parties, I’ve never needed to restrict phone usage. They are generally having too much fun to bother with them and usage has been pretty minimal.
Alex just did an under the sea party and it was a very fun theme.
I love the treasure hunt idea! We just did a tiny Squishmallow for a prize and it was very popular.
Decorate days in advance, bake the cupcakes the day before and prep the frosting the day before, and decorate them the morning of. (Or in a less humid climate than Florida, you can probably decorate the night before. Here, they melt.) Does a parent you know well drive near the fast food place on their way to the party? I would totally pick up something on our way to a party if a friend asked me to.
For my younger daughter’s 14th birthday party the feature was a Photo Scavenger Hunt. I think it was wildly successful (with a total of 4 youths — all introverts). I wrote about it on my blog here: https://commonhousehold.blogspot.com/2013/07/birthday-b.html
Also wanted to say that we’ve had some really awesome Treasure Hunts here in the Common Household. Mostly designed by my husband, with rhyming clues, odd hiding places — the works. Loads of fun for everyone (but yes, takes quite a bit of preparation).
You sound like the hostess with the mostess. The treasure hunt alone – amazing fun. Great idea. The screen thing – aka no phones, is a good plan. We do that with the younger girls. If they have friends show up to hang out and they bring a phone, it needs to stay on my kitchen counter. I let the parents know when I invite their kid over that this is the way it is in our home, and the parents sometimes just have their kid keep her phone at home. I’d say send out a reminder email, maybe ‘remember your sunscreen or towel (?) and please understand that this event will be a no-screen event. Your child can leave her phone at home, or it can live in a basket on my kitchen counter where they can use it to make a phone call to you (or whatever) if needed.’
I hope you get some sleep. I always told our kids that if I didn’t sleep at all, that meant there wouldn’t be another sleepover for them so they understood that some sleep is part of the deal.
Love the theme and I hope everyone has a great time.