I have likely written about it here before, because it’s a bell that tolled so loudly throughout my childhood and young-adulthood that I will likely be hearing its echoes until the day I die…
But my father has a saying he’s rather fond of:
You can hold your breath that long.
He says it in response to whining children distraught adults his offspring when they feel they are in an unbearable situation and cannot stand it one second longer. [Updated to add: Unbearable-seeming situations for which there is no way out but through. The only way to survive them is to endure them until the bitter end.]
For instance: Sleep away camp.
(I don’t know if I’ve ever told you, Internet, but my sleep away camp experiences were fraught with disaster. The first one – 4-H camp – ended [for me] early when I came down with pneumonia. Another camp involved an unstoppable nosebleed that resulted in a cauterization at a doctor’s office and an embarrassing fainting episode.)
If I were to start crying and carrying on about how scary and horrific sleep away camps were, my father might cheerfully say something like, “Buck up! Camp ends in three days. You can hold your breath that long!”
If I were to whine on and on to him about how college finals were destroying my very soul, he might say, “Winter break is two weeks away! You can hold your breath that long!”
If I were to suggest that the years of feeling unsettled and lonely as a wife-of-a-medical-student seemed to stretch interminably before me, he might say, “It’s just a few years. You can hold your breath that long!”
I have learned that I can hold my breath for years at a time, Internet.
Usually, he is right on the money. Time passes more quickly than you think. And even fairly awful situations end eventually.
(Here is where I add the obvious disclaimer that I have led a very fortunate life and I have not really FACED any truly horrible situations. Furthermore, I KNOW it would be ridiculous and cruel to suggest to some people that they simply “hold their breaths” and deal with ACTUALLY horrific situations. My father’s mantra works only in first worldy type situations of drudgery and discomfort.)
I used to HATE when my father would hand out this mantra. Partly because the delivery was so very cheerful and definitive. But partly because whatever horror (not ACTUAL horror, mind you) I was facing seemed like it would NEVER END.
But as I’ve grown older, I’ve come to repeat it to myself. It’s similar, in some ways, to the harsh “you’ll live” and the softer “this too shall pass,” of course. But while that saying still irritates me (in the case of kidney stones, the passing IS the concern), I appreciate the cheery wisdom of “you can hold your breath that long.”
For one thing, it implies some control. You’re not sitting idly by as a large steamroller crushes you into the ground. No. You are boldly jumping into icy water, challenging yourself to stick it out.
For another, there’s a “safety net” hidden within the phrase. You obviously CAN’T hold your breath THAT long, so the phrase itself implies that the unpleasantness will end in an endurable amount of time. No one would reasonably expect you to hold your breath for 50 years. It’s impossible. (The breath holding alone will kill you!) But you can do it for a short time.
For a third (and maybe this isn’t FOOLPROOF proof of the value of this saying), if someone is telling you to keep your chin up because you can hold your breath that long… well, the situation must not be THAT bad. It might feel bad. It might feel unbearable. But it’s not going to do serious damage, otherwise your kind, loving, protective father would tell you to get the hell out of the water.
(Leave it to a former English major to get 175 words of analysis out of a seven-word phrase.)
Now, repeating this mantra to yourself may not always work. Especially if you have to say it often.
But I find that another trick that DOES help is to think of other seemingly unbearable situations that suck but are nonetheless endurable.
– Getting blood drawn.
– Eating a meal at the house of someone you must impress (a boss, the President, your future in-laws) that is disgusting but you MUST eat it or risk having your hosts disrespect/hate you forever.
– The stomach flu.
– Visits to the dentist that involve ANYTHING pokey, scrapey, buzzy, or X-ray-y.
– Moving, particularly if your cheap ass decides that it will be WAY BETTER to do all but the really big items yourself.
– Childbirth. (I’m guessing on this one.)
– Oral presentations.
– Being away from home for any extended length of time, particularly if you are ALONE away from home. Double points if you are away in a place where you don’t speak the language. Triple points if you are away in a place where you don’t speak the language with a crazy person.
– High school.
(Please do not tell me about your aunt/friend/roommate who had such a terrible case of stomach flu/a botched blood draw/an unfortunate run-in with a moving van and died. I am sorry for your loss, but this exercise is for imagination purposes ONLY, not for proving that some of these situations may actually NOT be endurable.)
You can say to yourself, “This situation is horrible and I hate my life and it is killing my spirit, but at least I am not getting my teeth cleaned by someone who thinks flossing should be approached with the same ferocity as Ultimate Fighting.”
Or you can say, “I do not enjoy crying four times every day over The Hopelessness of It All, but I did manage to spend three weeks in Prague with a crazy person, so I can deal with this too.”
Or you can say, “Well, three years seems like an impossibly long time to figuratively hold my breath, but I DID survive high school somehow, and that was FOUR years, so this HAS TO be better than THAT.”
You know, I am surprised that I wrote that first example, about how “at least I’m not at the dentist.”
Because if anyone ELSE were to say that to me – “at least you aren’t…” – I would fix them with an Icy Stare of Death. Of all the things that could potentially help me feel like an unbearable situation is more bearable than I think it is, the comparing-my-situation-to-that-of-others-who-are-less-fortunate is the least likely to work.
Yes, I realize that I am not dying of an itchy flesh-eating rash on an island where there is no water or calamine lotion or cable TV or tacos. Yes, I realize that I have it GOOD and that whatever thing I’m going through is not the worst thing to happen to a human – not by a long shot. Yes, I realize that there are a kabillion people who would feel LUCKY to be in my shoes, you ungrateful brat.
This kind of perspective is a good, valuable thing. It is IMPORTANT to realize how good you have it. It can even be INSPIRING, when it’s not being pounded into your skull as a reason why your pain does not count.
Sure, it’s incredible that three boys survived in a tiny dinghy for 51 days with no food. But I am not on a boat, nor do I even LIKE boats, nor is Boat Survival in any way related to what I’m going through so telling me my situation is nothing compared to those boys’ is NOT HELPFUL. (Sometimes it makes me feel worse, like I must be one hell of a schmuck if I’m all wound up about my measly little kitten of a situation when there are people who are EATING THEIR OWN BOATS TO STAY ALIVE. )
Sometimes, you just want to know that YOUR version of unbearable isn’t going to last forever.
That’s why, I think, I find it useful to examine situations I’ve already been through (as opposed to situations that other people are going through). It’s proof that I have dealt with worse or at least equally bad and come out the other side.
I do find that the other kind of perspective – the “maybe you can’t see the forest for the trees” kind – IS helpful.
Sometimes it helps to take a step back and say, “Oh yes, I feel miserable NOW. But this is only one part of my life, and I feel pretty damn happy in the other areas of my life.”
Or, “Wow, I am spending all this time fretting over this one thing, but I bet that I’ll look back on it 10 years from now and laugh at myself for being so wound up over something so insignificant, big-picture-wise!”
Or, “Yes, the walls of this room are dark and sticky and covered with spiders, but if I open the DOOR, there is sunlight outside! And bug spray!”
There are, of course, outsiders who can give me perspective. I sometimes email my mom and demand pep talks from her. And I frequently force my husband to tell me that everything will be okay. But at the end of the day, we all need to stop bugging our loved ones lest they throw in the towel be able to square our shoulders and move forward ourselves.
What do you do, Internet, when you feel STUCK and MISERABLE and it seems as though you’ll always feel that way? What does your inner cheerleader say to you?
And, if you have no answer to that question, why don’t you contribute to my list of Things That Truly Suck But Are Bearable Nonetheless? That will make you feel better, I promise!
The stomach flu one is a good one, because no matter how many times I think surely this is how I’ll die, I always make it through. However, when I’m in the midst of something, no amount of comparison to other situations makes me feel any better about it. Usually I have to see a way out of the bad place in order for me to feel hopeful.
Definitely – having that beacon of hope to guide you is so critical!
I am highly amused that you used childbirth as an example because that is exactly what I said. Well, not exactly, because I hadn’t heard this saying, but I kept saying “it is a day, I can do anything for one day.” And then I ended up being in labor for like two and a half days, but the first day didn’t really count. But you know, I totally agree.
TWO AND A HALF DAYS. Oh Jen!
Things my father used to say that I now say: “you have to suffer if you want to sing the blue.” Also, “Life is not fair. Fare is what you pay to ride the bus.” (My kids have the same eye-rolling reaction I had twenty-five years ago.)
I am a “this too will pass” kind of person, usually. Or, “it could be worse” and I try to think that even though certain things are crappy, we have a roof over our heads, food on the table and no one is dying of a dread disease. I actually find that this really does help; I am trying to have an attitude of gratitude, even though right now certain things are very sucky there are lots of important things I can be grateful for. (I’m not saying that YOU need to be grateful, just that this is something that is currently helping me take the focus off the sucky things.)
No, I totally agree with you. Gratitude helps immensely. It is sometimes really revitalizing to take a step back and say, “This is what I DO have. These are the things that ARE good.”
I guess I just hate it when people use “you should be grateful for…” in a way that implies that your concerns/worries/problems don’t MATTER.
That whole “it could be worse” thing just irritates me because IT COULD BE *BETTER* TOO, but nobody every brings THAT up! Also, I’ve usually already thought about ways it could be worse and am ALREADY feeling like an awful person for struggling with whatever I am struggling with when it could be SO MUCH worse.
The most awful thing I have had to survive so far (PLEASE, God, don’t ever let anything be as bad or worse than that!!!!) was my last pregnancy…the fact that I LIVED through that and can still (mostly 😉 ) function has helped me put A LOT of things in perspective, so, I guess for those things that threaten to break my spirit now (*cough*disciplining rogue children*cough*), I just compare that situation to my worst situation and feel grateful that it isn’t that bad again…but I guess that would only work if you had some hard experience you had overcome in the past.
Oh! Sometimes my inner cheerleader will think of something I can look forward to once I’ve made it through the Hard Situation. For example, during that pregnancy, I looked forward to the pizza I was going to ask my husband to order in the delivery room =). Or when I’ve felt smothered by my small, needy children, I have planned to take a trip to visit a girlfriend as soon as I finished nursing/my husband could take time off.
And, NATURALLY, I highly recommend the powerful, mood-altering properties of the Crappy Day Present ;-). It never ceases to amaze me how helpful it is just to KNOW I have a CDP waiting if I decide I need it…just looking at the cheerful wrapping and thinking of the kindness of the person who sent it to me can make SUCH a difference! Also, I QUITE ENJOY distracting myself from whatever is making me miserable by putting a CDP together for someone else; I’ve discovered that reading through somebody’s archives, hunting for clues as to what they might like for a CDP, is a GREAT way to keep my mind occupied with something pleasant! And then there is the shopping! And the wrapping everything! And the thinking of how happy they will be when they receive the package, especially if it will be a surprise!! Ahem. Sorry! I’m very enthusiastic about this particular topic =)!
Good luck!! Everybody’s Hard Things are different, but they are HARD nonetheless!
Oh yes, The Thing to Look Forward To! That definitely helps. And I get what you mean about putting together a CDP – it is SUCH fun to go out and buy little (or big) things and imagine how they will brighten someone’s day!
As a Christian who’s pretty active in church, I have heard a lot if other faithful people talk about how they couldn’t handle their life if they didn’t have Jesus to “give” their burdens to. I didn’t understand that for years and may not even now. Wouldn’t it be so nice to have someone to just hand over your unpleasantness to?
My version of that is to have an eternal pepective: eventually, it will all be okay. In school, I would think it through, even if i flunked the test, the class, flunked out of school, it would be okay. I would need a change of plans, maybe a few more years of work (depending on how bad i failed), but eventually, everything would be okay.
Now, if something bad happens, I think through the worst case, think about how to remedy that, and know that no matter what, even if it takes years, it will all be okay.
So thinking that there’s a good afterlife waiting for good people, of which I believe I am, I know that eventually, no matter how bad it sucks, it’ll be okay. Does that count as “giving my burdens to Jesus?” Who knows. But it’s helped me feel a lot more peace when faced with actual or possible first-world horribleness.
My parents do tend to this sort of “what is the worst that could happen?” sort of thinking. And it DOES have value. But I tend to be a catastrophist, so this kind of thinking often sends me spiraling into a deeper hole of panic and doom.
Having some sort of afterlife salvation to look forward to sound wonderful. That would help, I’d imagine, to know that no matter how badly things in this life go, there will be something better in the afterlife.
Yes, I’d second that. When things get really bad or I can’t understand why something that I really want to happen isn’t, or get discouraged in any way, I step back and evaluate my spirituality. Changes are good that if I (who am not clinically depressed) feel depressed or down, there is something I should be doing that I’m not. It usually falls in line with how close I feel to God. Am I grateful for His blessings? Am I praying and remembering His love? Am I reading the scriptures and remembering the good counsel in them, and remembering all the people in the scriptures who have worse challenges and made it through?
The other thing I remember is what my dad used to sing (from Annie): “It’s a hard knock life for us!” Whoever said that life was supposed to be fair? We all have our own challenges and it’s our attitude towards them that makes the man or the woman.
Oh, I TOTALLY get this. My saying is “nothing lasts forever.” Because, short of death, nothing really does last forever. But sometimes I get totally annoyed with myself for thinking it because it doesn’t matter if it’s not going to last forever, I just want it to be over with NOW.
Anyway, you have such an amazing talent for writing beautifully about something so complicated.
AND, I think I know what this is referring to, and I just want to say that you’re amazing and you’ll be great and I’m here.
My Aunt had a very harsh mantra that would make me so angry. Whenever I would complain about something or a situation that was making me unhappy or miserable, she would say “Stop complaining and change it.” I never quite got this way of thinking until the last few years when I would repeat it in my mind. It’s hard to hear it from someone else, but when you’re having a pity party with yourself, it helps to say “self, stop complaining and change it.”
There are of course some situations that are out of your control – when this happens, I try really hard not to to get overwhelmed with emotions that don’t help. Feeling jealous or sorry for myself or angry or mad at other people just don’t help. Instead I try to turn the negative into positive and find the lesson in the situation
Yes, to everything you’ve written here, yes! I’m stuck in Pittsburgh for my boyfriend’s PhD program and this city has NOT lived up to being “number one greatest place to live” and whatever else I felt I was promised when I moved here. Especially coming from Chicago and before that Austin, the two best cities on earth. I have been through the gamut of hate this/life is miserable/how do I get through this feelings and finally settled on this: the program is 5 years. I was in college for 4 years, but many people take 5 years to finish college. When I first started college it was awful and I was sad and didn’t think I could get through it. Turns out those 4 years FLEW by. I keep telling myself it’s not for forever, it’s just for right now, and that these 5 years we’re stuck in Pittsburgh will probably fly by just like college did. I’ll look back on them and think “that wasn’t bad at all, and man did it go by quickly.” At least that’s my current strategy, although I still hate Pittsburgh.
My inner cheerleader pretends Tim Gunn is my uncle and requires me to have a Make-It-Work! pep-talk. I may have no control over the timing or much of the situation but telling myself to make it work gives some illusion of control! (My inner cheerleader would also like to adopt Paula Dean and be chipper with comfort food.)
I abhor these sayings AND I now say them to Gooner. They pop out before I can stop them. I hate it. I mean how do I say during labor “this to shall pass” when my vagina becomes the size of a grapefruit?
So for a little levity…
My mom watched something once, probably on Oprah, where someone had lost all their skin. In a fire, maybe? I am not too sure. All I know is that whenever my dad or I would complain about something, she’d retort with, “Well, at least you have skin!”
As you can imagine, it’s now become a favorite phrase in our family:
“I think I might be allergic to the Christmas tree…”
“WELL AT LEAST YOU HAVE SKIN!!!1!!1”
And on and on and on.