I have mentioned before that I recently bought and read The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker.
The book got good – and interesting – reviews from people I trust; plus, it sounded like it could help me deal with anxiety and fear I have more often than is probably normal healthy.
When I first leafed (there has to be a better, Internet equivalent for this verb) through GOF on Amazon, I was delighted. It promised to give me specific tools I could use to determine if a situation – or person – was actually dangerous, thereby reducing my levels of normal all-day-every-day anxiety and suspicion.
The book was a great read. Very interesting. And De Becker DID give me some tools to help me reduce my fear of being murdered on any given day.
But I’ve had a peculiar encounter and I find myself without my GOF to consult and so I don’t know if what I am feeling now is REAL fear or MANUFACTURED BY MY STUPID BRAIN fear.
(Suggested sales copy for the back of De Becker’s next edition: Don’t leave home without your copy of GOF! You will need it to pick out the Scary Crazies from the Normal/Lack of Boundaries People!)
Of course, as you will know if you have READ GOF, it doesn’t really matter if the fear is Real or Manufactured. If I get kidnapped/murdered, it’s my own fault for not listening to my intuition; if I DON’T get kidnapped, then clearly I wasn’t LISTENING to my intuition RIGHT.
The thing is, Gavin De Becker – for all his important insights into the human psyche – is not a woman. Perhaps he understands women very well. He certainly seems sympathetic in the book – he seems to realize that women are afraid in situations where men are not, and that they are more vulnerable on the whole than men are. (He has multiple statistics about violence done specifically to women. They are not comforting, and did nothing to reduce my anxiety level.) But I don’t think he can really get it unless he has experienced, for himself, that feeling of needing to be on high alert because you are vulnerable and no one is looking out for you. Maybe that’s unfair, I don’t know. I AM feeling a little petulant because it seems like no matter what I do, fear-wise, I will be Doing It Wrong, so maybe I’m taking my frustration out on Gavin by claiming he can’t possibly know how I feeeeeeeel.
My husband is taking his Step 3 board exams – a two-day test – which means I am stuck in a Hampton Inn by myself. Normally this would be fine. I’ve stayed in many a Hampton Inn. With the exception of one in downtown Pittsburgh, they are usually clean enough, fairly quiet, and perfect for a night or two.
Yesterday morning, I went down to the lobby to get coffee for my husband before I drove him to the test. It was 6:30 in the morning; I was wearing a sweatshirt of my husband’s, a sweatshirt that says the name of our university on the front and our class year on the back.
As I walked back, coffee in hand, toward the elevator, I passed a man coming out of one of the staff-only rooms. I don’t know why he caught my eye.
But as I was just about to round the corner to the elevator, the man called out “Oh three!” and I turned around.
“What’s oh three?” he asked me.
“Oh, it’s my college year,” I said pleasantly. I smiled at him and continued upstairs.
At lunch time, I left the hotel to get lunch at the Chipotle across the street. The man was in the lobby, mopping the floor.
I was halfway to the door before he called out, “Did you go to College Name?” I was wearing a jacket, so he obviously recognized me from nearly six hours earlier… and not only that, but had remembered my sweatshirt.
“Yes, I did,” I said, pausing by the door and smiling at him. Isn’t this a typical response? – politeness? I always try be polite because I assume that people are good and normal and not crazy. That’s probably for the best, considering that most people ARE good and normal and not crazy.
He seemed like a friendly guy, if a little lacking in the Normal Social Boundaries department. He is in his mid to late fifties, I’d guess.
“Is College Name in College State?” he asked.
“Yes, it is,” I responded, still smiling. Patient.
“I have a friend whose son goes to College Name. His name is Phil.”
Pleasant smiling.
“Do you know him?”
“No, I sure don’t,” I said, smiling apologetically. (But seriously? It’s a big school. I attended college more than nine years ago. And he didn’t even give me a last name.) Conversation over, I headed for the door. The automatic doors slid open and I had one foot through them when he said,”Oh three was the year you graduated?”
“Yep!”
“Oh. What do you do for work?”
Even without Gavin De Becker, I know that it’s inappropriate to give too much personal information to a stranger, no matter WHAT situation you’re in. (Remind me to tell you about the airport waiting area conversation I overheard a few weeks ago, where a 17-year-old high school junior told an 18-year-old college freshman ALL about herself, her family, her tumultuous relationship with said family, her slutty ex-best friend’s boyfriend-stealing ways and midriff-baring shirts, etc. “TMI, young lady! This guy could be a murderer!” I wanted to yell at her. [He didn’t SEEM like a murderer. More like a college freshman who wanted to get laid.]) Of course, occupation is a fairly non-risky detail. My standard answer is “writer,” which is true-ish without being overly specific. (Listen, I know I sound suspicious and overly guarded, but just because you ASK me a question doesn’t mean I am OBLIGATED to give you the answer.)
“Oh wow, like a journalist?”
“Nope, not that kind of writing.”
“My daughter’s friend was a journalism major at OSU,” he said. “She got a full ride.”
“How wonderful!”
“She works for one of the papers here in town. Do you know her?”
“No, I sure don’t!”
“Well, I won’t keep you,” he said. And I went to lunch.
This morning, I went down to get coffee for my husband before driving him to his test.
As I got off the elevator, I ran into Hotel Guy as he was coming in to work.
“Hi College Name!” he said, as though we were old friends.
“Good morning!” I said.
“I was thinking… you’re a writer, right?” he said.
“Yes…”
“Well, I have some ideas for you.” He rattled off a few sentences about something political that I didn’t understand.
“I have some papers with me,” he said. “Why don’t you come out to my car and I’ll give them to you? Or what’s your room number?”
It seemed like he instantly knew each of those options was inappropriate, because he quickly followed with, “Or maybe I can show you later down here.”
“Maybe later,” I said. Despite his requests, I didn’t feel FEAR around this guy. I felt like maybe he was a little odd, maybe he didn’t understand what constituted normal boundaries between two strangers, maybe he even had some form of Asperger’s or another social interaction issue.
“We have to be careful,” he said, eyes darting around conspiratorially. “Ken doesn’t like it when I do that.” (Ken, I only know by chance, works at the front desk of this particular Hampton Inn.) “That’s because he’s a Republican and I’m a Democrat.”
He looked down the hallway toward, I presume, Ken’s post. “Ken’s kind of a Nazi,” he told me in hushed tones.
Then he rattled off some more details about his political ideas. “You know,” I said when he paused for breath, hoping to put an end to the conversation, “That’s not really the kind of writing I do. I do advertising writing.”
That stymied him for only a second. “Well, I know exactly how you can use this in your advertising,” he said, and talked for a couple minutes more.
Then he told me he needed to punch in and went through the door into the staff-only room. I headed to the coffee station.
As I was stowing sugar packets and little plastic cups of creamer in my pocket (why did I do that? I didn’t do it yesterday – I doctored the coffee right there at the station…) to take upstairs, Hotel Guy came up beside me.
“It’s really funny – my daughter got a master’s in marketing and business administration,” he told me. “She works at Target for $48,000 a year. She got a huge raise this year. She’s really turned it around.”
“How wonderful! That sounds great,” I said, trying to fit lids on the coffee cups. He walked with me as I headed toward the elevators, talking about his daughter. But he stopped at the staff room and I kept going.
On the ridiculously long elevator ride, I went over our conversation in my head. What kind of man asks a woman he doesn’t know to come out to his car? What kind of hotel staff member asks a stranger for her room number?
Gavin De Becker clearly said that a person who doesn’t wish you harm won’t ask you things like that.
But… I didn’t get any sort of fear response from this guy.
Should I listen to that lack of fear and brush this guy – who is probably a kind, lonely guy who doesn’t have great social skills – out of my mind?
When I got back to the room, I handed my husband his coffee and told him about the guy. “That’s weird, isn’t it?” I said, asking for confirmation that I wasn’t reading too much into the conversation.
“He asked you to come out to his car? Yeah, pretty weird,” he said. But that was the end of the conversation; he was preoccupied with his test. And he’s not a woman – specifically not this woman, who is hyper-aware of potential danger. (After dinner last night, we’d driven around the city in search of ice cream. We ended up on a very cute albeit deserted block in a little suburb. We decided to walk up and down the street, peering in shop windows. At the end of the block we spotted a teenager type who was wearing short sleeves despite the 35 degree weather. I noticed the kid, dismissed him as potential danger, and we kept walking. But I noticed him. And when he seemed to be taking a long time to walk down the block, and then paused in front of us, I noticed him and kept an eye on him. My husband didn’t.)
(I am also that woman who tries to stay hyper-alert in parking garages. The woman who notes the location and appearance of every man in her proximity, trying to determine his Danger Level. The woman who surreptitiously looks under her car before getting in, who locks her doors at all times, who frets over the fact that alarm system installation guy knows our alarm code.)
After I dropped my husband off this morning, I continued to perseverate on the encounter with Hotel Guy. I seem to remember that GOF listed several warning signs that intuition can send – fear is only one of them. Wasn’t “feeling uncomfortable” on that list? WHY DON’T I KEEP A COPY OF GOF IN MY PURSE?
“Well, I hope he doesn’t kidnap me!” I said out loud to myself as I parked in the hotel parking lot, trying for a joke.
Dark humor is DEFINITELY something Gavin De Becker says to keep an eye on. It can voice a real, justifiable fear that might otherwise go unnoticed.
Back in my hotel, I tried my key in the door and it didn’t work. I headed back downstairs, fretting over whether Hotel Guy would be in the lobby… whether I’d have to tell the desk clerk – in Hotel Guy’s earshot – my name or my room number in order to get a new key. No sign of Hotel Guy – but I still hurried.
Safely back in my hotel room, I turned on the shower. Stepped in. Stepped out and pushed the metal U on the door over the latch (the equivalent of a chain lock – you can open the door slightly without unlocking it), deadbolted the door.
When I got out of the shower, the metal U was in the up position – as though someone had opened the door.
When my heart started beating again, I looked out the peephole. A housekeeping cart was parked across the hall. The housekeeper must have opened the door, thinking – rightly – that I’ll be checking out today. Glad I closed the U latch so she didn’t catch me in my altogether!
Listen, I know that Hotel Guy is probably harmless. He didn’t say or do anything that made me think otherwise. Aside from some inappropriate lacking-boundaries comments, he didn’t try any of the Bad Guy tricks Gavin De Becker lays out: no “forced teaming” where he tries to show we have something in common; no favors that make me feel indebted to him; no light insults that make me want to prove him wrong; no compliments.
I know that I am probably doing exactly what Gavin De Becker warned me against: which is allowing my inner Chihuahua to get into a hysterical frenzy of barking over what is probably a leaf blowing outside and not a stranger approaching the door.
Nonetheless this is one of those situations where I don’t know what to do.
Do I allow the lack of those Warning Signs to soothe me, to convince me that there’s nothing to worry about? If the guy IS harmless, I’m sure Good Ol’ Gavin would say, yes, of course he’s harmless: the tricks I taught you PROVE that!
Or do I give in to the nagging unease I feel? If the guy turns out to be a Psycho Kidnapper, Good Ol’ Gavin would say, yes, of course! Your intuition is TELLING YOU to be wary!
Of course, one choice is correct and the other is not. And if I choose wrong, well, it’s my fault.
I think what I’m going to do is call the front desk before I check out. I’m going to ask to speak to a manager. I’m going to say that an employee has been making me slightly uncomfortable and I would appreciate if the manager escorted me to my car.
Internet, if you think I’m being ridiculous – which, I admit! I probably AM being ridiculous! – I don’t really want to hear it. The fact is, when you are a Woman Traveling Alone, you SHOULD be cautious. Is there a point where you can edge into being TOO cautious? Probably. Especially according to The Gav. But I would rather be a ridiculous, hyper-sensitive, blows-situations-out-of-proportion, edgy-over-nothing girl than a dead, polite one.
Now it’s your turn. I would like to hear about a time when YOU felt afraid, and how you dealt with that. Or a time when you felt silly… and the silliness was justified. Or a time when you felt silly, but you weren’t being silly, you were being smart.
(And if you don’t hear from me in the next two weeks? Well, you know where to direct the cops. And you know which new Cautionary Tale you can recommend to Gavin De Becker for his next book.)
UPDATE: I am fine! I know you are super relieved. Sadly, I chickened out on calling the manager. Instead, I a) went out a different door to put my luggage in the car and b) followed another guest through the lobby to the registration desk to check out.
I think your radar is on. I also think the man could be potentially harmless but….the fact that he mentioned that Ken at the front desk doesn’t like it when he talks to the clients is telling. I think you should mention the situation to the front desk manager; tell him that you felt very uncomfortable. I also think you were overly friendly to the man which encouraged him to keep on talking. He probably just doesn’t have good social skills but you never know when someone like that can go too far. Of course, your husband was preoccupied and doesn’t understand the fear and danger that women can have in a hotel alone.
My fear is that someone will be in the back seat of my car. I check it over and over before I drive out of a parking lot. I feel like it is a kind of premonition so I am cautious.
Overly friendly… Man, I felt like I was being barely polite enough. Only answering direct questions, not engaging him, giving him the bare minimum response.
But you’re right – maybe it was enough for him to think we had a “relationship.”
I do the back seat check, too! Too many horror movies or campfire tales?
You didn’t sound overly friendly to me. It sounds to me like you were sending very strong back-off, not-interested signals to him, without going so far as to cross the line into the Discomfort Zone of saying “Back off” or “Don’t talk to me.” It sounded to me like you did it just right, especially since you remembered on the spot that you shouldn’t give info: I get caught up and can’t think straight, and later realize I answered things I shouldn’t have.
This! But as I do this with most people who try to talk to me in public (due mostly to social anxiety/guardedness as opposed to fear-of-being-kidnapped-or-what-have-you), I think there are a LOT of people out there that are TERRIBLE at receiving these signals. They’re just so dense, they don’t get it. And then of course, it’s scary to come right out and be all, “I’m sorry, you’re all up in my personal space and I’m not digging it, so please move along” (at least I think it would be scary, I’m too scared to try it) because then if you ARE dealing with a crazy, that could really piss them off. I am really afraid of appearing rude, so generally I’ll do the bare minimum to seem “coldly polite,” but somehow this just invites more conversation from the really, truly dense.
I forgot to add that when I was an insurance claims adjuster, I had to go out to take photos of damaged cars on claims. I went to a house where a young man was living. I knocked at the door; he opened it and the interior of the house was dark. He invited me in. I felt….evilness? I didn’t go inside, told him I would take photos of the car damage and he could come out so I could talk to him about the claim procedures. Was I overly worried? Was he going to do something to me? I don’t know but I didn’t have that feeling before or after on my job. I would rather make a fool of myself than ignore those feelings.
I think you have to consider the situation this man is in. You said he is in his mid 50’s… he’s mopping floors at a hotel… probably not well educated, not well respected… yes, he sounds socially awkward and, in my opinion, very lonely and desperate for someone to talk to, someone to listen to him. I think his comment about Ken not liking him talking to guests (and falsely attributing that to his political beliefs) speaks volumes about his poor understanding of normal social etiquette. I don’t think he sounds like a threat at all, just a lonely man in a dead end job.
But, I’m not a worrier. I can’t remember a time that I’ve ever feared for my safety, and I generally trust strangers. I grew up with two much older brothers who beat on me constantly and I learned to defend myself. I’m probably over confident, if anything. But, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I think people who walk and act confident and dominating are far less likely to be victims.
Yes, I totally agree – he is probably a lonely man who just wants to make friends, who would probably be shocked and perplexed to learn that he was making me uncomfortable.
But this is what I find so confusing about GOF: You can use LOGIC, but there is also INTUITION. And if logic and intuition are arguing, which one do you listen to?
I travel alone a good bit – mostly for work – so and when I do, I try to be as observant as possible. I’ve also put a desk chair in front of the door when I’m showering or sleeping, which is probably a fire hazard but helps me stay calm. If I had seen the bolt undone, I probably would have changed rooms. And talked to the manager about the overly chatty man. I err towards silent when I’m travelling especially in the hotel where it’s obviously just me in the room. When I was on vacation someone had to come fix the lights and I stood in the open doorway and held the door open with my hip – I felt awkward but more secure than if the door was closed. I also try to not leave the hotel after 7/8pm if possible unless I’m going to a function/event. I think it’s better to be cautious than not, but that’s just me.
Sometimes I feel bad for not being more friendly with people; I tend to think of people suspiciously when I’m alone. But I’d much rather be safe than sorry. I’ve heard that when you enter a hotel room, it’s always good to prop the door open with your bag and inspect the entire room before shutting the door.
OMG OMG OMG. I have never heard that before but I will NEVER FORGET IT.
That seems like the perfect moment for someone to come in BEHIND me, though! And if my door was locked, it seems less likely that someone would be already in there than that they’d follow me.
That was a really thought provoking post. I am just an intuition truster, as it has never failed me before. I don’t have any specific rules or guidelines that I follow when dealing with other people who may be…not so safe. BUT you’ve given me a lot to think about.
Recently I went on vacation to Mexico alone. I met an American ex-pat there who was maybe 60, in declining health but friendly. Up until then, everyone, including lots of other ex-pats, had been great! Friendly, nice, talkative, kept normal boundaries etc etc. Though I didn’t feel threatened by this guy (as I could have easily taken him out, even though I was still in a walking boot from ankle surgery, he was sort of frail and used crutches), he made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. He was overly friendly, asked me verging on inappropriate questions, made definite inappropriate comments. As my discomfort heightened, I basically stopped answering his questions, only answering in one word or as minimal info as possible. Unfortunately, he would then find ways to get me to keep talking to him, by sitting next to me, or specifically using my name and then asking me a question. Again, he wasn’t threatening, and other ex-pats knew him and helped him out. He wasn’t a bad person. But still. I think I stayed longer than I should have. Thinking back on it and describing it again, I definitely stayed longer than I should have given how uncomfortable I was. Perhaps because I knew my safety wasn’t really an issue I was a bit more lax. And strangely enough, the whole rest of the time I was there, I was on the look-out for this guy, hoping I’d never have to see or talk to him again.
Anyway, I totally understand your story. And if it were me, I don’t know if I would have called the manager because I’m not that ballsy, BUT I probably would have waited until I heard someone else leaving their room and then tried to walk out ‘with them’ as to avoid having to be alone with that guy. Or something more sneaky that wouldn’t give away my fear. Though, if I frame it in the correct way, as “my reporting this may save someone else this fear” then I would report it. I don’t know. It’s tricky. And hard. And scary.
And totally agree that by partner does not pay attention to everyone he sees the way I do. I remember seeing people, what they were wearing, strange behavior. Especially when I’m alone, I am constantly on the look out.
See, when you say that talking to the manager could be helping other people, well, one reason I DON’T want to call the manager is because I don’t want to get anyone in trouble. Particularly if my discomfort is unwarranted.
Man. There’s a lot of societal pressure to Act The Right Way. And when I encounter people who are odd or who feel comfortable stepping over boundaries, I am both perplexed by their willingness to ignore that pressure… and yet still bound by that pressure, myself, to respond in The Right Way.
I don’t know how to get around it. I understand that safety is more important than being polite; but that doesn’t make it EASY to be rude or risk seeming jumpy, or seek help or whatever.
Honestly he sounds like he is either on the spectrum, mentally ill, or mildly mentally retarded, because he didn’t pick up on any of your obvious “leave me alone” social cues and he obviously doesn’t know what’s appropriate. HOWEVER I think the whole point of the GOF is that we as women value politeness and not rocking the boat over protecting ourselves. We don’t want to offend anyone! But looking out for yourself is more important than not offending anyone, so yes, I’d do what you have to do to feel safe in this situation.
The other day we were in a pizza restaurant and an obviously homeless man came in and sat down across from our table and started trying to get money from us. The manager came and kicked him out, but before that happened, I was trying to figure out the best angle to throw myself over the children when the guy pulled out a knife. My husband was trying to figure out how to get himself closer to HIS PEPPERONI PIZZA.
I think I’d have a really hard time not being nice and polite to someone like hotel guy. I’d be on high alert (as I almost always am when traveling), but not too worried. I’m probably too trusting of people. I wonder if it’s because I grew up in the Midwest? Everyone is so nice here, and polite, and mostly non-threatening. I used to travel a lot for work and being in strange hotel rooms was a little nerve wracking, but I was in small-town Iowa and not THAT concerned. Also, it helped to know several neighboring rooms had co-workers in them instead of possible murderers.
You know, he sounds like a guy so clueless that he had no idea that the stuff he said could make anyone besides his boss uncomfortable. Follow your intuition, and good luck to the Dr. of the house with Step 3! We’ll be following suit soon, for fortuneately enough for us, it’s in town!
My uncomfortable moments have been in whyen living in a big city with gangs of hoodlums parading the streets – even in broad daylight, at some times (we lived near a high school). I took steps not to have to pass by them by crossing the street, etc. And Never going out alone at night farther than the parking lot. Occasionally we’d have anxious moments hearing some crazy shouting obscenties at everyone and everything until police showed up. Good times-not! I don’t miss them.
Perfect example for you…..
When I was a pharmaceutical sales rep, the company required us to have a storage unit to house our marketing materials and drug samples. My storage unit was indoors. If you’ve ever been in an indoor storage facility, you know that they are endless hallways (almost labyrinth like) of unit after unit after unit. One of the guys that worked there was a complete SKETCH ball, and would know when I was in my unit because the hallways were monitored by surveillance. He was an older gentleman – probably in his 60’s – that would stop by the unit to “chat.” He was nice, but after some time he would start asking about taking me for a ride on his motorcycle. Luckily I knew some of the other female reps that utilized this particular facility, and they made me aware that he was also chatting – and asking the same questions. I didn’t necessarily feel threatened, but at the same time, I wanted to be on the safe side. I stopped visiting my unit alone, and would only go with another representative. This man eventually crossed the line when he obtained my phone number from facility’s records and called me to ask if I was interested in a bike ride over the weekend. I notified my manager, and the manager of the facility. Come to find out, the facility manager had already reported the guy to HR because of complaints from other reps.
I guess what is important to remember is that although men definitely cross the line and make us feel uncomfortable, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are going to kill us. At the same time, why should we be made to feel uncomfortable? The biggest lesson is to be smart – be aware of your surroundings, be aware of your escape routes, and make sure that you listen to that little voice inside (that’s what Oprah always says) and when you feel threatened, tell someone or get the hell out.
I don’t think the lobby guy wanted to kill you. Like the previous commenter noted, he is probably lonely and uneducated, and maybe even slightly mentally unstable. At the same time if he is making you uncomfortable, you have a right to feel that way, and the right to do something about it!!!
And a trick – whenever I’m walking alone (whether it be a parking garage or lot) I always put a key sticking out between my index finger and middle finger so if I need to hit someone I’m somewhat stabbing them with my key.
I figure it will give me a little bit of a head start if I need to run 🙂
I had a very similar encounter after reading the book, and went through a similar thought process. In both cases, my conclusion is that your guy and my guy are both socially inappropriate and mentally off and bad with social cues, and that certainly we shouldn’t go with them or whatevs, but that they are unlikely to be dangerous. (And that after our bodies were found, hindsight would be SO CLEAR and we’d almost certainly be illustrative anecdotes in his next book.)
Mine was a guy in an antique store, who followed my mom and me around giving too many details and asking for information he shouldn’t ask for. Our conclusion was (1) harmless, (2) annoying, (3) but let’s leave now anyway, just because.
You are completely within your rights to speak to a manager, explain the situation and ask for an escort. It’s extra creepy that this guy made you feel uncomfortable like that in your hotel. That’s where you should feel safe! The manager is going to want to know about it. ICK.
Oh! I had another thought, though it may blow our minds with it’s “Have you ever really LOOKED at your HAND”ness. It is this: you DID listen to your instincts. Your instincts told you not to get involved, but that there was not likely to be danger. And you were right: there was no danger. You weren’t attacked. Neither was I, with my antique store guy. Our instinct put us on the level of cautious we use with people who are not behaving socially normally, but didn’t put us on RUN RUN RUN level, and neither of us DID need to run, but it WAS wise to be disengaged—not because THE WRONG CHOICE WOULD KILL US but because the wrong choice would leave us trapped for hours with someone lonely and not very interesting to talk to.
Hey, if Gavin can use hindsight to prove his points, I don’t see why we can’t.
Dude. Yikes. I would be equally creeped out and would probably have handled it the exact same way.
But I had to comment cuz my husband just took Step 3, too! And now I’m feeling relieved that I didn’t have to drive him or stay in a hotel to do so. Now we commence the business of not worrying about Step 3. *fingers crossed*
OMG, OMG, OMG, you were NOT being paranoid. That guy was a creepazoid freak. I would be the same exact way. I hope this weirdo either stops being like this if he’s a normal guy who social problems (but I think he probably had ill intentions, even if they were not to kidnap and murder you). Ack.
Oh sh*t this type of thing happens to me all the time. I think maybe because I look really young. Your behavior towards him is exactly what most people would have done-been polite but a little distant. As a woman, you never know when something bad can happen and it’s wise to remain on guard. I used to work in a sketchy neighborhood and my boss used to walk me to the car all the time because even the security guard was a little too friendly in an uncomfortable way.
Now, I have never been attacked or really threatened. But I feel that part of the reason I haven’t (part is luck of course, as there are some times where there is really nothing you can do) is because I am careful of the situations I put myself in. Like years ago, a friend of mine called me to come rescue her downtown because her car was dead in a parking lot and she wanted to use my AAA card. I went, but I made her go with me to a hotel lobby and had AAA meet us there, instead of waiting at night in the parking lot.
And maybe this guy isn’t a murderer, but I think you are way justified in staying well away from him. And even if you feel like he is safe, there is no reason for you to be uncomfortable around him.
Well I’ve had three stalkers. One was waiting for me in my bedroom, in the dark when I got home from work. One tried to run me over and then attacked me, thank HEAVEN’S for dogs. 🙂 SO, I’m sorta paranoid. 🙂 And mean to boys who won’t leave me alone!
I watch so much SVU that sh*t like this is always making me paranoid! You know what though? Better safe than sorry!
Maybe don’t wear that sweatshirt with the college name and year on it, unless you are puttering around the garden. Or any clothing or accessories that give away any clues about you. Just like they say to do with kids–no names on backpacks, etc.
On a totally different subject, I first tuned in to your blog about a year ago when you were describing the yummy chocolates you made with your dad. Is that tradition continuing this year?
Yes! My father is making chocolates again this year! We’ve been doing that since I was very small and the only “help” I could offer was sneaky chocolate sampling.
Unfortunately, I won’t be traveling to my parents’ this Christmas, so he and my brother will be doing the chocolate making without me. I’ll see if I can get him to send me some pictures of the chocolates to share on the blog.
That is so hard to figure out! On the one hand, I have a child who does not instinctively/easily understand social boundaries/cues, so I do have some sympathy there, but, on the other hand, the older my child gets, the more he has learned what the appropriate boundaries are and what the cues mean, and I expect that he will have a really good grasp on these concepts YEARS before he is 50 or 60.
While I was reading this, it made me think of the man who had been breaking into locked houses in my neighborhood; he hadn’t done anything beyond breaking in and watching people sleep, but I couldn’t help thinking that, at some point, he was going to move beyond just watching people sleep. Maybe Hotel Guy was just being socially-inappropriately friendly, or maybe he was just practicing pushing appropriate boundaries ON PURPOSE.
Hmmm. Maybe the thing that author missed (because he has no experience with being a woman who knows she is always vulnerable) was that we might not be in danger with a certain person at a particular moment they are interacting with us, so we won’t have a fear response during that interaction, but there is always the possibility that, after having interacting with that person some number of times, he might GET IDEAS….so is it better to ignore that uncomfortable feeling since we aren’t in danger at THAT moment, or pay attention to that uncomfortable feeling in the hope that being aware of that unease will help to keep us out of danger in the long run? What if you are uncomfortable the first time because your intuition is telling you that this person COULD be a danger to you, but you ignore that feeling because there seems to be no basis for it, but the feeling persists because the person is starting to GET IDEAS, but you continue to ignore it based on your assessment of not being in danger the first time you felt uncomfortable? I have interacted with people who, I found out afterwards, SHOULD HAVE SET OFF THE WARNING BELLS, but they didn’t! This gives me some SERIOUS doubts about my instincts…but what good are instincts if they only warn us when we are IN the dangerous situation instead of warning us so that we can STAY OUT OF the dangerous situation?
Aaaaand, maybe I should just stop typing because I doubt I’m helping with anybody’s “irrational” fears =). (At least you know you aren’t alone in the anxiety boat ;-)!)
The author actually does mention something similar to this, in a couple of places. The first is that, it’s impossible for a totally benign guy to ‘get ideas’ and change character. If they ‘get ideas’ they were ALWAYS a risk, and therefore, intuition trumps.
Second point is – why are you ignoring your intuition because of lack of consciously identified ‘basis’? Did you read the book?
Third mention is that sophisticated predators have a specific set of characteristics in the type of victims that they ‘interview’ you for. I’m not sure what you’re alluding to about learning about that guy in hindsight, but it could have been that he really was no risk to you at all.
A majority of the comments I see on here seem to lament that de Becker’s advice isn’t as clear cut or simple as it makes out, when unfortunately, some of his advice is being unintentionally ignored, like ignoring intuition in favour of conscious denial, and refusing to say no to someone. Saying ‘No’, and maintaining power from someone in a conversation is a very good way to gauge their intent from their reaction. It doesn’t matter what a guy’s history is, or what rumours persist about him – to be safe, the most relevant and clear-cut cue that you can take is how they respond to your ‘No’ in that moment.
These kinds of situations can be so uncomfortable!! I’m not exactly sure what I would have done in your situation, but I probably would have talked to the manager. The guy is admitting he isn’t supposed to be talking to guests and has been in trouble for it before. By not reporting creepy or at the very least, inappropriate behavior, I think that we are preventing natural consequences. By not holding him accountable, someone else will likely have to deal with the very same situation, Just my opinion.
Aspergers, I think…which means you were absolutely correct about his lack of appropriate boundries. So, good intuition.
It might also be helpful to truly believe that you do NOT owe total politeness to everyone, especially total strangers who are making you either uncomfortable or a little nuts. I am not suggesting being insulting or threatening to them, but I am suggesting there is no reason why you shouldn’t get away from them without worrying over-much about hurting their feelings
It does seems you might usefully figure out a stock response to handling situations where you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation….so you can use it (the response) rather without over-thinking it. Maybe two-pronged….like “excuse me, I have to go, my husband is meeting me” or “Gosh, I’m sorry but I just remembered I have to call my (fill in the blank) now” And then walk away, perhaps dialing that call as you do. And, why on earth would you not really tell someone if an employee of theirs seems rather remarkably lacking in any sense of appropriate boundaries. If you were the employer, wouldn’t you be horrified if no one told you?
At any rate, Christmas approaches, the days start getting longer and generally life is sweet enough to enjoy.
Kathy
You sound a lot like my 20yr old daughter who watches a lot of Law and Order SVU ! I think you do have to listen to your instincts, especially when you are traveling alone. Sounds like you did everything right and I don’t think it would have been over the top to ask for an escort to your car. As you said, better to be overly cautious than the alternative.
Wow, well let me say first that I am glad you are ok!
I had a situation where I didn’t trust my gut. Back in ’99 I went to a concert in Atlanta with some of my college girlfriends and once the concert ended we went back to the car that was parked in a neighborhood with a lot of other cars. On our way to the car I noticed shattered glass on the street. At least 10 cars had their windows smashed and stereos stolen out of the car. We had two groups with us walking to their cars also. Something told me to turn around and call for help, but we kept walking towards the car because we were hoping our car wasn’t vandalized also. Out of nowhere a teenager in a baseball cap asked if we needed help. Again, the voice in my head asked “where the hell did he come from?”, but my girlfriends were relieved to see someone. When we made it to the car, it was vandalized. All of the purses that were locked in the truck were gone, they even stole the spare tire!! My friend asked the guy if he had a cell phone she could use. He reached in his pocket but then turned around to flag someone down. Next thing I know, 3 guys came running out of the woods with a shotgun. The guy was a decoy. We were held at gunpoint and robbed of our remaining items. My girlfriends were crying, but I didn’t shed a tear. I was furious. Furious I didn’t listen to that voice inside my head and furious I trusted this stranger to help us. Instead of helping us, he was helping himself to our belongings and jewelry. The other two groups were robbed as well. They ran back into the woods when it was all over and we promptly got into the car and went to the closest police station.
I am like you. I do not trust anyone. I am sorry, but I do not. Sure you can be friendly to people, but I will not give away too much information and I will become uncomfortable if you ask me too many questions. When I stay in a hotel, if I am by myself and another man gets on the elevator with me, I will press the button for the wrong floor on purpose. I know ppl think that might be taking it overboard, but I do not care. I have seen someone watching me out in the parking lot before and I turned around and went back into the store like I forgot something. I have one life and I plan to live on this earth a long time.
So yes, I understand how you feel and I do not think you are crazy. I do not walk in constant fear, I am just on my guard. My senses are heightened permanently now. No one is going to tell me to ignore my gut feeling. It is there for a reason!!
I think the guy at your hotel might have been mildly retarded or socially inept. However, he wanted too many details from you. I think if you told him your room number, he probably would have showed up with papers in hand asking for you to critique them. He remembered the college you went too. He could have been harmless, but then again, something didn’t feel right about him and I think you were right.
1) I had at least 4 heart attacks reading this.
2) I have a family member who is super socially awkward and used to always get fired from jobs for making people uncomfortable like that. This totally reminded me of him. I think you WERE being overly friendly for that type of person – the ONLY way to not be is to be outright rude and ignore any attempts at a conversation. ANY acknowledgement is a sign of interest and an invitation to be bothered again.
I am so glad that you are like this too! I used to travel alone for work all the time and while it generally didn’t bother me, there were times when I could barely move for fear. What’s interesting is that I have had times when my “fear instinct” has failed me – for instance, I was followed by a guy into the hotel lobby from the street, but he stopped at the check in counter so I didn’t think anything of it. Then he jogged down the hall to get on the elevator with me – I was a little uncomfortable but no worries. Then when the elevator got to my floor, I walked out, only to find him right behind me, and he tried to get into my room with me. It was extremely scary and not something I would usually get myself into – I would normally have gone to a different floor than my room is on, faked that I forgot something at the front desk and gone back downstairs, or simply gotten out of the elevator when he first got in with me, and said ooops, forgot my key or something. For some reason, this guy didn’t scare me. And yet, he was the one I should have been afraid of. Weird?
I also really like the “dark humor” thing – I had never thought of that, but I do that often. Think dark jokes to myself about someone who is making me uncomfortable. I am literally always aware of where I am, who is around me, and whether I feel like I’m being watched. It’s kinda a sucky way to live but I don’t know how to turn it off.
Man, this is really interesting. I’m still trying to formulate what I think of the whole situation, but suffice it to say, I’m glad everything worked out in the end.
Listening to your gut is crucial- I believe that we have instinct developed over time and it’s linked to our survival. As modern humans, it’s often ignored for one reason or another. We want to seem ‘nice’ , we don’t want to be ‘rude’ but when it comes down to it, instinct is made up of all those little whispers inside us. All the moments that make you stop and say “hmmmm. that’s odd” or the tiny hints that cause your hairs to stand on their ends.
I was leaving a video store with a girlfriend in 2001 & this guy outside the store started talking to us out of the blue. She responded with short & sweet answers. Polite but not forthcoming. I was quiet & said nothing. As we walked further towards our car he started walking with us. Asking us what we were up to, what movie we rented, and where we were heading to. I instantly got creeped out. Why is a complete stranger asking us questions and more importantly why would I care more about a complete strangers feelings than the potential of my own safety. As the awkward meter quickly rose I suddenly stopped and looked at the guy directly in his eyes and said “Dude! Why are you following us??” It was one of the most powerful moments of my life. He stopped walking and said “umm ok, I didn’t mean anything. I was just asking” We kept going and got to our car, locked the doors and drove away, both knowing that the situation had a high creepy factor. Was he most likely harmless? Sure. Were we most likely going to be just fine? Sure. Was I willing to chance my life & safety on ‘most likely’ just so I didn’t appear rude? Absolutely not.
Most victims report having had a “sense” that something was amiss but they dismissed it for one reason or another. I would rather dismiss a stranger acting inappropriately or in a way that makes me even slightly uncomfortable.
Glad everything turned out ok for you and Good Job trusting your gut!
I know this is incredibly late, but wanted to comment on your thoughts at the conclusion of the post.
I’m currently reading the GOF. I really don’t believe that if you spoke to de Becker he would say something along the lines of, ‘You should have known he was fine, as per my signals.” After all, he dedicated a whole chapter to the dangers of heavy reliance on ‘expert’ lists, and that intuition is the most powerful tool we have in alerting danger.
I used to work in retail, and had countless interactions with people that made me feel uncomfortable, but were ultimately harmless. As you alluded to, they were mostly very socially awkward and inappropriate. The difference is that with these people, they don’t try to gain the upperhand. Hotel Guy never tried to talk you out of a ‘no’, which what I ALWAYS use when someone is making me feel uncomfortable. For myself, their reaction helps me to distinguish between those who don’t realise what they’re doing, and those who are trying to manipulate you.