Rules for a Happy Marriage

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Making Time

Rule #56:

Make time for your marriage. No matter what.

For four of the past six weeks, my husband has been on night float. This means that he comes home at nine in the morning. Sleeps until five thirty. Wakes up. Eats dinner. Showers. And heads to work at seven thirty.

So if we’re lucky, we get to spend two and a half hours together each day.

It’s been tough. Don’t get me wrong – I know other couples have it worse. But I don’t like this weird “ships passing in the night” kind of relationship we have going on right now.

We’ve been trying really hard to make time for each other. Even if it’s five minutes a day.

If my husband gets home early… and if I’m sleeping in… he’ll climb into bed with me and tell me all about his night.

If he sleeps late, or if I have a few minutes between afternoon tasks, I’ll go climb into bed next to him and we’ll talk quietly as he wakes up.

And we have this little goopy, sappy, silly goodbye routine.

We meet at the door and give each other a long kiss. I inevitably admire how handsome he looks in his scrubs, how blue his eyes are against the fabric. One of us will pull the other in tightly, crank up the Passion-o-Meter to Extra Passionate, and kiss again. Then we’ll say the same little things:

“I love you.”

“I love you.

“Drive safely.”

“I’ll call you if I can.”

“Have a good night.”

“You too. I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss YOU.”

Several more kisses.

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

We do it no matter what – whether I’m in the middle of crafting a sentence or mid-bite of dinner, whether we’ve had any time to chat throughout the day, whether I’m heading out to book club or he’s headed off to work.

It’s this little pocket of intimacy… A moment just for us, where nothing else – not sleep, not work, not food, not hygiene – is distracting us from each other. Where the urgency of getting to the next moment is suspended. Where we look into each other’s eyes and hold each other and try to draw out the moment forever.

And you know? I like it so much I think I might keep it up even after night float is done.

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There Is Never Any Doubt

Rule #22:

Say “I love you.”

Husband and I say “I love you” so often it’s almost like a nervous tic or a reflex.

A few years ago, he said, “I think we say it too often. Maybe we should cut back on saying it.”

So we tried.

But it didn’t take.

A few days of suppressing our “I love you” urge, and we were back to saying it fifty times a day.

And you know what? I’m glad. If something horrible were to happen, we would know without question that we were loved. That’s why our last words to each other – before bed, before leaving for work, before heading to the gym or the grocery store or ending a phone call – are “I love you.”

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The Best Sleep You’ll Ever Get

Rule #4:

Instead of counting sheep to fall asleep, think of all the different reasons you love your spouse.

– I love the way you smooth your cheek against mine right after you’ve shaved.

– I love that you hate killing bugs, but you do it for me anyway.

– I love your long eyelashes.

– I love the little threads of grey in your hair.

– I love the way you tap my knee to the opening music of our favorite TV shows.

– I love that you have to open things – CDs, new appliances, bottles of marinade – as soon as we get them home.

– I love the way you look with a few days’ stubble.

– I love how handsome, mature, and professional you look in your white coat.

– I love the way our bodies fit together when we sleep.

– I love that you are so respectful of your family.

– I love that you eat turkey sandwiches for lunch almost every single day.

– I love how easily you pick up languages.

You’ll fall asleep smiling.