Rule #56:
Make time for your marriage. No matter what.
For four of the past six weeks, my husband has been on night float. This means that he comes home at nine in the morning. Sleeps until five thirty. Wakes up. Eats dinner. Showers. And heads to work at seven thirty.
So if we’re lucky, we get to spend two and a half hours together each day.
It’s been tough. Don’t get me wrong – I know other couples have it worse. But I don’t like this weird “ships passing in the night” kind of relationship we have going on right now.
We’ve been trying really hard to make time for each other. Even if it’s five minutes a day.
If my husband gets home early… and if I’m sleeping in… he’ll climb into bed with me and tell me all about his night.
If he sleeps late, or if I have a few minutes between afternoon tasks, I’ll go climb into bed next to him and we’ll talk quietly as he wakes up.
And we have this little goopy, sappy, silly goodbye routine.
We meet at the door and give each other a long kiss. I inevitably admire how handsome he looks in his scrubs, how blue his eyes are against the fabric. One of us will pull the other in tightly, crank up the Passion-o-Meter to Extra Passionate, and kiss again. Then we’ll say the same little things:
“I love you.”
“I love you.
“Drive safely.”
“I’ll call you if I can.”
“Have a good night.”
“You too. I’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss YOU.”
Several more kisses.
“I love you.”
“I love you.”
We do it no matter what – whether I’m in the middle of crafting a sentence or mid-bite of dinner, whether we’ve had any time to chat throughout the day, whether I’m heading out to book club or he’s headed off to work.
It’s this little pocket of intimacy… A moment just for us, where nothing else – not sleep, not work, not food, not hygiene – is distracting us from each other. Where the urgency of getting to the next moment is suspended. Where we look into each other’s eyes and hold each other and try to draw out the moment forever.
And you know? I like it so much I think I might keep it up even after night float is done.
I think it’s super important to find a few minutes out of every day to be completely just an “us”…not an “us-with-laundry-needing-to-be-folded” or an “us-that-needs-to-take-the-dog-out-before-she-pees-on-the-floor”. I love that you two have a routine…I think it’s adorable.
I’ve been spoiled with Russ’ rotations so far, they have been SUPER easy in regards to time. I’m terrified of what’s to come. Any tips you can pass along? (I think I tried to email you once but I realize I may have not had the correct email).
We’re sappy when we say goodbye too. Especially now with me going to work and T at home. I just want to stay home forever. 🙂
The little things in a relationship usually outweigh the big. 🙂
This is what makes being married to a physician difficult. It’s these schedules that account for the 99% divorce rate among neurosurgeons. It’s god-awful. But you know what? If you can make it, you can make it through anything. It’s only temporary. I kept saying this to myself when Jerbear was on Q3 27 hour call. I think nightfloat is worse but it’s something all med and surg interns need to do it seems.
Having said all that, when I was told “it’s only temporary,” I said “it’s like dieting — it’s only temporary but knowing that doesn’t stop you from feeling the pain of starvation.” It hurts, but look, it’s almost over.
You and your husband are so adorable I can’t even handle it. And my cousin works the night shift and when I visited him and his wife and daughter I was blown away that some people live like that – it just seems so very hard.
You know my friend… you give the very best advice!
And when S and I are FINALLY living in the same place I am going to come back here and I am going to read this advice because I know I am going to need it. I admire that you and your husband work so hard to make it work – because like any marriage, divorce is seemingly so “easy” when the times get tough – you guys prove that even when the times get tough, you make it work!!
Adorable. It’s stuff like this that I missed a lot when the hubs was living apart for me this summer. His work schedule was brutal and often, our only conversation of the day was him calling me at 11 p.m. and saying he was exhausted and had to go to sleep. Around this time next year, he’ll be on that crazy schedule full time but at least we’ll be in the same city. Still, it totally *can* be like you’re two ships passing in the night, like you said. Making the most of your time together, no matter how little time it is, is so important!
This all makes me feel very happy on the inside because I know exactly what you mean. I love the lovey stuff- the lovey stuff softens the blow of the away time and the barely together time.
Hmmm…. I love kisses. I love snuggling more though. I’m spoiled because my husband works from home, and some times, if I ask, we snuggle for a few minutes mid day. I am not excited about the prospects of him going back to working in an office. 🙁
Your post brings back so many memories. It sounds like you’re both handling it MUCH better than we did. When Jrex would get his one day off a month, I swear we usually spent it with me crying about something. I was carrying everything for both of us all the time (cause he was exhausted and carrying the weight of life/death and hospital politics) and I ended up just dumping on him as soon as he had any time to focus on me.
I like your routine much better!
Thank you for writing this post! My husband is in his first year of medical school and I am dying! I hardly get to see him and when I do it’s when he finally emerges from his office taking a break from studying. I’ve been trying to tell him that we HAVE to make time for each other no matter what, but its hard in med school and he has so many responsiblities. I love y’all’s idea of having a routine for when he leaves! I want us to start one of our own! Thank you so much!!!
That’s really sweet. I may have to steal that (even though my schedule and my husband’s schedule is nothing near as bad as that) (also with a few changes. Its not like I’m going to totally plagiarize the script or anything).
I love this and I love how sweet you two are. It’s great that you can still be so adorable and madly in love after all this time of being together. And hopefully it won’t last too much longer!
Man, I’m not sure if I could do that not seeing T that often. Your exchange with your hubby is so cute, though. I think it’s great you still take time out for each other no matter how much time it is.
You are totally right. Finding moments like that in a crazy day is what keeps me going.
I love your routine! So cute. 🙂
Your routine is very similar to ours on night shift nights. Honestly though, although night shift is my least favorite shift of his on weekends, during the week I’d rather have him working nights than the 2-midnight shift. At least with nights I get those couple of hours with him after I get home from work and we get to eat dinner together. But with the 2-midnight shifts, he’s asleep when I leave for work and I’m asleep when he gets home. It sucketh. 🙁 We’ve had a lot of crappy 2-midnight shifts lately.
He does look oh-so-handsome in his scrubs though.
I think that is absolutely an amazing idea. I am going to try to implement something like that in my life/routine because it doesn’t just sound like a good idea, it sounds like relationship super glue.
ah, i love it! its so true… its the most important thing in a relationship! you have to make time for one another, even if its little things!
and i love your goodbye routine! every time i think of great goodbyes i think of the movie The Family Man… the wife gives him one great goodbye before he leaves for work… and the husband walks away smiling! love to send him off like that!
tonight my love and i are going on a date night and the coming home and watching Date Night!! :0) can’t wait!
Hey, I have an award for you…stop by sometime and pick it up 🙂
I love it, Hubs and I do something very similar though our first I love you’s are followed up with I love you mores and nu-uhs and I love you infinity mostest….it’s alllllways a competitition but in a very loving passionate head over heels kind of way!
SWOON!!
Absolutely adorable!
And oh-so-wise 🙂
(Also, not to start a big war by any means, but I have read (in my research on lawyers’ divorce rates) that the highest rate of divorce by medical specialty is in the psychiatry/psychology fields and is about 50%, and the next highest was female doctors who married non-doctors while still in med school, and that was less than 50%)(but then “surgery” was high on the list, and included lots of specialties, presumably neurosurgery) so the previous comment seems a little too high to me? But of course I am far from an expert on the subject!)
Awwww. That is very sweet. And important.
And I feel your pain about the “us” time!