Step 1: Renounce carbs.

 

Step 2: Plan week’s meals with husband; discover that pretty much every meal you like includes carbs in some form.

Step 2a: Commence weeping and rending of clothes.

Step 3: Make tacos for dinner.

Step 4: Ignore husband when he asks, “You know taco shells are carbs, right?”

Step 5: Contract raging case of Bagel Craving.

Step 6: Forego a package of Lender’s bagels (what? I LIKE them) for a single bagel from the grocery store bakery.

Step 7: Respond to husband’s question, “Isn’t a bagel pure carbohydrates?” by saying “I’ll show you a carbohydrate… right to the junk!”

Step 8: Decide to eat bagel.

Step 8a: Discover that, unlike Lender’s bagels, this stupid bagel is not pre-cut.

Step 9: Commence cutting bagel in half.

Step 9a: Stab self in middle finger with tip of knife.

Step 9b: Do not look at blood do not look at blood do not look at blood.

Step 9c: Hold bleeding finger under ice cold water; feel grateful for the first time ever that the water is so goddamn cold.

Step 9d: Wrap a bandaid around frozen finger, effectively cutting off circulation.

Step 9e: Inspect knife for errant blood spatter.

Step 9e1: Determine that errant is not the word you mean; keep it anyway.

Step 9e2: Poetic license, y’all.

Step 9f: Resume cutting bagel in half. Carefully this time.

Step 10: Place half of bagel in toaster oven.

Step 11: Place other half of bagel back in bagel bag.

Step 12: Put honey in the microwave.

Step 13: Briefly consider asking Twitter if butter that’s been left out on top of the toaster oven for three weeks is okay to eat.

Step 13a: Decide, Naaaahhhhh about asking Twitter. The butter’s fine, man.

Step 14: Hear a pop from the microwave.

Step 15: Open the microwave just as the honey bottle tips over and squirts honey all over the microwave door, the stove, and the floor.

Step 15a: Briefly consider closing the microwave door and moving.

Step 16: Turn on the hot water while mopping up whatever honey has not immediately congealed into a sticky, impossible mess.

Step 16a: Chant new mantra of “at least it’s not sugar” whilst mopping.

Step 17: Run a paper towel under the hot water.

Step 17a: The goddamn water is still ice cold.

Step 17b: BLARGH.

Step 17c: Run paper towel under lukewarm water.

Step 18: Clean up remaining honey mess.

Step 19: Place toasted bagel on plate.

Step 20: Slather with “butter,” if you can call it that.

Step 21: Sprinkle buttered bagel with salt. (YUM.)

Step 22: Squirt honey onto bagel.

Step 22a: Miss bagel entirely and instead squirt the Giant Crevasse of Doom that lies between the counter and the stove.

Step 23: Is this really worth it?

Step 24: Clean up the honey as best as possible.

Step 24a: But obviously you can’t clean anything inside the Giant Crevasse of Doom.

Step 24b: So just leave that alone.

Step 24c: Consider fashioning some sort of “Welcome, Ants!” banner to affix to the honey inside the Crevasse.

Step 24d: Decide, Naaaaaaaahhhhhhh, ants don’t read so good.

Step 25: Sit down.

Step 26: Eat bagel.

Step 27: Endure hours of mild stomach discomfort, possibly related to the “butter” substance smeared all over the bagel.

Step 28: Vow to never eat a carb again.