Well folks, it is officially summerish around these parts. Which means that the bugs are starting to appear from wherever they’ve hidden throughout the winter.
So I thought I would create a Handy Dandy Guide to Killing Unwelcome Critters of the Insect Variety.
How to Kill a Bug
- Spot a bug out of the corner of your eye.
- Shriek like a little girl. (You needn’t be little nor a girl for this step.)
- Shudder dramatically, as though you are auditioning for a Lifetime Original Movie.
- Ensure that the bug is NOT a cockroach. (If a cockroach, abandon plan and sell apartment. Or ask your spouse to kill it.) (And by “ask,” I mean “beg hysterically.”)
- Run quickly to the bathroom.
- Open the toilet lid.
- Grab a handful of toilet paper. A big handful. So as to put a great white distance between your delicate hand and the bug.
- Run back to the Bug Spotting Area.
- Search for the bug, as it has inevitably moved from its original location.
- Approach the bug with great caution, as to prevent it from skittering out of your reach.
- Run in place, daintily, while chanting “ew ew ew!”
- Position the toilet paper bundle slightly below the bug, to prevent it from falling onto the floor/bed/behind the TV.
- Carefully press the remainder of the toilet paper onto the bug.
- Make a pinching motion with the toilet paper while pressing the bundle into the wall. (Again with the falling bugs.)
- Gingerly pull the bug-filled paper away from the wall. (DO NOT DROP THE BUG.)
- Take a very quick peek inside the toilet paper bundle to make sure the bug is there.
- Squeal at the sight of the bug. (This step is mandatory whether the bug is squished or wriggling around unscathed.)
- Stretch your bug-holding arm waaaaaaaaaay out in front of you; continue to pinch the bundle tightly.
- Run to the bathroom.
- Drop the bug and toilet paper bundle into the toilet.
- Tell the bug you are very sorry for ending its life so unceremoniously. (Even if you are not sorry. At all.)
- Flush the toilet.
- Use the other bathroom for the remainder of the day. (Note: If no other bathroom exists, inspect the toilet closely for Zombie Bugs for the remainder of the day.)
- Return to your normal activities.
- Punctuate said normal activities with peripheral visions of phantom bugs.
- Shudder occasionally.
- Repeat as necessary.
You’re welcome.
This is me. I have a bug phobia (especially spiders. spiders infesting my bathroom made it about near impossible for me to shower at home.) Only, I usually do all of the squealing, exceot to prevent bug from disappearing and sending me into a panic that I am going to eat it in my slee, I stand on couch, or something else off the ground and yell for the fiance to come and get it. After 4 years together, he finally just does it because he knows I’m never going to get brave enough to do it on my own. hahaha
And yes. If it’s a cockroach, you should move immediately.
Enjoy your bug free (hopefully) day!
HAHA! Having the same issue over here!!! I’d actually like to add an addendum to your list:
I believe spiders that are OVERHEAD require additional assistance – I WILL NOT kill a spider over my head in case step #14 fails – I think I’d have a self induced heart attack if said spider were to fall on me – especially in my hair. Spiders on the floor/wall – different story. Can be eliminated with a THWAP! of a flip flop!
Ha, that’s hilarious. When I see a bug overhead of me, I have a tendency to get out my Swiffer and beat the life out of it before flushing it down the toilet. Once in law school, I used my hand vacuum to suck up two spiders, but they were still alive in there when I did it, so rather than empty the thing outside, I left the whole vacuum outside. and it ended up raining all night, thus breaking my vacuum. I’m not sure what happened to the bugs though 🙂
Or trap the bug under a cup and wait for you Husband to come home!
Sooo happy I moved away from the roaches!
We have stink bugs that like to come visit every other week or so. My husband has a plan similar to this (umm… I don’t do bugs)… but he puts it down the sink, turns on the garbage disposal and the water while adding a stream of soap. He then lets it run for a bit. lol. I guess he’s more worried about the smell.
Whew, I thought I was going to have to do this unprepared – thanks for the handy guide!
Love this list…. I could see you… or at least the you I imagine you to be enacting each of these steps… classic!
Little hand vacs specifically designated for bug removal are the only way. Fast, easy and you always get to be about a foot away from the bug.
Too funny.
I had to save my daughter because she saw a bug that was really a big cracker crum.
Also had to figure out what the big bird was she kept talking about — it was a fly in the house. 🙂
I usually add an extra step between #22 and #23 where I close the toilet lid just in case the bug is able to swim upstream and makes a reappearance.
Haha, I love this! Especially the “shriek like a little girl” part. That’s exactly how I do it too!
xo
Valerie
Have you been watching me kill bugs way over here in Canada?? Because it’s either that or I vacuum them up. But for some reason I have a small feeling that they don’t die when you vacuum them up – just puts off the inevitable of having to actually touch the stupid bug. YUCK!!!
This is the hands down my favorite post you have ever written. Especially the part about the zombie bug coming back up in the toilet. I cried.
This sounds EXACTLY right! My favorite part is the phantom bugs in periphereal vision. I think we’ve killed roaches ON THE WALLS in three or four places, MONTHS AGO, and still to this day I see bugs there. Grosss!
Hahahah! I am also all about the “great white distance” between my hand and bugs. So hilarious!
We found a spider in office today. I think being married has enabled me into becoming afraid of bugs. I used to be a strong indipendent woman capable of killing her own bugs – but today I stood on my office chair yelling at my husband to “KILL IT!” I may need to re-evaluate my life. lol.
I can’t tell you how many times I had to do this in our very first Texas apartment–the cockroaches were AWFUL!!
I never missed a step… except my first encounter involved one falling on my face 🙁
hahaha…..i killed one today.. we usually suck it up with the vacuum cleaner or swat it with a broom. for some reason the bugs here dont move that much.
im seriously reconsidering eating out in some of the dodgy Mexican or chinese establishments i go to in NYC. it’s rumoured that it’s infested everywhere, so probably only the 4-5 star places are vigilant enough.
PS – Lysol Spray is the best thing ever if you can’t stand to touch surfaces that you *know* has just been walked on by a bug.
I absolutely LOATHE killing bugs…and here in coastal SC, there are plenty of….dare i say it…cockroaches running around – ahhhhh!! HATE it!
I blogged about this a while back myself, haha! Yuck, yuck, yuck – makes my skin crawl just thinking about it!
hahaha… I love this! You are way more brave than me, though! I can only stomach steps 1-4, cockroach or not!
Haha, this is good. Have you ever encountered a bug while showering when there is really nothing you can do except not take your eye off of it and finish as quickly as possible? That’s the worst!
So funny!
I’m the one who’s always gotten the bug capture and disposal/release duties on behalf of my sister or various roommates. For the most part, they just don’t bother me very much.
Except I don’t think I could handle a cockroach. I would have to move out. Immediately. I mean, does one even have the luxury of waiting to sell in this kind of situation?
I don’t kill bugs with my hands…EVER. I put the tissue wrapped around the flip flop for optimal squishage.
Hahah yessss!! That is pretty much exactly what I do. I freaking hate bugs, and I need a full time bug smasher to be with me at all times (maybe when I’m rich).. in the meantime I guess that’s what our men are for? 🙂
Love love love this blog! Thanks for sharing all your experiences as a Dr.’s wife! I feel your pain..
I absolutely LOVE this. Especially number 23. Yup. SO true! haha thanks for sharing this…I was walking myself through it the entire time and agreeing. Although I normally don’t say sorry to the bugs before flushing them. I normally tell them that if they don’t want to die that they should stay outside in the green grass and the trees and NOT come into the house 😉
Oh my god. This makes me giggle!
I just read this post and can’t stop laughing. 🙂 What works for me is to spray the bug with hairspray. I swear this actually works. Keep spraying the bug until it can no longer move and then get a Kleenex or toilet paper to squish the bug before flushing it. This is great for bugs such as flies that are fast and difficult to stop. Ha ha….I am so girly, hate bugs, and this works every time. 🙂
Hi! I’m new to your blog and have been perusing your archives (I hope that’s not considered creepy!) As I have read your blog, I’ve realized we have a lot of things in common, and I always love finding blogs I can relate to! I guess I’m commenting on this post, because, like every other commenter above, I pretty much follow all the steps you listed. And I died laughing just reading your account of “How to Kill a Bug.” Keep writing! I love your blog!