Step 1: Renounce carbs.
Step 2: Plan week’s meals with husband; discover that pretty much every meal you like includes carbs in some form.
Step 2a: Commence weeping and rending of clothes.
Step 3: Make tacos for dinner.
Step 4: Ignore husband when he asks, “You know taco shells are carbs, right?”
Step 5: Contract raging case of Bagel Craving.
Step 6: Forego a package of Lender’s bagels (what? I LIKE them) for a single bagel from the grocery store bakery.
Step 7: Respond to husband’s question, “Isn’t a bagel pure carbohydrates?” by saying “I’ll show you a carbohydrate… right to the junk!”
Step 8: Decide to eat bagel.
Step 8a: Discover that, unlike Lender’s bagels, this stupid bagel is not pre-cut.
Step 9: Commence cutting bagel in half.
Step 9a: Stab self in middle finger with tip of knife.
Step 9b: Do not look at blood do not look at blood do not look at blood.
Step 9c: Hold bleeding finger under ice cold water; feel grateful for the first time ever that the water is so goddamn cold.
Step 9d: Wrap a bandaid around frozen finger, effectively cutting off circulation.
Step 9e: Inspect knife for errant blood spatter.
Step 9e1: Determine that errant is not the word you mean; keep it anyway.
Step 9e2: Poetic license, y’all.
Step 9f: Resume cutting bagel in half. Carefully this time.
Step 10: Place half of bagel in toaster oven.
Step 11: Place other half of bagel back in bagel bag.
Step 12: Put honey in the microwave.
Step 13: Briefly consider asking Twitter if butter that’s been left out on top of the toaster oven for three weeks is okay to eat.
Step 13a: Decide, Naaaahhhhh about asking Twitter. The butter’s fine, man.
Step 14: Hear a pop from the microwave.
Step 15: Open the microwave just as the honey bottle tips over and squirts honey all over the microwave door, the stove, and the floor.
Step 15a: Briefly consider closing the microwave door and moving.
Step 16: Turn on the hot water while mopping up whatever honey has not immediately congealed into a sticky, impossible mess.
Step 16a: Chant new mantra of “at least it’s not sugar” whilst mopping.
Step 17: Run a paper towel under the hot water.
Step 17a: The goddamn water is still ice cold.
Step 17b: BLARGH.
Step 17c: Run paper towel under lukewarm water.
Step 18: Clean up remaining honey mess.
Step 19: Place toasted bagel on plate.
Step 20: Slather with “butter,” if you can call it that.
Step 21: Sprinkle buttered bagel with salt. (YUM.)
Step 22: Squirt honey onto bagel.
Step 22a: Miss bagel entirely and instead squirt the Giant Crevasse of Doom that lies between the counter and the stove.
Step 23: Is this really worth it?
Step 24: Clean up the honey as best as possible.
Step 24a: But obviously you can’t clean anything inside the Giant Crevasse of Doom.
Step 24b: So just leave that alone.
Step 24c: Consider fashioning some sort of “Welcome, Ants!” banner to affix to the honey inside the Crevasse.
Step 24d: Decide, Naaaaaaaahhhhhhh, ants don’t read so good.
Step 25: Sit down.
Step 26: Eat bagel.
Step 27: Endure hours of mild stomach discomfort, possibly related to the “butter” substance smeared all over the bagel.
Step 28: Vow to never eat a carb again.
I’ve never even attempted to give up carbs. It would just NOT work for me at all. I know it’d probably be great for me, but I would just be torturing myself!
I think if I had to go through that much trouble I would give them up as well. However, I love carbs and being Italian I think carbs and vino are vital nutrients that keep me alive 🙂
Sometimes I have to pull the stove out from the wall to get that stupid crack clean. Other times I try toothpicks and Q-tips.
OMG, I need to give up carbs too. As soon as my husband leaves, my bad eating habits magnify. I vow to not eat carbs (after my girls weekend) for two weeks when I will then travel to the mecca of carbs, NJ. I will have no choice but to participate in major carb loading. Then I will give them up again. I know, it’s a great plan! Good luck with yours.
I’ve tried to give up carbs like 10 times. I physically cannot do it. Yum bagels!!!
Also- I cannot imagine trying to clean up honey. That is horrible.
Also also- you make me laugh.
You are hardcore. My mom gave up carbs for a little while and she had dreams about bread for weeks.
I love this post so much. My sister gave up carbs (well, she still eats fruit and dairy, which has SOME carbs – I just mean bread, pasta, rice and all manner of fun carbs) back around Thanksgiving and has lost like 40 pounds. I keep trying to follow suit, but it is not working.
The “Giant Crevasse of Doom” was my favorite part. We have one of those, too.
I just laughed SO hard at this entire post. I can picture it all playing out in my head with such clarity. That damn “Giant Crevasse of Doom” will be the end of me also!!
Although I think I have to disagree with you on Honey being #3 on the list of things you don’t want to spill because OMG what a mess to clean up. At least sugar and rice you can just whip out the vacuum and suck it all up. No?
Good luck on the quest to quit carbs… I, too, need to join this endeavor!
lol, carbs are so tough to give up! Any particualr reason why you want to give them up? Allergies? I’ve debated here and there but who am i kidding, i love me some rolls and muffins and bagels waaaaaaay too much!
My grandma never ever ever put her butter in the refrigerator and I used to love it (back when I could, you know, enjoy dairy pain-free). So I believe it to be completely legitimate to leave it on the counter. So nice…so creamy…
PS- you’re sweet 🙂
1. I gave up carbs for 3 days. My husband says I was the meanest person on the planet for those 3 days. HA! I am now back on carbs. DUH
2. You have twitter? We should be BFF
3. Glad I’m not alone in the honey on bagel things. My husband says the sugars and carbs combine and create a super unhealthy thing. I tell him he can hush or deal with me going off carbs. He then hands me more honey.
4. I too would rather move than clean certain places.
Hahaha! The carb universe is against you!! I would have said fuck it at the microwave episode! Next time, go with peanut butter!
I feel you. I have PCOS and my midwife lectured me on carbs and how anytime I want a carb, I should eat something filled with protein. I should mention that during my pregnancy so far, meat has been the enemy. So I have tried nuts (barftastic) and veggies filled with iron. (Which I coat in butter or cheese) Nothing is satisfying my fire ball of a stomach like Lender’s bagels. Cinnamon Raisin. Yum!
And I get you on the meal planning. I made stroganoff. With no meat. Just fattening sauce and noodles. If you can’t eat meat, and fruit upsets your stomach, (too sweet?) What can you eat? CARBS!
I’m sorry, I found much amusement in your difficult situation. I am a terrible person.
Also: Giant Crevasse of Doom = win.