Some of my biggest failings as a human include a predisposition toward extreme ambivalence, a tendency to catastrophize, a habit of worrying that a good thing happening means an equally bad thing will follow to balance out the universe, and a pattern of endlessly overthinking a decision once it’s already been made. All of these tendencies are rallying together right now, as we prepare to sell our current house and move into the new home we just purchased. I am a wreck of nerves and anxieties. I have not had a solid night of sleep in… three weeks??? (Hello, 3:00 am my old friend.) (WHY IS IT ALWAYS 3:00 AM?!?)
Let’s see if the old “get it out of your brain and onto the page” trick works today.
I am worried that:
- we will move in and end up hating the new house for unforeseen reasons.
- my eye will never stop twitching and I will never have a full night’s sleep again.
- we will never sell our current house, will be stuck paying two mortgages until all our savings drains away, and then be forced to sell our new house at a loss.
- our realtor will tell us the ONLY WAY to sell our house is if we move the majority of our belongings into storage and we have to do that and then move those things into the new house. (My husband and I did a double move when we moved into our first apartment together prior to me starting grad school. IT WAS AWFUL.)
- I will not be able to find a handyman to do the work I want to do on our house and will have to do it myself (which I am WILLING to do, it will just be subpar work).
- none of our furniture will look good in the new house and we will have to spend gajillions of dollars on new furniture.
- encouraging my daughter to donate/give up [beloved baby toy] will ruin her life and she will hate me forever because of it.
- we will all hate the commute and feel like we are in the car all the time and it will ruin our lives. (The new house is QUADRUPLE our current commute to both school and work [although this is because our current commute is six minutes].)
- Carla will be consumed with grief over leaving our neighbors and their dogs and will never forgive us for doing this to her.
- I will (continue to) be so consumed by The New House that I will (continue to) ignore the work of my heart, which is my writing, and ruin my life and future prospects as a mediocre writer.
- we will end up hating the flooring we have chosen (and ordered) and cannot reverse without significant financial burden.
- dander from the sellers’ pets will have seeped into the walls of the new house and I will be Extremely Allergic for all of my days.
- my mother-in-law’s prediction of “there will be mice!” will come to fruition.
- some horrific calamity will befall us because we have been too fortunate in all other areas of our lives.
- there won’t be enough wall space for all the bookcases we want/need.
- we will end up hating our new neighbors.
- the new house will have some hidden deficit that the inspection didn’t find, and it will be costly and burdensome to ameliorate.
- (relatedly) our air conditioner will decide that now is the ideal time to die.
- the primary bedroom, which is most definitely MUCH smaller than our current capacious bedroom, will feel TOO SMALL and I will hate it.
- I will fail to transform into the casual entertainer that the new house kind of demands I become and waste our fabulous outdoor space.
- prospective buyers who come to look at our house will TOUCH my STUFF with their HANDS and other BODY PARTS.
- my failure to be purely excited about a circumstance that is objectively exciting indicates something awful and irredeemable about my personality.
Part of me believes (hopes) that this is a normal response to making a big, life-changing decision. Moving is a big deal, and so I am expending a lot of mental energy thinking about it. I hope, with time, I feel better about all these things.
The last time you made a major decision, did you have similar anxieties? What was the biggest thing you worried about that turned out to be a non-issue? Were any of your concerns realized?
Everything that I’ve read here sounds like Thoughts That We All Have when moving. If your eye wasn’t twitching then we’d have something to worry about. HANG IN THERE MY FRIEND!
You sound on track for moving. Your worries are exactly what we’ve all fretted about prior to a move.
What was the biggest thing you worried about that turned out to be a non-issue? I was convinced that the movers wouldn’t be able to safely move our antiques and the furniture would crumble into bits, BUT it didn’t happen. The guys were professional and understood my concern.
It’s all going to be fine, I tell ‘ya!
*pats seat next to me* come here, you.
Suzanne, a move is such a huge deal, and going into a new house is such a big deal, so of course all these things would be stored up in your brain, only to reemerge at three in the morning. I feel you. I will say for me that a) when our house sold it was like a weight lifted, even though that was in April and now houses in my old area are selling for at LEAST thirty to fifty grand more. Even knowing that if we had held off the sale doesn’t bother me because IT IS DONE. Also, one cannot time these things. If your market is as hot as our market, it will sell. But it will be stressful until that happens, so that’s just a thing to note.
I had a point b, what was it.
Oh yes, the moving itself sucks and I had heard a woman say that you just have to accept that it’s going to suck for a while and then you will be settled and it will be all great. I feel like once you make the actual physical move, you’ll feel so much better.
For what it’s worth, I stopped thinking about the old house as “our house” and that really helped. I started thinking about the new owners who, I just put into my own head, will love the house like I did.
I bet there will be many great new dogs in your new place for Carla to befriend!
Anyway, it is all stressful and I totally totally understand this. I stressed for MONTHS about my neighbour (you know who I’m talking about) and what it would be like to live next door to her and you know what, it’s been fine so far. We had a good talk and I was totally open and honest with her about concerns (in a nice way) and after our conversation I felt lighter.
Also, the mice thing? We had occasional mice in our old house and now we are on two acres and there are mice in the shed, but I am trying to be calm about it since there have not been mice IN the house. And if there are mice, it can be dealt with. It will be okay! I promise. You’ll feel so much better once you’re moved. xoxoxo
Looking forward to reading about all of the good things and fun surprises that await you in your new house/neighborhood/yard/commute
I had an equal concern about our commute when we moved, and it did, in fact, turn out to be a non-issue. Check that one off your list!
Thinking of you and sending you all the calm and peace and I can, though the comment box. <3
It is all going to be fine. Moving SUCKS but all these thoughts are totally normal. And there will be annoyances about the new house that the old house doesn’t have but there will also be joys that the new house has that the old house didn’t. Just think of all the amazing teen hangouts in your future.
truly, everything about moving sucks and we all agree on that. But you did love the house you bought, so hold onto that thought.
I have a thought about encouraging your daughter to donate/give up her beloved baby toy. Buy a medium size cute box and some tissue paper or stickers and have you daughter label it “My Treasure Box” and decorate it. And then have her put her baby toy, or toys, wrapped gently in tissue paper in the box to save forever. That box, as soon as reasonably possible, should be placed in the attic with some ceremony and then moved to the attic of the new house. Things can be added to it as she ages out of them but they still hold a place in her heart. Worked for my kids and growing grands. (I believe decorating the box takes enough time and is enough fun that it eases the transition.)
Moving is a big deal. I remember the last time being so stressful I swore never to do it again and I wondered how my mom dealt with moving every 1-4 years all through my childhood. Ugh. But it will be hard and then it will be over.
Great last sentence – that’s a life lesson/mantra to rinse and repeat! 👊
It is so normal to be freaking out right now! The human mind is amazingly, frustratingly good at fixating on every little thing during times of great stress. Way to make it worse, mind! It’s five years since I moved from MA to FL, and I still shudder to think about moving. And once in a while, I think of something I got rid of that I maybe didn’t need to, but I promise it isn’t the kind of thing that I wake in the night thinking about: it’s just a sort of shrug of, yeah, that decision was made at the low point, it happens. It will pass.
I always feel like, by exhausting all my worries, the reality can’t be as bad as I imagine. Then I’m thankful for anything that goes smoothly but also prepared for the inevitable snafus. I hope they’re small for you! Adjustments to a new place seem to bring both joy and a few disappointments. It seems like you’ve thought through the potential disappointments which will make it easier to move forward from them.
Moving is so stressful! Of course you have all these thoughts in your head! It seems normal to me. I never want to move ever again. Hopefully all this mental stress you’re feeling now will manifest itself in a smooth move and smooth selling of your current house.
I have similar anxieties about EVERYTHING, haha! My mind is a worry spiral. I think if you’ve ever had worse case scenarios happen, it’s hard not to consider them (this may just be justification!) – so, I try to remind myself that I’ve survived my worst days so far and that most decisions feel worse in the moment vs. in the outcome.
Totally normal thoughts, Suzanne. Moving sucks, there is no two ways about it. But remember, this house has the coveted mudroom (it does, doesn’t it? I recall that was on your wish list). I promise you will get through it.
And why on earth would your mother in law predict there will be mice?! Odds are good there will not be mice.
Yup, this sounds about right. Sigh. Moving is intense and just pretty awful.
I actually had a lot of these worrying things happen to me – unforeseen issues, major neighbourhood challenges…but those things can/do happen anywhere and everywhere. I’m trying to make peace with “This is my reality” and realizing that NOTHING is perfect and really that’s the impossible scenario I’m always looking for in life.
Your list of worries all sounds exhausting and 100% normal! I also think you’ll love your new house; there will certainly be hiccups but you’re so thoughtful with decisions that you’ll be happy with the floors AND the move.
You’ve got this, friend <3
Well, your brain is a fun place to be these days. But honestly, I think it’s normal to fret with so many things/changes going on…. as I (and Elisabeth) recently said: trust the process!!
BTW, I know too many examples where a bad thing wasn’t balanced out by a good thing (or vice versa), so that’s a worry you can just throw out the window. There is no such thing as balance in this regard. Take all the goods thing you can get 😉
Thank you for being so open and honest with us. I have anxiety, so I understand being consumed by worry, especially about things beyond my control. Moving is extremely stressful. I am confident that everything will work out. One piece of advice: ignore your mother-in-law. I’ve ignored mine for 15 years and it’s served me well. 🤣
I relate to this extremely. (We close next week and we are leaving the only place our daughter has ever lived in and amazing neighbors and we have thus far packed nothing and scheduled nothing and yet want to move by Labor Day so we can put our apartment on the market without living there? Zero advice but would you like to lose our minds together?
I’m so sorry for the turmoil but it happened to me too. I spent the first night at our new house unable to sleep wondering if I’d just made the worst decision of our lives. We’ve been here 8 years now and love it. It isn’t perfect but NO house is, just like our last house wasn’t perfect either. Houses be houses… just like liquid conforms to the shape of the container it’s in, so do families- it will be okay once the dust settles.
I will say I hattttes how our brains keep offering up negative things in an attempt to prevent them from happening- but it gives me comfort to know it’s the primitive parts of the brain attempt to keep us on our toes and alert for danger. “Make sure you keep an eye out for this! And this! Remember when that happened- we wouldn’t want that to happen again now would we- so let me just play it on loop for ya… also, bear with me, and I know you know it’s a long shot, but wouldn’t THIS be awful? Let me make sure you’re prepared by playing it all out in agonizing detail….” Super fun.
Bet it worked better when it was trying to remind us that rustling grass meant potential danger of a lion and not, like, high school social dynamics we’ll never be faced with again or what have you.
As a fellow anxious warrior who loves to catastrophize every situation, I think you are having all the same worries that I have when moving! (Except I’m just moving apartments… I know moving houses is MUCH different, especially when dealing with selling your old house!) I also get so worried about my cats and whether they will like the new space and what if they hate it and I’m the worst cat mom ever? Oh, and if the move itself will traumatize them since I have to lock them in a closet/room. UGH. Why are our brains like this?
Moving is so stressful! It is hard to not worry since it’s such a significant decision. When we moved into our house, I was just so relieved to put an end to a terribly long house hunting process that I did not worry all that much but my husband certainly did. But there is a lot of change that comes with moving! Different routines and drives and neighbors and such. I hope that it goes better than hoped and you love your new neighborhood!!
Suzanne. My head hurts for you! That is a lot of worries, and I hope that 100% of them are a non-issue.
I’ve wasted so many nights (also 3am) worrying about things that NEVER happened.
Why does your MIL think there will be mice?
Ugh, 3 AM! Definitely the worst! My worst period of insomnia/worries was when I was planning back to back baby showers for my sister and one of my dearest friends. I would lie awake mulling over the flow of the party, decorations, food ideas, etc. They both were smashing successes and I immediately slept so much better after they were over! I hope once you actually are moved in that your brain gives you a much-deserved break. (And whyyyy would someone put the idea of mice into your mind?! Just, not helpful.)
Well, I love all these comments. I echo everyone else- moving is SO STRESSFUL. The last time we moved I vowed I would never move again, and here we are 20 years later in the same house. I think the problem is, you can’t KNOW that none of these things will happen. Most of them are unlikely, but not impossible. So you just have to have faith- most likely, none of this will happen. But if any of these things does happen, you will figure out a way to deal with it. Think of all the difficult things you’ve dealt with in your life already- you are strong and capable! Oh, and the other thing about worrying, is it’s impossible to deal with things BEFORE they happen- so thinking about it leads to more anxiety. Just think “In the unlikely event that this does happen, I know I’ll be able to deal with it at that time.” You can do it! Good luck.
It IS, it IS completely normal, I think anyone who doesn’t have these thoughts might be a sociopath (not really). I took a job at a school that is four times the commute of my other schools and was really worried I was being overly optimistic about the commute and it was FINE.
You and Carla will still be you and Carla in the new house, and your relationship will remain utterly untainted by this move.
I cannot imagine any flooring will be so bad that you will have to expensively change it. It’s the floor – as long as it’s not horrible (if it was you would not have picked it) it is good.
All of what everyone else said. I hope your brain will let you get some sleep soon.
UGH, moving. And selling/buying makes it eleventy thousand times worse. I have the perfect quote for you.
“Oh God, midnight’s not bad, you wake and go back to sleep, one or two’s not bad, you toss but sleep again. Five or six in the morning, there’s hope, for dawn’s just under the horizon. But three, now, Christ, three A.M.! Doctors say the body’s at low tide then. The soul is out. The blood moves slow. You’re the nearest to dead you’ll ever be save dying. Sleep is a patch of death, but three in the morn, full wide-eyed staring, is living death! You dream with your eyes open. God, if you had strength to rouse up, you’d slaughter your half-dreams with buckshot! But no, you lie pinned to a deep well-bottom that’s burned dry. The moon rolls by to look at you down there, with its idiot face. It’s a long way back to sunset, a far way on to dawn, so you summon all the fool things of your life, the stupid lovely things done with people known so very well who are now so very dead – And wasn’t it true, had he read somewhere, more people in hospitals die at 3 A.M. than at any other time…” Ray Bradbury, ‘Something Wicked This Way Comes’
moving suuuuuuuucks. this all sounds reasonable to me– not because these bad things will happen (PEOPLE WILL TOUCH YOUR STUFF THO), but because these are normal stressful thoughts to be having. luckily **most** of the problems on your list would be solved by throwing money at them if they actually happened– so that’s good, right??
So, so valid. Can relate to all feelings listed. Also love the comment section of this post, especially an excerpt from Ray Bradbury. Thanks J 🙂
So the last time I moved (to this apartment), I hadn’t seen the unit before getting here on moving day. I had someone look at it for me.
So trust me, I get it. Hang in there, we are all pulling for you!