You know something I just take for granted? That people understand how to behave at an ATM. Like, you keep as large a distance as humanly possible between yourself and the person who is currently withdrawing money, right? That’s the unofficial but universally acknowledged acceptable behavior while waiting your turn at an ATM.
I went to the bank this morning, and the drive-up ATM was out of order, so I had to go to the ATM that’s on the outside of the bank. The best and most logical place to stand is to the side of the ATM, which allows the person at the ATM to keep the person waiting in their peripheral vision. Plus, if you were to stand directly behind the person at the ATM, you would be in the street, which seems unsafe.
Today, a dude stood RIGHT BEHIND me, and he was not in the street, which means that he was maybe three feet away. I felt Very Uncomfortable, and tried to convey this by looking fearfully over my shoulder at him several times. He was not deterred. I thought about asking him to give me some space but didn’t because maybe that would just speed up the mugging. My thoughts did not deter him either. I did all my business while he was standing there, practically breathing down my neck. To be fair, he neither mugged nor murdered me, so perhaps my anxiety was unwarranted. But still. A person doesn’t know she won’t be mugged until she ISN’T, and standing right behind a person while she withdraws money doesn’t give strong I’m Not A Mugger vibes.
Another thing I take for granted? Free shipping. Amazon has really made free shipping something I expect, to the point that I will actively Not Buy something if there is an associated shipping cost. I mean, not always, but usually.
Along with free shipping, Amazon has made it so easy to return things, that I am beginning to take the whole process for granted.
Do you remember a few years ago when you’d have to print out a shipping label AND some sort of packing slip, and you’d have to pack your returns up neatly and take them to the post office? Now, in most cases, you don’t even need a box! All you have to do is take the item itself to one of Amazon’s designated return locations and hand it to someone and off you go. Easy peasy.
So when I returned some shoes recently, I didn’t really examine the fine print. Sure, they were a Zappos order, but Zappos is owned by Amazon, so… same thing, right? Apparently not.
I guess I should have paid more attention to these very clear instructions before I trotted off to the UPS Store with my untaped box.
I took my shoes in their boxes, in their packing boxes, to the UPS Store. This is a UPS Store that I go to multiple times a year, by the way. The person who is typically staffing the desk never recognizes me. Never. “Have you ever shipped with us before?” he asks, every single time. There is a weird quirk with my parents’ address where it does not show up in the UPS system, even though UPS definitely ships things to my parents, and so every time I ship things to them, I have to tell him, “Your system says this address doesn’t exist, but it does” and yet even with this disclaimer he is baffled and concerned every time.
Listen, I realize that this lovely person, who is if not friendly then at least not actively unfriendly and who always helps me complete the transactions I am there to transact, sees dozens of people each day. I am but one cardboard droplet in a sea of boxes, so I don’t really expect him to KNOW me or anything. I am not that memorable, that’s fine. But I guess I am a little surprised he doesn’t remember the “this address doesn’t exist” thing. Especially because we go through the whole rigamarole two or three times a year where I say, in advance, that their address isn’t in the system, but they still get packages I send them, and he looks at the system and says in obvious surprise, “My computer says there is no address here” and I tell him how my parents live in the middle of nowhere but they DO get UPS shipments and know their UPS delivery person very well, and he opens his eyes very wide and says, “I guess you’d have to get to know each other really well in the middle of nowhere!” and I agree and he says, in a tone of deep skepticism, “Well, if you’re sure it will get there, I’ll override the system” and I say that’s perfectly fine, I’m sure they will get the package, and then he mispronounces my parents’ street. It is a well-honed routine that I now know by heart. But I guess he probably sees a lot of things that are much more noteworthy. Anyway, the whole thing amuses me.
This most recent visit, I put down my two boxes of return shoes and held out my return code for him to scan. He said, “You have to tape the boxes shut.” I looked at him.
“Do you have some tape on you?” he said, which I thought was a very amusing question. No, I did not have tape on me.
“Well, I can do it for you, but it will cost a dollar.”
While I thought about this new development, he added, “If you pay cash. And it’s two dollars if you pay with credit card.”
I looked at him. While it is more likely for me to have cash on me than packing tape, I did not have any cash at that time.
“I guess I will have to pay for it with credit card,” I told him. And honestly, good for the UPS Store for pushing back on these return policies and saying that they deserve to be paid for the time it takes their employees to deal with returns. Irritating to me, because now I have to pay for it, but I am a quick learner and will not make the same mistake next time.
He looked at me, incredulous that I would pay two dollars (or maybe it was two dollars per box? I’m not sure) instead of paying with cash or just whipping out a roll of pocket tape and taping the boxes my own damn self.
“I guess you could buy a roll of packing tape for $3.99,” he suggested.
Okay, yes, that’s a better use of my money. Let’s do that.
I pulled a roll of UPS brand packing tape off the shelf and handed it to him. He unwrapped it for me. “Let me start this for you,” he said. “It can be a little tricky.”
I mean, it’s tape, not assembling a supercomputer. But thank you for your service, my dude.
“You want to make sure that the tape always stays behind these little notches,” he instructed earnestly, because perhaps I did not know how packing tape works. He’s never seen me before, after all; all he knows about me is that I’m too dumb to tape my boxes before dropping them off and too unprepared to keep a roll of tape carabiniered to my waistband.
He very carefully, very painstakingly fitted the tape behind the two worthless little notches.
He had more to say. “You want to make sure that the tape stays behind the notches because otherwise you won’t be able to find the end again.”
Yes, I am well aware of tape’s proclivity for sadism.
He handed me the packing tape. Okay, I guess I am really going to tape up these boxes while he supervises. Fine. I don’t want to violate any UPS labor laws.
The tape, of course, declined to stick to the edge of the box. The UPS staffer had to hold it down for me. And then the box flaps refused to meet in the middle so I could tape them closed. He helped me with that, too.
“Wait,” he said, as I was about to stretch the tape across the now closed opening between the flaps. “Let me put the new label on over the old one.” So I held my new roll of packing tape awkwardly aloft while he fitted the label on underneath. The label caught on the tape, pulling it out from behind the useless notches. It took our combined effort to extricate the label from the tape.
Also useless were the teeth, which did not tear the tape neatly from the roll. Instead, the tape stretched screechingly and folded and stuck to itself. I managed, with not a small amount of effort, to unstick it from itself without unsticking it from the box and managed to get the tape to tear from the roll. One box down.
Someone had come into the store while I was taping. She was waiting patiently quietly, several feet behind me, with her arms full of boxes. I sure hope she’d taped them at home.
I went to tape the second box, but, saran-wrap style, the tape had affixed itself to itself. I turned the seemingly seamless roll around and around, searching for the end. When I finally found it I picked at it with a fingernail. A tiny sliver peeled up. I picked at the tape next to the sliver. Another tiny sliver peeled up and then detached onto my finger. While it wasn’t wild about attaching itself to a cardboard box, it sure had no issues adhering to my skin.
A second person came into the UPS Store.
The UPS staffer continued to supervise. Probably biting his tongue to keep from telling me how I was doing it wrong.
Another sliver peeled up.
“Wow, this is really messed up,” I said.
“That’s why I told you to make sure it stays behind the notches,” he offered.
A third person came in.
At the post office, which I know the UPS Store is not, the staff has you move to the side if you are doing something – putting a stamp on your letter, filling out a label, taping a box with tape they provide you at no charge – and then they help the next person until you are ready to resume your transaction. WHY WAS THIS GUY NOT DOING THAT.
I took some deep breaths. Why wasn’t the UPS staff person suggesting that this roll was defective? Surely he didn’t expect me to PAY for this piece of junk? The large piece of tape I’d finally managed to detach from the roll tore in half and spitefully affixed itself to my forearm.
A fourth person came in. The first person shifted her stack of boxes to her other hip. The second or third person coughed.
A frustrating and ridiculous task is always so much less stressful to perform when you have an audience of people who just want to drop off their boxes and get to work. Wait, did I say less stressful? I meant infinitely MORE STRESSFUL.
“This tape is really terrible,” I said to the staff person, my voice high-pitched with suppressed panic. He did not comment.
By the time I finally got the entire breadth of tape to lift away from the roll as one sheet, the end of the tape was a veritable fringe and my hands were riddled with tape scraps.
I taped the second box. The UPS person stuck a label on it. I paid for the motherfucking roll of jerkass tape, which I refrained from throwing at the wall, peeled all the tape from my hand, picked tapelets out from under my fingernails, and crumpled the scraps into a ball (which I of course then carried with me and disposed of properly), and fled, avoiding the eyes of all the people who had come in to witness my humiliation.
I ordered and received another shipment of shoes; none of those fit, either. So I have to send them back.
But I sure as hell taped that box shut in the low-pressure quiet of my own home.
Hee hee! I’m laughing so hard at this because I can totally imagine every single step of it happening to me. i had the same issue my son’s freshman year, where for some reason his address didn’t come up as a “real” address and I would have to assure the person that it was an actual address and he would receive the package (although it wasn’t the same person every single time.) And, packing tape- it’s absolutely impossible. Last time my husband used the packing tape I told him “If you lose the end, I’m throwing this away.” The thought of trying to do it while several people are waiting behind me in line is HORRIBLE!!! Although, I can assure you that if any of those people waiting had experience with packing tape, they only had sympathy for you.
OMG nightmare. WHY so friendly-but-cruel, UPS guy?! I am breathing deeply on your behalf.
(Such a well-told story, though!)
Sadly, I am chuckling entirely at your expense.
I hate that stupid packing tape. The dispenser is awkward and dumb, and it absolutely does NOT work in any way like it is “designed” to. Ever.
“No, I did not have tape on me.” That line made me laugh out loud. You may have said it to yourself but who wouldn’t be thinking that?
I don’t like packing tape at all. Your summation of how useless it is rings true with me. The person who designed that plastic doodad thingie was one evil dude.
OMG Suzanne! I was laughing hysterically throughout this post, but in a very sympathetic way. That is totally something that would have happened to me. I am absolutely shit at taping things. And also, what the what. Why wouldn’t the guy just let you step to one side, talk about tape performance anxiety.
AND ALSO HOW DOES HE NOT REMEMBER YOU. I get it, he sees many people, but HOW.
Anyway, I’m sorry you went through this but also, I am dead from sympathetic laughter over here.
Oh Suzanne, I chortled all the way through this! Not laughing at your expense, of course, but because I could feel every ounce of frustration and stress and you just told this story so well.
It is truly strange that the guy doesn’t remember you. I recently had two incidents where people unexpectedly remembered me, and now I would expect everyone to be the same (lol). One was a lady at my doctor’s office; I’d talked to her 3 or so months earlier about an insurance issue. She remembered me months later because I’d told her that I read lips (she was wearing a mask, and kindly slipped it down for me). The other was a barista at a new coffee shop in town – when I stopped by the second time, she was working in back and yelled out “Hi Wendy!” when I was at the counter. Shocked the heck out of me!
I was so stressed out reading this! Why was he like that. So unhelpful.
OF COURSE IT WAS A GUY. Why do men have no sense of personal space? 🤣
Packing tape is why I only sent Anna one care package in college. It’s also why Jeff Bezos is so rich.
Great post and I’ve been there with personal space (although not at an ATM) and that damn tape!
Oh boy, performative taping would make me nervous as would the fact he wouldn’t help others while you worked on taping your packages! But ouch. What a frustrating experience!!
I’m so sorry but I laughed and laughed. Considering my own experiences, I feel as though UPS must have a very specific employee profile they are looking for in hiring. I would like you applaud your full, uncensored use of the word “motherfucking”, no asterisks need apply, for that is what this situation warranted. I’m still chuckling.
What? You don’t have tape carabiniered to your waistband? Girl, you gotta step up your game. LOL
While I know and relate to this painful experience, I appreciate how you relayed it with so much humor! 🙂 They really could have some courtesy tape on hand… and if it’s official UPS tape, it should also be of better quality. $3.99 for this nightmare. Oof.
SO SO SO SO FUNNY. I really hate business-y errands like this SO MUCH and usually just keep stuff even if I don’t like it or give it to friends instead. Returns are awful.
Those dumb packing tape things NEVER work.
Also, I legit didn’t know you could just take your returns to a physical location that was not the post office. Living in an actual urban area must be so exciting and filled with all these amenities. I’m still living over here like it’s 2008, printing shipping labels and schlepping to the post office!
I’ve gotten bitten a few times by places that used to have free returns. I heard that Amazon is going to start making their return process harder as well. Sigh, it was nice while it lasted.
Those tape dispensers are a joke.
I loved this so much. That stupid tape.
There are a couple customer-service people in my life who, it seems to me, just MUST be playing mind games; because for example I will tell them about a situation and they will say they have NEVER heard of that—and I KNOW they HAVE heard of it, because I PERSONALLY told THEM PERSONALLY this exact same thing not four months ago, and also eight months before that, and also four months before THAT, because for example this is something I do every Christmas and My Mother’s Birthday or whatever. It’s not as if I expect them to remember me and ask about my five children and how are the cats, but I DO expect them to have HEARD OF unusual situations COMPLETELY RELATED TO THEIR EXPERTISE, which I KNOW I HAVE TOLD THEM ABOUT AND WE HAVE DISCUSSED AT CONSIDERABLE LENGTH.
Ha ha ha ha, this story about the packing really made me laugh so hard I cried. I can totally imagine this scenario. I too have felt taping pressure at the post office but never to this extent.
This cracked me up, as I sat and sweated with anxiety while reading about the line building! I would have been so nervous! I am not a crier, but I sometimes cry when I am mad, and I may have also been crying if I were you in this situation! I once cried at the post office when I had lost my wallet and I tried to get a passport and she would not accept my form of government ID (I used to work for the government so I had a high security clearance ID, but no drivers license because that had been stolen). I was like, “it says right here that I can use a GOVERNMENT ID” and she was not impressed, nor would she budge, nor was she sympathetic at all, and there was a line behind me and I had waited forever just for her to tell me no, and I just burst out crying. So frustrating and embarrassing!
Oh, I just had a UPS store snaffu too! I had two separate Amazon returns, and I THOUGHT I had selected the option for both for the no box/ easy return at the UPS store. So I went in and the lady informed me that apparently now I have to stick the items in these little plastic bags they provide. So I did that, she took the first one and printed the label and off it went. Then for the second item, she said, Oh, this one is actually a “customer pack” item. So you needed to put this one in a box or envelope.” I was like, Oh. Um.. Well, do you have a packing envelope I can use? And she said yes, but it would cost $3.99. Of course, makes sense they aren’t going to give me a free envelope, but I was still annoyed with myself for not double checking it at home. I considered just taking it home, packing it in some box I already had at home and coming back another time, but I despise “errands” and I was already here now…. so I ultimately decided my time was worth more than my money, I bought the envelope and off it went. Still irks me though, because like you, I have gotten so used to the free shipping thing!! When online shopping I am WAY more likely to buy something if I can return it for free too (or if I have a local option/store for returning to).
That was an epic tape saga! That lovely UPS Store Clerk – I wonder how many variations of this drama he must witness every day?
I have a co-worker who always folds over the end of a piece of tape on a roll, and she calls this little fold over the “Tomorrow”. “As in,” she often explains to me, “You’re going to want to pull it up tomorrow.”
I always fold the little end over on my tape, but I did not know that there was a name for it… I will now start calling it “tomorrow” too!
Oh Suzanne! I’m not giggling, no…I’m really not; those are sounds of sympathy.
Now I am going to be very nervous about returning anything via the UPS Store.
Packing tape has to be an invention of the devil.
Very relatable.
What a well written story! The packing part made me laugh so hard. Silver lining- it might have been painful but you got a wonderful story out of it.
With respect to the close-stander and the ATM: just keep an eye out for any fraud on your account. I had someone use a reader to replicate my card, and then I guess they watched me put my pin in, because they subsequently stole about 5k from my checking and savings accounts via ATM withdrawals with the replicated card. I got it all back from the bank but because it was it was cash withdrawals and I still physically had my card, they went through a longish (maybe 2 months?) fraud investigation first.
In case it wasn’t clear, the reader was some kind of remote scanner – they just had to be near me
I swear I had this exact nightmare after eating a bad scallop once. What in the freshly-fried fuck? Honestly, I probably would have taken my boxes home to tape, because I KNOW that tape never works. I have some sympathy for the worker too, because while I was at the drug store waiting for my flu shot an older man came over from the post office and basically strong-armed a pharmacy tech into taping a box shut for him, and it was SO out of line. But honestly, why would he not have just grabbed it and finished it when it was obvious it wasn’t working?
And it IS weird that he never remembers you, or the weird address. Maybe he has some kind of retrograde amnesia where he remembers the motions of UPS-store-working but none of the interactions.
I FEEL YOUR PAIN! I have cursed more at a roll of &^%$#@* tape than anything/anyone else. WHY?
The nerve of the ATM guy….I’m getting bad vibes from that guy on so many levels.
It’s posts like these that make me long for a book of hilarious essays from your life, Suzanne. You are such a funny writer and you really made me feel like I was there in the UPS store with you and feeling very anxious as the line behind me grows.
I giggled the whole way through, but gaffawed most loudly at “…and too unprepared to keep a roll of tape carabiniered to my waistband.” I have a Canada Post version of that exact same role of UPS tape and I have hissed quite a few swear words at it in the past. Amazon Canada hasn’t embraced this new ease of returns yet; when they do, I shall know now to check the instructions carefully. So I thank you for your service.
ARGH. That exact same ROLL. Grrr typos.
What a frikkin nightmare! Thank you for the cautionary tale, because now I will be VERY careful when I return anything at all to read the instructions before I leave my house. We may think we know what we’re doing, but clearly we don’t, and I have fallen victim to the evil that is those damn tape dispensers one time too many already, I sure don’t want to deal with it in public.
I’m glad that the creep behind you in line at the ATM was merely clueless (or just being creepy, getting a thrill out of making you uncomfortable), and not dangerous. I HATE THAT!
I am sweating – SWEATING – at the UPS story. OMG. Worst. Nightmare. Also? I freak out when people get too close to me on the Target escalator. Like, back off lady. I’m not going to plummet to my death by running down this thing so you can get off faster. Take the stairs. Sheesh. (In other words, he would have gotten the Death Stare, and me stepping aside to ask if he’d like to go first. Then he would have mugged and killed me, most likely… hm. Your way = probably better…)
There was just something to the tone and style of this post that cracked me up… repeatedly. Like right outta the gate with the atm paragraphs… cracked me up!
you are a fucking weirdo