I am feeling stricken with social anxiety, Internet. STRICKEN.
Here’s the thing: At the beginning of the school year, a group of parents from Carla’s school decided to get together semi-regularly. Varying numbers of these parents have met several times already and I have been unable to attend a single event. I have been sad, but also relieved because OMG dealing with people. But I have also been getting more and more anxious because I realize that the more this group meets, the more cohesive it becomes, and the harder it will be to join. I already feel like I am on the fringe of any group, and my inability to attend any of the events so far has already pushed me further to the edges of this group. Does that make sense?
Now, finally, the group is getting together on a night when my husband can watch Carla! So I took a deep breath and responded that I could go. And now: stricken.
I am Not Good in groups. I mean, I am barely okay in one-on-one situations, but in groups I just flail. I have never mastered a non-awkward way to squeeze into an already-going conversation. I feel like my small talk game is poor. I am not adept at discussing current events. I am not an interesting storyteller. Not that I even have anything interesting to say. I become overly aware of how I talk and my tongue fumbles all over itself. If more than one person looks at me expectantly, my face will burst into flames. You know how it is. (Maybe you do not, in which case can we exchange personalities for a night please?)
HOW do I do this? My 100% serious plan is to make a (mental) list of topics I can turn to in a pinch, but… what are those topics? I feel like I am pretty good at asking people about themselves, and since I don’t know a lot of these moms very well I can ask them who their kids are and what activities they’re doing and how their holidays were and whether they have anything exciting planned for our upcoming four-day weekend seriously we JUST had two weeks off and what their kids think of their teachers and what books they’ve read and whether they saw any good movies over the break… but I don’t necessarily know how to move from “bombarding a person with questions” to “real conversation.” I have a hard enough time carrying on a conversation with my hairdresser, and she’s just one person, and I am fairly comfortable with her. I have a hard time responding to the emails without feeling like I am dumb and everyone thinks I’m dumb. Going out to dinner with multiple people is like… more than that. Ugh ugh ugh.
And if it’s a sit-down restaurant, where do I sit? And what do I wear? And and and…?
There are a couple of parents I do know fairly well who are in the group, and I could probably try to hang near them. But I don’t want to be a GLOMMER-ONNER, you know? Plus, it would be nice to get to know new people.
I don’t even know what I am asking you. I am just nervous. And determined to go anyway, because it is good to be social and it is good to meet new people and presumably most of us will know each other and each other’s kids for the next eight years at least and it is good to push outside one’s comfort zone now and again… but I’m also really nervous.
I feel this. I don’t thrive in these types of social situations and in fact, stress out and have anxiety in the days leading up to the event. Because this diminishes my sense of well-being, I just don’t sign up for social activities (where I don’t know anyone). While part of me thinks that I should want to make more friends and have more social interaction, I have found that when I do attend social functions, I don’t really get anything out of it. No bonding, no new friends, just surface-level small talk. So, I have just accepted that it’s not worth the anxiety and have avoided these events all together. I still get opportunities to interact with parents when there are events that I’m forced to attend, such as kid birthday parties, play dates, school events, camp events, etc. Maybe just don’t go to the parent group thing?
I had a moment where I was like, “Yes! Just don’t go!” and I really appreciate the freedom in that. But I really do think it is a group I need to make an effort with. We are all parents with kids at the same small private school, and I feel like we are mostly going to be in one another’s orbits for the rest of the time the kids are there, so it’s worth trying to be friendly. (I don’t find that I get to know anyone at kid-centric events, mainly because I tend to hang at the periphery or avoid those events as well. I am hopeless.)
Hi Suzanne, often when I’m in groups I end up talking just to one person. So sit down next to someone you’d feel more comfortable with, and maybe plan to just listen for a while. Then when the group starts talking more in pairs, you can chat with the person next to you. This is just one scenario, of course, but the idea is to relax. You could also arrive early and find a good seat / a conversation partner for one-on-one chats that way. But if you’ll be in a group where everyone talks with everyone, and you’re not comfortable chatting right away, just take your time. I think it’s a good thing to do in many instances. Hugs, and remember you’ve done it before, so there’s nothing to fear. Many people think they’ve come off awkward in group conversation, and many are awkward at times, including myself. Just go with it! Best of luck!
I’m very much an extrovert, but I think the best thing to keep in mind is that the social burden of carrying on a conversation doesn’t have to be on you! It’s totally fine to sit there silently and observe – no one will judge you for that – and almost always the extroverts in the group will keep an eye out for anyone who is not engaged or new to the group and strike up a conversation. You can literally leave it at an introduction and see where it goes (although you can always ask a nice open-ended question like “how is (fill in the blank child)‘a hear going”? And you’ll probably only end up taking to a person or two. Hairdressers are actually way more challenging, even when you know them, because if you don’t naturally have something to talk about and relate to, it’s forced conversation for an hour.
You both have such supportive good advice and I feel like such a Debbie Downer! LOL The last time I went to a similar event, I ended up between two pairs who talked to each other and I just sat there awkwardly, trying to pretend I was engaged in either conversation. It’s hard at a table, when people almost have to turn away from you to engage with the person next to them.
You can always move to a different seat in that situation, with a friendly “I’m going to go introduce myself to the other side of the table / say hi to X person” and then go sit somewhere else! And potentially never come back!
I am going to wear an earpiece so you can feed me easy breezy lines like this. 😉 This sounds so perfect!
The thing that helps me when I’m feeling awkward on social situations is to remember that no one is paying as much attention to you as you think. Other people tend to be thinking about themselves more than what you said or didn’t say. Maybe a bit of a harsh “people are self-absorbed” sentiment but it has really helped me.
As for carrying on a conversation, just listen and try to get the other person talking about themself and/or their kid. Then you can hopefully keep them doing most of the talking.
Good luck! I’ve been there about being super anxious about a social situation. Definitely sat in the car and cried about not wanting to go in to a ladies brunch once when I was pregnant.
Awwww, I have so much tenderness toward your pregnant self! That is so hard. Did you end up going anyway? I think you are right that most people are thinking about themselves, and I will try to remember that.
I did and had a great time! Would probably have not had my husband not been I’m the ca
*car to encourage me.
Fat fingers hit post too soon on the last reply
That is very comforting to hear 🙂
Ha ha you’re with friends here, and if I may say, we’re the kind of friends that you never have to make small talk with. No surprise, I can relate to everything that you wrote. I wouldn’t bother brushing up on current events because (1) it’s depressing and (2) when is the last time that you had a great conversation with someone that you casually know about events of the day? It’s just not something that happens IRL. If you do run into someone who’s chock full of info on X topic, they can get you up to speed on it and BOOM conversation just happened.
What do you want out of this? You already said it, to meet new people. That’s most likely what they want as well. Just hang out and have fun.
Yes, you are my people. 😊
The first three comments here were full of great advice. I have felt all these feelings, but I will say that at the age of 56, I feel like I’ve outgrown it a bit. Sometimes in a group
I’ll still feel super awkward, sometimes I’ll be aware of how
well I’m pretending to fit in, and sometimes I actually feel relaxed and that I’m fitting in for real. I think this type of thing comes naturally to some people, and then there are those of us who struggle. It’s good you’re forcing yourself to do this- hopefully it’ll be more fun than you’re imagining, and it’s really helpful to have a relationship with other parents at the school. Even if you’re just in a text group where you can ask things like “does anyone know when the field trip money is due?” it’s a great thing. Anyway, GOOD LUCK. We’ll all want to hear how it goes!
Thanks, Jenny! I am glad to hear that maybe in a couple of years I will have more instances of feeling comfortable and like I’m fitting in.
Oh I get this. I don’t enjoy most social gatherings regardless of the reason I’m there. YET up until Covid restrictions I had to be social, for many reasons. My approach was/is pretty much what you said: make a list of topics to bring up, have one good story from your daily life to share, then ask people questions about their lives. If you’re a good listener, people will never shut up about themselves and you’re off the hook to say anything. Good luck
Thanks, Ally! It’s so nice to know that other people enjoy social gatherings as little as I do.
I, too, live in this stricken space. I’ve found, though, if I overly prepare conversation prompts, I become an awkward robot hurling sentences at people (which almost seems worse than an uncomfortable silence? Maybe?). In groups at a restaurant, I try to sit on a corner and be a really good listener. In stand up, chatty mingling things (the horror!), I look for my fellow awkward people or a kind face and say “I’m awful at this” and survive from there. Lots of good thoughts coming your way – sometimes, the only way to get it done is to do it, sigh.
Hahahah – “the horror.” EXACTLY. I like this attitude of just gritting your teeth and getting through it. And I will do my best not to be an awkward robot.
I think your plan of having conversation starters in mind is a good one. People ALWAYS want to talk about themselves, and hopefully you will sit next to a chatty Cathy who will expound on all your questions and then some. Asking about kids and activities and holidays is always a good bet to get people talking.
Also, the women who you do know would never think you’re a “glommer onner!” They will be just happy you were able to come.
Good luck with it!!
Yes, I love a Chatty Cathy! They are a gift!
I think having some questions in mind to ask other people is great! People love to talk about themselves. And I would not worry about being considered a glommer. I bet others have similar worries. I hope you end up having fun! I think dinners are easier than parties where people are mingling in groups because then you don’t have to try to wedge yourself into a group that is talking. That is the kind of party I struggle with the most when I don’t know people well! But a dinner is easier as you can just focus on the people next to you. I hope you end up having fun! The more often you see these people, the easier it will become! Just remember you are a delightful person with many interests! They will love you!
You are so sweet – thank you!
Oh me too, less than before but yes! But like you I push through, and I always feel better afterward, because at the very least, I’ve been brave. Things that have helped are being curious about the other people, (everyone has something to teach me, i just have to discover it) feeling my feet on the ground and sort of tuning into myself and allowing myself to observe – maybe I’ll l get inspiration for a story? I find that shift helpful too. I read a definition of grace once: accept that you are accepted. I like that. ^_^
That is a FABULOUS definition of grace, Debbie! Thank you!
I hear you and I’ve been there. What if your only goal for this event is showing up? You don’t have to speak to the whole group, you don’t have to be a sparkling conversationalist. You just have to show up and get the lay of the land. You don’t have to impress them – you are going to see if this is a good group for you.
Would it help to ask a regular member to coffee in advance? You’ve mentioned friendship as a goal (and I am right there with you), and spending some one-on-one time with a person you like might help when you get to the group.
This is such a great idea: my goal is showing up. I can do that!
We definitely do conversation starters at events. The best conversation starters? Food and books. Depending on the event, ask what their favorite Christmas/Thanksgiving/Juneteenth food is or what the best wedding cake they ever ate was or what was the last meal they had in a restaurant that was transcendent. If they’re not food people, ask about what book they recommend a lot or what the last good book they read was. Most people will love to answer at least one of these questions.
Or, if all else fails, just sit back quietly and see if they are your people!
Well, I can talk about food and books all day every day! 🙂
Oh Suzanne, you know I understand this all too well! Best case scenario it’s a dinner so you only have to focus on the people next to you. I agree with the others about asking about them and try to remember they are more concerned about how you and others are perceiving them (easier said than done, I know).
You are smart to recognize that you need to get to know these ladies. I remember we had a similar dinner when my son was in middle school. I never really clicked with these ladies – mainly, I think because they had all been around each other since their kids were in kindergarten. We enrolled our son in this school during middle school – so while he adapted and fit in fine; I did not.
Yes, that sounds like such a similar situation! It’s almost like being back in high school in some ways, because I know we’ll all be moving “up” together every year, so there’s a lot of benefit in being friendly and knowing one another.
Oh man. I can imagine how hard this feels. I think you will be surprised at how well your questions develop into conversation. It does stink that they have met before and that you feel like an outsider, but my guess is that some of them will be happy to chat with someone new. Good luck.
I hope so! Thanks, Ernie!
Ugh, I feel you so much. I miss the days when I was a teenager with a close group of friends and hanging out with other people felt easy. Now every get together with “strangers” is work and anxiety-inducing beforehand. I am not someone who just walks in and chats people up, so my greatest fear always is standing around awkwardly by myself. Definitely hang on to someone that you know for this first time (and dinner should be easier, just sit next to someone you know)… you get a chance to check out the other people in the group as an observer and hopefully over time, when people see you around more, interactions will become easier and you’ll find more things to talk about. Good luck (and keep us posted!).
I agree that the biggest fear is hanging around by myself. Ugh. I hope you are right that things get easier with time. 🙂
I totally understand! Group dynamics are hard. I realized during the pandemic that I am just not very good in groups. I am really social but I mostly enjoy one-on-one conversation. I think lots of people feel more awkward in groups than they let on. All the advice above is really good too. Having anxiety about things is just hard, I hope it goes better than you expect and don’t worry too much in the meantime.
I am honestly surprised to learn that so many people seem to dislike groups, too. Although maybe I have built my own perfect little echo chamber here, so who knows if this is reflective of humanity as a whole LOL. But it’s very heartening to know that I’m not the only one!
SISTER. I have felt this SO many times, and particularly with fellow school parents, although a few of them ended up being lifelong friends.
I don’t know if I can offer anything helpful. I’ve been awkward my whole life, and have been lucky enough in the past years to find a couple of groups where my awkwardness is accepted, even cherished.
I agree it’s probably good for you to go. Maybe go in with low expectations, look for a friendly face or two, if it keeps being awkward just breathe deeply and know that there will be a time after this (my mantra on bad school field trips), and it’s not because of your value as a human. You are wonderful and smart and funny and kind, and if you don’t fit in, they are… not terrible people, just not the right kind.
This is me! I avoid groups as much as possible. One-on-one with almost anyone = wonderful. Add a few extra people to the mix = terror. I feel awkward and overwhelmed and never know what to do (and there are always people who seem SO confident and that just makes it all the more overwhelming).
I do find I tend to sidle up to someone I know and try to carve out one-on-one time with individual people and avoid big group conversations. But I feel this.
That said, I’ve heard lots of people comment on how personable and outgoing I am which…how?! What?! But maybe most people feel the same way in a group? Regardless of what people perceive about me, I come home absolutely exhausted from group events.
Yes, they are SO exhausting! Being social is hard work.
Well, this was SO sweet, thank you. And low expectations sounds very smart.
Asking ppl about themselves ALWAYS works. Also! People have NO IDEA that you’re nervous. Instead, they think your reticence means you don’t like them– then they act cold, then you assume they’re cold because they don’t like you do you pull back, so they pull back, etc etc etc. You’re gonna be great– just talk about books 😉
Ahhhhh!!! I will try to channel my shyness into warmth – thank you for this insight Sarah!
My go-to’s for small talk: Have you ever ridden an elephant/camel? Way more people have than you would expect, and they have interesting stories to tell about it. Alternatively: Have you ever served on a jury? Again, excellent stories emerge.
I remember when my oldest daughter was in pre-school, the parents would have happy hours and I was always super reluctant to go so I never went to many, but I was always glad afterwards that I went. Do you think this is something that future you will be glad you did, but present you is resisting?
I am also awful at initiating conversations – I went to volunteer at a school event in December and at least three other parents came up and introduced themselves to me and I was so taken aback. Like something in my brain didn’t quite understand that it’s okay to say hi to someone unknown first until I was on the receiving end of it.
I think I like being social in theory – especially since all the research points towards connection being an important part of well-being – but in practice it’s quite difficult for me. I think you have some great strategies for social survival thought out.
“What’s keeping you busy?” and “How did you end up here?” are two of my favorite conversation starters. By starters, I mean it usually gets people talking and I don’t have to talk too much myself. I am definitely a question bombardier so that I can avoid talking about myself.
Yes, exactly: I like being social in theory. Well said!
For me the hardest part is just jumping in and introducing myself. If I can get up the nerve to do that with a few people, conversation follows pretty naturally after that. You can do this. Especially if there are already people you know – you’re ahead of the game!
I will tell you, when my son graduated from his 9-year small, private school, all the moms had one final dinner together, and there were still some moms I had never met! Because they had daughters and I had a son, or our boys just weren’t in any activities together. I ended up sitting with a few of these women I’d never met before and we just laughed about that fact – some of them had never been to any of our social events, and it was FINE! So the fact that this is your first one when some of them have been getting together already won’t matter AT ALL.
We do want to hear how it goes, please report back!
That anecdote about the non-attending moms is very heartening! Thank you!
I relate to this with all of my being. I have no advice to give. I just want you to report back. 😂
Thank you so much. 🙂
Even though I’m not an introvert, I too get nervous about being with people I don’t know. I mean, what if my weird jokes just sound weird? Oh, they are! HA.
Well, I hope you went and I hope it was better than you expected!!
Ohhh Suzanne, I relate to this SO WELL. Social anxiety is the worst and it can make you feel like such a weirdo. It’s just talking to people! Why is it so hard? But it is! I think conversation starters are a GREAT idea. It’s always good to have those in your back pocket because I know my mind goes completely blank when I’m talking to someone new! I hope you report back on how things went. <3