Last week, my state’s Mask In Public order expired. When I went to the grocery store the next day, instead of seeing a creeping-upward number of people without masks, I was the only person wearing a mask. The only one. I told the checker and the bag person that it was so nice to see their faces after so long – and it was – but it was also startling (I kept that last part to myself). 

Those who wear masks in public places are now far and away the minority. (Grumble grumble in the direction of stores who have completely useless signs that say wishy-washy things like, “We recommend that you should probably wear a mask if you aren’t vaccinated, but there is of course no way we can check or enforce anything tee hee” rather than saying “WEAR A MASK UNTIL YOU ARE FULLY VACCINATED.”) My husband and I have been wearing them still – he wears them at work, obviously, because health care is one of the remaining holdouts in mask-wearing, and in public we are both just still feeling skittish and leery of going mask-free. But I am trying really hard to gear myself up to not wear one. After all, I am vaccinated; I should be protected from Covid-19, even if I am hanging out in a group of maskless people who all have Covid-19. (Shudder.) I am not begrudging ANYONE at all their personal comfort level; wear a mask for the rest of your days if that’s what floats your boat; I completely understand and will not judge. But I do feel like maybe, for me, it is time to start dipping my toe into the maskless water. 

So I went to Target this morning with the idea that I would NOT wear a mask. Just to try it out. I was going very early and there would be only a handful of people there anyway. And I could wear a mask around my wrist, for comfort. But then I wore my mask inside anyway. I understand that this is akin to – we are apparently still going with the water metaphors – wearing a life vest long after I’ve exited the boat. But it still feels like I could topple into the ocean at any minute, I guess. I need to get my mask-free legs under me.

And also my Social Interaction legs.

My sister-in-law and niece came for a visit this past weekend. It was lovely – LOVELY! – to see them. They stayed in a hotel. We played outside as much as possible, and when the girls were in the house they wore masks. We did eat meals inside the house, together, though, which was a Big Scary Step for me; the girls were on opposite ends of the table, but it still made me nervous. We didn’t really DO anything; aside from one morning when we went to a petting zoo, we just hung around the house and chatted. (I didn’t even cook. Not once. I am still completely avoiding Making Things.) My niece and sister-in-law left Sunday and yesterday I felt so bone tired from multiple days of sustained social interaction that I could barely get out of bed.

Have I always become THIS worn out by social interactions? I mean, I know they have always been wearying. But to THIS level? So that all I could do yesterday was drape myself over various pieces of furniture and yawn?

Looking ahead, I am fretting that I have overscheduled myself: I have Social Interactions tomorrow, Friday, next Tuesday, and then at some as-yet-undetermined point next week as well. And then the following weekend, two birthday parties, then my in-laws come to visit, and Carla’s birthday party. Ack. Already I feel my inner self curling up inside me in a little ball, rocking back and forth and mumbling “too much, too much.” 

But despite the pre-exhaustion, I am also really excited and happy to be engaging with The World again. If it’s not entirely comfortable for me, at least it’s good that Carla will be able to have playdates, and attend camp, and have people other than yours truly to interact with her this summer. I am very grateful.