This is one of those posts where I make you decide who is right and who is wrong. As per usual, it’s a cage match between me and my husband and it’s not really a fair fight at all, considering that a) he has no idea I’m writing about this and b) I am so clearly in the right.
(As always, please recall that whenever I write a post that forces you, Internet, to take sides between me and my husband, I feel morally obligated to reference Temerity Jane, who used to write similar-enough-that-I-feel-morally-torn-type posts [only better and with more hilarity]. [This is purely a moral obligation, not a Temerity-Jane-imposed obligation.] [And in any event, the Temerity Jane blog is no more, a fact that is deeply sad because it contained so much good, funny writing and so many eye-opening posts about normalcy and I miss it.])
Let us power through the sadness we feel at our collective loss by directing some side-eye toward the Wronger. Yes, I’m sticking with that pseudo-word choice.
Okay, so let’s say you get a nice gift from someone. Let’s say it’s a… fancy chip and dip set. It’s from someone you care about but maybe don’t see all that often. You thank them, then you do whatever it is you do with a chip and dip set (put it in a cabinet for months at a time, in my house).
Then! The very people who have given you the chip and dip set let you know the happy news! They are visiting! So you invite them over to your house. What do you do, vis a vis the chip and dip set? (Is it really a set? I’m doubting that usage, now.) (I am also doubting my use of vis a vis but we must ONWARD!)
In my household, one of us would plan dinner around something that the visitors might enjoy, and the dinner may or may not include chips and dip – in fact, probably it would NOT involve chips and dip, because we really reserve chips and dip for larger gatherings: Super Bowl parties, birthday parties, I’m realizing as I type this that we really don’t have large gatherings very often at all. Anyway, no chips, no dip. The dinner would be pleasant and enjoyable and we’d all have a good time. The end.
The other of us would also plan a dinner around something that the visitors might enjoy, but would definitely figure out a way to incorporate the chips and dip element. AND would definitely use the chips and dip set that the visitors had so kindly bestowed upon us. We would all have chips and dip, any of the four of us might remark on how great the chips and dip set is, we’d all have a good time. The end.
The non-chips-and-dip member of our family (and by that, I mean in this scenario only; we are an all-chips, all-dip, all-the-time kind of couple, keeping in mind my previously stated reluctance to serve either chips or dip unless the event includes the word “party” in it somewhere) might show some exasperation for the chips-and-dip serving member.
“It seems kind of condescending,” that person might say. “Like we are purposely getting out the present just for them.”
The chips-and-dip serving member might respond: “Exactly! That’s exactly why we’re doing it! We are showing appreciation to the gift giver by using the gift in their presence!”
This is where the non-chipper member of our family might bring up the pro-dipper member’s propensity for wearing clothing gifts in the presence of the gift giver.
“What’s wrong with that?” the gift-wearer might ask. “It shows that a) I remember that this person gave me a gift and b) I like it enough to wear it!”
“But it appears as though you ONLY wear the gift in front of the gift giver,” says the non-gift-wearer, sensibly. “They might think you don’t actually like it, so you never wear it unless you are around them.”
“Perhaps that is sometimes true!” responds the gift-wearer. “But doesn’t it also show gratitude? It’s not as though every single minute I am in the gift-giver’s presence I wear only things given to me by that person. If I throw in a bracelet or a t-shirt or a pair of socks every now and again, isn’t it only giving that person pleasure, to see their gift in action?”
“It’s weird,” says the non-gift-wearer.
Who is RIGHT, Internet? And what do YOU do?
Whether or not you LIKE the gift, whether or not you USE it frequently or once a year…
If your mother-in-law sends you a necklace, do you wear it on occasion when you go out to dinner with her? If your coworker gives you a funky wallet during your Secret Santa exchange, do you sometimes grab it when you go to coffee with her? If your brother sends you a set of towels, do you make sure they are clean and hanging from your towel hook the next time he comes over for dinner?
AND, let’s look at it from the other side! If you gave someone a present, and they used it in your presence, how would that make you feel? Condescended to? Or pleased?
And AND, does this really only matter in specific situations like mine, wherein our family all lives thousands of miles away and we are pretty unsocial in general?
While I await your sage advice, I will go eat some chips. I just need to find something in which to dip them…
The key is *sometimes*. If you see this person several times a year, only wear the bracelet/shirt/set out the chip-and-dip set once. Preferably not the first time. If I give you a gift and the very first time I see you afterwards you are utilizing it, then yes, I feel condescended to. If it’s instead the second or third time, I appreciate that I gave you something you actually use (whether or not you use it a lot, since I don’t really know). I would notice, feel good, but not comment on my noticing.
If you use/wear it *every* time, it gets even more condescending.
If you are only seeing these people once, do not get it out. Should they happen to be in town again sometime, then you can use it. (But don’t have to.) If I’m the gift giver, I want you to err on the side of not making a thing of it, and if you never use it in my presence that’s totally fine.
If it’s something that everyone knows to be a rarely-used item, I would say that you do not need to use it in their presence. I would understand that the recipient of serving-ware is not likely to use it in my presence. Your example of a necklace from a mother-in-law is a little different for me, because (a) I see my mother-in-law every couple of months, so I’d make an effort to wear the gift every once in a while, but for the fact that, (b) I pretty much always return any gift my MIL gives me. Oops! I would suggest that, overall, you and your husband are probably both over-thinking it a bit. Use it or don’t use it; the gifter probably will not care either way.
I would use the chips and dip set while they visit. Just so they know you received it. But I wouldn’t necessarily wear the clothing.
Whenever my baby is going to be around someone who’s given her an outfit, I always make sure to dress her in that outfit, if that tells you anything about what I’m about to say. I think I would also get out the chips and dip set, unless it’s clearly party-sized and would be overkill for four people. The caveat to THAT is if you’re going to put something in it that goes with the meal you’re going to serve, and would make sense to be eaten throughout – like tortilla chips and salsa with Mexican food, or potato chips and dip with hamburgers, etc.
I would probably also wear the clothing.
She is still blogging!
http://www.hellokorio.com/
Also I do not want a chip and dip set, therefore I would give it to Goodwill and we would never speak of it again. Except if someone asked to say sadly that it broke.
Baahahaahah!
This is hilarious.
Also, I’m with Jessica for the most part.
But, I also wonder if you could, say, JUST use the dip bowl for appetizer or a dessert sauce or whatever, so yes, you use it, but you aren’t going to bust out the Big Party Serveware for an intimate dinner with only 4 people….?
xox
I would definitely wear/use the gift in front of the person who gave it. I love to see others wearing or using my gifts!
I’m agreeing with Charlie here – I LOVE to see my gift recipients using the gift! Even if it is just ONLY in my presence, I still like it and don’t feel it is condescending. I especially love seeing clothing I’ve given being worn.
It would never, ever occur to me to think this I. Condescending. I would use it and plan a meal around it or I’d wear it and plan an outfit around it.
My in laws are 800 miles away while my family is 8 miles away. I definitely wear and use the gifts they give or text pics of the kids in clothes they give.
I’m eager to know what you decided to do……
I love to see recipients of my gifts wearing or using them. I give away my children’s clothing to friends with smaller kids and am delighted whenever I see them getting use out of them. Same with other and newly bought gifts. I guess it depends on the type of gift-giver you are yourself. Do you put a lot of thought into the appropriateness of the gift, do you analyze and think about what the recipient of the gift likes, what style of clothing/furniture etc. he or she has or do you give gifts because gifts are given and are a social necessity? In my eyes, the social necessity-gift giver is more likely to think that using or wearing the gift in front of the giver comes close to condescension.
On a sidenote, I love reading your blog and your insightful comments on other people’s posts! I’ve been reading your blog for a long time now (started about 1 or two years before Carla was born). I love your humor and thoughtfulness and how you share your doubts and unease as well.
I’m from Germany and was tickled by your post on candy and Haribo-Easter goodies. They’ve shown up in our supermarkets and I was thinking of you when I saw them.
Good luck with your own (book)writing.