We have been having Some Issues with drop off recently, where Carla gets very upset as I try to leave. It breaks my heart and sets the day off on a horrible You Monster, Why Do You Put Your Kid in Daycare start, so we have been testing some strategies to see if we can nip this in the bud.
Today was Day 2 of Strategy: Lovey, wherein Carla brings a small stuffed animal to school that she can hug when she misses me. Day 1 went very well, so I have high hopes.
This morning, one of Carla’s classmates was ALSO having a rough morning. She was crying already when I entered the classroom, and as I was trying to put things in Carla’s cubby (extra shoes, lunchbox, water bottle) while simultaneously saying soothing and cheerful things to Carla, the little girl came up to me, wailing, and held her arms out for a hug.
I mean, who am I to deny a child a hug? I really, really hope that’s not out of bounds. But I think if my daughter was having a rough time and just needed a hug, I would be grateful to another mom for giving her that comfort.
Poor kiddo – a hug did not cut it. And of course, here’s Carla, saying, “That’s MY mommy.” I tried to say calmly to her, “Your friend is having a rough moment, and it’s okay for her to give me a hug” while hugging this poor child. The little girl is now trying to climb on me, she wants to be picked up, but I don’t want to cross any weird parental boundaries, and also Carla is climbing on my other side, so I say gently, “Sweetie, I can’t pick you up, I’m sorry you’re having a rough day, it’s going to be okay.”
This is totally my response to Sad Feelings, by the way, because it is the way I want to be treated when I’m sad. I soothe, I acknowledge, I offer calm reassurances. But I am not good at distracting a child from her feelings. I mean, I have LEARNED how to do that, with Carla. But it didn’t even occur to me in this situation.
Of course, my own anxiety is ramping up at the same time. I’m just trying to get Carla situated so I can leave without her dissolving into tears. Now, in the calm and quiet of my house, I feel like I should have just sat down on the floor, talked with the little girl – at the very least, asked her or Carla what her name was! – and overall been more patient with the situation. Instead, I got more and more frantic, trying to peel the crying child off of me so I can hug my daughter, who is beginning to look more and more upset.
That’s when another mom swooped in. “This isn’t your child?” she asked, and I shook my head. And she took the little girl’s hand (the child was STILL wailing, tears and snot sloshing down her face – this is my NIGHTMARE, that when I leave, Carla cries and cries and cries, rather than stopping as soon as I’m out of sight.) and said brightly, “Have you washed your hands yet? Let’s go do that and then we’ll play with your friends!”
Oh how I want to be that mom. Not only is she a fantastic dresser (today she had on this long floral dress that was breezy and summery and elegant all at once) and not only does she have a super cool haircut, but she was kind and confident and knew exactly what to do.
I barely feel confident with MY OWN child. Let’s be honest: most of the time I have no idea what I’m doing, and even when my stabs in the dark seem to work, I feel like I’m about to tumble over the edge into incompetence at any moment. And when it comes to someone else’s child? Absolutely no idea.
Babies. I can handle babies. Let me hold your baby, feed her, change her diaper. I am good at that. Big kids? Not so much.
I think you did just right. The balance was tricky, with your own totally realistic worry about Carla dissolving. I was never That Smart Mom. Maybe she taught preschool in her previous career…? Let’s go with that.
Oh good! Let’s DO go with that. 🙂
Maybe you could ask Carla to hug the little girl and play with her that day as you quietly slip out?
Yes! I tried this! It helped Carla a bit, I think – but the poor little classmate did NOT find it helpful and just kept crying.
I think you did the right thing at daycare especially since you do not know the child. The other Mama saw your struggle in that moment and swooped in to help. I bet she has been there before too.
And try not to fret too much about getting the whole parenting thing. Anyone who says they know what they are doing is lying. We are all just trying to figure it out and do our best.
Also, Creepy Confession. I have been reading your blog for years but have never commented. I can’t even remember now how I found you but I am so grateful that you pop in occasionally to write. I have three kids and I find myself very much feeling all the feels you feel! So, thank you!!
Yay!! Thank you so much for commenting!
I think all mums can all feel like we’re about to spiral into incompetence at some point, but most people looking in wouldn’t know that we’re struggling.
Other mums at the nursery will be looking at you thinking you’ve got it all together I’m sure.
That is so kind. And so comforting, to know I’m not the only one struggling to know whether I’m Doing It Right.
You did GREAT with that other kid, and by the time you got to the point where the other mom stepped in, a TEACHER should have stepped in LONG SINCE.
THANK YOU. (The poor teachers: this morning I asked about the child, and the teacher said that the drop-off time is the WORST, and that nothing helps. Not distractions, not being held, not whatever else they might try. Poor kid.)