The prevailing advice for friends who want to support others in times of loss (or new baby, or after surgery, or during other tumultuous life events) is that you should offer something specific, rather than saying something generic like, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”
In fact, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do” seems frequently vilified as actively non-helpful. And I get that. I certainly don’t want to ask my friend who is grieving/recovering/etc. to take on the additional work of assigning me a job to do. It’s just that sometimes, a person really DOES want to help, and yet doesn’t have the full picture of what “help” might look like.
When dear family friends of ours lost their mother, I tried to do the specificity thing. I said, “I am happy to come do laundry, drive kids to appointments or activities, pick up groceries, make meals – whatever you need.” Okay, I suppose that is still a little broad.
I did check in with my friends every day for several weeks, and am trying to continue to purposefully reach out because I know they are still grieving. That feels doable but also like not enough.
Another close friend – K – recently lost a family member – a person I’ve never met. She asked if I could sit at the house for a few hours to accept food and flowers. I did not know this was a role people needed to fill, but I am so glad she reached out and I’m so glad I am able to do something to help.
K noted that she felt lucky to have a friend she could ask to take on this task. That sounds self-aggrandizing, but I’m not trying to toot my own miniature horn here – her point was that it feels important to have people in your life that you can count on for that kind of thing, that you know you could ask to do your laundry or buy you groceries or sit in your house and accept food and flowers. She said this experience of dealing with death has sharpened her sense of urgency around cultivating close connections with people.
I take her point. If I contemplate a situation where I needed someone to drive me to chemotherapy every week or couldn’t get out of bed and required someone to do laundry or drive Carla to and from school or any of the ten thousand mundane things necessary even during times of crisis, I do think I have a few people I could call on, without embarrassment, without feeling as though I were overstepping the boundaries of our relationships. Do you have people like that? It’s a small group, for sure, but I’m grateful it exists. (Unfortunately, two of these members of my support system live several states away which makes it much more difficult. When they’ve lost loved ones, it has been so hard to know what to do and how to support them from afar. In one case, I was able to fly to my friend’s house for the funeral; in another case, I was not able to leave Carla and it wouldn’t have been feasible/appropriate to take her.)
The thing is, when I think about DOING supportive things for other people, the circle enlarges quite a bit. The neighbors in our old neighborhood, who were so kind to Carla when we lived there, and with whom I still exchange texts and holiday cards, and occasional visits: I would be happy to do any of those things and more for any of them. My neighbors here, whom I know less well, but with whom I feel like relationships are blossoming? Same. Any of the women I volunteer with. Any of the other parents of Carla’s classmates. Any of my blog friends. (Although again, there’s the distance issue at play with many of us.) A person in my outer circle had surgery a few years ago, and called me crying because she wasn’t able to lift her mattress enough to make her bed, so I went over and made her bed for her. It was such a small thing, but it took only a few minutes out of my day, and it helped her, and it felt so good to be useful.
Because I know that I am a perfectly ordinary person, I am going to assume that most of us feel that way. That if help were needed, and we were available, we would step in. That’s comforting, and I hope when I do need help, I remember that.
I also hope I remember that “please let me know if there’s anything I can do” comes from a genuine desire to do something, anything in support. That it isn’t a meaningless platitude, but a sincere wish to know what I need.
That said, it would sure be nice to have a manual of all the things that are DEFINITELY NEEDED during times of life upheaval or crisis or transition. I’d even settle for a list of what to do in times of bereavement, because all of us will encounter loss both at home and in our communities.
My first instinct is always to make food. When a neighbor’s spouse died several years ago, I made a big pot of stew and a batch of cookies, packaged it all up with some disposable napkins, plates, and cutlery, and walked it down to her house. That felt like Doing Something. I hoped that even if she couldn’t eat the stew/cookies for whatever reason, she could share it with visitors, or at the very very least would take it as a token of my sympathy.
But food is just one thing that’s universally needed! There have to be others, right? If there is a need for someone to sit at a house and accept food and flowers, there are certainly other roles that need filling. Collecting flowers and food from the funeral home after a wake? Making a post-funeral meal for people to come home to? Taking all the funeral clothing to the dry cleaner? Caring for pets? Watering plants? Running the vacuum around the house and cleaning the bathrooms? I don’t even know.
If you have lost someone (and if so, my heart is with you), what did you find most helpful from those around you? Or what did you most need during that time? If you’ve been the helper, what have you done to offer support?
Part of MY problem is that I get too much in my own head about stuff. I feel a little reluctant to say, “I will do X” when I don’t know if X is needed, or if X is something my friend might prefer to do herself (making her own dinner might feel like an injection of normalcy; she might think giving me her laundry is too intimate a task), or if X infringes on her privacy or personal space (I’m happy to pick up groceries, but maybe she doesn’t want me poking around in her fridge or pantry to put things away).
People are so gracious and so unwilling to inconvenience others, but I think most of us want to HELP, and don’t see helping as an inconvenience. If only we knew what to DO.
I’m not sure how to end this post or if it even makes sense (I was up until three last night and that is the third night in the past five days that I’ve been involuntarily awake in the three o’clock hour, so let’s blame any issues on this post on THAT), but I would be interested in your thoughts.
When I needed help ( baby in NICU an hour from home) what helped:
When I offer help, it’s usually food or gift cards. And a listening ear if they need to talk.
I think asking straightforwardly what they need works. Or if you know something about their routine ( like their grocery run or kid activities), you could offer specific ideas.
What wonderful, practical, and helpful ideas! I think “person running interference” is a really important role in a lot of situations.
We had so many people surrounding us as my dad was dying and in the first two weeks after — and then, slowly, that support faded. I say this not in judgment but as an honest reflection. It happens, and I’ve learned from it. I received many “let me know…” messages, but in the depths of my grief, I didn’t know how to ask for help.
Thank you for writing this. I think many people genuinely don’t know what to do when death is involved. A big part of that is society’s fear of talking about death — so when it happens, those who are grieving can feel very alone.
YES, Kari, this is the problem, right? When you are in the depths of your grief, you don’t have the mental or emotional wherewithal to direct people. And yet there’s no handbook about what to do. I want to do the things that need to be done but I don’t want to ask! I just want there to be a checklist and I can volunteer for a bullet on that list.
Maybe this is where mbmom11’s “person who runs interference” comes in? a designated person who either knows or is able to get the necessary info from the friend in need, and can disseminate it to everyone else???
Yes — exactly. It really would help to have that “interference person” or even just a simple checklist so people can jump in without having to be asked. I love how you said this. 💜
And now I want to read all of your readers’ comments, because I know there will be a wealth of information shared. I love posts like this — thank you again for writing it.
Yes, all of this. I realize ‘let me know if you need anything’ is putting an unfair burden on the person, but the cruel fact is that when you’ve suffered a tragedy, an unfair burden IS on you, and while it would be ideal if people just knew what to say or do, that’s not the case, especially in Western society where we deal with death so badly.
When we had friends who had a new baby later than the rest of us, I considered it an actual gift that they were willing to ask for exactly what they needed. In fact, it is often a gift to people to be direct in asking for what you need and gracious in accepting it rather than repeatedly saying you couldn’t possibly, when they are clearly willing and eager to help. Again, not faulting people for not being able to do this, but I think it’s often overlooked that being able to figure out how to ask for and accept help is also a skill.
I do have a wider circle than what is usual, I think, of people that I can ask for help with almost anything at a moment’s notice (witness my whole car battery situation), and I am completely aware of what an immense gift this is. I can also be bad at accepting help, which is something to work on.
I have a friend/acquaintance who, along with her husband, is undergoing chemo right now. I’m far away and not really close enough in the other sense either to offer anything but sympathy, but it’s been a little bit eye-opening about the kinds and levels of help that are the most useful – food, restaurant gift cards, assembling walkers and medical devices, tidying and organizing all the gifts from well-meaning friends, driving to appointments, making appointments, etc. It really takes more of a village than many people have.
So many good points. The village thing, definitely — especially because I think some people’s villages are spread all over the place. My best friend lives two time zones away; my only sibling, four.
I agree wholeheartedly that it is a gift to ask someone for help. When my friend asked me to help with the food/flowers, I was so grateful to her.
But you are also absolutely right that it is an unfair burden on the bereaved, when they are already dealing with so much. This is why I want a manual, dammit! Can’t we all agree upon The 50 Things To Do When Someone You Love Loses Someone They Love?!
Yes this post makes sense and it’s one of those things that needs to be talked about more, which is why you had a bug in the brain about it at 3 AM. All I know is that the comments on this one are going to be gold.
It’s a two way street – we have to do more than say “let me know” for folks that we know need a hand, but also when it’s our turn we have to speak up and ask for help. Neither of those things are easy. One requires being a mind reader and the other runs the risk of rejection at a vulnerable time.
Oh wow, Birchie – you really got down to the meat of it. You’re so right. We’re really asking impossible things of one another.
Suzanne this is such a great post. I will store many of these ideas away for when I need them. When my sister’s husband was failing with Parkinson’s, I went and spent a day with her once a month. I would do tasks around the house that she couldn’t do and sometimes just accompany her on a whole bunch of errands. My daughter’s husband has quite a terrible degenerative disease. They have an 11 and 15 year-old and everything has fallen on her. I hope whenever I can, she doesn’t live that close but my friend and I do batch cooking and baking a few times a year and fill her freezer with meals and treats. I know she appreciates that so much. My husband lost a son 20 years ago. The friends he really remembers called to check on him weeks, months and even a year or two after the loss.
(ps what’s with WordPress erasing the ENTIRE comment when you backspace twice to fix something. Arghhhh)
and this somehow ended up as a reply….smacks forehead
Like Kari said above, there is so much support in that initial period and then everyone kind of moves on with their lives, which I totally understand. When my uncle passed, some of the extended family made a plan to send something to his daughter every month or so. That way she would know she was being thought of and that people hadn’t forgotten her loss. I think little things like that are important. And then acknowledging the anniversary of their loved one’s passing. I know people have this feeling of “oh I don’t want to say anything and then remind them of their loss” but that loss is going to recognized by the person – but will they be alone in their feelings of grief or have support? (I say this as someone who has not experienced catastrophic losses. But my husband did lose his dad 12 years ago so I’ve seen what hellps second hand).
I love that you have had friends that have come to you for help. That is such a good sign about who you are as a person! It’s hard to ask for help (ask me how I know!!) but I do have one friend that I have asked for help multiple times and she is always willing to help!
You are right that grief can be extremely isolating. I love the idea of orchestrating a regular check-in for people who have experienced a loss. It does feel intrusive or pain-causing to ask after the deceased, but I try to force myself to do it anyway, in as kind a way I can.
This: “People are so gracious and so unwilling to inconvenience others, but I think most of us want to HELP, and don’t see helping as an inconvenience. If only we knew what to DO.” – it happens all the time, people want to help but the person in question is overwhelmed and cannot think of how to ask for things, or thinks that the things they are asking for are “too much.” I remember when I had Mark, my husband’s friend’s now-ex-wife told me that whenever I wanted, she would come over with her toddler and just hold Mark while I had a nap. It was so generous and thoughtful. Did I take her up on it? No. I should have. I regret that I didn’t, because honestly it is unkind to turn down such a generous offer.
I just listened to an episode (one of the last ever!) on Cookbook Club about meal trains. One of the hosts had spent last summer recovering from surgery for breast cancer, and had three young children. She recalled how she resisted having a meal train, but then the co-host had just come over and made her smoothies in her own kitchen, and then made lunch for her kids, insisting on it in a way that would almost feel rude? But it was so loving and this host said that sometimes, you just need to let your loved ones help. That resonated with me because while I will scrub someone else’s toilet or fold their laundry or buy them groceries, wow, would I resist having that same thing for me. But then, I haven’t ever been really ill or laid up. Maybe if I was I will remember this lesson and allow it. Remind me of this conversation, should I ever get sick and need it.
One of my friends is really struggling right now, and the natural thing would be to feed her family for her, but her family is extremely particular about what they eat – they have a very plain and limited palate. So I baked a loaf of white bread, and said that I had made too much and I was dropping it off.
I know we aren’t supposed to ask what to do, but sometimes it’s hard to imagine what to do. This friend I dropped bread off to, would she be okay if I just showed up with rubber gloves and cleaning supplies? Maybe, but I don’t really know.
I have some friends I know I could count on for all those strange requests, and I would pretty much do anything for them as well. The hardest part is asking for help. If someone has kids that need driving, that’s a solid thing to be able to help with.
One thing I think well-meaning people do is to send flowers, and I say this with a lot of love, but I think that is the least-useful thing to do. Flowers need to be dealt with, and then they are dead in a week and need to be dealt with again, they are not cheap, and I think there are so many better ways to spend that energy, even like an edible arrangement or the like.
I seem to have a lot to say on this topic. I am so sorry about your friends. You are a good friend and you are someone who I WOULD ask to pick me up groceries, you know, if you weren’t 4000 km away. xoxoxo
It’s such a paradox, Nicole! Why are we happy to do things that would cause us shame/discomfort to ask others to do for us???
The family who just lost their mom/grandmother has a ton of food allergies, so it would be so tricky to come up with something to take them to eat. But as I say this I am realizing we can show them care and support by having them over here. Why am I just thinking this now????
Ohhhhhh flowers! I 100% agree with your assessment. I have heard so many people express loathing for flowers because they remind them of death. And also, sometimes it is the “only” option, especially from afar. I have thought of a flower arrangement as a stand-in for my physical self when I am unable to travel to a funeral. For Christian funerals, at least, it seems like flowers are abundant at funerals and memorial services, and I like adding to that abundance. I also hope that the bereaved are able to donate or dispose of the flowers if they are unpleasant. This reminds me though: I always, always send a card with as detailed a message as I can come up with about the person they lost. I think it’s important to talk about the person who died, because it seems like a lot of people who are uncomfortable with death also avoid mentioning the person’s name. When really, it’s nice to be able to talk about and think about the person you lost!
I am touched by your groceries comment and would absolutely buy you groceries any time. If only you lived nearer, I know you would be a person I could ask for help without embarrassment.
Oh yes, a thoughtful card is the absolute kindest, nicest, most lovely thing to send someone who is grieving! It’s something the person can keep and look back on, and it’s so meaningful.
It’s a tough call for sure, but an offer of anything, even if refused, is appreciated. I didn’t like asking for help until I realized that although my friends couldn’t change my circumstances, they were offering me the gift of themselves and their kindness and support. That was precious! One high school friend wanted to bring us dinner, but I said that my (late) husband was only eating bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches because they tasted good to him. (stupid chemo) I’ve always hated cooking bacon–so smelly, and greasy. So, this friend brought us a pound of bacon that she had cooked that I didn’t have to. A perfect gift for us!
The bacon story is WONDERFUL. What a thoughtful friend.
I love this: “Although my friends couldn’t change my circumstances, they were offering me the gift of themselves and their kindness and support.” What a beautiful perspective. And it eases my anxiety a bit, about not being to DO anything, to think that the offer itself is helpful in some way.
Lots of good ideas here. Our neighbor (Carrie) was ill with terminal cancer, but she and I weren’t close. It felt like pestering sometimes to always be asking if they needed help. I had to get over it and just keep asking if they wanted meals or help with the kids or mowing the lawn. Sometimes the answer was ‘no, we got it covered.’ We watched the kids when Carrie had doctor’s appointments and brought meals before and after her death (almost 2 years ago). The week her mom died I took one of the kids trick or treating and tried to do other ‘normal’ things with her. These days I offer to drive the neighbor kid to and from activities. Checking on a grieving person (phone call, text, time togther) around important dates (birthday of the loved one, holidays, etc) is also a kindness and seems to be appreciated.
What comforting and practical gifts you gave Carrie and her family. That is so kind. I love that you continue to help with the kids all these years later.
And yes, those checkins are important. I like the idea of checking in on birthdays of the dead loved one, too.
I think, and this may be just introverted me, that any offering of help, whether received or not, is significant. You do what you can, they accept what they can.
“You do what you can, they accept what they can.” Well said, Ally. A good mantra for when I’m feeling helpless and useless.
I feel like food is always right. I also feel like an EARNEST “Please let me know if there is something I can do,” with a list like you did of things you are specifically willing to do, and repeating that offer at intervals, is right. I have seen some of the advice about being specific and JUST DOING, and I think your way is BETTER than the “I am here to do your laundry” method, which feels pushy and what if they would really hate that?
Something a friend of a friend did, when that friend had a big loss, was to be the person to coordinate the help the person didn’t want to ask for. SHE asked the friend what would be useful, and made up a big shared online spreadsheet, so that people could look at what was needed, and sign up for what they were willing to do. It included everything from “Call list of people to let them know the news” to “Pick up relative from airport Tuesday morning” to “Drop off pan of brownies.” I thought that was BRILLIANT, because there are a TON of things I’m willing to do, and in fact would love to sign up to do—but there are also a lot of things I do not want to be specifically asked to do. I do not want to make the phone calls. I do not want to research the estate laws. It depends WHICH airport. Etc.
I feel like I would want to be PREPARED for someone to come do my laundry (or the like), so I agree that the “just go over and do the thing” method is not compatible with my personality. Perhaps a better tack is to say, “I want to do your laundry or some other task for you, the offer is open for the next six months” and then periodically extend reminders of the offer during that period, just so the person doesn’t think it’s an offer without any teeth?
I love the idea of a help coordinator! Like a meal train but with all sorts of tasks! That is genius for exactly the reason you say.
When my father died suddenly on vacation in Italy, my step-mom was hesitant to ask for help. My sister flew to Italy to help her. When they got back to the US, all of those years of my step-mom being there for her friends paid off. She had SO MUCH support, lawyers to help her deal with that part, friends bringing food and taking her for walks and just all of it.
I don’t have a lot of friends who live nearby, but we have some neighbors that will run to the store for us when we have COVID and things like that.
I think if you have an idea of what the person needs, do that. If you don’t, ask. I think the phrase, ‘what can I do to help you right now?’ Is better than ‘let me know if you need anything.’
When my sister was going through chemo, her work came through for her. She works as admin at a small school, doesn’t make a ton of money, but the parents at the school put together a calendar and brought her family meals for every day, and others gave the kids rides to school. It was amazing.
I live in a different state and felt helpless with all of it, but it was really good to know that they were so well taken care of.
I like that phrasing too! Great idea.
I also really love the “train” aspect of organizing help. Such a great way to ensure coverage of a lot of things over a period of time.
I was going to say the same thing; turning it from a “passive” voice into an “active” voice helps.
When my dad died, we had a ton of people just do things without asking, and it was a gift. So much food! I have tried to make sure I jump on meal trains, take dinner to people with covid, send Panera to the house where people will be gathering (a huge unexpected Panera delivery was the thing my kids liked the most when my dad died– a friend sent it to my mom’s, and it was SO PERFECT because we were swamped with family but no one wanted to cook or get food), put a handwritten card in the mail, etc.
Sarah, I realize it may still be too fresh to talk about in detail so please ignore this if you’d rather not revisit that time. But I would be interested in what people did for you without asking. The Panera meal is such a great idea. I love that you are passing that kindness on to others.
I’m so glad you had those people to help you out.
I remember when my mom died, the thing that was just too much for me was making dinner. Like I could get through the rest of the day, but then the realization that I also had to make dinner was overwhelming. So- I agree with most of the other commenters that food will always be appreciated. If you don’t know their dietary preferences, a gift card so they could get takeout is a brilliant idea (I hadn’t thought of this until I read mbmom11’s comment above.
My problem is I hesitate to reach out because I think “oh, they already have friends helping them.” Not that I don’t want to help, but I guess it’s a form of shyness- like I don’t want to bother them. I have to remind myself that you can never have TOO many people offering to help.
I love all the ideas in this post and the comment section!
Oh Jenny, you’re right. Dinner is overwhelming enough without adding grief to the mix.
Your point about shyness is so insightful. I feel similarly. Like, maybe our friendship isn’t strong/deep/big enough for me to even make the offer — it feels presumptuous in some ways, like I believe I’m more crucial to the friend’s well-being than I am.
It’s hard from far away. I mostly just make sure I call my friends regularly when something terrible is happening. Not text – call. Even a voicemail from a friend if they can’t answer the phone can be a light in a given day.
For local friends, something I volunteer regularly is to take extra trash/recycling. Trash builds up if you’re eating out a lot or relying on convenience items for medical issues. Because it’s just the two of us, we almost always have room for more trash or recycling!
When we had a friend going through cancer treatment a few years ago, I would call every weekend on a Saturday or Sunday and just drop by with some food – cookies, soup, whatever. And then we’d chat for a few minutes and leave. It eased my mind because I could check on our friend every week, but they didn’t have to entertain us. Then when that friend needed someone to drive them to an appointment, they called because they knew we were serious about helping however we could. It’s the little things, you know? I’m sure your friend was relieved you could watch the house during the funeral – what a lovely way to be useful.
I love the suggestion to take care of trash and recycling for a friend. That’s so smart.
Yes, I remember a few times you posted about your friend, and I always thought it was so caring of you to take food with you on quick visits. Mastering the art of the “quick” visit is such a good skill to have!
This is such a thoughtful topic! At the risk of sounding pitiful, I had very, VERY little support when my husband died nearly 4 years ago. Nobody brought me food, flowers, etc. My mother and brother and visited (from a neighboring state) the day after he died, and my kids came in the following day and helped me with his cremation arrangements. That was it. So I would first suggest that folks shouldn’t assume a person is being inundated with food, flowers, offers of help. I wish I had been!
For me specifically, I wish someone had offered to mow my lawn. It was Dave’s job and ugh, I hate doing it! (LOL)
I remember being super overwhelmed by all the messages/texts from people. It was nice to be thought of, of course, but I felt like I had to put on a brave face over and over. I would rather have had messages 1 or 2 months later, when my loss fell off everyone’s radar.
Anyway! One thing I loved was the cards people sent, with personal messages in them about Dave or about our relationship. I saved them all. 🙂
Wendy, I am so very sorry that you didn’t have the robust support system you needed after your husband’s death. Your point that it’s important not to assume people already have what they need is such a powerful reminder.
Lawn mowing! That is such a great suggestion. I feel like there are so many tasks like that that are necessary but complicated or time/energy consuming, and it’s so hard to get up the time or energy to tackle them in the aftermath of loss.
What a timely post, Suzanne. As you might know, we just lost my MIL four weeks ago. I was out of the country when it happened and my husband was not physically close (she lived 300 mi away) and honestly, there hasn’t been very much support and I wish I knew who I could have called for help. Of course people reached out and asked what happened, but she had a few friends who took on immediate action for certain things, but the grieving process is very lonely (as many have already experienced).
It also made me realize that we don’t really have a support network, at least nobody who is local to us, and that felt a bit sobering. I was grateful to be around my own family when it happened, so there was emotional support there. I agree with everybody else that it’s hard to know what to do and it’s also hard to ask for help. But I do believe that every “let me know how I can help” is a genuine offer to be there for someone.
My condolences again about your mother in law, San. Dealing with death long-distance carries its own laundry list of stressors and challenges.
I think it’s HARD to build a support system. It does not come easily to me. We’ve been living in the same city since 2009 and it’s only really in the past couple of years that I’ve felt like I have People, you know? Making those connections and then nurturing them takes a lot of time and energy. To be honest, I don’t think I would have much of a support system without my kid. She’s the friendly, ebullient extrovert who has ensured I met so many people. I really don’t think I would know half of our neighbors without her.
Someone to sit and help me make lists was helpful. Also helpful was a separate list of possible tasks people could look through when they offer to help… my aunt sat me down and helped me make that list.
People offering two choices: “I want to help so I was thinking I could wash your dogs or vacuum- do you have a preference?” That was such a help in early grief.
If I never see another heavy-ass, bullshit casserole in my life it will be too soon. I now have an intense loathing of casseroles. I would have given my right arm for a salad and some soup.
I had over 10 people bring me watermelons. Do not do that. “Here! This takes so much work and makes a mess and doesn’t fit in your fridge!” I started calling them grief melons because so many people brought them to us. Was the weirdest thing.
Invite them somewhere low stakes and keep doing it through the first year… even if they always say no.
Someone washing and folding clothes was a godsend.
Someone being responsible for tracking and putting flea medicine on the cats was such a godsend too.
I had neighbors mow my lawn for the first year without being asked. If the grass got long it was short the next day. Always felt like a hug from the neighborhood
Someone taking my kids out to play or to school was amazing. My cousins wife made the kids lunches for weeks too.
There was a lot that was great that people did for us- we were very supported in our grief, thankfully.
Oh gosh- and also- put a reminder in your phone for the day they died. I had three people send texts or flowers on the day of and it made me feel so, so loved. On the other side of things my own dad called the day of the 1 year mark and asked for help cleaning his car and I had to remind him what the day was. Don’t be that guy. Nobody likes that guy.
One of the things that meant the most to me after my dad died was three of my internet friends showing up for his funeral. I was in Texas away from where I normally lived and the three of them showed up to be there for ME and they were the only people I knew there at all besides my own family. And I knew that they had come as representatives from the whole internet so it was like everyone was there. It was just so comforting to have someone there who cared about ME since I had spent the whole last week taking care of everyone else. Like I snuck out to the bathroom to change Alex (she was nine months old) and a minute later, the three of them showed up in the bathroom to help me. Like they had been watching ME in particular and came to help. I am still so so grateful to them.
And I think the “let me know what I can do” only works when it is someone that you are very close to. Like if my best friends said that to me, I would have no problem ordering them around. But if the random neighbor I say hi to did, I wouldn’t have felt comfortable. And be on the lookout for hints too- one neighbor said that to me and I said “oh, we need to get the lawn cut before the HOA comes after us, do you know anyone?” and she gave me a phone number. But I was actually hinting that maybe they would have just come and run over my lawn when they were doing their own? But I didn’t know her well enough to actually ask her that.
I often do the “let me know if there is anything I can do” phrase, but I suppose it’s so general. And depending on the person I’m saying it to, also depends on the depth of what they would ask of me. Perhaps, I should add some examples of what I could do, or even say: even something small and tedious, if I can do it for you, let me.
You bring up a good point, asking What can I do – might be too general. I like the list that mbmom11 shared. I offered to drive the twins that Curly is friends with to their ortho appointments after their mom passed suddenly. The dad didn’t take me up on it, but eventually I organized a meal thing and Curly and I brought the kids little surprises for the Valentine’s Day after she passed, because she was big on those little details.
It’s hard to know how to help. I’m grateful that I have a few women in my life that I know would drop everything and would allow me to order them around or they would just show up if I didn’t order them around, and they would do all the things.
I feel incredibly blessed that I’ve never been in the situation where I needed this sort of help.
A very good friend passed away two years ago from cancer, he was 49 years old and passed a day before his 50th birthday. His wife is a sister-friend of mine, for many years. So he was always part of our group.
1. I have his passing date in my calendar so I can reach out to his wife and light a candle for him (just for myself)
2. during his battle, we would take him to appointments, and got gift cards to Panera for a quick meal
3. Sadly, his death coincided with his boys graduating from high school (one) and going into junior high (second). We contributed to their college funds.
4. every Christmas we continue contributing to his sons funds/giving cash. What they do with the money is not our business.
5. most importantly, I feel like I could have done more… and I blame myself.. I feel like there were people that have done much more. But that’s for me to obsess over for the next ten years.
thank you for such a thought provoking post.