I ran into a Person in My Circle TM The Queen of Mediocretia the other day who told me how she’d gone to her twenty-five-year college reunion over the weekend. It had been so fun, she’d said, but – with a deep, dramatic sigh – she’d seen The Love of Her Life and that had been hard.
This was a very interesting comment, for several reasons. The first of which is that she is married and has children. Whatever – no judgement; the only people who know what a marriage is like are the people inside that marriage.
The other reason I found it interesting was that she said THE love of my life. As though this person was the one and only (and her husband was NOT the love of her life).
Personally, I don’t believe that there is just ONE person in the universe for you. (Mini Tangent: Perhaps incongruously, I do believe in soul mates. However, I believe in multiple soul mates, and I don’t necessarily believe that a soul mate has to be your spouse, or that a spouse has to be your soul mate. I have a former coworker who I consider to be my soul mate, even though there was never anything romantic between us, and even though I haven’t talked to her in far too many months. One of my best friends is another soul mate. My husband is a soul mate, too. I guess my definition of soul mate would be someone who knows some aspect of your heart so deeply, it feels like you are two halves of a whole.)
(I also have very strong feelings about how Hollywood/Disney/media-in-general portray love, and what it “should be” vs. what it IS. But that’s another topic for another day.)
Anyway, I think there are probably multiple people in the universe whom we could each call The Love of Our Lives.
Before I met my husband, I was in love twice. This surprises me, when I look back on it, because I had more than two boyfriends before I met my husband. And I certainly thought I was in love with more than two of those boyfriends when I was with them. I guess from this perspective, now that I know what love really is (or what love is to me, I guess), it’s easy to see which relationships qualified and which didn’t. The two I’m thinking of qualify because, I suppose, I think I could have seen myself building a life with either of them.
It’s interesting to think about how things might have turned out differently, had I pursued something more serious with either of those other loves. To be clear: I don’t pine for either of them, and honestly don’t even think of either of them very often, and I am quite pleased with how my life turned out, spouse-wise. (Also, I am quite pleased with how my life turned out, offspring-wise. If I’d married one of these other dudes, Carla wouldn’t exist and that is unthinkable.) But it is kind of a mind-pluck to think about what I would be doing, what life would be like, where I would be living, what my kids would be like had things gone a different way.
I haven’t heard from the one since shortly after I joined Facebook in 2008 (I still have an account but do not use it) and I haven’t heard from the other since we ran into each other during a college reunion nearly twenty years ago. Each of them got married, to the women they dated right after me, and I think at least one of them has a couple of children. From what I remember, one was living out West, in Idaho or Utah or Colorado; the other lived in a big city. I’m not sure what their status is these days. I suppose I could try to Facebook one or both of them, to see where they are and what they’re doing, but I am too lazy.
Now it’s your turn to weigh in:
Have you ever been in love? How many times? What’s your position on soul mates, and the concept of “one true love”? Do you ever think about “what might have been,” or where you would be now if you had made a different choice? Do you keep in touch with any former loves or would-be soul mates?
It seems as though I am doing NaBloPoMo this month, which is 30 blog posts in 30 days. (Will I make it??? Only time will tell.) Details at San’s blog here.
I like your concept of soul mates. I have friends who feel like my soul sisters, so that really resonates with me.
That’s interesting about the love of your friend’s life. It’s very Road Not Taken. I am happy with the way things went in my life but they sure aren’t the way I thought they would, when I was in high school. Mind you, things are fuzzy from that long ago!
Twice for me. I almost can imagine the road not taken, but I actually *do* think Ben is the love of my life. It is really hard to even think about waking up with someone else.
Ha – when I literally picture waking up next to someone besides my husband, it IS weird. Like, what are you doing in my bed?!?!
I’ve been in what I would have called love then, but now realize was infatuation. I’ve never kept up with any romantic person from my past. I believe in soul mates, but I don’t think there will be just one in your life. I’m married to mine so that’s good– and I have no regrets about it.
I don’t really keep up with any romantic person from my past either, although I do still exchange holiday cards with the parents of a high school boyfriend.
I definitely have soul mate friends and Elizabeth has already found one of hers. And may I suggest this song which sums up my feelings rather well:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Zn6gV2sdl38
OMG Jen this is hilarious! “I think you’re special, but you fall within a bell curve.” LOL.
That was great, thanks!
I think I was in love three times before Beth (one girl, two boys). She and I were twenty when we got together so I was a teenager for all the others, but when I look back on them, I don’t think puppy love. But at the same time, I don’t really have “what might have been” feeling about any of them. I am in touch with one of them on Facebook in a casual sort of way. Another I chose not to friend because it ended so badly, and another’s not on Facebook any more but we exchanged a few message a while back when she was. FTR, I was never in a romantic relationship with the girl. It was unrequited and I never even told her, but I think she knew. Beth was my first girlfriend.
I definitely think it’s possible to be in “real” love as a teenager. It’s so funny to look back from this perspective now, though, and see the difference between what I thought I felt and what it really was (infatuation, puppy love, etc.).
I’ve only been in love once, I married him, and I’m still in love. This may seem boring, but I think it’s wonderful (no baggage!).
But relationships are complicated, eh?! It does make me feel sad for the Person in Your Circle (which is a brilliant label) though…yikes. And you also seem to be encountering A LOT of “oversharing” lately!
I don’t think it’s boring at all, but honestly “boring” is pretty awesome!
Ooh I love this. First as to soul mates – agreed one hundred percent. I have had three soul mates in my life – my husband, my father (who died this past summer), and my high school best friend. I also have a long lost older sister I suspect might become soul mate adjacent once we really get to know one another. I’ve been in love twice. In my twenties I had a long term live in boyfriend and that is the only other time I’ve been in love despite having had ::ahem:: clearly more than two boyfriends in my life.
Well, that’s a strange thing for someone to say out loud, but it makes for a fun discussion so we’ll take it. Before I met the hubs, I certainly cared passionately about everyone that I dated, but nothing ever got to “this is the one” status. I always tried to stay friends, but over time the relationships just died out naturally, so I’m not in contact and don’t have any “what might have been” regrets. I have a strong imagination, but if you ask me to imagine life without the hubs, my brain just can’t make that happen.
I like that you differentiate between ‘soul mate’ and ‘love of your life’. I have several soul mates, most of them female. I fell hard for a couple of boyfriends, but never once considered them marriage material. I think on my second or third date, I started thinking of my husband that way. Weird. And we were young, 21 and 22, and were together for 5 1/2 years before we got married. We weren’t ready yet by far when we started dating.
To your point, though, if I hadn’t met him, or if I had met him at a different stage in life, perhaps I would have married someone else. Of course then I wouldn’t have my wonderful daughter, but I’d have some other kid(s), and wouldn’t be able to imagine my life without them. I think I would have been compatible with at least one of my prior boyfriends if we had been older. And you never know about the people you didn’t meet. Long way of saying, I think there are a lot of people in the world that would fit for anyone. To imagine just one is too sad.
Your NaBloPoMo posts are great. You may need to continue doing this in December.:)
I’m sad for your acquaintance because she isn’t married to the love of her life, but she was honest enough to admit it to you. It makes me question why she told you about it.
Most of us, I believe, aren’t married to our soul mates because we weren’t taught what that looks like. We didn’t have emotionally mature parents who could model healthy marriages. What, after all, is a soul mate? Man, you’ve made me want to do a research paper about it.
I’ve been in love twice and one of those times was in high school so I do agree that it is possible to be in love as a teen. That HS boyfriend was probably a soul mate, too. We kept in touch on and off for many years. I went to a baseball game with him maybe 8 years ago, so this was after I met my husband. But Phil wasn’t at all threatened by me seeing my HS boyfriend because the relationship is 100% platonic. We’ve since kind of lost touch because for, for me, it was weird to be in touch with him while being in a committed relationship. I still send his parents a Christmas card and his parents are friends with my parents even though they do not live in the same town.
Phil is one of the loves of my life and one of my soul mates. I agree that you can have multiple soul mates. My coworker/former mentor is another one – he’s also my work husband but again – 100% platonic obvs. Him and his wife are actually the guardians of our children if anything, God forbid, were to happen to us. That’s the kind of relationship we have! And then I have girlfriends that are soulmates, too.
Yes, that is a very odd comment for your married *friend* to make!
I had two serious boyfriends before I met my husband, and I felt like i was in love with both of them. In retrospect it’s hard to say if it was real love, since my perspective now is colored by the fact that those relationships didn’t last. Like you, I can’t even imagine not marrying my husband because then I wouldn’t have my kids… which is unthinkable. I do agree there’s not one “soul mate” out there for us (with the possible exception of Elisabeth, having read her comment above!)
I’m a blog lurker, but so intrigued by this topic that I wanted to comment! I recently read Rosie Walsh’s thriller/ domestic suspense novel The Love of My Life, and no spoilers, but that book really made me re-think the term.
I will say the one person I fancied myself madly in love with was wholly unsuitable on so many levels, plus I was already engaged to my Husband by then. I love the concept of soul mates in terms of someone that you feel a bone deep connection with – and those there can be many – but somehow the term “soul mates” feels very heavy and serious when what I often value most in the way I connect with someone is how often we laugh together.
There’s a guy I dated for a bit before I met my husband and I loved him a lot. But he had children from a previous relationship and he would always put his children first (which he should – obviously!) and I didn’t want to be second place in a relationship. I don’t exactly like that about myself, but we broke up and I sometimes wonder what would have happened if we’d stayed together.
I also dated a guy for years in my late teens/early twenties. He was my first serious relationship. I found out that he died a year or two ago and I was surprised at how unmoored I felt at the thought of him just being gone. I hadn’t spoken to him in decades, but now I am the only one with those memories of our time together and it feels like a burden I didn’t really want and don’t know what to do with.
On a lighter note, my Bestest Friend is my true soulmate. It’s too bad we’re not sexually compatible because I would have loved to be married to her. We would have gotten along so well! Oh, well. I love my husband and I’m super happy with him and I still talk to Bestest Friend almost every day.
Wow, Suzanne – this a very thought provoking post. I’d never really thought about soul mates as you describe them. But like Nicole, I have friends that I consider to be soul sisters but yes, they would also qualify as soul mates because we complete each other in ways that no other person could.
Obviously, I love my husband and he is the love of my life but I did have another love between high school and my very early twenties. I still think of him occasionally with great fondness and, even more rarely, wonder what my life would like now if I had followed that path. I determined that we probably would not have gone the distance because we were so very different – so obviously I made the right choice for me. I’m not in contact with him or his family but I do know that he’s been married for probably about as long as I have and has some children; so I’m guessing he made the right choice for him.
That was a great, thought-provoking post, Suzanne. I loved it. I absolutely believe you can have multiple soulmates – men and women, platonically and romantically. I also believe that there are multiple people out there for a person (because can you imagine if your person lived on a different continent and you never got to meet them?).
I only had one relationship before I met Jon and we were together for 9 years (16-25), and I still think of him as a soulmate and one of the best people I know. I have often contemplated what would have happened if we’d stayed together and – you’ll be surprised – I am still in touch with him 20 years after breaking up. It’s not a close relationship by any means anymore, but we check in on each other occasionally and I like that. I have nothing but fond memories and it’s not impossible to keep in touch with an ex, if the circumstances are right.
Thanks, San! How lovely you keep in touch with your ex. Sometimes people are in your life for a reason even if they aren’t “the” person.
Currently, I’m very much in love and have been for most of my life.
I don’t belive in the One True Love thing. I mean, what if your one true love lives in Budapest, and you never get to Budapest?
I’m with you on Soul Mates; they can be your best friend, work friend, or spouse.
I really enjoyed this post and all the comments! I’ve just recently been introduced to this idea — that there’s not just one out there for you…that there are different “the one” people in different stages of your life! I was talking to some friends and we somehow got to talking about it — and they said that “the one” from your high school isn’t going to be “the one” in your adulthood if you miss the opportunity to meet or make it happen in high school. I found that thought very interesting and can get with it.
My husband was my first love — my one and only romantic love. I do have a large family and a small circle of close friends and agree that your spouse isn’t necessarily your one and only soul mate.
I can finally make a reasonable contribution to a comment thread! Check out this beautiful post on John O’Donohue and the concept of “Anam Cara”, or “Soul Friend”. 🙂 I think you might find it speaks to your thoughts on soul mates…
https://www.themarginalian.org/2015/08/12/anam-cara-john-o-donohue-soul-friend/
Honestly I do not know (or I need to think on it longer). I have been heartbroken twice and with both I had a romantic visualization of growing old together. Now looking back I know it would have not worked. It was teenage love I guess. Now I am in adult love and that has only happened once and I married that guy. He is pretty cool and the best choice.