I mentioned yesterday that I went to Costco over the weekend. AFTER I went to the grocery store. Let’s be clear: this is not my idea of fun. Even in The Before Times. But my husband is only home to stay with Carla on the weekends, AND he was on call the previous weekend, AND school doesn’t start for another week, AND this weekend is Labor Day and you can bet your sweet patoot I am not setting foot in a Costco on Labor Day Weekend, AND I was really in need of some things only Costco can provide.

I felt very panicky almost from the moment I pulled into the parking lot. My grocery store had been less crowded than normal on Saturday. Plus, my grocery store still claims to have a 100 person limit on customers (although I noticed that there was no staff member counting people as they entered), so even on crowded days it doesn’t feel crowded. But Costco seemed as busy as it ever was in The Before Times. They have stopped limiting the number of people who come in at a time. They have stopped wiping down the carts. Basically, it is January 2020 up in there and I am Not A Fan. I mean, they do require masks, so that’s SOMETHING.

The meat section was particularly hyperventilation-inducing. SO MANY PEOPLE, crowded around the meat. Seriously. I am very bad at estimating numbers of people in a group, but I BET it was at least 50 people, all right there, milling around between the street tacos case and the baked goods. I think they were waiting for the next batch of rotisserie chickens to be ready? I grabbed some ribs (three-rack-pack, baby) and got the hell out of there.

Still no sanitizing wipes, but I did buy paper towels and toilet paper for only the second time since the pandemic began, so at least we know their stuff LASTS.

I also stocked up on Mochi (for Carla) and chicken melts (for my husband) because I am totally incapable of visualizing the capacity of our overburdened freezers.

I tried to get out of Costco as quickly as possible. I mean, that’s always my goal, but now I feel like I’m in a video game where I’m darting in and around aisles while trying to stay at least six feet away from people who are a) stopped in the middle of the aisles or b) completely oblivious to the whole distancing part of social distancing. Next to the meat section, the worst part was the checkout. The staff was really churning people through, but there were huge lines of people, none of whom seemed aware of the tape on the floor marking out how far apart we should stand.

I was standing in line when a staff member approached and addressed the couple behind me.

“I just want to say again,” he said pleasantly but firmly, “that we need you to wear your masks over your noses.” The couple complied, the staff member left, I went about hauling my butter and seltzer water onto the conveyor belt, thinking, “Again?”

While the checkout person was scanning my items, I glanced at the couple behind me. BOTH PEOPLE were once again wearing their masks over their mouths only. Both were also wearing what I might describe as a smug, self-satisfied look on their faces. WTF?

I did not confront them, although I considered it. However, I have seen enough viral videos to know I do not want to appear on one. And that most viral videos seem to originate in Costco or Wal-Mart. And I know myself well enough to know that “cheerily noting that their masks have fallen off their noses” would come out not “breezy and helpful” but “shrill and judgmental.” So I simply stared at them. The male half of the couple made eye contact a couple of times, and eventually moved his mask up to cover his nose. Never underestimate the power of a steely stare, I guess.

Behind my steely stare, I was SO FURIOUS.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?????????? This is the motto of 2020, right? Like, I can, in some distant part of my brain, understand disagreeing with the mask mandate. But I cannot for the life of me understand how people cannot put themselves out for a few minutes out of respect for other people. I just don’t get it! If my daughter’s grandparents can wear stocking feet for a week while they visit us – even though they Do Not Understand Our No Shoes In The House Rule At All – then you can wear a mask during your Costco run.

Also, forgetting entirely the concept of respect, which so many many many people seem to have done, what about the fact that it is a LAW, currently, in our state, to WEAR A MASK? Maybe I can, again in some deep dark place in my brain, sympathize with the prospect of not caring about other people as much as you care about yourself. But the LAW? Purely for the sake of self-preservation, wouldn’t you want to COMPLY with the LAW?

Okay, okay, maybe a statewide mask order is not the same thing as an actual law. I don’t know what repercussions there are for violating the order. But I do know that in MY MIND there is No Difference. Just follow the mask mandate! It is NOT HARD! You look like an asshole when you purposefully, extravagantly, and smugly mis-wear your mask! After being asked repeatedly to wear it correctly!

Do people really care SO LITTLE about giving off I Am An Asshole vibes? (Yes.)

Deep, cleansing, steadying breath.

I cannot control other people. I can only control how I act. And I will be wearing my mask and my steely stare where applicable.