Let’s say you are introduced to someone – through work, perhaps – with whom you will be interacting occasionally. A twice-monthly basis, let’s say.
Let’s also say that your interactions take place most frequently via email, although you see this person in the wild once every two months or so.
Let’s FURTHER say that you have now been working and communicating – primarily via email, but sometimes in person – with this person for, oh, eight months.
Now.
What happens if you find out – by looking closely at an email from this person and, for the FIRST TIME it seems, noticing the name’s exact spelling – that you have been misspelling AND mispronouncing this person’s name WRONG for the entire eight months?
I mean, obviously, you die of hideous, crushing embarrassment.
But, although dead in a heap of shame, smushed as flat as a very flat thing by the weight of your humiliation, you STILL have to interact with this person.
(And, just for high-pitched justification’s sake, let’s explain that the – PURELY HYPOTHETICAL – person’s name is uncommon but that it is ALSO very similar in appearance and pronunciation to a name that IS common. Or if not common, at least more common. For instance, the name might be Katarine, which looks and sounds very similar to Katharine. It is a difference of ONE SINGLE LETTER, after all!)
(And to continue our fist-clenching attempt to relieve some of the mortification of this long, drawn-out and repetitive mistake, let’s also remind ourselves that dear, sweet Katarine probably deals with this kind of misspelling/mispronunciation ALL the time, and you are just the latest in a long line of people who easily add an h where no h should be.)
(And let us add a plaintive howl to the heavens, in which we plead for mercy because who spells it without the h?) (Apparently more people than you might think.)
(ONE SINGLE LETTER!)
What would you DO in this case, Internet?
Option A: Would you apologize for the many months of calling poor Katarine by the wrong name? And, if so, would you do it by email… or during one of those rare times when you see dear Katarine in person?
Option B: Or would you simply Make The Switch, and start using her name properly from now on, pretending as though nothing had ever happened, as though you can wipe every intrusive h of the past eight months from her memory by going forward as though you’ve been doing it right all along?
I’m not saying that I – er, you – would choose Option A after already having put Option B into action. But I – by which I mean you – have been fretting about it nonetheless, especially on those days when an email from Katarine pops up in the inbox and requires a reply, or on those days when you have to see Katarine in person and look deep into her Accusatory Brown eyes and use your most cheerful “I Have Totally Known Your Name All Along!” voice and possibly start pronouncing “th” words without the h as though you have a very specific speech impediment that somehow translates into your writing as well. What I’m saying is, it would be good to know what to do should this ever happen again. (Wood board, Internet! Please do not let it happen EVER AGAIN.)
I feel as though I should be able to answer this question for myself, rather than pestering YOU about it (and sprinkling the internet with liberal handfuls of my own disgrace). Considering that people butcher my name (which is not exactly common, but not UNHEARD-OF and uses a standard spelling!) all the time, you’d think I would a) be VERY CAREFUL about spelling/pronouncing other people’s names correctly and b) have a ready answer for how to deal with someone who has been doing it wrong for long periods of time.
The fact is, people DO butcher my name and have for YEARS in at least one case. The Years-Long Name Butcher is not a BAD person – just not really the type of person who would notice the error in the first place, let alone apologize or make a purposeful attempt to say/spell my name correctly.
Of course, I have never once corrected this person. So it’s hard to say what the response would be if I did make a correction. To be fair to myself, I doubt it would make a difference. I am not so prominent on this person’s radar that a correction would stick.
Not that I would want anyone – Katarine included – to write me off as the kind of person who can’t be bothered with getting a name RIGHT. But I know it HAPPENS, and it doesn’t make me think LESS of those people. (Well, not much less.)
Well, it seems I am now simply meandering on without a destination. Devolution into aimless pointlessness seems as good a place as any to stop.
Oh, goodness. You had me in stitches again. I’m more of an Option B kind of gal…you know, pretend like it’s all good, while poor Katarine wonders if she’s crazy and has midheard you all of these months.
Speaking of misspellings….MISHEARD, not midheard! That one letter is tricky!
I only comment on occasion (I read though, really I do) but because people spell my name wrong ALL THE TIME I thought this would be a good post to weigh in on; or maybe not? It’s one of those names that could end with the letter I, Y, IE, EE and it makes me crazy when people spell it wrong! I guess it’s more when people make the assumption its spelled one way over another and don’t ask is that an I, Y, etc.? So, I am one of those things people who really try to take that extra step with other people. BUT, sh^t happens. If you’re asking what others would do, I say both A and B? I know real helpful, thanks. But allow me to explain. Start spelling it right, and pronouncing it correctly like you had planned, but, I would also say something. Make a joke of it (not about her or her name) and laugh @ yourself and she will probably laugh with you; followed by a heartfelt, “Don’t be silly, I get it all the time, I am just used to it and don’t even pay attention anymore!” And that will be the end of it! If she cared that much or it upset her that much, I AM CERTAIN she would have corrected you 7.5 months ago. I am sure this was as helpful as, well, I don’t know…….but just take it for what’s it’s worth…..probably, nothing, nada, zilch!
Totally Option B. If she is nice, you could tell her all about your really good friend Katherine the next time you see her and how obviously your fingers are so used to THAT name that you really hope you won’t keep accidentally typing her name wrong any more.
Someone I know doesn’t realize that Dibits is Dibits and calls her Tidbit. And I am called Jessica all the time. And oddly, once by email correspondence, someone attempted to guess my proper first name out of my email address and referred to me as Jene for the rest of the time he emailed me, even though I used Jennifer to sign every email I sent him.
I’d go with option A on this one. People don’t pronounce my name incorrectly, but they spell it incorrectly All. The. Time. It’s nice when someone says “I’ve been spelling your name incorrectly for the last few months and I’m so sorry” Because it’s been happening forever, I say “Oh don’t worry about it at all. It happens all the time” which is true, but it makes me feel better when someone acknowledges it, especially in a professional setting. And especially when my email address (with my name spelled correctly) is probably no more than 1 inch from away from where they are typing.
‘Knowing’ you, I’d say you’d feel a lot better about going with option A. With option B, everytime you see her or correspond with her you’ll be worrying ‘did she notice? did she not? I hope she doesn’t think I’m a loon’ etc etc. Option A takes care of all that.
Oh, I would say something. People used to call me “Steven!” ALL THE TIME at work and sometimes they would totally butcher my first name with a long A at the front. Trust me, this person has noticed.
I would email the person (and not add any other worky things in there, make the email about the name thing) and be all, “OH MY GOSH I AM SO EMBARRASSED I HAVE JUST REALIZED WHAT I’VE BEEN DOING, many apologies, etc etc etc.”
This way s/he isn’t put in the awkward position of having to say something like, “Oh, it’s okay!” if you call or do it in person and then it can be acknowledged and just die and everyone can move on.
It’s super not a big deal (to a normal person, because obviously mistakes happen) but trust me, s/he KNOWS.
Oh! I skipped ahead and then went back to read the rest and HA HA YOU ALREADY STARTED CALLING HER BY THE RIGHT NAME!
Um, well, consider my advice a “next time” thing then. Ha!
I think it is fine, fine, totally fine to just make the correction and go on. If someone were calling me Kristine in person and in writing, I would definitely notice; if they changed, I would notice that too and I would think, “Oh good! They noticed! I don’t have to keep wondering if I should correct them, and wishing I were the sort of person who didn’t care if my name was altered a little!”
But I would find it additionally charming if someone had first sent an email saying “OMG. I JUST REALIZED I HAVE BEEN WRITING AND SAYING YOUR NAME INCORRECTLY ALL THIS TIME. And I have a name that gets miswritten/mis-said all the time, so I should know better! I’m really sorry, and I hope that now that I’ve apologized in all-caps I will not go right ahead and KEEP writing/saying it wrong.” That would be kind of a BONUS to the just-correct-it-and-move-on solution, which would ALSO be fine.
Well I would say if over 8 months time they never corrected you, they probably are used to it and don’t really care considering the high level of infrequency you communicate. Since Plan B is already in effect I would just leave it at that. I think at this point it might be more awkward to apologize than to just leave it as it is. Unless you were to bring it up as casually as possible the next time you happen to see them in person with a ‘Oh and by the way, I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for having miss spelled/pronounced your name so long…etc.etc.etc.’.
I have a common name with a common spelling and it is constantly mispronounced to the most uncommon form of pronunciation and spelling, which I just don’t understand. I only correct it if I feel I will see or correspond with the person often. Sometimes it is too much effort to correct them.
I’d send a charming and extremely apologetic email. My name is Marisa, but I am always always always getting called Melissa, which is similar but not the same, truly. When people actually notice and apologize for making this mistake, I really love them for it.
I would just start doing it right and draw as little attention to the whole situation as possible. I have people mispronounce/misspell my name wrong ALL THE TIME and I get horribly anxious trying to decide if it’s worth a gentle correction or if I should just let it go. Mostly I just wish really hard they would notice on their own and start doing it right, so my vote leans heavily in that direction.
I have a name that can be pronounced two ways and mine is the less common pronunciation. People constantly call me by the wrong name (sometimes for years) even after being corrected (sometimes on multiple occations) by either myself or others. I ALWAYS notice and it ALWAYS bothers me – to me it’s the equivalent of calling someone named Susan something like Lisa.
That said, I would go with option B. I do notice and appreciate when people figure out the correct way but prefer not to have to do the “oh, it’s ok – happens all the time” disingenuous thing. I’d be happy you’d figured it out and move on from there.
My DH and I did this very thing – or a very similar thing – with our next-door neighbor. When we first moved into our house, we met him across the way in a breezy, “oh, hello! We’re the helloselfs,” and “hello, I’m Ronell.” Or, that was what we heard. We thought it was an interesting name but not exactly unheard of, or unbelievable — so for months we waved across the driveways, “oh, hi, Ronell!”
We found out at some point — I think it was that we accidentally got a letter of his in our mailbox — that his actual name is Ron Ellis. As in, RON. Just plain Ron.
We went for Option B and we still cringe every time we speak to him/think about it, and it’s 9 years ago now.
I called my husband the wrong name and spelled it wrong on notes I left him when we were dating. Granted, he has a very unique name, but I was HORRIFIED when I figured it out! I’ll email you about that too =).
I’d send an email (with correct name) and apologize for misspelling it. not like a drawn out apology, but more like, dear Katerina (I noticed that I’ve been misspelling it, sorry about that!) and then move on.
(guess who’s name is misspelled consistently? Although I don’t blame people for it, honestly. Catherine with a C but Kat with K is a tough one…. even after I’ve corrected a person 7 times….or they’ve known me for 5 years…..I’m not bitter)
(my husband was mispronouncing his ppl’s names (2 of them) for past 2 years…they finally called him out on it. He made it into this whole THING…now w all make fun of him)
No contest. Option B. She didn’t correct you, which means she is trying to avoid the embarrassment of Option A.
I did this – not the mispronunciation, but the misspelling over email – to someone I worked with for well over two years. When I realized with horror that her name did NOT have a u (Indian name that has a qe in the middle, but no u) I felt like SUCH an asshole. I emailed her and said oh my god, I am a total asshole, I JUST NOW REALIZED that I have been spelling your name wrong for YEARS? Um what is wrong with me? Can you please please forgive me? And she laughed about it and said it was no big deal. She probably still thought I was an asshole, but I think you need to call yourself out – it’s not like she hasn’t noticed, I’m sure!
As one with a slightly tricky yet common name to pronounce one of two ways, I’d go with Option A. But I have never minded when people use Option B for my name, either! So I’d say don’t stress because this person already knows or assumes it wasn’t intentional or mean-spirited anyway.
Because you have to speak with this person via emial or in person from time to time I am a fan of option A. I would email her explaining you just realized what an idiot you were, blah, blah, Not that YOU are an idiot just that I would say it that way to joke about how dumb I am to make it somewhat, albeit not very much, less embarrassing.
If it were someone you hardly even talked to or saw Option B would be fine.
Side story to make you feel better about yourself:
We just hired a new employee at work. I am HORRIBLE with names. I can recognize you after seeing you once, but a name? Yeah you can forget it. Anyways, her name is Polly, but for some reason I keep wanting to say Peggy. GENIOUS me actually called her Peggy to HER FACE WEEKS after she had worked here. Yes, I felt like a JACKA$$. Luckily, or not so luckily, I tend to say stupid stuff so I have learned to cover well.
If she was some random person I would have totally pretended it didn’t happen and more than likely make her think she is crazy.
Since I do have to see her 8 hours a day, 5 days a week I pulled the, oh my gosh, I am so sorry, I am horrible with names. Luckily she is a sweet lady and was not phased. I even lied to make it seem better and said people call me Amber all the time. Hahaha… they don’t but it sounded good and we bonded over that.
Anyways, after all that rambling also have to add I agree with another poster. Since she has not corrected in 8 months I am sure she is fine with it and used to it. If she was one of those people who freaked when you called her the wrong name I am sure she would have corrected you immediately.
If someone hasn’t corrected you, they don’t care. I correct people on my name all the damn time. If you’re saying/spelling it correctly now, let it go. I absolve you of all guilt!
I would acknowledge it but make a joke out of it and just say how mortified you are and that you cant believe she hasnt corrected you after all this time! She prob wont care and has prob gotten it her entire life but if someone had called me the wrong name for a year and then randomly started saying/writing it correctly, it would be obvious to me and the acknowledgement would make the sudden change less awkward.
If I had already gone down the path of B and not acknowledged that I was pronouncing it wrong, I would just continue! I’m afraid of confrontation.
I agree with the people who have said if she hasn’t corrected you, she probably doesn’t want to talk about it. She’ll definitely notice you’ve made the switch and bringing it up with her would just be redundant and put her in the position of having to assure you it’s ok.
I’m with Kat – a quick aside in parenthesis is what I would do AND appreciate (since it happens to me all the time).
I get annoyed when this happens to me in an e-mail conversation where I sign my name after every correspondence. eg,
“katharine, can you please fax me XYZ. thanks!”
“just faxed it, let me know when you get it! thanks! — katarine”
“got it! ill let you know if I need anything else, katharine!”
“please do. –katarine”
“oops katharine! i just remembered something else…”
the last time this happened to me, I increased the font size of my name gradually as she kept misspelling it. to no avail. This was probably a year ago and, obviously, i’m still talking about it. Had she acknowledged her mistake, I probably wouldn’t talk about her anymore 🙂