So this is going to be one of those posts where I tell you about how my husband and I approach a situation differently, and you tell me which of us is right(er). (I would like to note that Temerity Jane writes posts of a similar-but-much-funnier-and-more-enjoyable-to-read nature, and you should read them, but don’t do so whilst eating because you will choke on a grape and be unable to breathe long enough to have visions of your husband arriving home later that night to see his wife dead on the floor wearing grey sweat pants and a faded Pizza My Heart: Capitola t-shirt with a big wine stain on the front of it, not because she was drinking during the day but because she felt the shirt she stained with wine the night before constituted acceptable work wear, and you don’t really want that to be your husband’s last vision of you, right? I mean, wouldn’t you rather be in that dress that hugs all your curves in just the right way and makes your eyes stand out so that he would be immediately struck by your beauty and what a loss the world has just suffered? No? You [and your husband] aren’t that shallow? Okay then. )
Anyway, before I get to The Situation that you need to help me with, I need to back up a little.
Well, a lot. I need to back up to around 1994. Which is when I got my own phone line.
Listen, Internet, there used to be a time, many years ago (um, 1994, in case you weren’t listening before) (and really, I don’t blame you), when I LOVED to talk on the phone. My whole life pretty much revolved around the telephone. I would talk to my girl friends about boys we liked and to my boy friends about girls they liked and even though that’s barely two topics, it was pretty much the center of my universe and it occupied HOURS of my time. I don’t like to think of all the days and possibly MONTHS of my life I used up on rehashing Some Boy’s behavior in Social Studies or What to Wear to the Co-Ed Dance on Friday OMG What If Some Boy Is There?!?!?!
Now, if you are a doctor who is on call a few times a week and your pre-teen daughter is tying up the phone line at all hours of the day and night with super important giggling, you probably find it quite trying to have to deal with nurses and emergency room physicians yelling at you for hiding behind a busy signal when someone is BLEEDING or BURSTING FORTH WITH CHILD and a slightly-hysterical pre-teen daughter who can’t abide spending even an hour engaged in non-phone activity.
(Wow, as we’ve already had about 40 run-on sentences so far in this post, I can’t in good conscience recommend you read any further.)
Anyway, to put a stop to all the doctorly/nursely yelling and pre-teenagery hysteria, my parents got me my very own phone line. And by “very own,” I mean that I shared it with my brother. But he is six years my junior, which meant he was THRILLED about having a “kids’ line” but wasn’t really at an age where he talked on the phone. Six-year-olds aren’t really known for their deep existential discussions, you know?
(Thinking about this makes me realize that our hypothetical offspring will likely never know the joys of a kids’ line. Or a land line at all, for that matter.)
But this is all to say that there was a time when I was SO PUMPED when the phone rang. I’d hear my phone jingle upstairs in my bedroom and I’d leap out of my dinner chair or off the couch like some sort of Olympic athlete, tossing dinner plates and astonished-and-slightly-irritated cats off my lap to charge up the stairs three at a time and breathlessly hit “talk” before the caller hung up. (My parents were surprisingly tolerant of this behavior, by the way. Although in hindsight, I suppose this had more to do with me being a loser dork loner quiet child than with them actually understanding my desire to talktalktalktalk on and on until all hours of the night.)
I LOVED talking on the phone. And that love endured for YEARS. Until, I think, I got married. I don’t think being married KILLED my love of phone-talk, mind you. It just sort of happened at the same time. To be sure, there are a few people with whom I still engage in looooong, drawn out conversations. But not many.
You know what? You probably could have skipped all that and still made a reasoned, thoughtful decision about this post. I want to give you all the credit you deserve, Internet. And yet, I typed it, so there it shall stay.
So, as I mentioned, just there, about five sentences ago, I still have a few people in my life who are Long Phone Talkers. Do you have any of these people in your life, Internet? You know, the people who – when you are about to call them – you take a pre-emptive bathroom break, just in case? I can think of four of them. And that’s just in my personal life – my professional life is a whole different ball game. If by “ball game” you understand that I mean “three-hour mandatory and inescapable phone calls wherein I rue the day Diet Coke was invented.”
We are now, finally, about to get to The Situation.
When one of these Long Phone Talkers (henceforth LPTs) calls, my husband and I have wildly different approaches to answering the phone.
You see, sometimes it is just not a convenient time to settle in for a 50-minute discussion. Perhaps you are just making dinner or sitting down to dinner or watching a particularly pounding-heart-inducing episode of Rescue Me. Or perhaps you have spent three hours on the phone already that day and are certain that you have a raging case of ear cancer from enduring such close proximity to your cellphone for so long and just can’t fathom spending another SECOND on the PHONE OMG FTLOG.
So what do you do in that case? Well, one of us deals with this situation in the right way. Or, at least, the rightER way. And the other, if not straight-out WRONG, is at least less right.
One of us feels that it’s important to answer the phone and say, politely, “We are just sitting down to dinner, can I call you back when we’re done?”
The other of us feels that a ringing phone is not a burning house and does not need to be addressed immediately, or at all.
One of us feels that the LPT knows that we’re there, and so it’s a deliberate slap in the face to ignore the call.
The other of us feels that, what the hell do you mean “a slap in the face”? Maybe the phone is in the car or maybe one of us is in the bathroom or SOMETHING. The LPTs are not able to see into our lives, hello, no one is a witch with a third eye or something.
One of us worries, sometimes, that maybe a ringing phone is code for EMERGENCY! SOMEONE IS DYING OR ON FIRE AT THIS VERY INSTANT ANSWER THE PHONE NOW!!!!!!
The other of us sighs, loudly, in a world-weary way, and calmly notes that even if there WERE an emergency, there’s nothing we can do at that moment, considering that none of the LPTs lives in our city or even in our state. And also, if it were a TRUE EMERGENCY, wouldn’t the LPT be better off calling the police or a fireman or an attorney or something?
One of us wonders, loudly and a little bit grouchily, how freaking hard is it really to answer the phone and say a quick, “I’ll call you back”?
The other of us starts listing times when an LPT either didn’t hear or misinterpreted the answer or didn’t care that we were sitting down to dinner at that instant and so one of us was stuck on the phone, trying to get a word in edgewise to end the conversation as the food grew colder and colder or Tommy Gavin’s image grew closer and closer to becoming indelibly burned into our television screen.
Or – even worse – the other continues, one of us didn’t stop at “Oh, we’re just sitting down to dinner,” but instead went on to say something like, “So how was your day?” or “what’s up?” or something indicating that dinner’s imminence is not nearly as important as conversing with the LPT right then and there.
One of us just feels bad, leaving that dearly loved LPT, whose only hope was to hear a friendly voice, to hear nothing but the repetitive ringing of the phone, followed by a tinny “Leave your number and I’ll call you back” voicemail message.
The other of us turns around to disguise a “you are clearly a narcissist” eye roll and points out that the LPT doesn’t always answer HER phone, you know. And when that happens, YOU don’t collapse on the bed in a forlorn heap of tears.
And back and forth we go, every single time an LPT calls during an inopportune time.
Clearly one of us is righter than the other here, Internet. Yes?
What is proper phone-answering etiquette, when you aren’t able to talk but the phone is ringing anyway, and on the other end is a much-beloved person whose only fault is extending a phone call into a Count-of-Monte-Cristo-length epic conversation?
Please tell me, Internet. In exchange, I promise not to call you at dinner time.
I can’t let a phone ring endlessly without going crazy… so I’d pick up the phone and let them know that I’d rather call them later. That’s what my dad did if someone called while we were having lunch/dinner/etc. (Sidenote: I hate it when people pick up their cell phones and start talking in the middle of lunch/dinner. That, too, comes from my family I think… I mean, I understand if it’s an emergency, but it’s not. Ever.)
Oh and when I call a friend to have a Long Talk, I give them the heads up and ask them if it’s a good time to call because I’m about to rant a little, so they can just answer me honestly!
I personally have no problem not answering the phone. I also HATE talking on the phone… minus a few people who I can talk to for a long time… there are only two of them though. If it’s super important they will leave a message and I think that is totally ok.
Omg kid lines! Loved it! I think it would depend on my mood who is right-because sometimes I’m in the mood to talk to them, and other times it annoys me, so…,Mostly tho, I ignore it and call them back.
The right way is to not answer the phone. That’s the way to communicate “I’m not available to talk on the phone right now”—and voice mail takes care of worrying that it’s an emergency.
But I say this from the point of view of someone who has Longtalkers who say “Okay, I’ll just tell you what it’s ABOUT so you know what TYPE of thing it is” and “Well, you don’t need to call me back, I just wanted to tell you one thing.” And from the point of view of someone who, if she gets voice mail, leaves a message—whereas if she gets someone who tells her she’s interrupting, feels unhappy about having interrupted.
I would DEF just ignore the call. You’ll still call back later.
Well, first let me say–I do understand the ”love of the phone”….once upon a time, I too felt the same…now, with time being so precious–I do pick and choose when and whom I spend precious phone time… I think there is nothing wrong with waiting to listen to call, until you are not busy. Other than a medical emergency, what else cannot keep for an hour or two??
If one is so concerned with hurting others feelings–you may want to develop some kind of ”code system” with close family/friends…if it is TRULY important, an emergency–than they can text an ”SOS” of sorts if they do not reach you…
We definitely have a no-answer system at our house, but we only have cell phones so always know who is calling. Plus if it is ever a real emergency, I’m pretty sure any of our friends or family would call constantly, leave messages, or text us. I am really terrible at screening my phone calls!
I don’t really think either approach is wrong. But I don’t answer the phone when I can’t talk. Of course, I rarely answer the phone anyway, so people are used to not being able to get me.
Growing up, if we were eating dinner/ lunch, we didn’t answer the phone. And I still abide by that today. If I’m doing something where I won’t be able to talk, I don’t answer. That’s what voicemail is for; to say you are unavailable to speak. Not that you don’t want to, or can’t, or aren’t there, simply that at this moment, you can’t talk.
And it is NEVER an emergency. But if it were, they would be calling non-stop and I’m sure the incessant ringing would clue you in.
I’m a firm believer that the phone is there to serve me; I am not at its beck and call. I rarely answer my phone (which drives my mother crazy). If someone has something important to say, they can leave a message and I’ll call them back when I’m in the right frame of mind to talk. As you might be able to tell, I’m not really fond of talking on the phone.
Also, the thing I wanted most in life right about 1994 was my own phone line…or even just a phone in my own room. I had the phone all picked out in my head – one of those clear phones with the colored inside parts.
I am sure that is why we have voicemail! My sister is a LPT, at least an hour. If I don’t have an hour, I don’t answer. She’ll leave a voicemail if it is anything earth shattering. I’m not a big phone talker any way, and never have been. Isn’t that why the internet and text messaging was invented, so we don’t have to endure speaking to each other anymore?
I’m guessing you are the one who feels the need to answer the phone here? My personal opinion is that you ignore it. We only have cell phones at my home so we know who is calling and the only call that I ALWAYS answer is my mom. Other than that, leave a voicemail and if you are lucky I might just call you back.
My husband, on the other hand, feels like he has to answer his phone. And this is particularly annoying in that it is always his dad and always during dinner. I have heard him tellhis dad that we are in the middle of eating and his dad will talk for another ten minutes! So yeah, that’s a big fight in our household.
I have to agree with those that ignore the call. If you’re in the middle of something it is perfectly ok to not answer the call. On the flip side, if I’m calling someone and they can’t take my call, I just prefer that they ignore the call. Sometimes when they answer and say, “I’ll call you back,” I’m always left to wonder: well, ok, when? I think ignoring the call is an “understood” way of stating that you are currently occupied and will call back at a later time.
I totally ignore the call and just call them back later.
I do not answer the phone if I am in the middle of something or just don’t feel like talking to that person at the moment. As other people have said, that is what voicemail is for. If the reason for the call was important/quick question/emergency/etc., they will leave a message. No message to me implies “call me back whenever, I just wanted to chat.” If no message is left, I do not feel inclined to call back if I don’t feel like chatting. So, to answer and say “Oh, we are just eating dinner, I can call you back later?” that locks me into a near-future conversation I might not want to have. Also, if someone I called answered the phone and immediately said they couldn’t talk for whatever reason, my first thought would be “then why the hell did you answer your phone?” So, in conclusion. Owning a phone does not mean you have accepted the responsibility of answering it’s every ring. I do not think this is rude, it’s just you living your life.
I hate talking on the phone. I hate voicemail even more. This leads to a problem as I do not answer the phone when I don’t feel like talking. I can see who has called and will call them back at a time I’m available. But then some people leave a voicemail I have to check and I loathe that. Especially when the message is “Hi, it’s soandso. Just calling to say hi.” GRRR.
If it’s my family and it’s an emergency, I have no doubt they will call me (and then my husband) endless times until they reach us.
First, I am SO jealous you had your own phone line! I BEGGED for one for YEARS and my parents never caved. My dad also had a job that would require middle-of-the-night phone calls, so when I started hoarding the phone they finally sprung for call waiting. So when I was on the phone at 1 am and work called for my dad I would have to yell at whoever I was talking to HANG UP! QUICK! Sigh. You’re right, our kids will probably never know the joy of this.
I am a not-answer-er. I feel like it’s more rude to actively say “I don’t have time for you” (even though that’s not what I mean, of course, I’m just busy) than to just not answer the phone and call them back when I can devote my attention to them. Also, I mostly hate the phone and my kids NEVER let me have enough quiet to have a conversation, so most people just text me anyway.
There are a lot of times when I don’t have the time/energy to conduct a long conversation. I let the phone go to voicemail–which hasn’t had any terrible consequences yet–and call that person back. If they don’t answer, the world goes on turning and we catch up eventually.
Clearly the correct answer is to pick up and politely tell the caller that you will call them back. However, I do the other one 🙁 the hubs and I actually have different views on this too and there are MANY times when he ends up tied up on the phone while I am angrily tapping my fingers and making horrible evil faces at him and dramatically sigh about my dinner getting cold.
This situation is why God gave us voicemail – and Caller ID. And speaking as one who spent the majority of her life without either, they are both worth their weight in gold!
I believe that technology should serve us and not put constraints on the day to day movement of our lives. If the phone rings, and I’m busy, then I don’t answer it. People know I’ll call them back when I have some free time – and if it’s important, they leave a voicemail. More frequently, my friends & family will text or email me – the older we get, the busier our lives are, so this has become the easiest way for us to all stay in touch when we’ve got too much going on to chat for hours.
I would never be mad at someone for not answering when I called and I would hope vice versa – it would be so stressful fearing judgment every time my phone rang!
The joy of the cell phone is that you can silence it and don’t have to continue to listen to it ringing over and over, which in the case of a landline you can’t do. So, in the case of a landline I would answer because I feel rude ignoring the ringing, in the case of the cell phone I would silence it and call the person back at a more convenient time. I don’t think either is right(er) though, I think they’re both acceptable responses to an inconvenient phone call. Sorry!
If I’m having dinner or talking with my husband or someone else, I think it is rude to answer the phone, so I let it go. If I’m just watching a show or something, I think it’s ok to answer and tell the person I’ll call them back.
I let the phone ring anytime I don’t want to answer it! If it is an emergency, they will call again. If it isn’t, they can leave a message or send me a text. However, I don’t know that there is a right or wrong here…I think it is based on what YOU feel is right. BUT if you choose to not answer, you shouldn’t feel guilty!
i almost always let it go to voicemail. i can always call them right back.
Don’t answer it! You aren’t able to talk, so let the call go to the answering machine/voice mail. I’ts OKAY to do what you need to do. 🙂
Don’t answer, it’s rude to your spouse. You are in fact telling your spouse that the person on the phone is more important than them EVEN if you just pick up to say, “This isn’t good.” If you don’t pick up they already know it isn’t a good time.
You are righter! (I think.)
My friend Kacie is a LPT and there are times when she calls, I look at my phone, and I say aloud, “I just don’t have time [sometimes TWO HOURS!] to talk to Kacie right now.”
And I have told Kacie this! She understands completely.
Hmm…this is hard for me to respond to because I’m normally switching my thoughts on this depending on the time of day, what we’re doing or how my day was. Most of the time I’ll at least pick up but if I miss it, I don’t take it as being the end of the world. I consider the phone to be a convenience which I love, but it’s not the end-all. If we’re in the middle of eating I don’t ever pick up (it was something I was brought up NOT allowed to do…it killed me to listen to the phone ring while I had to sit at the table!) but Russ will pick up without even thinking about it. It bothers me, but it’s something I’ve accepted is something their family does (his dad will pick up and talk in a restaurant…which gets me fuming) so I realize it’s personal preference.
I loved reading all the responses, though! I love how everyone is different for different reasons 🙂
There is definitely a right way to handle this – don’t answer the phone. This is a debate that I’ve had with my mother. Sometimes, I’m not in the mood to chat on the phone – even for 10 minutes – and sometimes I’m busy. I do not keep my phone on me at all times, and my husband and I frequently silence our phones – so we don’t know they are ringing. I hate when people answer their phones when they are busy – my mother will be doing a millions things, and she’ll stop everything to answer the phone – but then she’s too distracted to talk to the person – drives me nuts! I also schedule my long calls – usually via text – “do you have time to catch up today?” – but basically, don’t answer the phone. I hate being “on call” to my phone. Nothing is that urgent – and if it is, they can send a “911” text so you call back asap. True story – I was with my mother and she called my brother in front of me. He didn’t answer and then I watched her call him again, and again, and again – I asked “what are you doing?” – and she said, “you always need to call him 4 times before he picks up.” WHAT!? I told her that she should call once, leave a message, and text – call me tonight when you have a minute. Crazy!
I’m one of those people that just don’t answer! Sometimes I don’t feel like talking, or am busy (with dinner, etc.), or am sleeping. You can always call them back!
I would pick up the phone to make sure it wasn’t an emergency but get off the phone as quick as possible when it was just for a quick, or long, chat.
Ha! My husband and I greatly differ in this answer too. I’d answer the phone, explain we’re about to eat and get off the phone (although, admittedly, occasionally talk much longer than the ‘I’ll call you back!”) and T finds it incredibly rude to answer the phone during dinner/while getting dinner ready and would have me ignore the phone until we’re done. 🙂
I’m an ignorer. For several reasons, the main one being that my one long phone call person is my mother and she doesn’t understand the concept of “I’ll call you back.”
I just let the phone ring if I know I don’t have the time to talk at that particular moment. If I reverse it, honestly I’d feel slightly offended if someone I called picked up just to say “Sorry, can’t talk to you right now – there’s something more important going on in my life at this very second”. Even though they wouldn’t say that (or at least I’d hope not), that’s the way it would sound to me. So I’d feel much better about getting their voicemail than hearing that.
Maybe I just have a huge fear of rejection though – and so I never want to put someone else in that position either. I just let it ring until I can call them back.
I don’t pick up. It is rude to the person you are spending time with.
I always get so annoyed at people who answer the phone only to say I have to call you back–can’t talk now. I think that the act of answering the phone says that you want to speak with that person, especially in today’s world of caller ID. If you don’t want to speak to me let me leave a message on your voicemail and when you do want to speak to me call me back.
On the other side my sister always always answers the phone for her boyfriend. And then proceeds to have at least a ten minute converstation with him, usually longer. This drives me nuts because she sends the message that the people that she is physically with aren’t important to her. That spending time with me isn’t something she wants to do. And it kinda hurts that she will completly drop everything to talk with him, even at my expense.
I think that you should only answer if you are willing to put the time forth to have a real converstation.
Totally an ignorer. a) It says that the phone call is more important than whatever you are doing, which is probably not the case. b) They’ll leave a message and if it’s really urgent, I can call back immediately.
I must admit that I am totally an ignorer. Mainly because I don’t like confrontation and I’d rather call back when I actually have time to talk. Also, I just don’t really like to talk on the phone, so there’s that too. 😉
Does your husband answer his cell phone when you’re out to dinner? When your parents are over to dinner? When he’s in the bathroom? When you in the emergency room? (I’m hoping the answers to all of these scenarios are no.)
Just because a phone rings doesn’t mean a phone gets answered. I’m totally an ignorer. I have several LPTs in my life and I, too, wait to call them back when I have a spare hour to devote to a LONG phone conversation. My husband and I treat our cell phones as much like landlines as possible, which is to say, we only answer them when we 1) are at home and 2) have time to talk. Keeping it real like it’s 1992.
I just ignore it. I’m a bad person, but I always figure they’ll leave a voicemail if it’s an emergency. I also just simply hate talking on the phone in general, though, I used to love it. I can’t believe you had your own phone line! I would have died for that back in the day.
This post is hysterical – primarily the part about the preemptive bathroom break. I have to do that with my best friend. (your next post should be about whether it is ever okay to use the bathroom while on your phone in your own house if on a call with someone for 3 plus hours and they don’t know- but that would be a rousing discussion!)
Anyways, I am the queen of not aswering my phone. I like to talk on the phone but only when its convenient for me. And quite frankly, I ahve so many people call me during the day (note: not that popular, jsut randomly) that I would be on the phone all the freaking time if I answered every call. So I ignore calls a lot and call back when its convenient for me. The only exception to that rule is my husband, who I always pick up the phone for becuase I don’t mind being rude ot him and saying “I can’t talk right now.”
So which side was righter? I hope you tell us in a follow up post.
I HAVE ALREADY WRITTEN THAT POST!!! I just thought it was so… crude, I guess, that I haven’t posted it. But I will now!
LOL Great post! I just stumbled across your blog, btw, and I like it. 🙂
To answer the question . . . I’d let it ring. If the LPT is having an emergency they will leave a message. The one worried about an emergency can simply check the voice mail and ease his or her mind.
I’m a phone-avoid-er. At this point in my life I simply don’t have time to talk on the phone. Ever.
I have no problem letting it go to voice mail. I do usually answer when it’s my husband, but otherwise, I call back when it’s convenient. Honestly, I’d rather no one ever picked up the phone when they saw it was me if they were just being polite. Let’s talk when we both want to and feel free to ignore each other when we don’t. It’s not personal, I just have people-limits, once reached, I shut down and don’t want to talk to anyone.
My husband and I have this same problem. I have long-distance friends, so pretty much it is always going to be a long conversation when they call. If I’m sitting down to dinner, or if I JUST DON’T FEEL LIKE TALKING (valid, yes?), I won’t answer the phone. Husband says, “What if it’s IMPORTANT?” She lives 1500 miles away. If it’s important, she’ll call someone else.
However, one of those said friends, if she’s in a situation in which she can’t talk, she’ll pick up the phone and –instead of saying even HELLO– will say, “OMGI’MATTHE_______LEMMECALLYOUBACK.” Which I feel is rude. I’d rather you not answer the phone, than answer it, shout at me about where you are and why you can’t talk right now, and hang back up.