Listen, you don’t want to hear me bitch and moan about how I am working 12-hour days most days and occasionally 16-hour days other days. And how the laundry that I did a week (two?) ago is STILL sitting on the couch, clean and unfolded. And how my husband is ALSO working all these hours and we never see each other. And how making dinner three times last week was my Big Non-Work Accomplishment. And how there’s no end in sight.

So let’s talk about the only thing that I do when I am not working, which is watch an occasional TV show during dinner with my husband or during lunch when I am forcing myself to take a break before my head explodes or during the far-too-infrequent occasions when I make it to the gym.

Well, I managed to do a whole lot of bitching and moaning right there, didn’t I?

But now I’m done. Let’s talk about TV.

– Is anyone watching Audrina? I have caught an occasional 10-minute block of it before I get bored and change the channel.  I always liked Audrina on The Hills. Firstly, she’s beautiful despite looking a bit vacant around the eyes and I am always curious about beautiful people. Secondly, she was always falling for and swearing off that Justin Bobby character, which is a very human thing to do. And I know she was on a “reality” show and should have therefore been ACTUALLY human… but there wasn’t much about that show that was real, including most of the characters’ (?) skin tones and/or hair. So I liked seeing her struggle in a very real way with trying to balance being in love with freeing herself from a guy who comes across as kind of a jerkface.

I didn’t actually like seeing her struggle, you understand. I’m not a sadist. What I liked was feeling that sort of camaraderie that comes with watching someone go through something you can understand because maybe you went through it yourself. (I never actually did the go out/break up/go out/break up dance with any guy, but I certainly fell for my share of jerkfaces.)

– On one of the times when I tuned into Audrina, she was working out with her mom. And the trainer was a dude wearing eye makeup and a sports bra. And I thought that was very… odd.

The sports bra part.

Listen, I don’t care what you wear. If you’re a dude and you want to wear a tutu and/or lacy underpants, more power to you. If you’re a chick and you want to sport a thick beard or a Fu Manchu mustache, go for it. And some judiciously applied makeup can make ANYONE look younger and more bright-eyed. I think you need to wear what makes you feel comfortable and beautiful, whatever that is.

But… A sports bra has a purpose. So… I can’t really understand why a dude would wear one. It’s not like sports bras are pretty. Or flattering. (Well, on people with actual chest action, they can be flattening, but that’s not the same thing.)

Anyway, I got really distracted by this Pilates trainer in an unnecessary sports bra… And then Audrina’s mom – who is 47 and has four children, just FYI – said “ValenTIMES” – as in, “Do you have anything planned for ValenTIMES day?” – and I had to turn off the TV.

– One reason I love to watch reality shows is because the people on them FASCINATE me. But, admittedly, I spend a lot of time judging them. And making snarky comments inside my brain. Or out loud to… the TV. And that’s not really the best use of my time, I don’t think.

I bring this up because I just said something snarky about Audrina’s mom. I don’t even KNOW the poor woman. I only know the few snippets of her I’ve seen on the teevee. So let’s see if I can at least balance out the snark with something positive…

Well, let’s see, she has a kick-ass body. Seriously. I am 17 years her junior and I could only DREAM of a body like that.

There. Does that balance out the fact that I judged her for saying “ValenTIMES”?

– You know a job I’d really like? Being the guy who picks shows for those marathons on TNT and USA and such. You know – the marathons of Law & Order of every type… Or House… Or Monk… Or Frasier. Whatever. I would love to be the person to pore over a dozen seasons of a show I love and find silly themes around which to base a marathon. Aha! Let’s do a Law & Order: SVU marathon where Eliot flies off the handle! We’ll call it the Pushed to the Brink Marathon! Or let’s do a marathon of Frasier episodes where a humorous misunderstanding occurs! Or let’s do a CSI marathon all about Grissom and Sidle’s evolving romance!  That would be super awesome.

– I wonder how rock stars and the like feel when their songs are used as the themes for TV shows. I suppose it’s a good way to get one’s song on the airwaves. Although I’ve never actually purchased a song – or really, even looked it up – after hearing it open a TV show. Even if I really LIKE that TV show. Singing along with the Who’s the Boss theme is one thing. Going out and buying the song to listen to while doing non-TV-watching activities is something totally different.

Plus, I think that the song gets all mixed up with the show and, instead of evoking the band or the singer, it evokes the show. Like when someone on American Idol recently sang the Carole King ditty “Where You Lead” and I immediately shrieked, “It’s the Gilmore Girls theme song!!” If I were Carole King, that would irritate me.

(Which is not to say that there’s anything wrong with Gilmore Girls, by the way. Because MAN do I love that show.)

Plus, I’m not sure if I’d necessarily like my music being associated with whatever the show was about. The CSI shows all have theme songs by The Who, which I love. But I admit that when I hear them on the radio, I immediately think, “Oh! Someone’s going to get murdered!” and I’m not sure that’s really what Pete Townshend had in mind. (Also, that H in Pete’s name is making me cranky. It seems purely superfluous.)

– Speaking of CSI, I always wonder if it’s very hard to get a job as one of the dead bodies on those shows. Certainly, if the dead body is going to be laid out in her underwear, getting the job might be a SMIDGE more difficult. But I’m not sure if it requires major acting chops to lie there all motionless and blue. (I’m not saying it’s EASY to get that job. It just seems like it would be easiER than other acting roles.)

– I’ve always thought that I would make for a good victim on CSI or Law & Order or whatever. I have a scar that seems like it would lend itself well to Only Woman Who Lived After Encounter with Serial Killer or, if I had any acting talent, Murderer Who Has Gotten Revenge for That Time Someone Tried to Kill Her Years Ago.

– You will not be surprised, I don’t think, at least given the last few paragraphs, to learn that the most recent show my husband and I have added to our DVR is The Killing. I quite like it. For one thing, the acting is very good – there have been a few really raw scenes of the victim’s family that have made me all teary – and for another, I have no idea what’s going on.

Usually, I can predict what’s going to happen very early on. Directors or screenwriters or whoever are in charge leave clues along the way, so that the viewer can say “Aha! So that’s why there was that odd shot of the wife looking longingly at her husband’s secretary!” when it’s finally revealed that the wife and the secretary are having a steamy affair and conspired to kill the husband together. And over many, many (MANY) years of watching cop and detective and murder shows, I have finely-tuned Whodunit sensors.

But The Killing is pretty good at blocking my sensors, so far. I suspected that one guy was too good to be true, and it turns out he was. (Although I still think he may be a red herring.) And I knew that one of the victim’s relatives would go all vigilante at some point. But other than that, I can’t really guess what’s going on! Which is frustrating, because I like to know. But it’s also keeping me glued to the set.

– My husband, by the way, does not take as much delight as I do in predicting the endings. While I grew up in a family who ALL enjoyed predicting the endings – often out loud during the show – my husband doesn’t like to think about what’s going on and what that could mean for the outcome. He prefers to enjoy a show minute-to-minute. So much so that I was banned from talking at all during the whole series of 24 because I kept guessing things correctly and ruining the surprise. Well, my talking ban did not extend to making exploding noises at random or to mimicking Jack by growling, “Set up a perimeter. There’s no time – I need you to trust me. It’s our only hope.”

– We still make exploding noises at random. Even when we’re watching, like, Parenthood. Or The Office.

– If you are easily annoyed, you should probably not watch TV with us.

– The show my husband and I are most excited about these days is Friday Night Lights. This is the last season, and it’s being rebroadcast on NBC.

We LOVE that show. YOU will love that show, if you haven’t seen it. And if you haven’t seen it? WATCH IT NOW. You will not regret it.

How can I be so sure? Two words: Tim Riggins.

Okay, but there’s a LOT of other things to love about it. Like really great, real characters. (Except for Lila. I think she is so WOODEN. And I originally thought that was because she was a crappy actress, but I don’t mind her so much on Parenthood. As… whatever her character’s name is.) And engaging story lines. (Although one major plot point from Season Two – that would HAUNT me, if it happened in real life – gets totally dropped from subsequent seasons.) And some seriously great writing. The speeches Coach Taylor gives to his players? Inspirational and tear-jerking.

– Eric and Tami Taylor may be my all-time favorite TV parents. I love me some Lorelai Gilmore, and Clair and Cliff Huxtable are pretty amazing. But Eric and Tami just seem so… real. Real, likeable, genuinely good people you’d enjoy living next door to.

Okay, that’s all I have to say about TV at the moment. But I do enjoy discussing it. Especially if it involves Tim Riggins.