I haven’t done a Rules for a Happy Marriage post in a long, long time.
This year made me rethink a lot of what I thought I knew about love and marriage. It’s not that my faith in MY marriage was shaken. It’s that my faith in my ability to know what’s RIGHT was shaken.
But I started this little series not because I think I’m some sort of marriage expert. I mean, that would be pretty ridiculous of me to claim any modicum of expertise, considering we’ve only been married for two years. I started this little series to remind myself of what’s working now. I think it will be fun to look back on these things in the future and laugh about how naïve I was… Or look fondly on something we’ve been doing for decades to make our marriage strong.
So here’s my first Rule for a Happy Marriage of 2011:
Don’t be a Golden Doodle.
Here’s what I mean…
My parents have this dog. (I have introduced you to him before.)
Isn’t he cute?
He’s a Golden Doodle and he’s incredibly sweet and he protects my mom from bears.
But he is a little… clingy.
Especially with my mom, who is his Best Friend in the Whole Wide World.
Any time she’s in the room, he’s right beside her. Any time she calls me on the phone, he starts barking because she’s not talking to HIM. Any time she plays with him, he gets this big goofy look of Ultimate Joy.
But basically, any time they are in the room together, my mom needs to be entertaining him.
(Unless he is flopped out on the floor, worn out from all the clinging. Or rabbit chasing.)
Ugh. Exhausting.
Well, sometimes I know exactly how he feels.
Like many people, my husband works long hours. Sometimes he’ll be gone for 30+ hours at a time. Sometimes he’ll work from 6:00 am to 11:00 pm. Sometimes he’ll have a week where he leaves before I wake up and doesn’t get home until 8:00 pm.
Throw in work travel for me…
And we don’t always get a lot of time together. (Thank GOD for electives.)
So sometimes I feel like I’m jumping all over him when he gets home… Panting “Pay attention to me! Pay attention to me! Pay attention to me!” I’ve been at home alone for lord knows how many days… and I’m lonely and missing him and all I want to do is spend one-on-one time with my husband.
But that’s not healthy.
Because HE needs alone time, too.
Just as I would go crazy if he were in my face 24/7… He would go crazy if he didn’t have a few hours to himself to check sports stores, listen to music, and browse mindlessly through Facebook.
No, I am not perfect when it comes to giving him space for his “me time.”
Sometimes I get pouty and frustrated. Sometimes I feel all “woe is me” that he’d rather be checking espn.com than hanging out with his wife. Sometimes I want to stomp my foot and demand that he focus on me me me.
But I think our relationship is stronger because we give each other space. When we do stuff together, we’re doing it because we enjoy being together. Not because one person is forcing other person into it.
I remember when my husband was in med school he had a classmate – C – who was also married. C was constantly complaining about his wife, who – according to C, at least – would pounce on him the instant he got back from class or a clinical rotation or a study session and get really mad if he wanted to have some personal down time. It sounded like they got into a LOT of fights about it.
My husband would thank me for not being like C’s wife. Sometimes he still brings it up: how lucky he feels that I give him time for himself.
Listen, I’m not BLAMING her. I get it. You married this person because you want to be with him. And I’m certainly not saying I know everything that went on in their marriage. I only know what my husband told me, second hand.
But I’ve found, in our marriage, that it’s important to resist that overwhelming need to spend every second together.
It’s not always easy. Okay, it’s USUALLY not easy. But I know I’m a happier member of our marriage because I have a life outside of “us.” And I think it’s only fair that I give my husband the same opportunity.
so true – but really there has to be a balance. You’re good for thinking about his needs of alone time, but hopefully he’s also thinking about how much time you’ve already spent alone. 🙂
Something that was challenging to me when I first got married was that my hubby would want to play video games, instead of watching TV or something that we both could do. A previous relationship of mine ended because of the guys inability to walk away from a video game. But eventually I figured out that the 2-3 hours a week my husband spends playing video games are his “down time” so even though I really have nothing to do while he de-stresses, I go hide out in another room so he doesn’t feel pressured to not play. Thankfully he is very mindful about how much time he spends playing. Plus – he’s a much happier person when he’s done! I guess it’s a win/win! lol.
I think you’re absolutely right. After almost 14 years of being together and 6 1/2 years of marriage, I still CRAVE time with my husband. We’re both full-time professionals (and parents of 2 little boys), so time is the most precious thing we’ve got. That being said, I like going up to our room at night for an hour, alone, to read or watch a girly show, or talk on the phone to my sister. And, he likes going for a run or watching football, or whatever it is that guys do!
I also think that even more important than alone time is not to begrudge time spent with friends. That’s even harder to concede, but (I think), equally important.
Also, I have a goldendoodle (bigger than your mom’s) and I think that clinginess must be a breed trait!
Yep, time with friends is absolutely important. I think I am fully unqualified to talk about that because, pathetic as it sounds, we don’t have a ton of friends. A side effect of moving every few years? A consequence of being fairly unsocial? Both?
So when one of us DOES have a chance to hang out with another person, it’s usually met with cheering from the other person.
I want to rub my nose in that dog’s belly. And tickle him. And play fetch with him. And possibly dognap him so he stays with me forevermore.
He loves you already.
This is a really great post. I used to joke that I wanted to marry a doctor because, How AWESOME, think of all my ALONE time!! But in practice I know it has to be difficult to balance giving him alone time when he needs it and still meeting your own needs for, you know, spousal interaction.
I’m really big on alone time, myself. I grew up as an only child so I had a lot of it, and while at the time I thought I hated it, it turns out that it’s vital to my sanity. My husband, on the other hand, grew up with three sisters in a small house so it’s not the same for him. I am learning to extricate myself when I need to. He doesn’t take offense, it’s just hard for me to know when I have to say, “OK, I’m going to go upstairs and be alone for a while…”
Also, I just want to echo NGS’ comment about the dog. I would ‘nuggle him all day long! He looks so freakin’ soft.
I like this. Very true of my marriage too. 🙂
And I love love love your momma’s golden doodle. He looks like a great snuggler 🙂
This is a fabulous post and I need to bookmark it to return to on days when I am the Golden Doodle. The boy works in politics- long hours, traveling during election years. Throw on me being and law school and it really sucks. It’s hard to resist that urge to want to spend every second together. I think the major adjustment we’ve made is learning to like each other’s hobbies. For example, I can now watch football for hours (omg, best stress reliever EVER, I was totally missing out before), and play video games (another great way to get out aggression), but he can also come to the park with me and hang out at the library.
But yeah. It’s hard not to be the golden doodle.
My husband’s on a VA ICU rotation this month, and Lordy did I need this blog post. I’ve been the most annoying, intolerable golden doodle over the past 3 weeks! And I’m independent! (Hell, you have to be to be married to a resident.) But I also know he needs his space to process all that he is seeing, and doing, and having to deal with. I try to find a balance, but it’s so hard sometimes.
I’m going to have to revisit this post in the fall when the hubs starts working 60+ hours per week (and, like you, I may be working from home and therefore won’t have human interaction during the day…). Thanks for the down-in-the-trenches words of wisdom.
Ohmygoodness, I could not agree with you more. My husband and I are both fairly independent people. However, I am a homebody who is content to curl up on the couch with a good book or a movie and my husband likes to GO GO GO. I think that some of our family and friends get concerned with how much time we spend apart (not that it’s any of their business), but I understand that he needs to work on the house and fish and hunt and play hockey in order to maintain his sanity. And I LOVE the time by myself. It may sound weird to some, but it works for us. If I forced him to stay at home as much as I do, he would go crazy, and if he forced me to go out and do all kinds of activities, I would hate it! For us, absense TOTALLY makes the heart grow fonder!
Also-we don’t have many friends either. I think it just gets harder and harder to maintain friendships the older you get. Life gets in the way.
I hope that once S and I are actually living in the same place I don’t turn into the Golden Doodle!! lol… I like that anology for sure.
I agree, they need their downtime – the same way that we need ours. It’s the fine art of striking a balance that makes marriages work so well (or not so well). Often easier said than done, but what a difference when it IS done right?
Really like this post!
It took Adam and I a little while to adjust to having alone time once we moved in together too. We felt weird at first both being home, but wanting to have our own space.
Now though we’re able to have one person upstairs, and another downstairs. Each doing what we need to decompress and relax. Then when we do sit down for dinner, or to watch a movie together, it’s because we want to spend that time together, instead of feeling forced.
A FANTASTIC marriage/living together tip if I do say so myself!
I love this analogy (and boy is that dog cute!)… but I think you have such a great point. It’s also good that you want to give and get space… being a doctor’s wife you need to be comfortable with both, right? 🙂
I’ve had to learn this as well. I make sure that he gets to go hang out with friends w/o me, even if I’m invited. He needs his friendships without me and needs to go have guy time. And he knows I sometimes just need alone time and time to just chill out.
Also, that dog is to cute. I would be the one wanting the dog to always play with me!
Agreed. I don’t even think I need to say more because you said it so well and I AGREE!
I deal with the same exact thing with my husband. I try really hard not to be an attention whore and give him “his time,” but it can he hard!
This is a good rule. Hilarious, because I just wrote a post about how I had a hard time leaving for work this morning because I am so tired of missing my husband. Luckily, he gets the whole day to himself before he leaves for the hospital so he is more than willing to wake up with me and eat breakfast then go back to sleep after I leave.
Thanks for the good reminder though : )
I like that you have a little ritual of togetherness. I think that’s just as important to a healthy marriage – to make time for you, together.
I have so been there. Totally.
But, then we had a baby.
Suddenly, roles switched. Totally.
He is always trying to get my attention, because I’ll give him all the time in the world to check scores and look for bikes for sale on craigslist.
Some one told him the other day, in response to my husband saying that we try to go out on a date every weekend, “Your wife doesn’t need you, she has the four kids.” He was so surprised by the comment, but a little comforted, he said, because he realized that other men feel neglected sometimes too.
Poor guy.
Your husband is lucky!!! … for now.
SUCH great advice and it’s funny cause I was just having this conversation with my co-workers. I feel this is even more important when you have one extrovert and one introvert in a relationship… I am constantly explaining to my boyfriend that I desperately NEED alone time or I will go crazy… especially being an ICU nurse and having people need you in life or death situations all the time… phew it can be exhausting and thank goodness for the moments by myself to decompress! Great post.
Great marriage advice. Giving each other space is wicked important. I know for a fact that I am NOT good at this. But reading through your post makes me think that maybe I should try a little harder.
That is such a good point – when you’re away from each other for a long stretch of time, it’s your tendancy to jump over the spouse when you see them again. I’m going to remember this when I feel the urge because I’m sure really what he’d like to do is sit on the couch without his wife hovering over him.
SO VERY TRUE. We’re still newlyweds BUT that doesn’t mean we need to spend every waking moment attached at the hip.
I know this post is supposed to be about marriage – but all I keep thinking is how STINKIN cute that dog is!!! That face….adorable!!!
And yes…alone time – all for it….but holy cutey patutey puppy dog!!!!
I found this blog recently, and have been reading it over trying to make up my mind about my relationship with someone who want to be a doctor or surgeon. And even though its true that we should not be clingy and have a life as well on a side. All I keep reading is that we should be sacrificing this and that because of the choice of their profession. I mean really a doctor is a slave basically. They work all hours non stop (I personally don’t think its health to be on a shift 30 hours straight or more) you are more likely to make mistakes. And as a patient I would not trust a doctor who has not slept in a while to make the right decision.
But back to my point, what about them being considered of his woman’s feelings and needs. Yes I can be alone, and I can find something to do during the day. But when it comes down to it certain needs need to be fulfilled, otherwise no matter how much you love someone if you are alone all the time what is the point of even being married to someone, may as well just live alone and go out and have fun every night.
I am sorry, I am torn between my feelings and babbling on and on. But doesn’t a relationship consists of two people, not one? I guess you make a choice then, you either take it and shut up about how lonely you are (because you did choose to be with him), or leave and find someone else.
I couldn’t agree more. I’m not sure how our marriage would work if we didn’t both have our alone time. Thankfully for us, I need a lot more alone time than Gabe does, so it works out perfectly (even though I miss him when he’s working). I love the way you compare it to your parent’s dog. Haha. Too cute.
xo
Valerie