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Saturday Randomosity – Swiffer Spider Slayer Edition

No one reads blogs on Saturdays. Also, it’s a holiday weekend, so if you ARE reading blogs, WHY? Go outside. Find a patch of sun and lie in it, even it’s a two-feet-by-two-feet square of sunshine on the sidewalk in front of your local hardware store. You can wear cut-offs and a tank top or you can wear a bikini, your choice. Hell, you can wear a purple boa and some parachute pants – I won’t judge.

But if you managed to sneak your iPhone out onto your Scooby Doo beach towel with you, here are some bullets for your weekend reading pleasure:

* I am not a fan of the Swiffer for cleaning floors. It doesn’t seem to do much. We have one of the long sweepers, and it can take either a wet cloth or a dry cloth. The wet cloth is too wet at first and makes the floor all slimy, but then quickly dries out and all of a sudden you’re not sweeping anything up anymore. But the dry cloth just seems to push things around. If I’m just going to push debris into a little pile, why can’t I do it with a cheap broom… or a paper towel?

My husband claims you have to take a two-pronged approach to Swiffering which involves starting with the dry cloth and then following up with the wet cloth and there is some Very Detailed Scientific Reasoning behind it but then my eyes glaze over and I start thinking about how I haven’t watered my jade plant for two weeks and do I need to paint my toenails again and wow I am really craving a Dilly Bar. So I let him take over the Swiffering. It makes him feel helpful.

* But! The Swiffer does have one very useful application. It is particularly good at reaching spiders that are hanging out in the corners of your ceiling. Spiders that might otherwise jump on your face while you were sleeping.

I’ll let you in on a little secret. You don’t need to buy the wet OR the dry cloths to de-spider your ceiling. Just the plain old Swiffer apparatus will do.

I totally think Procter & Gamble could market the Swiffer as a spider slayer and make a bundle. Seriously – there has got to be a whole passel of people out there who have spiders lying in wait on their ceilings, just out of reach, who would totally shell out, say $4 for a special cloth-free Spider Slayer. It’s gonna be a big hit, P&G. You’re welcome.

* I just wrote “all of a sudden,” which I believe to be the CORRECT phrasing. But a lot of people say it as “all of the sudden” or even “all the sudden,” which I find quite baffling. Perhaps this is a regional difference, much like “flipping” someone off or “flicking” someone off. (I say “flipping.” But I tend not to do it unless I am really pissed at my husband and want to make a grand, angry gesture that ends up seeming totally melodramatic and ridiculous.)

* Speaking of wording that drives me bonkers… As an editor, I am particularly irritated by some common usage mistakes. (And I know no one is perfect, least of all me, and I would never think badly of YOU if you were to misuse something. Plus, I’m not talking about silly outdated rules like starting a sentence with a conjunction… or ending a sentence with a preposition… or writing fragments or run ons. I’m talking about honest to goodness WRONG.) Let’s be honest – I could come up with about 12,000 usage errors people make on a daily basis that make me crazy. But I would like to take this moment to point out that there is a difference between “loose” and “lose,” “led” and “lead,” and “lie” and “lay.” Learn the difference. (Wow – what a weird coincidence that all those examples begin with L!)

* Well, I did it! I bought two more pairs of the magic J. Crew shorts. However, I waited too long to buy them and they were once again full price. (I believe they were on sale for some ridiculously low price like $19.99 when I last mentioned them.) Let this be a lesson to you, Internet! Strike while the iron is on sale!

* I am having some Self-Esteem Issues that stem from my weight. I have a post written all about it, one that I am embarrassed terrified reluctant to post. But I think Putting It All Out There could be really good for me, and possibly really motivating. As in, if I tell you I am going to do something about losing weight, then maybe I will Get My Act in Gear. First, though, I have to get up the nerve to post about it.

* Obligatory Reality Show Bullet: I am looooving Bethenny Getting Married. Bethenny is a little strident, although I have always admired her no-holds-barred honesty and her quick wit. But on this show, we get to see this lovely vulnerable side of her. And her husband? Seems AWESOME. He is so kind and normal and so clearly loves her to bits. He reminds me of my husband in some ways. Not in the least because he puts up with Bethenny’s mini-rages the way my husband puts up with my occasional freak-outs.

While watching BGM, I saw an ad for the upcoming Rachel Zoe show, which I enjoy on occasion. It always amuses me to watch how frazzled and flappy Rachel and crew get. I mean, I know they have a job to do, and that celebrities are probably not very forgiving if you don’t have the exact pair of shoes they want to wear to the premiere of their new Nick Sparks vampire movie, but man. The frazzle! The flipping out! The over-sized clothing and 8,000 sparkly rings! The OMG-this-is-bananas-I-die DRAMA! Over… clothing. Like, this isn’t life or death, people. (Yes, yes, I know – their work still has VALUE.)

* We went to my husband’s parents’ house for a week and then we came back and apparently now we live in a trash heap. We brought about 25 paper bags full of Assorted Crap back with us… And they are now living in our entryway. About sixty days’ worth of mail is scattered on every available surface. Three or so loads of clean laundry are lying crumpled on the guest bed. Our suitcase is sitting, full, on our floor (and, in More Embarrasing Than What I Was Just Writing About News, is leaning against a suitcase that we took on a weekend trip about eight weeks ago and have yet to fully unpack). And there are dishes (rinsed) sitting on the counter, waiting for me to unload the dishwasher.

This is the point where I’d just as well move as clean up this horrific mess.

* The Fourth of July is one of my favorite holidays. As with other big holidays, my parents always made a Big Deal out of the Fourth. My dad would get a big bag of fireworks and he’d set them off in our backyard. My brother and I would play with sparklers, writing our names in the air as the twilight settled over us. My dad would grill burgers or hot dogs and my mom would make a heap of potato salad, and she’d follow dinner up with a lovely cake decorated in red, white, and blue. When it grew dark enough, we’d watch the town fireworks display from our porch, so far away we couldn’t hear the explosions. We’d watch as the sky lit up with reds and blues and greens. We’d oooh and aaaah together, snuggled up in blankets, as the dark was punctured with glittering reminders that our country may be flawed, but it is great and worth fighting for.

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If you have ignored my very helpful suggestion to go lie on your sidewalk, please say hello and let me know wassup with you this fine Saturday. And have yourself a wonderful Independence Day.

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Friday Randomosity

Let’s jump right in!

* We’re in the home stretch of my husband’s last ever rotation as a medical intern! Can I get a “what what”?! The first two weeks of this rotation were amazing. He was home at about 2:00 or 3:00 every afternoon. The days he was on call, he was at the hospital until 7:30 or so. We got to spend TONS of time together. Delightful! But (you knew this was coming, right?) his last week is not going so well. He’s been at the hospital until 5:30 or 6:00 – which is not particularly late, but makes him frustrated because he got so used to those cushy 2:00 days. And his call nights are much more intense. The other day, I went to pick him up at 10:30… And I ended up staying in the waiting room until MIDNIGHT.

* Why did I have to pick him up? Well, my car battery is dead. This is the third battery that’s died in my little CRV since I bought it in 2003. What the eff is up, dudes? Since I had a doctor’s appointment the day my husband was on call, I drove him to work. Then I had to go pick him up. He was so busy, he couldn’t call and tell me not to arrive at our pre-designated time. Did I forget to bring a book? Yes, I did. So I ended up erasing all the text messages I’ve ever received or sent from my phone, labeling all the photos I’ve ever taken with my phone, and reading some delightful pamphlets about the warning signs of suicide. SUPER.

* Once we got home, we had to push my poor dead car into our garage because our complex is sealing the parking lot this week. It was a harrowing experience. Because when your battery is dead? Your power steering doesn’t work and your brakes are not as responsive as normal. Thank you to my sweet husband for pushing me!

* It really was a day of waiting. My doctor’s appointment took TWO HOURS. Listen, I am very patient when it comes to waiting at the doctor’s office. I know exactly how busy the docs are. I know that patients come in with multiple, complicated complaints when they’ve got only a slot for a checkup. I know that emergencies happen. I know that patients arrive late. I KNOW all this. But two hours? For a five minute appointment? Not fun. Did I forget to bring a book to my appointment? Yes, I did. But I did get to watch the woman ahead of me (and after eight other people) freak out about the endless waiting. I thought her head was about to explode.

* Then, after my five minute appointment, I went to check out. The receptionist spent – I kid you not – THIRTY MINUTES trying to figure out why I wasn’t listed as having insurance. It was a little anxiety-producing, y’all. She tried my name, my husband’s name, my social security number, my husband’s social security number… She called the insurance company directly. Nada. Turns out she was NOT looking for our actual insurance… she was seeking out some kind of prescription coverage that we don’t even have. And if she had looked at my chart from the previous visit, she would have seen we didn’t have it.

Of course, instead of being irritated at her or just saying nothing, I started apologizing profusely for wasting her time. Which makes me annoyed with myself. I obviously didn’t have to be mean – she was trying to save me money, after all – but I didn’t have to turn into some groveling repentant either. I’m freaking 29 years old. When am I going to feel okay standing up for myself?

* It has been a very social week for me, y’all! Husband dragged me to a resident picnic last Friday where I had lots of wine and much fun. Except for the part where a bunch of residents decided it was a good idea to have a water balloon fight… and to take cover in the picnic area. This did not save anyone from getting wet. But it did shower a lot of bystanders. Then I had a wedding shower on Sunday, a triple date (with my husband and two adorable couples) Sunday night, a girls’ night on Tuesday, and tonight is another girls’ night with one of the other interns’ wives.

Having friends is exhausting!

* I bought a pair of longish shorts (to the knees) from J. Crew.com. They are sitting in my bedroom because I have always been strictly Anti-Shorts, and I don’t know if I’m ready to try them on. And yes, I admit, I am nervous about what my husband will say when I don these long shorts. He’s pretty Anti-Shorts as well, and I think he will haaaaaate these. Why did I buy them again?

* I also realized that I hate all my shirts. Going out 85 times in one week has sort of depleted my store of two acceptable going out shirts. My habit of ordering things online (for sale – whoo! – and only if I get free shipping) is not working… I end up returning 85 percent of what I buy. (By the way, the people at Ann Taylor Loft do NOT like it when you return things. I get a lot of annoyed looks and snarky comments about “that’s what happens when you buy stuff online.” Yes, I KNOW. But I still prefer it to coming into your store. Plus, the whole reason I bought anything online in the first place is the 40% coupon you emailed me… to use ONLINE.)

* Has anyone else been watching the Real Housewives of New York City reunion special? It is total crazy town! And by “it” I mean Kelley. Also – I am now in love with the new show Bethenny Getting Married. Bethenny is so straightforward and her wit is so ascerbic… I love it! And – as long as we’re talking TV – I’m glad that Kathy Griffin’s Life on the D List is back on. Yay for Bravo! Without it, I might actually leave the house once in a while.

* Between all the socializing and my husband’s late nights, we have not only not seen each other for more than about 10 minutes a night, we have also not been to the grocery store in ages. Yesterday I had an apple and some old salami for lunch, and some mushrooms on top of old pasta for dinner. Yep, I’m a real galloping gourmet over here.

If I don’t want to starve today, I’m going to have to get creative with the very last vestiges of edible material in our apartment: Another apple, some Cheetos, a couple of corn tortillas, some limp celery, four bottles of super cheap wine (two were $3.99 at the grocery store, y’all. How could I NOT buy them?) and a couple of very old limes.

You know if this were a Top Chef challenge, I’d have twelve different delicious little meals out of those ingredients. Unfortunately, my only brainstorm is to eat them all, one at a time, and hope my stomach doesn’t implode.

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Well Internet, I hope you have a wonderful weekend! Any special Father’s Day plans on the agenda?

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Neither Metaphorical Thunder Nor Literal Hail Could Ruin This High

Hello Internet!

How I’ve missed you!

And yet, this weekend I spent so little time online I almost stopped caring what was going on in the virtual world. Here’s what happened… in bullet form:

1. Thursday, we had a special dinner for all the residents. I put on a party dress and proceeded to sweat my way through the evening. (Note to the residency program: 75 degrees is not an ideal temperature for a room filled with 300 residents and their spouses.) Seriously, y’all… I was sporting twin waterfalls. But there were free wine and mini crab cakes, so all was well with the world.

2.  Friday, my client closed up shop early. My husband – who was on a research elective (read: at home every afternoon for two weeks!) – and I went to our apartment complex’s pool. It’s a lovely pool, with tons of seating and lounge chairs. And I snagged a couple of the loungers while my husband read a very good book in the shade of an umbrella chair. Then the wife of another intern came over and we commiserated about life as intern wives. Our husbands joined us a bit later, and we killed a case of Bud Light and had two pizzas delivered and played cards until midnight. It was one of those long, relaxing days in the company of people you enjoy. Made me realize that somewhere along the line, this couple had transformed from mere acquaintances into actual friends.

3. I have an actual sports injury, Internet. This is such a novel concept to me, the former cheerleader who has no hand-eye coordination whatsoever. But this weekend, my husband and one of his (super patient, super kind, and did I mention, super patient) co-interns went out and played tennis. Tennis! The sport I haven’t played since sophomore year gym class. We spent about two hours outside on Sunday, hitting a can of balls back and forth across our complex’s tennis court… chasing after rogue balls I’d hit out into the parking lot… fishing wild balls from the shrubbery along the other side of the court. It was delightful. And I hurt my finger! Which is officially a sports injury, since it occurred whilst playing an actual sport! Let’s carefully ignore the fact that said injury occurred when I hit my own finger with my own tennis racquet while chasing after one of the aforementioned rogue balls.

4. So. In Very Bad Situation News, I learned something that brought the issue back into the forefront of my mind. It’s kind of like a forecast for terrible weather. Maybe you are still recovering from storms that have already passed through. Maybe there’s still damage – damage that may never be repaired. And the weatherman is yakking away about how there’s a big storm cell on its way to your area. But you look outside and the sun is shining, the sky is blue… It’s hard to imagine that storm clouds could be lurking just over yonder. But then maybe, sunshine blistering the sidewalks, you hear the low rumble of thunder.  That’s what this news was. Thunder. Still distant. But unmistakable. Sure, there’s a possibility that the Very Bad Situation will turn out to be Much Less Bad Than I Feared. But there’s a possibility that – despite its distance, despite the fact that things seem okay – it’s coming, hard and furious.

You are sick of hearing about the Very Bad Situation, I am sure. But I want to write about it here at the very least as a chronicle of it. Hopefully I will be able to read this blog in a few years and laugh at these posts, from a standpoint of knowing that everything turned out okay. Hopefully.

5. Annnnnndddd… moving on… Saturday we hit the botanical gardens. Woot woot! I took about ten billion photos of flowers. I know you would be DEE-LIGHTED to endure enjoy 35 pictures of the same rose from a slightly different angle… but I will have to save that for never another post.

6. After I wrote about bug murder, I encountered some sort of Insect and Arachnid Uprising. Encounter the First: I was sitting out by the pool when I felt something tickle my leg. I looked down, and instead of a little mosquito or ant, there was a GIANT HAIRY SPIDER. And I’m not really exaggerating. I mean, it wasn’t THAT giant, I guess. Like, it wasn’t a tarantula or anything. But it was about the size of a quarter and it really was hairy. It was actually quite interesting to look at. After I shrieked and brushed it off onto my chair and moved my chair about eight feet away from me and then refused to sit in another chair.

Encounter the Second: I spotted a humongous daddy long legs on the ceiling of our bedroom whilst I was pretending to listen listening intently to my husband talk about something. (Medicine, probably? Who knows. There was a spider about to leap on us!!!!) Being the good husband that he is, Husband climbed on top of our dresser and smacked the DLL with a rolled up magazine. And then he even cleaned the dresser of its sprinkling of popcorn ceiling goop and spider legs.

Encounter the Third: I spotted a disgusting centipedey thing scrolling its way across the floor and again screamed for my husband to rescue me. (Listen. I can kill a (non cockroach) bug if necessary. I am an Independent Woman. But if Husband is around, why bother?)

Fourth: Writing about this is giving me the heebie jeebies and I need to stand up to make sure nothing is crawling on me.

Fifth: I will never write a post about how to destroy bugs again. YOU HEAR THAT, BUGS? Go uprise on someone else.

7. Yesterday marked the first day of my husband’s last rotation of his intern year. You know what that means? Intern year is almost OVER, y’all! I am so! freaking! excited!

8. Memorial Day found me lounging on the couch, reading a new book (Monster Love by Carol Topolski) or watching a marathon of Bridezillas. Now I know this show has been on for years… but I’ve never actually watched it before. I find it fascinating that people are so over-the-top crazy. Makes me think that a lot of people have rage issues in this country. And yet they are all finding love and getting married. WEIRD. We enjoyed 85-degree weather all weekend – and let me tell you, between the resident dinner, the botanical gardens, and our outdoor tennis “game,” I have never sweated this much EVER in my life – but it ended in a massive thunderstorm. Complete with an hour-long downpour, a few minutes of a rather weak attempt at hail, and some especially loud thunder. Thunderous, you might say. But I didn’t care. I spent the non-lounging part of my day making homemade guacamole and fish tacos.

9. Fish tacos are awesome. Also? My husband makes the best hamburgers in the world. (Don’t worry. We didn’t eat tacos and burgers on the same night.)

I believe this Memorial Day weekend will go down in history as one of the Best Weekends Ever – ranking just below my wedding weekend in terms of Love Shared and Fun Had.

How was your holiday weekend?