Thirty

On your twenty-first birthday, I didn’t know you. (Although in the next few weeks, we’d catch each other’s eye and share our first kiss on a dance floor in November.) I remember hearing stories of your birthday, though. My roommate recounted the raucous good time but I didn’t recognize you in the stories; your name wasn’t yet etched on my heart. I look back on old photos –non digital ones, can you imagine? – of all the bottles of champagne lined up in your dorm, listen to those same stories my roommate told me, and marvel at the fact that there was a time before I knew you. Twenty-odd years without you in my life. It’s hard to believe you weren’t always there, somewhere, whispering in the shadows.

When you turned twenty-three, we’d just moved to a new city in a new state. We’d been living together for just a couple of months. You were jobless, twisting. Building Target furniture from boxes while I went to classes and made friends. That was the year I anguished over poems and slammed the door to my bedroom to keep you out while I wrote. It was a year of yelling and getting to know each other’s foibles. It was the year you started pre-med classes – the first rung on the ladder we’re still climbing.

On your twenty-fifth birthday, you were a couple months into medical school. Once again, we’d just moved to a new city in a new state. I fresh out of grad school, teaching college composition and freelancing to make ends meet. You were busy making friends and learning the inner-workings of the brain. That year, you and I took a step away from each other. You were a student; I was a “grown up” with a job. You were still chewing over the possibility of marriage; I was ready to take a leap into forever with you.

When you turned twenty-six, we hadn’t yet been engaged for an entire month. We were giddy with this new stage of our relationship. We’d walk hand and hand through the surrounding neighborhoods, picturing our future, dreaming, head over heels in love with the idea of us. That was the year you made your first real forays into patient care, the year I sat on the edge of my bed and let you look in my ears and test my knees and ankles for reflexes.

For your twenty-ninth birthday, we were – once again – in a new city, in a new state. You were a few months into your residency internship. We hadn’t yet been married a year. I got you your favorite present ever – an iPod touch – and we went to Chicago for a birthday weekend with your family. This was the year we had to learn new independence as well as new dependencies. My career changed course; yours began. We found new pleasure in the few hours we could grab together. I saw, as though for the first time, how kind you are, how strong, how wise. My pride in your accomplishments, your quiet confidence, your compassionate nature… my appreciation for you… my love – they swallowed me whole.

Now, on your thirtieth birthday, I can’t help but look back at the past nine years and marvel at how quickly they’ve slipped past.

The whole time, I’ve loved you. I can’t wait to see what the year, the decade ahead has in store.

Stamps Not Required

Dear Sweet Gentleman at the Library,

Thank you so much for offering to show me how to work the self-checkout machine. I wasn’t trying to snub you – I hope it doesn’t come off that way. The thing is, I actually get the technical aspects of how the self-checkout machine works: scan the barcode, you’re good to go. But since this is the first time I’ve ever been to the library myself, and since when I’ve been here with my husband, he checked out the old-fashioned way (with cute little librarians swiping his card for him), I have no idea what my PIN could possibly be and am generally sort of flummoxed.

And seeing as there’s a long line of people behind me (apparently Wednesday at 7:00 is prime library time?), all juggling huge stacks of books while trying to entertain bored-looking three-year-olds, I would rather stand to the side until there’s a lull during which I can ask the librarian WTF is up with the self-checkout BS?

But seriously, thanks for offering. It warmed the cockles of my heart.

XXOO

The Nearly-30-Year-Old College Grad Who Can’t Use the Library Without Assistance

*****

Dear Grocery Store Chain I Love to Shop At –

Please please please for the love of potato chips… Explain to your checkers and bag people exactly what those plastic squirty bottles of clear gel are and why they should USE THEM.

After the Great Coughpocalypse of 2010, my husband and I went to great lengths (and by “great lengths” I mean standing in long checkout lines when shorter ones were available) to avoid Hacky McPlegmerson whenever we bought our groceries. But that does us no good when the bag boy is alternately horking up a lung and putting his germy hands all over our yogurt and Steam Fresh corn.

I SEE the hand sanitizer. It’s RIGHT THERE. In PLAIN SIGHT. But maybe you need to point it out to your employees.

Just a thought.

Peace Out,

Thoroughly Grossed Out Customer Whose Bags May or May Not Still Be Sitting in the Car Until the Germs Have Had Time to Die. Or Colonize.

*****

Dear Potential Friend –

It was a pleasure to meet you the other night. We seemed to have plenty to talk about, right? No awkward silences. A few things in common. Lots of laughs. And ice cream!

But I just wanted to apologize…

Because, after consulting my fabulous readers – whose advice I adore and wholly believe – apparently it wasn’t kosher to let you know I Facebooked your husband before I met you.

(I totally googled both of you, too. But at least I didn’t let that slip.)

Let’s pretend I never said that.

BFFs Forever,

I’m Not Really Stalking You or Your Husband, I Promise

*****

Dear Cell Phone –

When I am out walking, and trying to avoid having to look at/speak to/acknowledge the weirdo maintenance guy by pretending to be totally wrapped up in an important phone conversation, please do not announce “PLEASE SPEAK A VOICE COMMAND” loudly enough for people to hear in freaking Alabama.

Not cool, cell phone. Not cool.

Your Friend,

That Weird Girl Who Goes to Ridiculous Lengths to Avoid Awkward Encounters

*****

Dear Checkout Girl at the Other Grocery We Sometimes Patronize,

I’m pretty sure you meant it as a compliment when you could smell my lotion from all the way across the conveyor belt. (Right?) But smelling strangers… and then letting them know you smelled them… That’s a little on the creepy side.

Just FYI.

P.S. The scent is Warm Vanilla Sugar, natch.

Sincerely,

The Customer Who Appreciates Your Religious Use of Hand Sanitizer

Open Letter to My Upstairs Neighbors

Dear Upstairs Neighbors –

What the hell are you doing up there?

Bowling?

Lifting really heavy weights and dropping them on the floor?

Bowling with really heavy weights?

Throwing couches?

I mean, all those things sound like fun… But doing any or all of them night after night, EVERY FUCKING NIGHT?

I mean, we need a break, people.

I have considered that we play the TV too loudly.  However, the loud ceiling-is-about-to-cave-in noises occur even when the TV is (rarely) silent.

If I tend to play Real Housewives of New York City too loudly, please feel free to walk on down the stairs and let me know. Not that I would ever come upstairs and talk to you. For all I know, you have a meth lab going up there and those loud bangs are chemicals exploding. So I’m going to steer clear.

But yeah. Loud. Annoying. And curious.

Yours truly,

Mrs. Doctor