Even at the red lights.
You turn your hazards on, and you go right through.
That’s what I remember most about the funerals I went to in high school.
That’s the memory that floated into my head when I heard about 18-year-old Tyler Clementi and the boys who preceded him in death – 13-year-old Asher Brown, 15-year-old Billy Lucas, and 13-year-old Seth Walsh.
All of these young men took their own lives after being taunted and bullied by their peers.
* * * * *
The first suicide I remember was a girl who took lessons from my piano teacher. I remember my mom talking about how talented she was. But she decided that life wasn’t worth it.
The second suicide I remember was the brother of a friend in my choir group. I went to his funeral not because I’d known him (I’d only known of him), but because I wanted to support my friend.
The third was the boyfriend of a girl I’d known since elementary school.
The fourth was the son of a man who worked with my father.
The fifth was a guy I’d had a crush on in middle school.
There were others.
I always wondered what had to be going on in their lives to snuff out every last glimmer of happiness… possibility… hope. To so completely close off any other path. To make a pill, a gun, a rope seem like the only option.
* * * * *
I feel so incredibly grateful to my parents, for being there, for supporting me and loving me and making me certain that – no matter what – I was never alone.
Elementary school, middle school, high school, college, even grad school – I was never what you’d call popular. But I’ve been blessed to have a few true friends in every stage of my life who understood me.
I know what it’s like to feel lonely; but I’ve never been alone. I’ve felt sad, depressed even; but I’ve always been able to see the mountain beyond the valley. I’ve been confused, frightened, lost; but each time, I’ve reached out and found hands to guide me.
I am so very, very grateful.
* * * * *
My heart breaks for people – children, especially – who don’t have those things.
No one should have to feel like the world has forsaken them.
There are solutions. There are alternatives. There are changes ahead.
There are people – people you wouldn’t think of, people whom you haven’t yet met, people who don’t even know you – who care, who want you to live.
Yes, there is pain. Yes, life is hard.
But the world is full of kindness and joy you can’t even imagine.
* * * * *
I don’t have kids; I don’t know any kids.
I don’t know the first thing about bullying.
I don’t have a solution.
But I had to say something anyway.
Maybe all it takes is for each of us – you and I – to be a little bit more compassionate. Every day. To everyone we meet.
It’s not a lot. It will take effort, though not a huge amount of effort. But maybe it will make a difference.
Maybe it will put a light in the life of someone who sees only darkness.
* * * * *
“I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something.
And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do.”
– Edward Everett Hale
“Once you choose hope, anything’s possible.”
– Christopher Reeve
Very touching. It’s so sad to see things like that happen, but I love your quote at the end. I think I am going to print it off and hang it on my office door. You are right, it only takes one person and people don’t realize the impact they can have on others, both good and bad.
You know the sad thing, I can probably recall all the hurtful things people have said to me throughout my life.
I agree…I’ve recently been thinking a lot about being more kind to every single person I interact with. You never know what that might just do for them. :0)
Absolutely beautifully written. I was watching the Today’s show this morning and they had an interview with a father who had recently gotten on the bus his daughter rides and yelled at the children who were bullying her. Then Matt Lauer asked the girl how she felt. She started crying which led to me crying.
I cannot believe after all these years we are still facing bullying. I had several experiences similar to yours growing up and looking back it breaks my heart because I truly believe they were avoidable deaths. I come from a long line of teachers and I know there is so much responsibility that goes with being a teacher so please do NOT read this as me attacking them. I remember growing up and kids going to tell the teacher someone was picking on them and the only response they got was “are you tattling? Go back to your seat.” This only gets worse as they get older. I think you are completely right – it will take effort but I also believe it’s effort that MUST be done.
I’m sure you’ve already seen this, but I cannot help but share this clip:
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=592846987806&ref=mf
I really wonder how much of this is caused by undiagnosed depression. Being bullied is a terrible experience, but being bullied when you aren’t able to thinking rationally is even worse. It’s that feeling where nothing else matters because I’m in pain now kind of feeling. I really hurt for these kids, and I hope that something can be done. 🙁
Every time I see Tyler Clementi’s face on the news, I cry. I am so sick of people who are gay being bullied about it. It disgusts me, and I’m so sorry for that poor boy’s family.
I know exactly how you feel. The stories of all these suicides because these poor children felt there was no other alternative break my heart.
I don’t know how to fix it, but I agree there needs to be some thing…
It’s shocking to me that in 2010 this kind of stuff is still happening. When I was teaching at a high school, one of my students (MINE! I had him in my class for over 90 minutes a day!) attempted suicide. He didn’t have any classic signs of depression that I could tell and the guilt (I should have known! I should have checked in with him more!) almost ate me alive. He just felt…unwelcome in the world. That’s what he told me later.
Thank you for writing this and reminding all of us to take a look around and think of others.
Beautifully written and it can’t be said enough. I unfortunately know of several kids in my high school, too, who took their own life, and it breaks my heart to see these stories on the news about children who felt they had no choice due to bullying. My thoughts and prayers are with their families. Thank you for posting this!
Hearing about all of this has made me so sad for these people. I hate that being bullied about their personal life was the cause. I hope we can all be a little nicer and a little more understanding because we never know at which point of breaking they may be. As a teacher, I’m afraid I’m going to come into contact with more of this, and it just makes me sad to think these kids, or even adults, don’t have anyone to turn to.
I am surprised you have been touched, even distantly, by so many suicides. Even though you were not close with them, I am sorry. This is so well written. Thank you for sharing.
Oh my goodness, that’s a lot of tragedy in your own life. My heart goes out.
Lovely post. Thanks so much for sharing. That’s a really striking image of the funeral processions. And I’ve been feeling so devastated about this rash of suicides lately, and it’s a relief to ‘talk’ about it, you know?
I have to say, though–as much as compassion and kindness can go a long way, especially in the heartbreaking cases of these young men, in a lot of cases there’s just nothing you can do. One of my best friends (who struggles with bipolar disorder) was suicidal last year (and is rather frequently on and off) and, actually, in terms of ‘solutions,’ there are VERY few. I called every number I could think of, visited multiple police stations in person, spoke to hotline after hotline, spoke to hospitals, spoke to crisis centers, et cetera–and nothing. Thank God my friend didn’t do it, but if she’d decided to, no one could have stopped her. And I hate to think what could happen in the future. It terrifies me to know that there actually ISN’T really a safety net in place; there are no orgs or professionals or any real solutions. I can’t help feeling like this is totally wrong.
To clarify–I don’t mean ‘there’s just nothing you can do’ as in, shrug, kids will be bullies and we just have to put up with it. These suicides seemed so preventable, and that’s heartbreaking. I guess I meant more in terms of–when you’re faced with a situation when someone actually has suicidal intent, at that point, I feel like there needs to be some kind of safety net in place to stop that, to get people to a point where they can step back and try to find help, and hope.
Very true and kind words! I agree, and it is sad that more and more children and teens alike are choosing to take their own life versus trying to make it through the hard times.
Unfortunately, life continues to get harder, and many adults do the same thing. No one is worthless, and it is sad to see people who (perhaps have mental illnesses) think that they are not worthy of living.
Yet another beautifully written post, Mrs. Doc. I am so sorry to hear that suicide touched so many people you know.
This is a beautiful post. Thank you!
This post is perfection.
I struggle with deep deep depression (which I’m getting help for), and I can see the tangled web of one’s brain deceiving you into believing you are nothing. Or not worth something.
These poor souls who have sacrificed their lives because someone else has convinced them falsely that they are worth nothing is heartbreaking.
Life is hard.
I have never been in the situation that you describe, knowing someone who committed suicide. The only death I have been near is that of family members who are older than me.
But it does seem awful that other kids’ words could make these children take their own lives… I can’t even imagine how they felt.
Great post! I try my hardest to be as nice as possible to everyone I meet every single day.
Life is too short to be anything but friendly 🙂